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October 31, 2006
Cookie Monster
Are you scurred?
I bought some Pilsbury "Ghost" Sugar Cookies and decided to watch "Saw" with On Demand, ya know, to get into the Halloween spirit.
So I ate the entire box of sugar cookies, raw. I watched Wanda Sykes in concert and the Daily Show and Stephen Colbert and Letterman. I never watched Saw. I ended up laughing my ass off while my stomach was burning. My futile attempt at getting in the spirit failed.
Borat was on Letterman. He is so fucking funny. I can't wait to see the movie. Supposedly, his next movie is going to be Bruno, who is my favorite character from Da Ali G Show. Sacha Baron Cohen is a genius.
So there you go. I'm not scared, but I'm sure I will be next Tuesday.
Speaking of, don't forget to cast your vote below. It's your patriotic duty. I'm shocked at how few power bottoms visit this site! C'mon PBs, step up!
Posted by durban bud at 09:33 AM | Comments (3)
October 30, 2006
Power Bottom Appreciation Day!
Some people refer to the day before Halloween as Halloween Eve, but it also happens to be Power Bottom Appreciation Day! I had no idea.
It's the one day of the year that we recognize those power bottoms who continue to astonish us with their mad skillz. This is not to be confused with Bubble Butt Bonanza Day, which occurs on the last Friday of April.
In case you've been living under a rock, a power bottom is a man who enthusiastically takes it up the butt. He enjoys it, never winces, is an aggressive participant, and usually begs for more. They are a treasure and must be showered with admiration. Take the poll at the bottom (har, har) to let us know what you enjoy the most.
PBs set themselves apart from lazy bottoms (yawn), dirty bottoms (ew), and tops masquerading as bottoms (stop, it hurts).
We're supposed to treat PBs with the utmost respect on this day. Flowers, meals and easily digestible chocolates are in store for them.
Do you have a special power bottom in your life, perhaps a friend or a lover or a co-worker or a parent? Be sure to wish him a "Happy Power Bottom Appreciation Day!" and tell them how impressed you are by who they are. They deserve it! Pamper them!
Unfortunately, 1-800-Flowers doesn't seem to have this special day listed among their holiday bouquet offerings; so I believe this would fall under the "thank you" category. I'm including the link for easy access (har har), so here you go: Happy Power Bottom Appreciation Day!
Ironically, today is also National Candy Corn Day.
And don't forget: Friday is Take Your Top to Work Day!!! It's a wonderful week to celebrate all the amazing men in our lives!
So it seems apropos to have this month's catty online poll cover this intriguing topic:
Posted by durban bud at 12:11 AM | Comments (13)
October 27, 2006
Pan's Labyrinth
It's time for some upcoming movie education.
This movie preview is for one of those dramas with some horror and a whole lot of fantasy with special effects added. They're selling it as "a fairy tale for adults." It better be; I really need one of those. Hopefully, I will understand it. It doesn't come out until the very end of December, but I'm here to spread the buzz and help educate you people. It looks really good!
The voice-over is cheesy, but watch it for the visuals:
I may attempt to see a movie this weekend. Maybe Shortbus, or The Kuh Ween, or Running With Scissors (although I'm concerned it will ruin the book for me).
I'll also be seeing this documentary when it hits DC in a couple weeks:
And I need to rent some good scary movies this weekend, to get into the holiday spirit, while ignoring the kids ringing my doorbell.
dBud's favorite scurry films:
Halloween
Alien
Aliens
Burnt Offerings (bad movie but really creepy)
When a Stranger Calls (the first 20 minutes of the original)
Phantasm (silly but creepy)
I haven't seen a good scary film in a long, long time. Let me know if any decent ones have been made in the past 20 years, cuz I sure haven't found any.
Posted by durban bud at 06:55 PM | Comments (10)
October 25, 2006
The Mayor and the Manhunt Troll
Here I am with the next mayor of Washington, DC, Adrian Fenty. Okay, technically I'm more of a werewolf, but I think I can pass as a Manhunt troll or Senator Larry Craig; it's all relative, innit?
I look so scurry.
This is Ms. Charlene Hilton. Jimbo played Charlene to the hilt(on)!
My feet look fierce.
The High Heel Race was jam-packed this year, thanks to the decent weather. I think I was one of the very few dressed in something other than drag. It was fun to scare the bejesus out of all the straight girls. Good times!
Posted by durban bud at 08:06 AM | Comments (11)
October 24, 2006
Jesus Don't Want Me For a Sunbeam
My experience with costume stores has been abysmal. I just got back from Costumes Creative to find a replacement for the troll costume I tried to order online. I called ahead of time to see if they had a troll; they did, cool.
