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July 26, 2006
No Public Dumping
Miss Manners: Hello?
Me: Hi, Miss Manners, it's TJ from durban bud.
Miss Manners: Ew. Um, hello, Mr. Bud. I'm actually glad you called. I've been meaning to speak to you.
Me: How are you today?
MM: I'm divine. I'm enjoying an exquisite Cranberry-Orange Scone with my dear friend, Heloise. She was kind enough to drop by to help me remove some nail polish I spilled on my afghan. How are you this fine mid-morning?
Me: I'm doing well. What did you want to speak to me about?
Me: Well, I'm concerned about your excessive use of foul language lately. It's quite offensive, especially the "C" word.
Me: Well sometimes the extreme always leaves an impression.
MM: Call me when the shuttle lands, Mr. Bud, and please stop using quotes from Heathers. Be original for Christ's sake.
Me: Okay, but really, is the "C" word any different from the "B" word?
MM: Did you have a question for me?
Me: Is it okay for someone to go the bathroom in a public stall?
MM: Of course, it is. That's what they're there for, dear. Wait a second, are we talking about number one or number two?
Me: Number two
MM: Oh heavens to betsy. Unless it's an absolute emergency, the answer is no. It is simply rude and unnecessary, much like your blog.
Me: That's what I thought, but a lot of people do it. A friend of mine recently did, and it was in a bathroom that only fits three people.
MM: I'm about to upchuck my cranberry-orange scone. Is this your friend who packs his entire wardrobe for short trips?
Me: No
MM: Is it your friend with the incessant gagging problem?
Me: Um, I cannot confirm nor deny.
MM: Is he a republican?
Me: Who?
MM: The defecator
Me: No, why?
MM: Because most public room defecators are republicans. The act itself is very selfish. They think their shit don't stink, when, in fact, it does stink, and it affects all others around them. Screw the rest of the people. And neo-cons have the most offensive BM's; Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld and Condi are all public poopers. It's in their nature, and unfortunately, there is no solution to the madness. Is your public room defecating friend a homosexual?
Me: Yes
MM: Hmm. I thought your people knew better than that. Is he from Texas?
Me: Actually, yes. How did you know?
MM: Just a hunch. Gay Texans are a different breed, very cute and likeable but generally full of shit. Literally.
Me: Yikes, I have friends in Texas.
MM: Hold on, Heloise is shootin' her trap.
To Heloise: What?
MM: She said, things are bigger in Texas, and that includes their enormous poo. Heloise made a funny.
To Heloise: Keep scrubbin'
Me: Well, how do people avoid having to go?
MM: You have to think of it like this: What would Jesus do? Jesus would bake his brownies first thing in the morning, he would eat a healthy breakfast rich in fiber, he would eat a light lunch, and healthy small snacks throughout the day. He would avoid unhealthy binge eating and the Olive Garden. He would become regular. It's quite simple actually.
Me: Well, what if they have some sort of medical condition and can't help it?
MM: Then they must work at home, or become a real estate agent. Why do you think there are so many real estate agents? They have the freedom to poop.
Me: Hmm.
MM: Heloise wants to talk to you for a second.
Heloise: Jimmmmmmmbo, whazzzzzzzzup? Jimboooo. Jimbaroni. The Jimboni. Whaaaaazzzzzzup? The Jimeister. Jimbalyaaaa. Jimbo Juicccccce. Whaaaaazzzzzzup?
Me: I'm not Jimbo.
Silence
Heloise: Chrissssssafer, whaaaaazzzzzup? Chrissssay. Chrissssay. Chrisssay from Three's Company. Blah, blah, blah, Chrisssay. Jesus H. Chrisafer, whaaaaazzzzzup?
Me: This isn't Chrisafer either.
Silence
MM: Grabs phone. I'm sorry about that.
Me: Has she been drinking?
MM: She's had 2 mint juleps, but she's been huffing the hell out of the nail polish remover.
MM: I'm sorry, dear. So just to sum it up, public dumping is bad. It's poor etiquette. It's right up there with gum chomping. Emergency public pooping is the exception, not the rule.
Me: Okay, thanks for your time. I'll pass along the info.
Posted by durban bud at July 26, 2006 12:35 AM
Comments
So howabout dumping at your friend's house? For some reason, whenever I go to anyone's house I have to dump.
Posted by: jimbo at July 26, 2006 10:21 AM
Hilarious post! I've been giggling like a school girl at my desk reading it! And thanks for the advice, I now know to never follow Ann Coulter into a public bathroom.
Posted by: Herb at July 26, 2006 12:57 PM
Remind me to never invite Jimbo over ;-)
Posted by: Jim at July 26, 2006 01:02 PM
Hahahahahahahahaha. You are SUCH a freak! But that was hilarious. As for the comment about Coulter -- she already IS a load of sh**. Sh** with an Adam's apple.
Posted by: Kinny at July 26, 2006 01:44 PM
I made a similar complaint when DieselXXX posted about gym etiquette on Mis310's blog... I don't know what it is with these steroided weightlifters who think it is ok to drop bombs at the gym on a regular basis... Seriously I want to gag everytime I go into a gym lockeroom... leave your protein-stinking poop at home! LOL
Posted by: TOS at July 26, 2006 03:09 PM
Very funny. At least my body doesn't prompt me right between Archives & Gallery Place any more; that was scry.
Jimbo is probably marking territory like a cat. Still I would just break out the spray bottle I always keep handy. Sure it contains Mr. Clean, but the effect is the same ;-)
Posted by: Carl at July 26, 2006 04:02 PM
Just so we're clear:
There will be no dumping at my household during fun group activities. All offenders will be promptly escorted out the door, and be given a poor etiquette citation. Thank you.
Posted by: durban bud at July 28, 2006 01:41 PM
Being a RPCV like Jimbo (and also a Texan), when you gotta go, you gotta go. However, I think Miss Manners should have mentioned that everyone should have matches in the bathroom, you know, just in case Jimbo or I ever visit your house.
Posted by: Glenn at August 13, 2006 06:16 PM