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August 31, 2006
Jeffrey's Weather
Why are there so many gay weathermen? They seem to be everywhere.
I used to see many-a gay weathermen on the dance floor at various venues. Oddly, I never slept with one.
I wonder what creates the fascination. I always thought clouds were cute and puffy, and hurricanes were mean and scurry, but that was my extent of interest. Maybe it's the rainbows. That's probably it. Must be.
This guy loves his weather. Some people refer to him as Sugar Tits, but I have retired that term; it is soooo early August. Since most gay men use their full first name (i.e. Robert, Matthew, Christopher, Hedda Lettuce, etc.), I think he should go by Jeffrey. That way we're left with no doubt.
It's gotta be the rainbows.
Posted by durban bud at 8:41 AM | Comments (9)
August 30, 2006
Bigger Is Not Always Better
Check out this lobster claw. The lobster was caught off the coast of New Hampshire, in the Bay of Maine I believe. It weighed 19 pounds. It could totally snap that baby's head off.
Apparently, the bigger the lobster, the tougher the meat. Our friends said it wasn't very good.
This lobster was about 40 years old. There are laws about catching lobsters a certain size and age depending on where it is caught; I guess this catch was legal.
I don't understand how they manage to survive for so many years considering how many predators they have, and how tasty they are.
The Internet is a Series of Tubes
I've posted a bunch of pics from our recent excursion to illustrate this point.
Jimbo
Recently transplanted furball from NYC, Josh
Mumi, Bubala & Tos
Carl (Copperred) & Mumi
Jimbo & Eric heading down some rapids. I'm spreading my legs for them.
Tos
Some retard
Carl & Jimbo, not sure what they were doing. Caption This!
Posted by durban bud at 9:10 AM | Comments (11)
August 28, 2006
I Am Not My Back Hair
There are so many subcategories in life.
Human Beings > Men > Gay Men > Furry Gay Men & Their Admirers > Furry Gay Men & Their Admirers Who Write About Their Lives On The Internet > Furry Gay Men & Their Admirers Who Write About Their Lives On The Internet & Want To Float On A Tube On The Potomac.
That last category is the one Jimbo & I assembled on Saturday. Actually there were more non-bloggers that came along, but you get the point.
Knowing that I would be shirtless on this excursion, I faced the dilemma that all gay men and women face when exposing their torso to the world, "Should I shave my back hair?"
I don't have much back hair at all, but there is a small tuft of it, mostly on my upper back. Oddly, it's becoming more blonde as I age through my thirties.
When I used to go clubbing on a regular basis, I would always present myself as freshly manscaped without a hint of fur in unsavory places. Those days are over; I have accepted my furriness, and I am at peace with that.
Anyway, a fine group of handsome men came along for the tubing trip. I had a blast. The two hour ride ended up taking four hours. The day was absolutely beautiful. Pics are here.
It's amazing how comforting it is to be amongst your fellow "subcategories".
Posted by durban bud at 9:39 AM | Comments (16)
August 25, 2006
The Crow
Don't ask me to smile in pictures anymore, and please don't make me laugh. I'm noticing those dreaded lines are now forming around my eyes, and I don't like it.
The idea of botox intrigues me, but I'm not sure I could ever do it. It seems pretty minor and eventually it does wear off, so if I didn't look human, I would just need to wait about 2 months. Hmmm.
I've noticed a few good nose jobs, but I don't need a nose job. I'm happy with my ski-jump nose. That's what some guy I dated told me I had. He would say, "I love your ski-jump nose and chocolate chip eyes." Gag.
But I've noticed a lot of people lately don't look all that human, especially at my gym. What do you do when you haven't seen someone in a long time, and when you do, they look like they've seen JonBenet's ghost? It's hard to carry on a conversation. That's happened to me a couple times recently.
I don't think I would ever have plastic surgery. I'd be afraid I'd mess something up for good. Just look at Bruce Jenner or this individual. Mr. Jenner now kinda looks like...a lesbian.
I guess I'll just grow old gracefully, without smiling, of course.
Posted by durban bud at 10:28 AM | Comments (7)
August 23, 2006
Axl Rose Is Yelling Again
Axl Rose was in my dream last night. Not surprisingly, he was screaming at me. Not sure why, but he was very mean. Tommy Lee was there too. We were at some fancy coffeeshop in Amsterdam. Madonna would occasionally show up. Each time she looked at me, she would say:
"Do I have to change my name?
Will it get me far?
Should I lose some weight?
Will I get SARS?"
It was all very odd.