I get there and ask:
"Do you have a troll costume?"
"A troll?"
"Yeah, a troll. Ya know, like Senator Larry Craig?"
"Huh?"
"I called and was told you have a troll in stock."
"We don't have any trolls."
"Yes, you do. I'm looking at him."
"Huh?"
"Nevermind."
This guy was the worst customer sales representative I have experienced in a long time.
So I looked around for something, and made a couple purchases. The unhelpful troll rang me up. Not even a thank you.
I'm either gonna be Jesus or a Werewolf. I still have a couple hours to decide. If I'm gonna be Jesus, I need to borrow a crown of thorns and some pink panties.
Posted by durban bud at 04:51 PM | Comments (5)
Scare Tactics
I can't wait for the election to be over; the commercials are becoming annoying and laughable.
George Allen and Jim Webb are airing ads back to back, literally. It goes something like this:
Allen's ad: "Jim Webb will raise your taxes."
Webb's ad: "Jim Webb will not raise your taxes. George Allen is a liar and calls people macaca."
The Democrats must be spending a shitload, cuz I've noticed far more ads trashing Allen. I'm glad they've finally grown some balls and are hitting back just as hard.
My favorite anti-Allen ad is the one where they say, "Now that Allen's dark past has been exposed, he wants the race to be decided on the issues," and then ends with the video of Allen saying "Macaca" with an echo, so he says, "Macacacacacacaca."
The repubs must be worried cuz their ads are now using their usual scare tactics, and they're getting even sleazier. The latest has a female voice saying, "Jim Webb called the Naval Academy, 'A horny woman's dream.'" Just to hear the word "horny" in a political ad is priceless. That same ad ends with, "Jim Webb, right for '06? Yeah, 1806." Again, priceless.
It would make me all warm and fuzzy inside if Allen loses; he's such a smug homophobe with a bad hairpiece. I fear he'll still win though, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed.
Speaking of bad hairpieces, I hope Bob Ehrlich loses too. He's running for reelection over Martin O'Malley for Maryland governor. Ehrlich's scare tactics are saying, "O'Malley will turn the entire state into the mess that is Baltimore." O'Malley is Baltimore's mayor. I can't imagine anyone from Baltimore voting for Ehrlich now after these ads. The ads make Baltimore look like Iraq with more drug use.
Watching the election coverage the last decade has been very difficult. It would be nice, just once, to end the evening feeling all giddy for a change. And if I get giddy, I will streak down 17th Street singing Marilyn Manson's "The Beautiful People." Scary, indeed.
Posted by durban bud at 12:00 PM | Comments (9)
October 22, 2006
Manhunt Troll
I got my hair did by an angertwink today. I've given up on going to fancy-schmancy places to get a haircut. Usually I'm just getting what little is left buzzed, so why pay $30 when I can get it done for half. So I went to the Hair Cuttery.
I always give a fake name, cuz it's always fun to watch people's expressions when they page me. Today I was Robocop. Since the place is usually filled with old women, most of them don't get the joke; but I do, and if I can make myself smile on the inside then I'm all kinds of happy on the outside. Only they fucked it up. I hear "Rob" over the speaker. A bunch of us are looking around at each other. Another "Rob". No response. "Is there a Rob Ocop here?" Ugh. "Oh, I guess that's me. Sorry."
A light-skinned, black angertwink motions for me to follow him. He looks to be all of twenty years-old and weighs about 100 pounds, yet is taller than me. He is not smiling. He is wearing lip gloss.
"Your name's not Robocop, is it?" "No, don't be silly." "So what's your real name?" I hear "Too Shy" playing in the background. "It's...uh...Limahl." "Limahl?" "Yep." "That's a cute name." "Thank you." Angertwink smiles, barely.
As I'm getting my hair did, a few other customers are debating the merits of Flavor of Love 2.
"I heard Delishis on the radio, and she sez she's single now. Who in da hail would go on a show to meet sum body?"
"Flav look like a troll. Would you wanna marry dat troll? Hail no!"
"You couldn't pay me enough money to be on dat show. Why would you want to emberse yourself like dat. Hail no!"
So this conversation got me thinkin' about my Halloween costume.
Looks like the majority of you suggested the Count Chocula costume. I looked at the costume details more closely and decided against it. I think I would look less like Count Chocula, and more like Scatman. Plus, I really would like to cover up my face.
Mr. Potato Head was my next choice, but after reading how it would be shipped, I vetoed it. I would look less like a potato, and more like a prune.
So I looked around at other costumes and found one I really like, a troll. I placed an order for my troll costume. I will be adding my own personal touch, of course.
I will be going as a Manhunt or gay.com troll. Think Larry Craig cruising online. Stay tuned.
