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July 29, 2005
Circle Chomp
I was the unwilling participant in a circle chomp the other day at the gym. I was minding my own business working out alone in a corner when this nelly, leathery figure decided to lift his weights next to me. No problem, I thought. Then I noticed in the mirror this enormous wad of gum snapping loudly from his mouth. He was going to town on that poor thing. Chomp, chomp, chomp. Snap, snap, snap. I thought perhaps he was related to Britney Spears or maybe worked at the DC DMV.
If you want to chew gum, that's fine. But please do it in a somewhat civilized manner like, oh, I don't know, with your mouth closed. It is possible, people. Insert gum into mouth. Close mouth and chew. Continue chewing your little heart out while your mouth remains closed. I don't need to see what's in your mouth or how many fillings you have or what color the piece of cud is. Also, please remember, if you do chomp your gum like a cow you will be one flatulent motherfucker in a couple hours. Remember that, people. All that poor air you are inviting in needs to go somewhere. If you see your friend doing this you might want to avoid them later on. You've been warned.
Another man shows up with his friend and they are both chomp, chomp, chompin' away. They pick up their weights and force me into the corner even more. They were chomping AND talking. "Did you [snap] happen to see that Blowout show the other [pop] day? Gurl, that Jonathan [snap] Antin queen is [pop] such a bee-yotch!" Chomp, chomp, chomp. Ssssnap, ssssnap. "Oh my god, I hate [pop] that show. That guy is sssssuch a dicky head." [snap]
I looked around and saw yet another man chomping away. Was this a new gym policy no one had told me about? I appeared to be the only one gum-less. Then I thought I was being Punk'd but, luckily, remembered that I am not a celebrity.
I was trapped by the circle chomp. I was feeling claustrophobic. My face was getting flushed. Must remove myself from frightening situation.
I went to the gym for a nice workout and ended up in a Rice Krispies commercial starring Snap, Crackle, Pop and me. Ugh.
Posted by durban bud at July 29, 2005 09:18 AM
Comments
Were they smacking their lips while they were chomping? Comeon you know they must have been you were prolly just too overwhelmed to to deal with it...
I'll bet they prolly didn't wipe down the machine afterward too - rude people tend to do that.
Posted by: TOS at July 29, 2005 10:09 AM
"dicky head"?? gay men are a treasure trove of sociological phucked upedness. and i mean that in the best possible way. . .
Posted by: t.todd at July 29, 2005 02:51 PM
If you ever hear me say "Dicky head", put your ice skates on because hell froze over and your skating home. :)
Posted by: Matt at July 29, 2005 03:15 PM
Dear T.J's brain:
Thanks. You're f-ing bright and hilarious!!!
With love,
Pam
Posted by: pam at July 30, 2005 02:17 AM
Are you sure it was gum and not loose denture adhesive?
Posted by: Dave at August 1, 2005 05:59 AM
Gum-snapping irritates the hell out of me too.
Posted by: jimbo at August 3, 2005 12:29 AM
Miss Manners was asked about the “dos and don’ts of chewing and cracking gum in public.
Her response: “Don’t.”
Posted by: eric at August 4, 2005 10:37 AM
I think snapping gum is fun!
Posted by: Marla at August 10, 2005 08:52 AM