A lot of my dreams include famous musicians. Kurt Cobain, Madonna and, for some strange reason, the Indigo Girls often show up.
Sometimes a porn star will visit my mental movies. However, I rarely have sex dreams. This is disappointing. In fact, I've never had a wet dream. I don't think that's very fair. Makes me sad. I think I should ask for my money back. If I do end up fooling around with someone, we never finish. I wonder why.
Some of my dreams consist of shapes, colors and tastes. One of my scariest dreams is of these large shapes. They always seem like they're crushing me. I've had these shape dreams since I was a kid. I usually wake up with a metallic taste in my mouth after having them.
Someday I will have these psychoanalyzed. Someday.
Posted by durban bud at 10:47 AM | Comments (11)
August 21, 2006
A Walking Disaster
I was away last year when Hurricane Katrina struck; I was stuck on a boat with a bunch of homosexuals having the time of my life. In hindsight, I feel kinda guilty.
Right before we left for the trip, the hurricane was approaching. We hung out for a few days in Barcelona before we boarded the boat. We watched CNN occasionally to get the latest info. The last we heard was the storm wasn't as bad as predicted.
Then we were gone.
The only thing we heard on the boat was that there was a lot of flooding, and Celine Dion cried on Larry King (This was a gay cruise after all). The distance from North America and the girth of Ira's suitcases pretty much insulated us from hearing much of anything.
As selfish as it sounds, I'm glad we were away. There's enough doom and gloom, and we all need to escape from it from time to time.
So HBO is showing a 4-hour documentary tonight and tomorrow night at 9pm. I'm going to watch it to see exactly what went down. The reviews have been extremely positive.
I wonder if there are any former employees of Enron named Katrina whose birthday is on September 11th, cuz that would really suck.
She'd be a walking disaster.
Posted by durban bud at 4:59 PM | Comments (3)
August 20, 2006
Durban Sports
My blogDaddy once told me, "Son, if you have nothing to say on your blog, just post photos of attractive men."
"Thank you, blogDaddy, I will do as you say. I WILL do as you say."
People routinely come to my site via Google to find travel information on Durban, South Africa, but they are sorely disappointed. More specifically, they are usually looking for whores in Durban, South Africa. Not sure why my site comes up for that. So I thought I would call this post Durban Sports, to again, disappoint the many.
Anyway, from time to time I'll see a rather attractive man on the telly playing a sporting event. In the past week, I came upon these three blokes. I don't know anything about them, except that they caught my eye.
One of them plays golf. Can he really be considered an athlete because of this? I think not. I played golf once and that was enough to bore the bejesus out of me. It took 3 hours to play 9 holes. I had a much better average at the Crew Club!
#1: Kinda handsome. Name is Chris DiMarco. Hits a ball.
#2: Name is James. Swats balls. Has really white teeth.
#3: Name is Justin. Tackles other men. Tattoo signifies bottom.
#3 gets my vote.
Posted by durban bud at 12:00 AM | Comments (7)
August 16, 2006
George Allen Sux Donkey Dick
I love how the Washington Post put this on the front page. Here's what I think happened: This guy was following George around, and George was getting annoyed. Because S.R. Sidarth is, uh, ethnic looking, his staffers nicknamed him macaca, knowing it was racist. George picked up on this, and decided to use it himself. Because George was in front of a safe group of ignorant supporters, he knew he could use the term and get a reaction. "Welcome to America," what a dick.
He's so smug.
Living here in DC, we are bombarded with commercials with this guy. Another guy running for the senate (MD), Josh Rales, is also airing a ton of ads.
Josh Rales appears to be one of those men who spit a lot when they talk. You know, the guys who accumulate a lot of foam in the corner of their mouths.
Kinda gross, but I'd much rather have him in the senate than his repub opponent.
Posted by durban bud at 8:52 PM | Comments (5)
DC Guys Are Hot
DC gets a bad rap sometimes. I firmly believe though that we have some pretty hot looking guys. A lot of people complain about the attitude here, and maybe it does exist to some extent, but I think you're gonna find that anywhere. Everyone is a dick from time to time, except me, of course.
So it's time for another catty online poll. Please help me find where the best looking guys really live. This is so very important.
Oops, I forgot Canadian cities in my silly poll; I have a soft spot for them Canadians. I also forgot cities in Italy. Whatever, just hit "somewhere else" or write it in.