Update: I just found out my order is sold out, so I don't know what I'ma gonna be now.
Posted by durban bud at 11:07 PM | Comments (9)
October 20, 2006
Halloweener
So I think I might be Mr. Potato Head for Halloween.
Every year I say I'm gonna dress up, but never do; yet I still end up scaring the kids, for some reason.
I've picked out 8 costumes that I like. I'd like to wear one of these during the High Heel Race this Tuesday, while boys like Jimbo are getting all dolled up in drag. Sorry, but I would make a hideous woman.
I realize these costumes are not very original, but the mere fact that I am dressing up should be enough. Plus, I've never been all that original anyway.
The following images are the costumes. They are Beetlejuice, Cat in the Hat, Count Chocula, the Headless Horseman, a box of tissues that says "Blow Me", a shark eating someone, Mr. Potato Head and a gorilla.
I need to get my costume NOW, so please help me pick something!
Posted by durban bud at 03:23 PM | Comments (12)
October 19, 2006
Clerk of the House
We spoke with this guy during Folsom weekend last month. He just testified for more than four hours before the House Ethics Committee in the Mark Foley matter. He was the House Clerk from 1999-2005.
We were working out at the big gay Gold's Gym in San Fran when Rob recognized him. He didn't look familiar to me; I'm pretty clueless with faces. Rob said he works out at our gym here in DC, and that I've met him before. Since 80% of people at our gym work in the government, it means nothing to me.
We struck up a conversation with him and his partner, who is HOT by the way (at least, I assume it was his partner). I didn't chat for long as I was too busy scoping out the place for porn stars. For the record, I noticed three.
Once the whole scandal broke, we knew he would have to testify.
He was an out republican during his years in government. I'm starting to believe there are more gay repubs than any other party.
And the majority of those in government are raunchy motherfuckers, apparently. It makes sense since Manhunt is more popular than Google here in DC.
It is now apparent that I can never work in the government. My ass would get dragged up on Capitol Hill regularly to testify. I know too many things. ;-)
Posted by durban bud at 05:01 PM | Comments (16)
The Meaning of Cocktail
I recently commented to a fellow blogger's post. He wrote a goodbye letter to a cocktail. He basically said, "Today is the last cocktail I will have. Tomorrow I am starting over without you."
So I told him that alcohol is evil and listed all the perks to not drinking; no hangovers, save money, no unnecessary calories, feel healthier, blah, blah.
He wrote me back and said, "Thanks for commenting, but the cocktail I was referring to was in relation to my HIV meds. I thought the line about AZT would make that clear."
Um, oh. Drink away!
I am not that bright. Obviously.
Posted by durban bud at 10:13 AM | Comments (4)
October 18, 2006
Michael's Thing
This NYC bar rag was recently found in Rob's deceased great uncle's belongings. It's from 1975. I guess it's similar to Metro Weekly here in DC or HX in NYC, only it cost 75 cents.
That cover shot is so sex-ay, and proves that gayface existed back then as well.
I have the utmost respect for people who were out in the 70's and even the 80's; and people out before the 70's deserve to have their own star on the Stonewall Walk of Fame.
Living in my own contemporary secluded gay world, it's hard to imagine what life was like during that time. Judging from the documentaries and movies I've seen, it still was a good time; but the homophobia must have been even more difficult to deal with than it is now-a-days.
My first gay experience happened in 1991. I put a personal ad in one of these types of bar rags in Rochester, NY. I remember that day specifically cuz Terminator 2 was just opening, and I was all excited about it.
I made a date with some guy who answered my ad. I was not out so I was extremely nervous. I agreed to meet him in the parking lot of a McDonald's. That should have been a foreshadowing of what was to come.
I drove into the lot to find a really skinny guy who resembled Alan Jackson, complete with a mullet. I was mortified. He certainly was no Happy Meal. Ba-da-boom.
I was such a scared little closet case; I wouldn't get out of the car. I noticed he had an earring! This was certain to identify him as gay, and me by association. I told him to get in my car, and we would decide what to do as we drove around. I knew I would not be seen in public with this guy, for fear of being discovered.
We drove and drove and drove. Poor guy. He suggested a number of places to go, but I wouldn't budge.
Despite not being attracted to him, I wanted to experience being with another guy. I drove to a secluded golf course parking lot. We talked for a long time, and got along very well.
It was getting dark, so I had to make my move. I drove down an even more secluded dirt road by the golf course, way, way back near the woods. That's where we messed around. For the record, the experience was very vanilla; there were no butts involved.
As we finished the deal, I noticed some flashing lights in the rear view mirror. Oh. My. God! Here we are in the middle of nowhere, and a fucking cop car is pulling up behind us. This does not look good.
