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May 12, 2005
The Worst Years of Your Life
We hear it all the time while growing up, "Enjoy your time in high school because these will be the best years of your life." Oh, really? They are? Then shoot me, you bastard. I feel sorry for people who truly believe that. So basically after your 18, it's all downhill? Maybe for people who are isolated, narrow-minded and unwilling to explore outside the box like most of the "cool" people I went to school with. They still live in their hometown, they still hang out with the same people, they still eat at the Olive Garden, they still hang out at the same bars, they have completely settled down and that's it. No forward movement. The best years for them are now over.
I bought a book yesterday from a friend. It's called "Self" by Reynolds & Griffin. It's really amazing. Basically one of the guys writes a poem and the other one creates art work based on the poem. The lyrics are incorporated into the art. It's so cool. I don't believe it's available to the public except at occasional book signings. Once it does become public I will post a link to it. It's a must have.
Anyway, that book got me thinking about how creative I was as a kid. I used to draw comic strips. I made paintings. I read a lot of books. I would write short stories. I took drum lessons. I used to love writing poetry. My teachers put me in some special poetry type class cuz they were so damned impressed with my skills. I even made a few latch-hook rugs (no comment please).
I made home movies with my dad's super 8 film camera. (They were mostly horror movies that included killing off my local neighbors who were nice enough to participate. Yeah, I'm a little disturbed about that too). Someday I'll transfer those to DVD. They're hysterical. One was called "A Killer Gets Away" & the other was "Killer on the Loose (the sequel)." The best scene is when the killer (who I think was played by my 12 year old cousin) pops out of a garbage can while my 45 year old neighbor is throwing out her trash. She gets strangled and falls over. Sidenote: This woman and her husband have since divorced. He has asked me for a copy so he can play this scene over and over again.
I also started to DJ when I was about 13 for fun. My parents bought me a Technics SL-1200MK2 for X-mas one year which I still have and use. Whenever they would have a pool party or whatever I took it upon myself to DJ the event (whether they liked it or not). I played mostly pop stuff and just did fade outs and fade ins to please everyone. It wasn't like I was beatmixing Olivia Newton-John with Def Leppard. I mean, c'mon. It was just really fun for me.
I got asked to do a few gigs here and there. I did a college party once. 10 years later I found out it was a gay party. Had I known I would have played more Cyndi Lauper. I had no idea at the time cuz there were lots of men AND women there.
I also did a few gigs for younger mentally challenged people (read: retarded). Those were very interesting to do and especially to watch. The kids had a great time so it made me feel good. During one of the events, the head of the program took the microphone and gave a speech on how well all the kids were doing. I had to segue into an inspirational song after her speech. The only thing I could think of was "Don't Stop Believin" by Journey. Big mistake. This is not a song that people can dance to (especially retarded people) but I had to think fast. They began to sway back and forth and bump into each other. I saw a few helmuts collide. A couple people began drooling. They looked scared like "what the hell is this crap?" I started hearing Terri Schiavo-like moaning as if to say "maaaaaaaaaaake it sssssssstop!" I quickly faded into "Electric Youth" by Debbie Gibson. Much better.
Then I was in high school. All creativity I had seemed to slow down. Eventually, it just stopped. I couldn't focus. I wasn't inspired to do anything. My grades started to suffer big time. I used to be super smart. Seriously.
Puberty sucks and high school can be difficult for most people. That's pretty standard. I do believe though when you know you are gay it is much, much, more difficult. Your sexuality is ripening but you can't act on it or discuss it with anyone without getting your ass kicked (at least when I was in school). You always feel like a freak keeping a big naughty secret. You try to fit in. You hear (and sometimes participate) in the cruel gay jokes. Some gay guys begin to date girls so in order to not be "discovered." It's awkward. It's like a straight person going out on a date with a person of the same sex just to fit in. Can all you hets out there imagine forcing yourself to do that? It's not fun. Of course, you could also choose not to date. That, then leads to whispering and rumors. I only went out with a couple girls. Poor things. They must have been so bored.
