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August 30, 2005

Paradise, Baby!

So much going on, so little time to write.

Photo is from Sitges, Spain. We board the big gay ship today. Wish us luck.

Wish you were here!

Posted by durban bud at 03:43 PM | Comments (7)

August 25, 2005

10 Years, Baby!

Rob and I are celebrating our 10 year anniversary today. Aren't we special? Tomorrow we leave on a long vacation overseas.

Be good while I'm gone. I'm gonna miss you. ;-)

Posted by durban bud at 11:19 AM | Comments (15)

August 22, 2005

Mango Was There

Went to the beach one last time this summer. We're gonna be gone for a long time starting this weekend so we wanted one last hoorah there.

Stayed at Tim & Donn's beautiful house in town. They are wonderful hosts and great guys.

Saturday morning we spent on the beach. Perfect weather. The water was nice. There were finally big waves we could play with. Spent about 4 hours out there.

We all left back to the house for a pre-happy hour party (or to take naps and shower). When we arrived back at the house we noticed a few more gentleman had joined us. I did not know them. Most of the men staying at the house were older and had facial hair (I guess it's a requirement to stay there) but there was one person who stuck out like a sore thumb and that, my friends, was Mango from Saturday Night Live (or, at least, that's who he resembled). Now, I don't care if you're nelly or twink-like. I don't care if you're masculine and brute-like. I DO care if you're ignorant. So if you are nelly AND ignorant, I WILL make fun of you.

Most people congregated in the kitchen while chatting so I went into the living room to start a new discussion area. It worked as a few people followed me. Rob immediately joined me when he found out Mango's boyfriend was an extreme-right wing republican. My partner is extremely knowledgeable regarding politics and history. If you debate him about any political/history issue, he will shoot you down and make you look foolish in front of your friends. And it will be funny. Go ahead and try it if you want. I'm always up for a good laugh. However, because he is thoughtful, he decided to just remove himself from the situation.

Again, I don't care what political party you belong to but if you are ignorant (e.g. extreme right AND gay), I will make fun of you.

Anyway, we were chatting with this other guy we had met. He seemed nice, very intelligent and articulate on political issues. Normally, when drinking is involved, I stay away from politics and religion. I've learned my lesson in the past. He began discussing his days in the military and how he killed someone. Thanks for the buzz kill, buddy. What do you say to something like that? I said, I think I need another drink(s). Excuse me for a moment.

I chugged about 3 beers and decided I could handle the conversation now so I went back. They were discussing how China will be the new super power in 10-20 years. I'm like, "Yeah, but has anyone seen the new Green Day video?"

Then the power went out. Apparently, the baby jesus was listening to our conversation and punished us. It was bad timing because Tim & Donn were getting ready to make a huge meal. The house music in the background was now gone. You could here a pin drop. Mango appeared sad because Deborah Cox and Kristine W. ceased to over sing their fierce anthems! Dear god, what was Mango to do! The worst part, however, was that Mango's voice was now audible from where I was sitting. Ironically, Mango's drink of choice was (or is it were) Mango-tini's. For the record, I did not have one single mixed drink during this "pre-happy hour" party. I learned my lesson the last time I was there. One mixed drink at their place is really equal to about 7 and a half normal sized mixed drinks one might find at, oh, let's say, the Olive Garden.

I heard discussions of rimming, vaginas, scat, queefing, more vaginas and then I heard Mango say the following, "I do not want to turn 30. When you turn 30, your life is over!" And then I think he smacked his own sassy 28-inch waif waist ass and snapped his fingers. It got deathly quiet.

Oh really, Mango? Please remember everybody in the room was over 30, if not 40. This queen is 27. 30 is just around the corner, bitch. Luckily, I was on the other side of the room (and I was at somebody else's house) so I kept my mouth shut and tried to be somewhat respectful. However, were I at a different place, I would have snapped his skimpy li'l Flashdance leotard and said,"You LIVE in Richmond, Virginia and are a dating a far-right republican, YOU ARE ALREADY DEAD!"

Mango left soon after. Whew! People started clapping from across the street. Angels wept. Marc, Tom and Tony began square-dancing. The power came back on. The sun came back out. A mini-marching high school band passed by our block playing Celine Dion's, "A New Day Has Come." It was all very surreal but cathartic. I guess the baby jesus didn't like Mango either.

We had a wonderful dinner and met some of Tim & Donn's awesome friends. Apparently, they didn't know Mango either. He was a friend of a friend or something.

We met Tim & Donn while naked in a hot tub. You can meet some real quality people this way I am learning. We sure did. You should try it sometime.

Posted by durban bud at 08:19 AM | Comments (6)

August 15, 2005

Camp Crystal Lake

"Chu, chu, chu. Ha, ha, ha."

