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January 03, 2006
Mama Cass
Fat jokes can be funny. They're like gay jokes. One or two may cause a giggle but that's about it. It's an easy way to get a quick laugh cuz it's still acceptable to make fun of fats and gays. That's why Letterman & Leno do "Brokeback Mountain" jokes every fucking night. The writers are running out of clever writing.
And aiming fat jokes at gay men is just a sin. I think it's in the Bible. I believe it's in the Book of Luke, Chapter 12-14, Verse 34-35 or something close to that. It says something like, "and those one in teneth who possess such fabulousity and hot muscle bearishness shall never be made aware of any physical flaws regarding belly protrusion for it is an abomination unto the Lord, 'mmm'kay? And can I get an amen?). We're already insecure about our looks and life enough (even if we have 6% body fat).
Went to a New Year's small gathering with some friends. Joe was the host and it was wonderful. Bob came over and my Rob. Joe also invited Wayland Flowers & Madame a gay couple we did not know. They were, um, lovely.
I made an innocent little joke in front of everyone that I had gained a few pounds during the holidays and my mid-section had now made me resemble Mama Cass and that I need to hit the gym hard if I am to make it to MAL in a couple weeks. It was a fucking silly joke. Wow, was that a mistake. First off, my apologies to the Cass family. I meant no disrespect. I enjoy poking fun at myself also. I'm a good sport. If I can dish it out, I can take it (especially when I know what they are saying isn't that extreme; I may be beefy but I ain't fat).
Well...we decided to have a bite to eat around Joe's dinner table and then play games there. He bought his dinner chairs from a relatively new furniture store in DC called Muleh a couple years ago. Muleh has freaky furniture. Sorry, it may appeal to some but not for me. That's irrelevant though. Joe purchased four dinner table chairs from that store. Only one chair from the set still exists to this day. Of course, who do you think broke the 3rd one? Yep, I made my Mama Cass joke and sat down in the motherfuckin' Muleh chair. This is what I and everyone else heard next: "CRRRRRRRUNNNNNNNNCH." Joe. My. God. Is this really happening to me? I mean, I'm not fat. The holiday weight gain is not THAT bad; now I'm thinking it is BAD! I'm breaking fucking chairs with my heavy body weight (and also oddly humming "California Dreamin" as I fall to the ground)! I am Chris Durban Bud Farley. Or so I now think.
Joe informs me that two of the other Muleh chairs have also broken recently from other "non heavy" people. He can't take them back or call the place to complain because the chairs were purchased on his ex's credit card. Well, I will complain. In fact, I will never shop there. I know some of you have bought things there and I do appreciate their uniqueness but would you sit on a couch that looks like a bird's nest.
We decide to start the DVD movie game (which I think I'm gonna kick everyone's ass at). I should have made sure all movies featured in the questions were post 1980. I'm sorry, I don't know old movies.
The game was not the point; the incessant fat jokes littered throughout the entire game and visit (for that matter) were the point. And they came from that couple I had just met!!! They were relentless. I can poke fun at myself; I usually do on this blog. You can poke fun at me, a lot of people do (which is fine if it is funny and clever); I will laugh but after 20 of the same type of jokes from a couple guys I just met, I probably will stop laughing. If, after fat joke #21, you can't say something witty then you really need to hang up your New Year's Eve comedian shoes. "According to Jim" is funnier than the same one-liners they were throwin' at me. The others that were there can confirm this. They agreed enough was enough (although no one said a word, I guess that would make it even more uncomfortable).
I played along and tried to fake laugh at every single one of their jokes. I asked Joe if he had any ham sandwiches to serve the lovely couple. Unfortunately, he was all out. Finally, the game ended and the sweet couple left. I'm sure these guys are very nice (except to me) and I'm sure they would be awesome to hang out with.
The rest of us had an enjoyable time. Seriously, we did, until, of course, we saw Dick Clark. I'll just leave it at that. After seeing that, you can joke about me all you want. He's a real trooper for going out there in public so I have nothing to complain about.
But I will find something.
Posted by durban bud at January 3, 2006 05:43 PM
Comments
Funny... a lot of chair breaking this NYE.
My best bud from Chicago broke not one but TWO of the chairs out on my deck at my party. Luckily, they were cheap director's chairs from Target, not strange rattan sculptures from Muleh. (I agree.. weird ass store.)
Posted by: JD at January 4, 2006 12:17 PM
Not a fan of Muleh either. Two-thirds of their overpriced inventory could be pasted together from materials collected in my backyard.
As for breaking the chair... Svelte as we are, it's still good motivation. I'd tape a Polaroid of the wreckage to the front of my treadmill and use it to get me through the last mile. Then again, I'm incredibly neurotic.
Posted by: always write at January 4, 2006 01:58 PM
LOL, very funny post! Sorry that you were the butt of too many unfunny jokes! That sucks! But, funny post, nonetheless!
Posted by: Bubala at January 4, 2006 04:35 PM
Lord, I'm gonna have Patsy schedule Emergency Lypo prior to MAL.
Posted by: Dinger at January 4, 2006 06:26 PM
I think those xxxxxxx were xxxxx, xxxxxx and xxxx for what they said. And the wreckage from the broken Pyuuuleh chair should only motivate one thing...
Beating those two xxxxx xxxxxx senseless with the chair's remains...
For the record Boo and TOS dropped by too - though had we stayed I would have had those nasty xxxxxx in tears...
Editor's note: Some words have been deleted out of sensitivity to others. ;-)
Posted by: TOS at January 4, 2006 09:48 PM
come on.......you're not fat. hilarious, but not fat....
(the bible and fat people).....
and the photo of mama cass.....you kill me.
Posted by: pam at January 9, 2006 01:14 PM