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June 09, 2005
Hold My Hand Day
So this weekend is Gay Pride here in DC or, as Rob likes to call it, the One Day Out of the Year That He Will Hold My Hand in Public Day. I'm just not a big hand holder. I think it goes along with my fear of being held down. I just don't like not being able to move about freely. I would make a terrible Siamese Twin. Okay, maybe that's a lame excuse. Maybe I'm really afraid of some truck driver from Laurel throwing a rock at me. I don't know. Just not big on the PDA (unless, of course, someone serves me some blue "kool-aid." Then I will most likely make love to you in front of everyone).
I do hold his hand from time to time. It's just kinda rare (like spotting Big Foot or the Loch Ness Monster. You may need a picture to prove it). Doesn't mean I'm not affectionate. I am. Just not in public so much. I'm a teddy bear behind closed doors. ;-)
Of course, when we first started dating I would hold his hand. That adreneline rush numbs any inhibitions. I think a lot of people do this initially to say to their friends and neighbors, "Look what I bagged. Not bad, huh?"
We all get giddy in the beginning of a budding romance. Sometimes too giddy (yeah, I'm talking to you, Mr. Cruise). It is a great feeling though when you really like someone and your excited and nervous to be around them and you have no idea what the future holds.
I met Rob about a year before we started dating. He was a co-worker of the anti-christ a guy that I was dating at the time. Rob was also in a relationship. With a woman! Stop laughing. No really, stop. Shortly thereafter, Rob came out of the closet. I remember thinking, "Wow, he's really cute and seems very nice. I wish I could show him the ropes of the gay world (like I was any expert) instead of Satan my boyfriend." Not that my ex was a bad person 666 is the number of the beast, I just felt that he might make the gay world look slightly less appealing. Luckily, we broke up. Ugh, that was a bad time and really bad year.
I was talking to my shrink and he asked me to define my ideal "type" of guy. I said, "Rob." He asked, "Well, why don't you ask him out?" And I explained, "That would be impossible because he works with Lucifer my ex." He basically told me that was a silly excuse because we were no longer together. It didn't matter. I was too shy to do anything about it anyway. Plus, I found out Rob was dating someone.
That summer, I went to Amsterdam for school. (You can read all about that wild excursion in my Hash Pipe entry). When I returned, I ran into Rob at some bar. We spoke for a long time. He was telling me that he had just spent a lot of time in Amsterdam and his Dutch friend was coming into town to stay with him for a few weeks. Odd timing. He also told me that he was single again.
About a week later, I saw Rob, his Dutch friend Bas, and another friend walking down the street. I was walking back from getting my hair cut and looked fabulous! Good timing. They asked where I was going to be later. I told them I would be at my usual hang out and they should stop by later.
It was a restaurant/bar on 17th Street where you could usually find me sitting at the bar. I was very friendly with the bartender. Straight guy too. Very cute. I used to make mix tapes and he would always play them and give me free beer. Now that I think about it, I was like the gay Norm. Yikes. Anyway, it wasn't necessarily a gay bar but since it was on 17th Street it got quite a bit of traffic from the homosexuals.
About 11:30 that night, I got a visit from Rob and his 2 friends at the bar. I was so excited and surprised. I started bubbling in my panties. They pulled up a stool and we shot the shit for awhile. Rob excused himself to the bathroom and I asked his friend if he thought Rob might be interested in "joining me for coffee." Isn't that what everyone says? His friend gave me this look like, "Ohh, yeah" and he started to shake his head up and down. Score!
Rob came back and I made my move. "Would you like to join me for a spot o' tea or perhaps a quick shag?" I said in a British accent. Okay, I didn't really say that but it was something like that except for the shag part. He said, "Yes." Double score!
We exchanged numbers and Rob walked me back to my apartment. We went inside and just talked for about 20 more minutes. Seriously, that's all we did. It was about 3:00 am so I walked him outside and gave him a quick little peck and said goodbye. I watched him walk away until I couldn't see him anymore. I had this enormous feeling of giddiness. Then I realized I made a huge mistake.
I turned around and grabbed the front door handle. It was locked. Fuckin' A. It was 3 in the morning. I had no shoes on. There was no way I could get back in. The only other people with a key were the family upstairs and there was no way I was going to scare the shit out of them at 3 in the morning. I had already done that a few weeks earlier but that's a whole other story. I couldn't walk anywhere without shoes. Well, I probably could but I didn't want to start any stories about this night-time Jesus prowling the DC streets. Everything was closed anyway.
It didn't matter though. I was so happy. And exhilarated. Nothing could make me lose this feeling. I took a deep breath and laid down on the walkway by my apartment. Nothing else I could do. It was shaded by some bushes so no one could see me. I curled up in a ball and rested my head on the grass and fell asleep. I slept so well that night. And have ever since.*
So this weekend, the most joyous of all gay holidays, I will hold my little butt muffin's partner's hand proudly. And I will take a picture to prove it.
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*Sometimes I do need an Ambien or two.
Posted by durban bud at June 9, 2005 03:47 PM
Comments
Egads.
Gay-Norm, I find it funny (i.e. adorable) that there are no hand-holding pics, yet in so many of your photos your lips are fully extended. Lips, good; hands, bad?
Posted by: Ken at June 10, 2005 03:07 PM
Oh, and....
http://news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=796&e=5&u=/eo/16726
Posted by: Ken at June 10, 2005 03:09 PM
Hmmm. That's a good point. I do tend to kiss more in public. Maybe it's cuz I can move away after and I don't feel trapped. Whatever.
Posted by: durban at June 10, 2005 03:29 PM
I like the giddy scared feeling - but I hate it too... It's always so weird for me b/c I'm still relatively new at this dating thing... I never dated women before (phew) and have had 2 boyfriends since coming out (or should i called them life learning experiences...) so it is still very unnerving for me... i'm just such an eager beagle and need to make sure i know what i want, am getting into etc... that being said as much as I hate that Tom Cruise movie I'm like every other girl/queer/whomever out there... I'm waiting for "him" - the guy who says
"You had me at hello..."
Posted by: TOS at June 10, 2005 04:26 PM
Tos: I thought that was Will (of "& Grace" fame)...
:-)
Posted by: Ken at June 10, 2005 05:09 PM
Teej: I think you should do something NEW this year for Gay Pride Month....hold Rob's dick all day long. [That'll make the born-agains' brains hemorrhage.]
Posted by: Ken at June 10, 2005 05:13 PM
aaaaaah, tijjy! it's true. you *are* a sweet lil' pumpkin pie behind closed doors! t.todd has also struggled to overcome his public shyness and inability to openly express affection.
i'm trying to work thru that here in the Castro, where the homosexualists prance around naked and perform fellatio on every street corner.
it's tough, but i'm adapting.
Posted by: t.todd at June 10, 2005 06:27 PM
that beagle must be cowering under the bed... will you tie a rainbow ribbon around his collar and make him a pridebeagle? just no lamee (or however you spell that) beagles are strictly natural fabric kindof dogs.
i waved at you T. Todd from Oakland airport and the 680 freeway the other day... did you see me???
Posted by: TOS at June 10, 2005 06:46 PM
Hold his dick all day long? It's supposed to be very humid on Sunday. You do the math. Ew.
Posted by: durban at June 11, 2005 09:17 AM
How cute... he left you with the fetal position feeling... I will sleep in the bushes for a real man... Of course company in the bushes is better!
Posted by: Stephanie at June 17, 2005 11:51 AM