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August 15, 2005
Camp Crystal Lake
"Chu, chu, chu. Ha, ha, ha."
Went to an undisclosed location this weekend with two of my bestest friends in the world, Marla & David. Marla just purchased a "getaway" place near West Virginia. It's really nice. Apparently, it's a ski and golf resort area.
All I know is it was very hilly by her place. Reminded me of traveling to West Virginia every year as a kid. I got so sick driving those mountains. Ugh. Just thinking about it makes me want a Dramamine. It's a whole different world where my folks are from. I had to go back a few years ago for my grandmother's funeral. Some of my cousins (twice removed or something) kept referring to me as the "city boy." One of them had the audacity to say to me, "I am so glad I'm not like you." I thought, oh really, John Boy. Well, at least I have all my teeth and I don't have an affection for the Oxycontin, mmm'kay.
I'm a bad back seat driver. I'm very aware of this. I don't have a vehicle anymore so I tend to get a little emotional if I see someone about to drive us into the ditch. I do the common "huuuuuuh" sound when I see us about to crash. I did that a number of times and Marla finally turned around (resembling Regan from "The Exorcist"), "Don't fucking do that," she spewed. "You're a goddamn motherfucker. You're going to kill us all by scaring me, you piece of donkey shit. YOU ARE worse than Ann Curry ever could be. I WILL kill your pussy ass if you do that again. Satan rules." Okay, maybe she didn't say it just like that, but it seemed that way.
We stopped at a Food Lion in scary Virginia somewhere on the way there. If there ever was proof of Obesity in America, it was there. I also noticed a lot of women like to dye their hair platinum blonde and crimp it. Honey, 1982 was, like, 23 years ago, please stop playing Pac-Man and listening to Journey and move on. There are also a number of video stores around there that also serve as tanning booths. Is this normal?
Anyway, Marla's place is nowhere near the place where my parents are from. It's a wonderful place to just go and chill the fuck out. And that's what I did. We got some groceries, grilled out, drank about 37 beers and just relaxed. I needed that. It was awesome. Me and David (who is one of the few people that can make me laugh my ass off all the time) had a blast. I want to go back. Maybe you can come with me.
We were very secluded. Not used to that. It was so dark at midnight. I was kinda scared. All I could think about when I was sitting in my room alone was Jason Voorhees. If he broke through the sliding glass door, what would I do. I immediately thought I would hide under the bed. Remember that scene from Friday the 13th, Part 2 when she was under the bed and peed when she saw a rat? Yeah, well that's what I would do. I didn't picture the hockey masked Jason though. I pictured the Jason from this version. I think he is much scarier.
We also met some of Marla's neighbors. One of them resembled Paul Bunyon. He told me that he was shot twice in the head. Dear god. I thought to myself, "Holy shit. This man is on the verge of a nervous breakdown. He is going to be profiled on Forensic Files when he stabs the be-jesus out of me."
Whatever, I survived and there was no murderer around us (that I know of).
We had a great time. Please join me next time, if you can. I'm a good time.
Posted by durban bud at August 15, 2005 03:15 PM
Comments
Legwarmers... please tell me they were wearing legwarmers too - you know that nothing looks BETTER on an obese person with crimped bleached hair
than legwarmers...
except for coordinating stretch pants maybe.
Posted by: TOS at August 15, 2005 10:47 PM
Since when did dying your hair blonde, listening to Journey or playing Pac Man become a BAD thing? Those are some of the best things in life!
By the way, I dated that Paul Bunyon guy, but he dumped me...so I shot him twice in the head.
Posted by: Matt at August 16, 2005 01:01 AM
[Enter "Dueling Banjos" music...]
Uh yeah...sign me right up. Regan, Jason, Paul Bunyon with holes in his head, WV, and a roller coaster ride all the way there. Good times. (Actually, your friends sound like a lotta fun.)
Posted by: ken at August 16, 2005 09:17 AM
TJ.......I can't....stop it!
You make me laugh....really hard. I love it!
That's all I got for now.
Posted by: Pam at August 16, 2005 09:35 AM
Marla is nothing short of a hoot (even though she doesn't read my blog!) and David is funny as hell especially when he recalls the days when I was "str8" and had (goddamnit) bleached hair... but it was NEVER crimped I will say...
Posted by: TOS at August 16, 2005 09:37 AM
Hey now - no bad-mouthing Virginia, dammit. Not everyone there dyes their hair and crimps it. Well - at least not the people who moved there from somewhere else. ;)
Posted by: stina at August 16, 2005 10:27 AM
Was it near Moorefield? A friend of mine has a farm out there too. I love it there.
Posted by: jimbo at August 16, 2005 11:11 AM
Holy shit, you are hysterical TJ! What a great way to end this stressful day, reading your description of our trip. I can't stop thinking about my odd neighbor who showed you his reconstructed head - help! Why can't my neighbor be some hot contractor type who likes living in the mountains.......but nooooooooooooooo, he has brown teeth, a plastic head and drives a corvette. Just my luck - sitcom airing this fall.
So glad you and David could join me. All are welcome.
Oh and next time, since you drank 37 beers and a bottle of wine, you may want to buy more than a six pack so I will have something to offer the mountain folks the next time they stop by.
Smooch!
Posted by: Marla at August 16, 2005 10:18 PM
Oh and about the driving thing, those who do not own cars and do not drive should be required to wear protective goggles that blur their vision while riding with others.
Posted by: Marla at August 16, 2005 10:20 PM
One last comment..... today, as I walked down 14th Street, NW, I noticed the usual filth floating around. There was a man sitting on a bench in front of a mexican restaurant I frequent for lunch, I noticed a wet spot by his feet, then as my eyes moved up twoard his face, I was surprised to see his wacker hanging out and he was peeing all over himself. LOVELY! Point being, I can't wait to head back to the mountains. Won't be getting take out there anymore.
Night, night.
Posted by: Marla at August 16, 2005 10:28 PM