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August 02, 2006
Jewel's Teeth
I could never be an escort. I don't know how those guys do it. I walked by a man yesterday who was taking out his trash. He had his shirt off, and I remember thinking, I totally could not have sex with that guy.
I need to be able to see the person well before I would engage in any kind of intimate contact, and a simple photo won't do. I did manage to seal the deal with some scurry guys back in my slut phase, but I was always piss drunk. Always. But if I were an escort, I couldn't be piss drunk, so how do they do it? I'd like to think I could, so I could make a few bucks on the side, but it's just not in my nature. I would dry heave uncontrollably, and that might be seen as a turn-off to some paying customers.
When I first moved to DC, I answered a personal ad (this was well before Manhunt or gay.com or BMB or bravotv.com). I chatted on the phone with this guy for a couple hours. He seemed pretty cool. He lived close by so I invited him over to hang out. He kept saying he was good looking, but "good looking" is relative, isn't it?
I opened the door to find a decent looking man, but not exactly my type. One of my many faults is my shallow tendency to focus on specific details in a person, and this is not always a good thing. As he entered my little studio apartment, he put on a big smile, and that's when my focusing skillz went into overdrive. He had teeth like Jewel. Exactly like Jewel, in fact. My earlier meal of spaghetti-o's quickly returned to my throat. A few spaghetti-o's made it into my mouth. I nervously smiled back at him, and forced the spaghetti-o's back into my belly.
I offered him a beer. He accepted, and as I walked to the fridge, I said to myself, "Who will say-eee-ave your soul if you won't save your own."
What do you do when you've invited someone over to your place and you find out you're not attracted to him? Ugh, I don't know. You make the best of it, I guess, but I certainly wasn't about to get all naked with this dude. I was hoping he felt the same about me.
I turned on the TV. That's a good way to avoid uncomfortable silence. We were sitting on the couch watching Saturday Night Live and eating cheesy poofs. The cheesy poofs were a bad idea cuz they got all stuck in his snaggleteef. I did my best to avoid staring at it. At one point, I think he became aware of my dilemma. He started speaking with a mumble, so as to avoid fully opening his mouth.
He put his arm around me. Ew. And then he climbed on top of me. Double ew. He was a big guy, very muscular. I couldn't breathe. I kept thinking, Oh my god, I'm gonna be featured on Forensic Files. He's going to kill me with his dagger toofs cuz I'm not attracted to him.
He kissed my neck and looked directly down on me. We were face to face. It got very quiet. He looked me in the eyes for what seemed like an eternity. Time was standing still. As I stared into his eyes, all I could think was, "My hands are small I know, but their my hands, not yours." I swallowed another gulp of spaghetti-o's. He seemed to read my mind, and raised up off of me. Relief. Maybe it was his intuition.
We chatted a little more, and he said he needed to get going. Great! Thanks for your order, please drive through. You weren't meant for me, and I wasn't meant for you.
I felt kinda bad after, but I shouldn't have. I never suggested we would hook up, but then again, I was pretty naive.
We all have our little quirks and turn-offs. I just think it's best to know exactly what you're in for before you decide to fool around with someone. Attraction is key. You can't force it.
I still don't know how escorts do it. How can you fake attraction?
Posted by durban bud at August 2, 2006 08:08 AM
Comments
Beauty is just a light switch away.
Posted by: anger hangover at August 2, 2006 09:54 AM
I have the same issue, which is why I've sworn off gay.com/manhunt/etc. All too often the guy doesn't look much like his picture. And even when they do look like their picture, the personality/aura/whatever will just put me off. I'm a firm believer that hooking up should be done the traditional way: drunk, while in a bar, shortly before last call.
Posted by: Dan at August 2, 2006 10:32 AM
I have had great luck from online communities, but only after making sure I see multiple poses from different angles, have a phone conversation, then meet for coffee or a beer.
But that never shows things like cigarette breath, which I just can't get over. I recently passed up a really nice, smart, handsome guy because he had this horrid menthol breath after having lit up before a date. I don't know what to say to him about that, but hopefully I won't have to.
Posted by: jimbo at August 2, 2006 02:13 PM
I just can't do it... In my single days I actually did just bite the bullet and say I wasn't attracted from the beginning, sorry for the trouble etc and then either leave or send him home. It did make me feel horribly mean, guilty and shallow but I can't fake attraction... for example:
I did meet someone online once and he was waaaaaay different than from his profile online. Since I felt bad and chicken to say 'no thanks' and head home, I muddled through fooling around (while avoiding kissing and anything else too intimate. Of course it came time for the pants to come off and my bod was NOT playing along with my guilty conscience - thank god! Since my other "head" wasn't in the game, I mumbled something about not feeling well and then took off!
Sometimes I feel bad b/c it must feel like crap to have someone bolt but that is why I went with the rip the bandaid off early approach. You just can't fake it so spare the other person some pain by being honest...
I could never be an escort! :-)
Posted by: TOS at August 2, 2006 03:05 PM
I so needed to read this stuff today. I have recently discovered that I too need more than a moment's notice to get excited about a guy. Glad I'm not the only one that feels like that.
JimmyBear from Oviedo, FL
Posted by: JimmyBear at August 2, 2006 03:27 PM
Some people can switch it off and on - I don't understand either.
Posted by: matt at August 2, 2006 03:31 PM
Sometimes you see on an internet profile 10 pics of a guy and you have the feeling you look at 10 completely different persons on each of them. This is weird.
I don't think that the pics on MY profile show each time a different person, but I have met guys in the past that told me so.
This is weird too.
Or guys that told me I was much better "live" than on the pics. Or that my pics were much better that me "live".
Don't you think it is a matter of personal, objectiv way of looking at things? Just like "beauty is the eyes of the beholder" or something ...
Posted by: Carlo at August 3, 2006 01:46 AM
How superficial are you?
Because of the way he looked? Because of his teeth?
So you think it was awesome to just make him feel bad about the way he looked, just because he was not your type?
Oh,please.
Get a life or a mirror. You're not perfect. Nobody is. That's what make people beautiful. Not saying you have to hook up with every ugly guy you found, that depends, too. You cannot fake atraction, like you said. But just don't go chasing beautiful guys, 'cause you'll find ugly souls in them.Believe me, I have experience at this part of life.
Posted by: Bruna at June 16, 2007 01:41 PM