I lived in fear of being discovered all through high school. There was this overweight black kid (who obviously has his own insecurities) who would call me a faggot almost every day. I didn't have feminine mannerisms so I couldn't figure why he constantly harrassed me. I thought maybe he could see right through me and KNEW my big secret. I won't mention his name but his initials are J.O. (and I think that's quite appropriate). At the end of the school year the teachers would hand out silly awards to certain students for their outstanding achievements. They gave the award for "Most Polite Student" to J.O.
I did have a small group of close friends (who I still adore) but I tried to be friends with everyone. I remember sitting at a lunch table with the "cool" people one day. One of the "cool" guys leans over to me and says, "Why are you here? No one wants you here." I didn't say anything back. No one else said a word. That "cool" guy was one homely motherfucker. I wish him well but I do hope he acquired the clap at least once since then.
I really did try to fit in but I think my insecurities just made me more of an asshole. I developed an attitude. I wouldn't let people get too close to me. I would make a mean comment and be rude so they would back away. By senior year I was so ready to get the fuck out of that hell hole.
I'm sure there are lots of people who enjoyed their high school experience and do consider it their best days. Good for them. If you're happy that way, fine. I will look forward, try new things, explore new places, meet new people, regain that creative spark and enjoy the best years of my life.
Posted by durban bud at May 12, 2005 07:02 AM
Comments
"...all you hets out there..." ? Who are y'talkin' to?
As for the nasty "cool" guy...he's probably on this 3rd wife and 100th AA mtg. [Read: Let it GO, Teej.]
Posted by: Ken at May 12, 2005 10:14 AM
WOW! So several thoughts/musings:
1)I like Durbanbud, not just b/c that's my gurl writing it, but it's quite thoughtful and personal - i think that is what blogs are supposed to be like, mine is too full of bitches and complaints, i'm usually to frantic and manic to write anything that would merit much reading. I have blog envy. These thoughts always come to me when I am not in front of a computer - i need to set-up a new blog and one that accepts posts from a mobile phone. Then I make an appointment with an orthopedic surgeon as I will prolly have carpal tunnel syndrome and curled fingers by then...
2)TJ is ADD as well all know (you'd have to be if you can normally stand to be around the king of add - moi) but isn't it amazing as to what can be produced when you are doing something you actually enjoy (blogging in this case) - better than all the attention-speed-drugs in the world; to me it seems ADD is worst when you are doing things you HAVE to do, work, school, housecleaning etc. I know that is when my symptoms rage - whole point of the ramble (gee, me go off on a tangent?!) is that mr. bud here continues to amaze and keep you guessing - how refreshing.
3) Thinking back to high school - I had a very different experience than most. I went to an all boys Catholic high school - ok chill with the wisecracks everyone - and it was by choice. I think that at some subconscious level I picked this school, which was 45 minutes away from home by subway, to keep me from my gayness. Some people would ask that if anything it would encourage me to come out, being around all the guys etc etc etc. Maybe in porn novels, but not in real life. At my school, if you were gay (or thought to be so) you'd get the snot beat out of you, well maybe not on campus, but somewhere off-campus, you'd be the victim of jokes, insults and name-calling of the worst kind. There is NOTHING worse you could EVER be in a high school such as mine than GAY or god forbid effeminate. Thankfully I was classified as neither. Did it terrify me that my secret, which I wouldn't even acknowledge to myself, would get out? Hell yes.
Suffice it to say, I created an intricate and complicated web of lies and rationalizations to keep myself from being outed, to my school mates or myself. Things like:
(ok I am going to lunch but I'm now far from a blog comment - you can finish reading the rest (should you in fact care) on my own blog later in the afternoon) cheers, TOS
Posted by: TOS at May 12, 2005 12:23 PM
This whole blogging thing is kind of weird to me. I feel I'm revealing maybe a bit too much. I'm not doing it on purpose. It just sort of comes out...like a runny nose.
