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October 12, 2005
The Grudge
We had a yard sale the other weekend. I am trying to get rid of a ton of shit I do not use anymore. Anyway, as I was cleaning out my closet (insert Eminem beats here), I came across a bag that contained some weed a number of old cards and letters from ex-boyfriends and friends during my first few years of coming out. Since I didn't date guys until I was 20 I decided to hold onto (almost) everything that was given to me. I never got to experience love letters from guys in high school so I always wanted to have hard copy proof that somebody actually liked me the way I wanted/needed to be liked. Make sense?
Most of these guys were so sweet and gracious to me. I wish I could say I was the same in return. I was new to the whole dating process, insecure, inexperienced and kind of a dick. I dated a number of people at the same time. It was just such a great feeling to FINALLY get the attention I desired. So I saved a lot of it. Even my ex who I bitch about a lot wrote me some of the nicest letters I have ever gotten (now-a-days I guess they would be called "e-mails"). I don't know. I was young and I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm sorry for behaving like a moron to those guys. Most of them didn't deserve it. Now I'm not apologizing to every guy I dated, I'm just saying the majority deserved a lot more than I could give them at the time.
My point is I'm trying to be better about holding grudges against people. All people. At the time, I would tell horror stories about those guys and exaggerate mean things those guys "did to me" to make me break up with them or what-not. I'm not just referring to people I've dated; I'm speaking about friends as well.
It's funny how some people come in and out of our lives. We can be so damn close for a number of months and then never speak to them again. It's just odd. I can honestly say that I do not "hate" anyone. I think Ann Coulter, Tom Cruise and Doris Roberts are giant douches. I don't hate them though. I just feel sorry for them cuz they're very ignorant and self-absorbed. There are definitely people I am disappointed with or people I choose not to hang around simply because we are just not compatible or I find their behavior toxic. And, guess what, people? We cannot be compatible with everyone. Nor should we try to be. A lot of people will like us but there will also be people who just won't click with us. And that should be okay. I think we all have this need to be liked by everyone but that's just not reality. And it's okay.
I used to be such a grudge holder. If you ever crossed me I would never give you another chance. It was silliness I now realize. I am more mature now so I can actually SEE the way I was behaving. At times, I felt it was genetic.
I have one of the greatest mothers in the world. I love her dearly. I never met her father. He left my grandmother for another woman when my mom was just 13 years old. My mom's 4 other siblings had moved out of the house at that time. My mom was the youngest. My grandmother had to work 3 jobs just to provide the basic necessities to live. My mom never forgave him for what he did. She never saw him again. I never met him.
He died a couple years ago. My mom did not go to the funeral. Her other siblings did. They continued a relationship with him even though what he did was deplorable. My mom has her reasons for never speaking with him again and I do not judge her for her choices. If I were in her shoes, I probably would feel the same way.
I do have to say though that it would have been nice to meet him at least one time, ya know, just to shake his hand and look into his eyes to see if we had any sort of resemblance. Even if it were just for a few minutes. I don't know. The whole situation is sad but I completely respect my mom's decisions. I wonder at times if this "grudge" (deservedly so) ever affected her throughout the years. Maybe not. She was always amazing and sweet with my sister and me. I do know it would have affected me. Maybe she is just a stronger person.
And I'm certainly not saying that someone who has done you wrong needs to be immediately forgiven. We can be cordial when we see them but also choose not to spend time with them or celebrate them as a human being. That's fine. All I'm trying to say is some of the grudges we hold against other people end up making us more bitter and angrier at the world. It's just not worth all the built up anxiety we hold inside toward another human being.
I get classified as aloof a lot of the time. Some people consider this as I don't like them. It's all silliness. We need to stop trying to analyze what/how other people feel/think when we, honestly, have no idea. And we really need to stop thinking that others are thinking about us because, in reality, they probably are not spending anytime thinking about you.
Bottom line is there are people in horrible, inhumane situations around the world. Is your grudge against someone else really that important when you compare it to how the majority of people live in this world? I think not. Life is too short. Let it go.
Posted by durban bud at October 12, 2005 01:11 PM
Comments
Dbud and I often discuss the people who have come and gone from our lives. Some have departed painfully; others have left to joyfully seek a new direction while some have simply vanished all together. As life accelerates with each passing year I find no relevance to holding onto anger or pain. They eventually mold into one dark feeling which simply suspends you from moving on. Mistakenly, when I was younger I did not understand that to forgive is a necessity for being at peace with oneself. To forgive does not mean things will return to how they may have been in the past, it simply means you come to accept things are OK with the way they are now. The act of forgiveness may not come easy, and it often takes some time to accept, but let the hurt go and you will move forward.
Posted by: rob at October 12, 2005 03:31 PM
Well said, TJ. I think a lot of us hold onto past grudges not because we still feel that way, but out of habit. It's a waste of emotion and silly.
Forgiveness can be difficult, especially when dealing with yourself. Having compassion for yourself and for other people are truly things you experience more as you get older (if you're lucky.)
Posted by: Matt at October 13, 2005 10:40 AM
You think you are "aloof"? You are about as aloof as a remora stuck on the underside of a shark - with about as much suction power too.
Nice post though. One to grow on.
Posted by: jimbo at October 13, 2005 11:57 AM
Great entree TJ.
I think it's pretty cool to know someone for as long as we have and still be in each others life to sit back as I just did and FEEL happy for your friend who now gets it. People don't always get that in life......I think we're lucky for that. I knew the place that you came from, just as my story was familar to you. Thank you for being part of my history.
You really have come a long way.......
I think Whitney Houston had a point after all......learning to love yourself.... it REALLY is the greatest love of all.
This whole "self-worth" thing looks great on you!!
Good for you!!!!
love you. xoxo pam
Posted by: pam at October 13, 2005 04:10 PM
ps.
well said rob!
Posted by: pam at October 13, 2005 04:12 PM
I have no idea about his suction power (and I want to keep it that way!) but I have never found Dbud to be aloof - we could yap for hours...
Posted by: TOS at October 13, 2005 05:01 PM
I love you too, Pam, but I do need to make a couple corrections from your comment.
An "entree" is something you would be served as a main course at the Olive Garden or, perhaps, Denny's.
The lyrics from "The Greatest Love Of All" are very sweet but Ms. Houston, obviously, does not live by the words she sings so passionately. She is a crack head with an abusive boyfriend. Please do not refer to her on my blog in any sort of inspirational way. Have you seen an episode of "Being Bobby Brown"? No one should ever aspire to be like that mess. Thank you.
Posted by: durban at October 14, 2005 07:08 AM
You got it Chief!!
I never have been the best speller, have I.
Posted by: Pam at October 14, 2005 10:17 AM
Amen sista! What a great entry. If I were to share w/ someone a quality of mine I was proud of, it would be that I don't hold grudges. I have many friends that do and it's unhealthy. As you said, others are suffering around the world, unlike anything we can imagine. Let's all talk more, discuss, be HONEST and move on. Let it GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
Thanks for providing great discussions TJ. xo
Posted by: Mumping at October 18, 2005 10:48 PM