Posted by durban bud at 7:54 PM | Comments (12)
August 14, 2006
Förmiddag som I går till Folsom
A couple NYC friends descended upon our humble abode this past weekend. I was immediately greeted with this verbal dart, "If anything about this weekend appears on your blog, I will retain counsel." No worries, I will only use nicknames, so this individual will only be referred to as Mister Fister on this here blahg.
Mister Fister is NYC royalty, so he has wonderful stories of all the other NYC boys. I know so much now. He also introduced me to the term Jewbans, which is simply Jewish Cubans. Apparently they're a hot commodity these days, and highly in demand.
At one point during this beautiful weekend, I was surrounded by 3 gay men named Robert. It's the new gay name. So if you meet someone named Robert, he more than likely enjoys the penis. Just sayin'. By the way, I think we now need to retire the saying, "Just sayin'." I'm just sayin'!
One of the Roberts made an interesting point. He said that most waitresses at IHOP or Denney's or your local mom & pop diner appear to be battered housewives. It's sad, but kinda...true. They usually appear beaten down and timid, yet extremely attentive cuz, well, ya know. Is this an employment requirement? Hmmm.
Anyway, we will be heading to Fölsom next month. It will be my first time attending. We tried to go 5 years ago, but then 9/11 happened. If al-Quada does anything between now and then to disrupt these plans, I will beat them myself with my silver tone metal cock ring. Actually I don't have a cock ring; I find them far too constricting, and, as most of you know, I don't like to be held down by anything. I hope Cosmicblast still has an available bed. If not, I will need to mooch off someone. Just sayin'.
It should be a great time. A couple buds will be performing, and a few other friends will also be attending. I'm excited. I hope to meet many a porn star.
Maybe I'll see you there!
Posted by durban bud at 11:44 PM | Comments (6)
August 11, 2006
We Are The 80's
I just saw Loverboy perform on Regis & Kelly. Aging sucks. They sounded good, but the lead singer now looks like Violet Beauregarde from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory.
I saw them in concert back in the '80's. I remember pumping my fist to "Lovin' Every Minute Of It", and then someone threw a beer bottle at me, so I stopped.
I used to go to a ton of concerts in the '80's, mostly with my friends, Pam & Reenie.
I went to see Ratt with my sister and a couple other chicks. They insisted on standing near the front of the stage. I told them this was a bad idea cuz we'll get separated, and won't be able to really see the show with everyone standing in front of us. They insisted. We all got separated. Towards the end of the show, I saw my sister being hoisted over the crowd. She didn't look happy. Her Jordache jeans were ripped, her mascara was all over her face, and her nicely permed hair turned into some sort of afro. Told ya so.
My dad took me to see A Flock of Seagulls and Billy Idol. I wanted to look hot for the Billy Idol show, so my mom used her curling iron to give me that oh-so-cool feathered hair look. It was a nightmare. I must have been the youngest kid there, and the only one with a parent. My hair was ridiculed, and my dad became increasingly uncomfortable as Billy Idol masturbated onstage.
I saw the Bangles with Reenie. I asked her who was opening up for them. She said, "It's some group called TBA. I've never heard of them."
I saw Heart a number of times. I still love them. Pam used to crank and sing along to "All I Want To Do Is Make Love To You" in her car. I think she did this to let men know that she is available and kinda slutty.
I saw the Thompson Twins and OMD. That was my first exposure to a gay event. Before the show, I asked the hairdresser at Haircrafters to make me look like Corey Hart. I brought in a picture of him (which is the photo up there ^), and said, "Make me look like him." She ended up cutting my ear with her scissors. I let out a blood curdling scream. She laughed. I had to wear a band-aid on my ear to the show. I looked nothing like Corey Hart, but I did wear a bunch of O-rings. I am was such a fag. The drummer chick from the Thompson Twins gave me her drumstick. I still have it. By the way, Corey Hart was so hot.
The 80's. Good times.
Posted by durban bud at 10:26 AM | Comments (12)
August 9, 2006
Homo Cinema
Are there any good gay movies?
Yeah, yeah, there is Brokeback Mountain and Longtime Companion but they were both depressing. Excellent, but depressing. And Trick was cute. But, are those the only ones?
Tos told me to rent Gay Sex in the 70's. It was okay. Nothing spectacular. I felt kinda dirty after it, so I took a shower.
I love documentaries. I would like to make one about gay men who constantly stroke their coarse eyebrow hair as they age, but I don't think anyone would want to see it.
I've been to the gay film festivals, but the majority of the films are crap. Sorry, but it's true.