Posted by: durban at May 12, 2005 02:09 PM
I agree - read my last entry on mine - made a similar comment at the end of my post, but then again, my life is an open book anyhow.
Posted by: TOS at May 12, 2005 02:52 PM
Runny nose, hot.
durb, I think you'll find blogging to be a great creative release. As someone who owns 1200's also, paints, etc., I find my site to be both a means for catharis when I've got shit going on in my life, and a way to get some of the more intense thoughts going on in my head "out on paper." I don't pick up a pen very easily, but I can type as fast as my thoughts go.
High school sucked for me. I hated it, except for all the hot boys in my class...also the same ones who hated me (makes for good therapy sessions, though.) Fortunately, we had alot of good teachers who I think "knew" and created safe spaces for me to vent and chill. Junior and senior year, I had carte-blanche practically. I kept a pass book in my locker at all times and wrote myself a n early release everyday. Our library was two floors, a loft if you will, with the offices upstairs connected to a balcony. Everyday those last two years, like clockwork, at 10am, I took a nap on the floor of the balcony for 2 hours. My librarian would walk by and put the coat that fell off me back on as my blanket.
I hope those people realized what a difference those things did for me to make it through those 4 years.
Posted by: Chris. at May 12, 2005 05:05 PM
Just throwing this out there...
Gay men have great power. Where men have judged the "worthiness" of women forever, we get to judge the "worthiness" of men. No wonder they hate us (and why so many women love us). I love that kind of power. It makes them afraid of us, and hate us for it.
:-)
Posted by: Ken at May 12, 2005 10:08 PM
I have been reading your blog, enjoying your words, and feeling like I am getting to know you all over again. This blog by far has been the most profound one for me to read. Let me first start by saying thank you. Thank you for having the courage to REALLY put it out there. This entry "hit home" for me because I was a person that spent allot of time with you during that stage of your life. Back then, I wish that we could have fast forwarded to a time that we would know for sure that there WOULD come a day where we WOULD be able to understand the things that now make sense, and that we WILL have peace within ourselves. Here's the thing though.......we wouldn't be who we are today if we never went through what we did then. We all have that in common.
Thank you for acknowleging the fact that you were rude and acted like an asshole sometimes. You did. I didn't have the self-worth within myself to tell you that that was something that would not be acceptable to me. I didn't have the self-esteem to incorporate boundaries. I wanted you to be my friend. It's been time and working through my own "stuff" that has made it clear to me, that you, in your own way were releasing your own "stuff". It had nothing to do with me. **When push came to shove.......you always had my back. I remember that.
I vividly remember your creativity and originality. Your ability to incorporate my name into any song was brilliant!!! It was you that introduced me to my right to vote. As soon as we were able, we would hit the polls at the crack of dawn. Thank you for turning me onto that.
Your ADD makes sense to me now. You are VERY random. This is something that enhances your original and creative personality. You are loyal. You DO have a big heart......you're more comfortable to let others see it now, but I knew it was always there. You ARE very intelligent. You are creative with music and with words. You think outside of the box. You are introspective, and you are real.
(FYI....if anyone out there takes the time to read this, there ARE many positive qualities to having ADD.)
TJ, it is great to see you feeling more "at home" with yourself. And just think, you are only 34 years young. Not everyone does the work to live their life with more peace and acceptance. It takes courage to do shit like that!!!! Good for you!!!! I'm happy for you.
Love, Pumping
Posted by: Pam at May 19, 2005 01:11 PM
Thanks for the kind words, Pam. And for reassuring me of my asshole-ness. ;-)
We did have some good/crazy times that I'll never forget ("Where you coming from?" asked the hall monitor. "Hell," Pam replied).
You rock! Miss you....
xxoo
Posted by: durban at May 19, 2005 03:21 PM