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January 16, 2006
Frosted Mini-Wheats
While everyone was out enjoying a hot and naughty MAL/Blowoff weekend and my selfish heart was breaking into a million little pieces, I was contemplating my one and only barf story from school.
In middle school and high school, we used to have to do those annual state exams to see how many sit-ups, push-ups, squat thrusts, etc. we could do within a minute during gym class. Phys Ed was my first class of the day during 7th grade.
I always did pretty well on these exams. I used to be really skinny. In fact, I used to take supplements to try and gain weight during my later schooling. Wow, seems like years ago. Then I discovered that if you truly want to gain weight just take an affection for beer. Works like a charm.
I finished class and went to second period which was my math class. I sat behind a girl with a big nose who always dreamed of being a figure skater. After sitting at my desk for a few minutes, I felt very nauseous. I put my hand over my mouth and tried to avoid any thoughts of puking. This CANNOT happen right now. Don’t do it. Don’t do it. Think of something else. Ignore it. Think of boobies. Think of economics. Think of math, for Christ’s sake. Little sounds started speaking from my belly. Figure skater turned around and smiled at my embarrassing noises; I smiled back. It all happened so fast. If I could have left the room in time, I would have. Then. It let loose. Frosted, Mini, And Wheat all made their big performance debut.
I lost it. Big time. Frosted mini-wheats spilled all over me. Everyone looked at me. One of the single most embarrassing moments I can ever remember. Luckily, I had a friendly math teacher. He told everyone to leave the room immediately. The kids ran out the door and I remember several of them turning around pointing, staring and laughing at me.
I didn't know what to think or do. I sat there just covered in my own breakfast. I felt and looked like Carrie only instead of blood; I was covered in Frosted-Mini Wheats with 2% milk added into the mix.
The good news was I got to leave school for the rest of the day. I also got to stay home the next day so I guess it wasn't THAT bad. (I did also barf in church while singing, "He Lives, Christ Jesus Lives Today," but I'll save that story for another day).
As bad as it was, I learned to masturbate for the first time while I got to spend time away from school (yeah, I know, I was a late bloomer). But remember, the Lord does work in mysterious ways. ;-)
So when you're feeling down and sad, just remember the other times in your life which were far worse and you'll be able to get through those newer "not-so-good" moments.
That is my Dr. Durban tip of the day. I'm here to help.
Posted by durban bud at January 16, 2006 01:16 PM
Comments
he lives, he lives, christ jesus lives today!
he walks with me and talks with me along life's narrow way!
you ask me how i know he lives, he lives within my heart!
-- and you thought i only knew Madonna songs by heart!
jesus rocks.
Posted by: t.todd at January 16, 2006 06:48 PM
(singing along) "He walks with me... he talks with me..."
Ok bible songs aside (I am particularly fond of "Bringing in the Sheep" which we sang every Sunday... but "He Lives" is def. in my Top 5 - but I digress)
Note to self... never eat dinner while surfing DurbanBarf.com errr DurbanBud rather... I am so glad I bought Raisin Bran Crunch tonight instead of my favorite mini-wheats - lest I have to return them to avoid a mini-wheats mishap...
Posted by: TOS at January 16, 2006 09:24 PM
Reading between the lines here a bit, but you don't get a boner whenever you watch a movie and someone barfs, do you?
Posted by: Steve in ORF at January 17, 2006 06:24 AM
Ew. I'm not into vomit at all. Even thinking about it makes me want to hurl cocoa puffs.
But both of these things happening the same day is interesting but purely coincidental. Yuck.
Posted by: durban bud at January 17, 2006 12:05 PM
Boy that is a much better story than me drunk and barfing sangria and microwave frozen manicoti in my bed when I was 16. Still cannot drink sangria to this day. TJ, do you still eat froster mini wheats?
We missed you at MAL and at dinner on Sunday.
Posted by: Donn at January 17, 2006 08:04 PM
That was truly moving. Especially the, uh, happy ending. I guess when God closes a door he opens a window. Or a fly ;)
Posted by: always write at January 19, 2006 11:47 AM
ummm.....please post a new one
:0)
thanks
Posted by: Pam at January 20, 2006 09:22 AM
I'm sorry, Pam. Am I getting a subscription fee from you?
Donn, missed you guys too. Wish I could been there. I'm sure you had plenty of crazy fun. I would eat FMW again but I really don't eat cereal at all anymore. Let's have some sangria next time I see you and we can film it and post it here. That would be wicked fun!
Todd/Tos: I have an arsenol of church hymns I was forced to memorize. I'll post more during my church barf story.
Posted by: durban bud at January 20, 2006 11:34 AM