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May 13, 2005
Trust, Intimacy and Respect = Healthy Relationship
This is one of the few things I wrote down in my college notebook while listening to my Sex Psychology professor (the other things I mostly scribbled down were Nirvana lyrics, calendars that would countdown to my graduation, "Kill me now", and for some odd reason lots of check marks).
I've applied the T.I.R. theory to my own relationships and it's absolutely true. If one of these components is missing, you may as well split up now and quit wasting time unless you enjoy the drama. Trust me, I've been there. I've also observed this in relationships of others.
Communication obviously is necessary if one of these three is faltering even just a little bit (and in any relationship it will falter at one point or another). If you do not discuss it, it is doomed. If you truly respect the other person (and yourself) you will listen to their side of the situation and talk it out.
Intimacy is a big part. When Rob and I first started dating I would always say (in my best girlie voice): "Sex is not that important. It's only about 10% of a relationship. I just want to be held." (End girlie voice) Bullshit. It is mighty important and lots of it and there better be some passion to it. I guess intimacy can also include spending time together alone, cuddling, crotcheting, holding hands on the beach, etc. Those are nice but you need passionate sex as well. It connects us with the one we love. If intimacy ain't happenin' with your partner then you have to ask yourself if you are truly attracted to the other person (or maybe call your doctor to see if your dose of Lexapro is affecting your libido). Attraction is key. You can't force it. If you have trust & respect but no intimacy then you are just best buddies living together. This can work for some people but I'm not sure I would classify it as a healthy "romantic" relationship.
I should also say that we are by no means perfect. We bicker sometimes. I'm forced to watch HGTV shows. Once in a great while we have a big fight but it's very rare. It's how you handle a disagreement.
We're also big flirts. I think it's okay to flirt. We are human. We all want to feel some attention once in awhile. We are in a relationship but we are not dead. Let's not forget this. There are boundaries and it's up to each couple to decide where exactly those boundaries are. Your boundaries may be completely different from ours. Knowing where to draw the line comes with respecting your partner and their wishes.
Again...trust, intimacy & respect = a healthy relationship. That is my Dr. Phil Durban tip for the day. You are welcome.
Posted by durban bud at May 13, 2005 07:38 AM
Comments
10 years for him and his "lover" - he knows what he is talking about.
Posted by: TOS at May 13, 2005 10:05 AM
Where do I call to make an appointment for this Dr. Durban clinic? Please tell me you have got the whole setup, scrubs, stirrups, medical restraints.
I've got a nasty case of celibacy I'd like you to look into, Doc.
I really need an appointment soon. I'm such a naughty boy.
Posted by: Chris. at May 13, 2005 05:34 PM
Unfortunately Chris, the Durban Clinic does not have gynecologists so there is no need for stirrups. Therefore, we cannot delve deep into your vagina to see the root of the problem.
Savor the celibacy. It keeps the scabies away.
Posted by: durban at May 14, 2005 12:14 AM
Hey, I just came across this randomly but as a 34 year old guy in a 13 year relat., I agreed with your post on components of a healthy relationship. They are all crucial, I just never articulated it to myself the way you did.
And it is possible for two guys to be together for the long term, not have it be 'open', yet not be dead either.
Glad to meet you guys,
Kevin, NYC
Posted by: Kevin at May 31, 2005 02:58 PM
Thank you for putting it so bluntly! ALL WOMEN SHOULD READ THIS!! : )
Posted by: ROCHARD at September 20, 2008 11:02 PM