I want to see a thriller or something with gay main characters, like Single White Female or the Bourne Supremacy. In fact, it'd be cool to see Jimbo in a Bourne Supremacy type role, or maybe We, Like Sheep as the gay roommate with a moustache terrorizing poor Bridget Fonda in a Single White Female remake. I can see the tag line now, "Living with a neurotic gay roommate can be murder." I would totally see that.
Maybe someday.
Posted by durban bud at 7:03 PM | Comments (11)
August 6, 2006
Realizations
I, too, put on my period panties and lounged around this weekend. Here's the way it went down:
1. I watched CNN and realized...
People should vote for Ned Lamont instead of Joe Lieberman for one clear reason; can we all really endure six more years of...that voice? I know I can't.
2. I went to BigMuscleBears.com, hit refresh over and over and realized...
There are pictures of me on that site, yet I don't have a profile. What the hell? Looks like one of my friends has added them to his own profile unbeknownst to me. The nerve! I spat out my Diet Coke with Splenda when I saw myself. Luckily, he blackened out my face in one photo and only left my legs in another.
It's not that bad though; I feel more sorry for the unsuspecting women who are seen smiling with their best gay friend in one of his profile pics, right next to a close up of their best gay friend's hairy hole. Classy, very classy.
I also realized that a number of big muscle bears love their dogs, and for some odd reason, rollercoasters.
3. I watched ABC News and realized...
Dan Harris is adorkable. He looks like a very small man, so I'd like to put him in my pocket and take him out when I want to hear the latest headlines, or if I need to cuddle, or if I need some change.
4. I read the Washington Post and realized...
Gay people are moving out of Virginia and into DC. That's good to hear since my neighborhood has flooded the market with new condos. My condo is now worth twenty bucks.
5. I rented a porno with Jake Dakota and realized...
I need to send him a 'thank you' note. My parents always taught me to acknowledge someone's good deeds, not just the bad. So I did. I sent him a nice little note thanking him for his courageous performance in "Manhole" and how it truly touched me. He didn't write me back though. Whatever, he's going to Folsom, and so am I. So I will find him and thank him in person. Awwwww yeahhhhhh.....
6. World Trade Center?
Um, I don't think so.
Posted by durban bud at 10:25 PM | Comments (5)
August 3, 2006
Crispy
I don't know what everyone is complaining about; it's not that hot.
Here I am taking a leisurely walk over to Maggie Moo's for some cotton candy ice cream. The air is crisp. The sun is shining. And my skin is tingly.
Not that bad, nope.
Posted by durban bud at 7:15 PM | Comments (2)
The End Of The World
My sister thinks the end of the world is coming very soon. She reiterated this point to me last night on the phone. She's been saying this for the past 10 years. And I hear about it at least 3 times a year.
I keep telling her that times have been worse; we just never heard about it cuz there were no TV's or radio or Internet or cable channels hundreds of years ago constantly feeding us bad news; plus, we weren't alive then. She always says, "I just have a feeling about this, I can feel it." And then she adds, "I just want us all to be together in the afterlife." Huh? Why wouldn't we be? I know I'm a horny heathen from homo heights, but why can't I come? I love my sister, but sometimes I don't get her logic.
I always want to ask her what we'll do in the afterlife, cuz if we have to hold hands and sing "Crown Him the King of Kings" everyday, I think I'd rather take the elevator to the lower level, thank you very much.
I think the topic came up cuz we were talking about global warming. She said her mega-church near Colorado Springs has been preaching a lot about the end of times. I'm like, "Don't they preach about being a good person in the here and now." "Sometimes," she says. Ugh. She then started talking about the middle east and something about wars and seven years of destruction and that being a sign or prophecy as foretold in the bible of something or something. As she was giving me a litany of "signs", I became distracted by a werewolf/man on TV.
ABC News was doing a "special report" on medical oddities. Apparently, this guy has a condition in which he grows an abnormally large amount of hair all over his body. Here's the disturbing part, I wasn't repulsed by him. In fact, if I was at a bar at 2:00 AM and my choices were between, say Lance Bass and the Wolfman, I would totally bang the Wolfman. It would be a more unique experience, plus it would be fun to make him howl.
Anyway, my sister finally regained my attention when I heard her utter something about the anti-christ.
I'm like, "Huh?"
"I think the anti-christ is coming."
"It's already here. It's on Headline News. And its name is Nancy Grace."
"No, that's not it."
"Is it David Hasselhoff?"
"No, I'm serious."
"So am I. Have you heard him sing? Tubular Bells comes out of that guy."
"It's not him. We don't know who it is yet."
