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May 07, 2005
Please Do Not Call Me At 4:00 in the Morning
I was enjoying a nice klonopin induced sleep last night. Then. The phone rang. I woke up completely startled. I looked at the clock. It was 4:12 am. Who the fuck would be calling now?
There are only 3 reasons someone could possibly be calling at this hour: (1) It's a family emergency, (2) A friend is in the 'hood and desperately needs a place to crash, or (3) it's Pat O'Brien. It was none of the above.
The caller ID suggested a local number, but after the answering machine picked up I heard a not so local voice. It was our friend Todd and his buddy calling from San Francisco. They were obviously having a good ol' time. I appreciate you thinking of us over there, and wanting to express your love over the phone while having a wild time but please remember, we were 21 in 1992. That was like 13 years ago.
I would also like to remind people that if you do call and leave a drunk message, I will save it, edit it with some audio software and put it to music. It will be played at all the local house parties, and it will be funny. Trust me. I've already made 2 hot dance tracks this way, and a third will now be on its way. There is the hit "I'm a Fuckin' Drunk" by Bobbie B. taken from her audio message that said, "I don't know what the fuck time it is but I'm fuckin' drunk..." which was followed by some more foul language and slurring. There is also "Big Baby Bottom Girl" by "Dino" taken from his message that said, "When you send out that Evite to everyone on that list about my upcoming birthday party, please do not refer to me as a girl, or a big girl, or baby girl or bottom. Some of these people are my co-workers." Okay, I won't.
Todd is one of the most unique people you could ever meet. He's the owner of that beagle I'm chillin' with in the picture on this page. He is brilliant and crazy at the same time. He was a lawyer and a political consultant for the past 7 years. He, like me, was raised Southern Baptist so we both have interesting stories about that (I won't bore you with that now). His talent is much better put to use doing more creative work. He left DC to pursue something different in San Fran. I hope he has found it there. He has a lot to offer.
We went to see Todd a couple months ago in San Fran. We made plans to see Todd one night. We went for a bite to eat and then he took us to some bar in the Castro. He's very social so he started talking to the first people he saw. He immediately had his arms around them and we were forced to engage in idle chi chat. One of the men looked like Francis Ford Coppola, the other can only be described as a platinum blonde twink.
The next thing I see is a member of Menudo standing with us (or he looked like he is/was in Menudo). He couldn't be more than 20 (so I guess he was kicked out of the group). Todd has his arm around him and informs us that he is leaving with him.
"Umm, what? You are curb dropping us?" Then, for some completely odd reason, Todd suggests the twink go back to our hotel with me and Rob. "Ha, ha, ha, very funny."
I then ask Todd in front of his new friend, "Are you going to have anal?" I invite all of you out there who get curb dropped by your friends for a complete stranger to ask this question. It makes for an extremely awkward moment for the new couple and a whole lot of comic relief for everyone else. Todd leans over to me and says, "That's inappropriate." I know, and so is curb-dropping your friends for Menudo. Whatever, they end up leaving together.
Rob and I are standing there like, "Should we leave?" The twink then whispers in my ear, "I would love to watch you and your boyfriend have sex. I would also love to give you both a blowjob. It would be so hot." Umm, ew, no thanks, raincheck, bu-bye.
We left and that was the last time we have seen Todd. Just thought I'd share.
Posted by durban bud at May 7, 2005 05:58 PM
Comments
I personally think cellphones should come with a breathalizer - too wasted? then it should prevent you from drunken voicemails or even worse drunken text messages that are at best legible only when you TOO are 3 sheets to the proverbial wind... something about "me wa$td but wan2 say me luvv u omg me s0 wast3d" that just says "my god, when did i get to be such a lush!"
And just to head off tj's response, I'm one of the worst offenders! So I have channeled my bad habit into something positive and offered my thoughts to Motarola and Nokia - I am hoping a patent will allow me to quit my nasty job, livE like a king and buy rob and tj a beach house.
Until then I will prolly still resort to drunk texts for the times i am too wasted to think but STILL have enough sense not to call - believe you me, you don't want to be in one of those mixes - plus you could end up on the internet. If you don't believe me, just ask my friend Chris. Oh yes if you'd like to win a date with her just let us know, she used to be up on the web...
P.S. What's Menudo? :-P
P.P.S. I miss the beagle!
Posted by: TOS at May 8, 2005 02:38 PM
You rascal.
Pretty damned funny.
Posted by: Moi at May 8, 2005 05:28 PM
i must strenulously object to such scurrilous aspersions upon my choice of, ahem, new friends on said evening. enrico was at least 22. and the platinum blonde twink had all his shots.
love you boys. mean it. shazam.
Posted by: t.todd at May 11, 2005 04:00 PM