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June 05, 2005
Whorehouse
We moved into a new condo two years ago and had (pretty much) the entire place renovated or updated except for the bedroom. That was a mistake. It is now starting to bother us a lot. With the exception of the bed all the "furniture" is old (mostly stuff we acquired during our high school/college years). My nightstand is a makeshift stacking table and Rob's is some plastic Ikea storage thing. We desperately need new ones. Actually, we desperately need our bedroom completely renovated. It is disgusting. If Candice Olsen is reading this, please call.
We heard that a new furniture store opened up in the area and was having a sale. Out of respect for the store I won't mention their name but I will give you a hint. It rhymes with whorehouse. We had shopped at whorehouse before and bought a couch. It was okay even though all the cushions became flat after one year. Maybe I was eating too much Chinese food or drinking too much beer. I don't know. I complained and they replaced the cushions. That was nice of them. The new ones became flat after 6 months. My warranty had run out. At that point we didn't care anymore. We would just sit on the floor or the chair and let our guests sit on the couch until we could afford a new couch. It was fun to watch them wiggle in their seats after about 10 minutes. If we really didn't care for the person we would invite them over to watch "Dances With Wolves" or "Schindler's List."
Despite that experience we decided to check out their nightstands. After all, they were having a sale. The store was beautiful. The furniture was gorgeous. We spotted a nightstand we liked. A pleasant man came over to us and asked if he could help. We said the typical, "Thanks, we're just looking." He said "Well jusssssst let me know if you need anything" and then I thought he said "Toodles."
The nightstands we liked were about $30 off each. We weighed the pros and cons and decided to get just one cuz we're cheap bastards. We alerted the pleasant man (who we shall call Mr. Potato Head). Mr. Potato Head said "Sssssuper, would you like to have it delivered or would you like to pick it up at our warehouse in Laurel?" A sudden chill came over me. I used to work in Laurel. Laurel is about a 30 minute drive into hell. I said, "We would like it delivered." He said, "Okay, there will be $90 flat fee for delivery." Huh. There must be a mistake. He must think I said we want the bed and that we live in Florida. "Ummmm, we just live 8 blocks from the store, can we pick it up here?" "No. You need to pick up furniture at our warehousssssse in Laurel." Another chill. Please stop saying that word. He disappeared to his computer for a moment.
Mr. Potato Head comes back and says, "We are actually out of sssstock of that particular model. We should be getting sssssome more in ssssstock in about a month. I would advissse you to purchassse now caussse there is a long waiting lisssst and you want to make sure you don't lossssse out."
Okay, ssssssso let me get this straight. I could purchase the nightstand that is $30 off. Pay a $90 delivery fee even though I live down the street or drive all the way to Hell on Earth, Maryland to pick it up. I could pay for it today, get put on a waiting list and maybe get one in a month. Sounds like a sssssssuper deal! Sssssign me up!
We said, "I think we'll pass." I was waiting for Mr. Potato Head to try to appease us so he wouldn't lose a sale but he just walked away. Whatever. We left.
Whorehouse does have some nice things. So does Crate & Barrel and Pottery Barn and Williams-Sonoma and Mikasa. We've decided that we will have a party for our upcoming gay anniversary and "register" at these places so we can get all new things for our bedroom. So all you married muthafuckas who got the chance to register start saving your pennies. It's payback time!
Posted by durban bud at June 5, 2005 05:31 PM
Comments
Few things... you forgot to mention that while Laurel is only a 30 minute drive into hell it is at least a 45-60 minute out (assuming you survive long enough to leave).
#2 - waiting list? Who do these people think they are? It's a nightstand not a kidney. Storerrr I mean whorehouse needs to take a lesson from Doritos - "It's ok, we'll make more."
DBud is right. I kicked into more weddings, baby showers and engagements than I care to remember. At USA TODAY, I think there was one baby something or other a week. Heteros need to pay up - reparations now!
Posted by: TOS at June 6, 2005 01:04 PM
So, does that mean that us married folks/ heteros who didn't register and instead saved all our friends and family the aggravation of a wedding by eloping are off the hook? Not that you don't deserve presents - hell, you've been together longer than most married couples I know but seriously, am I off the hook? :)
Posted by: stina at June 6, 2005 02:44 PM
We will judge each married heterosexual on their merits. Because of your true selflessness you are certainly off the hook (although a six-pack of Sierra Nevada would still be nice. :)
Posted by: durban at June 6, 2005 02:49 PM
There is sturdy, reasonably priced, non-pretentious furniture at Pier 1 at Potomac Yards in VA. They don't deliver, but I liked the selection and just bought a kitchen table and chairs which was not hard to put together. It is not cheesy like IKEA or overpriced like Williams-Sonoma. Please don't let their former or current celebrity promoters frighten you away.
I could sense the vibe at your undisclosed furniture store from across the block, before I read this entry, and did not bother to even enter.
Posted by: jimbo at June 6, 2005 05:46 PM
Um...didn't I watch "Dances With Wolves" AND "Schindler's List" at your place??
Posted by: Bonner at June 6, 2005 09:21 PM
Exactly, Bonner. Exactly.
Posted by: durban at June 6, 2005 10:07 PM
I do enjoy the Pier 1 as well. I shall add that to my registry list. Thanks for the reminder.
Posted by: durban at June 6, 2005 10:14 PM