"Okay, well when you do know, could you please call me, sugar tits?"
"Huh?"
"Nevermind."
Good article: The Dinosaurs Roam the Earth
Posted by durban bud at 2:17 AM | Comments (5)
August 2, 2006
Jewel's Teeth
I could never be an escort. I don't know how those guys do it. I walked by a man yesterday who was taking out his trash. He had his shirt off, and I remember thinking, I totally could not have sex with that guy.
I need to be able to see the person well before I would engage in any kind of intimate contact, and a simple photo won't do. I did manage to seal the deal with some scurry guys back in my slut phase, but I was always piss drunk. Always. But if I were an escort, I couldn't be piss drunk, so how do they do it? I'd like to think I could, so I could make a few bucks on the side, but it's just not in my nature. I would dry heave uncontrollably, and that might be seen as a turn-off to some paying customers.
When I first moved to DC, I answered a personal ad (this was well before Manhunt or gay.com or BMB or bravotv.com). I chatted on the phone with this guy for a couple hours. He seemed pretty cool. He lived close by so I invited him over to hang out. He kept saying he was good looking, but "good looking" is relative, isn't it?
I opened the door to find a decent looking man, but not exactly my type. One of my many faults is my shallow tendency to focus on specific details in a person, and this is not always a good thing. As he entered my little studio apartment, he put on a big smile, and that's when my focusing skillz went into overdrive. He had teeth like Jewel. Exactly like Jewel, in fact. My earlier meal of spaghetti-o's quickly returned to my throat. A few spaghetti-o's made it into my mouth. I nervously smiled back at him, and forced the spaghetti-o's back into my belly.
I offered him a beer. He accepted, and as I walked to the fridge, I said to myself, "Who will say-eee-ave your soul if you won't save your own."
What do you do when you've invited someone over to your place and you find out you're not attracted to him? Ugh, I don't know. You make the best of it, I guess, but I certainly wasn't about to get all naked with this dude. I was hoping he felt the same about me.
I turned on the TV. That's a good way to avoid uncomfortable silence. We were sitting on the couch watching Saturday Night Live and eating cheesy poofs. The cheesy poofs were a bad idea cuz they got all stuck in his snaggleteef. I did my best to avoid staring at it. At one point, I think he became aware of my dilemma. He started speaking with a mumble, so as to avoid fully opening his mouth.
He put his arm around me. Ew. And then he climbed on top of me. Double ew. He was a big guy, very muscular. I couldn't breathe. I kept thinking, Oh my god, I'm gonna be featured on Forensic Files. He's going to kill me with his dagger toofs cuz I'm not attracted to him.
He kissed my neck and looked directly down on me. We were face to face. It got very quiet. He looked me in the eyes for what seemed like an eternity. Time was standing still. As I stared into his eyes, all I could think was, "My hands are small I know, but their my hands, not yours." I swallowed another gulp of spaghetti-o's. He seemed to read my mind, and raised up off of me. Relief. Maybe it was his intuition.
We chatted a little more, and he said he needed to get going. Great! Thanks for your order, please drive through. You weren't meant for me, and I wasn't meant for you.
I felt kinda bad after, but I shouldn't have. I never suggested we would hook up, but then again, I was pretty naive.
We all have our little quirks and turn-offs. I just think it's best to know exactly what you're in for before you decide to fool around with someone. Attraction is key. You can't force it.
I still don't know how escorts do it. How can you fake attraction?
Posted by durban bud at 8:08 AM | Comments (10)
August 1, 2006
Sugar Tits
I've added a new term to my vocabulary, courtesy of Mel Gibson.
During his infamous arrest, he allegedly said to a female officer:
"What do you think you're looking at, sugar tits?”
Who says that? What does it mean? I don't know, but with all the death and destruction in the world, we need to spread some sugar tits.
I invite all of you to find some way to use this term today. It will really make you feel better. I'll give you some examples of how it can be used to get you started:
"Thanks for holding the door for me, sugar tits."
"I'd like to refill my prescription for sugar tits."
"Tonight, for dinner, we're having meatloaf, spinach and a side of sugar tits."
"I'd like to request "Hoover Dam" by Sugar Tits."
"I'd be happy to stay late for work, sugar tits."
"You have a smokin' penis, sugar tits."
See? It's easy to do, and can be applied to men and women.
If you comment on someone's blog today, be sure to include some sugar tits.
Come on people, let's sugar tit the world, one sugar titty at a time!
Show us your sugar tits!
Posted by durban bud at 3:44 AM | Comments (19)