Went to an undisclosed location this weekend with two of my bestest friends in the world, Marla & David. Marla just purchased a "getaway" place near West Virginia. It's really nice. Apparently, it's a ski and golf resort area.

All I know is it was very hilly by her place. Reminded me of traveling to West Virginia every year as a kid. I got so sick driving those mountains. Ugh. Just thinking about it makes me want a Dramamine. It's a whole different world where my folks are from. I had to go back a few years ago for my grandmother's funeral. Some of my cousins (twice removed or something) kept referring to me as the "city boy." One of them had the audacity to say to me, "I am so glad I'm not like you." I thought, oh really, John Boy. Well, at least I have all my teeth and I don't have an affection for the Oxycontin, mmm'kay.

I'm a bad back seat driver. I'm very aware of this. I don't have a vehicle anymore so I tend to get a little emotional if I see someone about to drive us into the ditch. I do the common "huuuuuuh" sound when I see us about to crash. I did that a number of times and Marla finally turned around (resembling Regan from "The Exorcist"), "Don't fucking do that," she spewed. "You're a goddamn motherfucker. You're going to kill us all by scaring me, you piece of donkey shit. YOU ARE worse than Ann Curry ever could be. I WILL kill your pussy ass if you do that again. Satan rules." Okay, maybe she didn't say it just like that, but it seemed that way.

We stopped at a Food Lion in scary Virginia somewhere on the way there. If there ever was proof of Obesity in America, it was there. I also noticed a lot of women like to dye their hair platinum blonde and crimp it. Honey, 1982 was, like, 23 years ago, please stop playing Pac-Man and listening to Journey and move on. There are also a number of video stores around there that also serve as tanning booths. Is this normal?

Anyway, Marla's place is nowhere near the place where my parents are from. It's a wonderful place to just go and chill the fuck out. And that's what I did. We got some groceries, grilled out, drank about 37 beers and just relaxed. I needed that. It was awesome. Me and David (who is one of the few people that can make me laugh my ass off all the time) had a blast. I want to go back. Maybe you can come with me.

We were very secluded. Not used to that. It was so dark at midnight. I was kinda scared. All I could think about when I was sitting in my room alone was Jason Voorhees. If he broke through the sliding glass door, what would I do. I immediately thought I would hide under the bed. Remember that scene from Friday the 13th, Part 2 when she was under the bed and peed when she saw a rat? Yeah, well that's what I would do. I didn't picture the hockey masked Jason though. I pictured the Jason from this version. I think he is much scarier.

We also met some of Marla's neighbors. One of them resembled Paul Bunyon. He told me that he was shot twice in the head. Dear god. I thought to myself, "Holy shit. This man is on the verge of a nervous breakdown. He is going to be profiled on Forensic Files when he stabs the be-jesus out of me."

Whatever, I survived and there was no murderer around us (that I know of).

We had a great time. Please join me next time, if you can. I'm a good time.

Posted by durban bud at 03:15 PM | Comments (10)

August 11, 2005

Take Me Out

We went to a play last night called "Take Me Out." Everyone has been raving about it. Hmmm. It was okay. It was about 7 hours too long. And it was about baseball.

There were lots of naked penises. I wasn't expecting that (especially since I was in the second row). It sorta made for some awkward moments.

I couldn't help but notice that a few of the guys looked very familiar. Perhaps, I tricked with them in my slutty days? I don't know. Not even sure they were gay. These guys were quite, um, large. I give them lots of credit for getting up there under the hot lights and showing off their bodies. Of course, they were flawless so I'm sure that helps. I wonder if any of the actors' parents were in the auditorium.

Not quite sure what the message of the play was supposed to be. There were some strange relationships between some of the characters that never seemed to be explained. Then again, I'm not the sharpest tool in the drawer so maybe the message was clear.

On a completely separate subject, I've been getting a lot of Christian themed spam lately. That seems very sinful and morally wrong to me.

Posted by durban bud at 10:46 AM | Comments (8)

August 10, 2005

Camel-Toe

So this woman jogged by me yesterday sporting the largest camel-toe I've seen in a long time. It was disgusting. All last night I had dreams of real camels. I was hanging out with this big camel. He was my friend. Occasionally, I would ride him. I'm pretty pissed about it though. I really don't want to be dreaming about camels. Just thought I'd share.

Posted by durban bud at 09:43 AM | Comments (5)

August 08, 2005

Whip Smart

Went to see Liz Phair Friday night with the boys. It was an acoustic show with just she and her partner, Dino. They were phenomenal. Started with Polyester Bride. Ended with Fuck & Run. Bob is remixing one of her new songs so we went backstage after the show to say hi. I got to bug her. She was a good sport. She caught me singing (read: butchering) Whip Smart so she helped me finish the chorus. I've decided I have a huge crush on her. Please don't tell Rob. I think she is probably the only woman I could cross over to the dark side for. Again, please don't tell Rob. New CD, Somebody's Miracle, comes out October 4th. Please support my new girlfriend. And, yes, I will be her whore. I don't care.

Saturday morning we all went to the beach. AWESOME time. Met up with a bunch of people. Here's what I remember (in no particular order): warm ocean water, handstands, sun, sushi, thunderstorms, putting sunscreen on Joe, dolphins, Tim & Donn, beer, Bob waiting for us at 6pm sharp, hugs, dinner at Sole, sushi, ice cream, running out of the Sandcastle so no one would see us staying there, good times. My lips are chapped.

Love my friends. Seriously.

Oh, by the way, if you spent money on seeing a movie called, "The Dukes of Hazzard," please stop reading my blog and stay away from me. We would not get along. Thanks.

Posted by durban bud at 09:59 AM | Comments (6)

August 05, 2005

Return of the Lime Green Monster

Guess who's back? The lime green monster is making an appearance this weekend. Uh-oh.

I've had a sucky week so I am looking forward to it. I keep getting some stomach virus thingie this year. I was out for a couple days this week. Totally sucked but my partner was so good to me. Did I mention that I kinda dig him? A lot. I am so behind on so many work projects but am finally starting to see the light of day. Which makes me happy and those client people.

Also, while I was laid out in bed I watched a marathon of that reality show with Jerry Hall. I always thought it looked terrible and would never watch it. Well, those bastards got me hooked and it was fantastic television. I hate when they lure me in like that. I'm better than that, god damnit! (Or am I?)

Anyway, I will be out and about. Going to see a cool concert tonight and then head to the beach in the morning. Should be an awesome time. Life is good.

Hope to see you there.

Posted by durban bud at 03:03 PM | Comments (8)

August 03, 2005

Ann Curry Sux Donkey Dick

I don't mean to be rude, but Ann Curry is a terrible interviewer. Don't get me wrong; she seems like a lovely woman to have sushi with, but she sucks donkey dick at interviewing. She always seems a little TOO into the story. It's almost frightening. If I showed up at the Today show for an interview with Katie or Matt, and they told me I had to be interviewed by this mess, I would throw down a hissy fit and leave. She is just awful. Sorry. But it's true.

Posted by durban bud at 09:51 AM | Comments (17)

August 01, 2005

The Color Purple

<-- Check out that picture right there (click to enlarge). Do not adjust your monitor colors. You ARE seeing the color purple. No, that is not Donny Osmond as a toddler. No, that is not Peter Allen as a toddler. It's not even Rip Taylor. It is yours truly!

Now I'm no expert on toddler dressing but I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that purple probably wasn't a popular choice for 2 years old in 1973. Maybe I'm wrong though.

It's now apparent that I was primed from my earliest stages of life to be somewhat different. And I kinda like that. It's a good picture too.

Anyway, I'm learning I'm not a very good uncle. My sister has 3 kids and they are all so beautiful and bright and well-behaved. My sister is an amazing mother. It's funny that she and I are even related because we are so very different. We even look different. She is very attractive and was always the homecoming/prom queen in high school. I was always her "little brother." She still takes wonderful care of herself and looks great.

Her latest addition turns one year old tomorrow. It always ends up costing me double what a present should cost because I have to have it overnighted because I always forget about it. I'm not so good with dates.

I remember when she told me she was pregnant with this "surprise" one, I thought to myself, quite selfishly, I can't afford another one, please use protection. "Congratulations, though!"

Whenever her kids have birthdays I ask my sister what they want. She tells me what to get them and I do. I think she does this cuz she wants them to hate me. Every gift she makes me get them they never like.

She always makes me get them "educational" gifts. One year for my oldest nephew she suggested I get him the Harry Potter book series because "he loves them and loves to read." So I did. The next Christmas I asked my nephew if he liked Harry Potter. He said, "No, I hate him. He's boring." Thanks, Sis, another strike against Uncle TJ Durban!

This past X-mas, we went to Colorado to visit her family (Rob and I alternate between families every X-mas). This year was my turn. Great. My sister said that my nephew and niece are learning math puzzles and fractions and LOVE them. She directs me to a new educational game "they will love." Okay, I thought to myself, I WILL get this for them since they LOVE it so much.

Keep in mind, my nephew has just opened a bunch of PlayStation games and my niece has opened a bunch of Barbie doll presents. They start to unwrap my cool math fraction game. They both look at it bewildered and toss it aside. My sister says, "Say thank you to your uncles." My sister always forced me to add Rob into the "uncle" mix. I always loved that cuz it made her look progressive and also made me not take all of the blame for crappy presents. They oblige, throw it down and move on to the next cool present my sister never told me to get them. Thank god my mom was serving potent mimosas.

From now on, I will get them what I want. Something purple, perhaps.

Posted by durban bud at 03:18 PM | Comments (6)