The cop shines the light in the car, obviously looking for drugs. "What's going on here?" "Um, we're just talking." "Well, you're not supposed to be back here. Find somewhere else to talk." "Yes, sir. Sorry." Ugh. I was shaking.
The cop left, and we followed him. I drove fast, and dumped Alan Jackson off at the McDonald's.
Being in the closet sucks, and luckily I came out not too much longer after this incident, and graduated from dirty sex in cars.
Anyway, this bar rag got me thinking about all that. It's definitely a collector's item. The ads are priceless. Check out the price for this meal in 1975:
Posted by durban bud at 08:48 AM | Comments (11)
October 17, 2006
Senator Hypocrite
Joe has alerted us that an anti-gay republican US Senator will be outed later today by BlogActive's Mike Rogers.
UPDATE: It's Senator Larry Craig (R-ID). Ew. I think I just lost my lunch.
Posted by durban bud at 12:39 PM | Comments (5)
October 16, 2006
Urine Town
Yesterday I went to the convenience store down the street. A man approached me inside and asked for "45 cent." He reeked of alcohol. I pretended to study the Ben & Jerry's flavors inside the fridge. He eventually walked away.
The Korean Lady saw me and yelled, "We have Diet Coke with Splenda! In can fo' you." I yelled back, "No, thanks."
I left the store and noticed the same man pissing on an orange construction cone in the middle of the sidewalk. It was in the afternoon and was bright and sunny out. How lovely. I had to walk by this beautiful puddle.
This morning, I took the trash out. As I walked down the alley, a pleasant man said hello to me. I said hello, dumped the trash in the dumpster, and started walking back up the alley. That's when I saw it. His plump penis was in his hand, as he was urinating on the side of our building. At first, I was stunned by the girth of his member; then I was disgusted at what he was doing. He didn't stop either. He drained the lizard dry. Ugh. As I've mentioned before, I don't need to see another penis for a long time.
My viewing of public urination quota is one a week. My quota has been exceeded in just 2 days.
I think I need to move to another less-pissy city. Does such a city exist?
Posted by durban bud at 11:11 AM | Comments (9)
October 14, 2006
Seasonal Affective Disorder
My therapist thinks I have a disorder. Another one! Great.
I've been seeing an Attention Deficit Disorder specialist. My ADD has been in overdrive the past few months. I've been diagnosed 3 times with this affliction by various doctors. I've never really tried to combat this without the use of drugs, so I thought it was about time to take it seriously and develop some behavioral modification tools instead.
The problem is everytime I see this specialist, my mind starts to wander. As her mouth is flapping away, I start studying the artwork on the wall or admiring the tidiness of her desk. How does she do that?!? I glance back at her and notice her mouth is still moving, but I have no idea what she is saying. It doesn't help that she's Argentinian, and her words sometimes make no sense to me.
Focus, I tell myself.
She ran a number of tests on me and said my results were "through the roof." Great. So what do we do about it? I told her I didn't want to take medication for it, cuz, ya know, I'll end up snorting the shit. She said, "Well, if you cut your knee, you need to put a band-aid on it before it will heal; the same thing applies to this situation." I didn't have the heart to tell her that I would probably let my knee bleed until it stopped.
She asked how I had been feeling lately. I told her I felt fine, but was having some trouble sleeping.
"Are you depressed?"
"Um, I don't think so."
"Are you often tired?"
"Not really, but I do feel really lethargic around 4:00 in the afternoon."
"Well, that makes sense because it now gets dark earlier. Plus, it is getting colder. How is your mood during the winter months?"
"I'm not a big fan of winter. I tend to hibernate. I think it's part of my bear-like nature."
"What?"
"Nevermind."
"I think you may have Seasonal Affective Disorder."
"Huh?"
"It's a serious disorder that causes lethargy and depression during this time. There is now treatment for this."
"But I'm not depressed; I just have sleeping issues. What is the treatment?"
"There is a medication that has recently been approved. It is an anti-convulsant and regularly prescribed for people with bi-polar disorder."
"But I'm not bi-polar." OMG, am I?
"I know, but there are other benefits to this drug. It mellows you out."
"I don't need to be any more mellowed out. I'm 'through the roof' on that one too. Some people already think I'm post-mortem."
"Well, I think you should think about it."
"Okie-doke," I lied.
I didn't need to hear this. I need to focus on one disorder at a time.
She started blathering on about other things, but I wasn't really listening.
I think this whole ADD thing might have something to do with my disinterest in science fiction/fantasy films. All the gays seem to love this stuff, which I think, comes from identifying oneself as an alien in the world. But I have never been a fan, except for the Sigourney Weaver/Alien films.
Too many things are happening in those films; I can't keep up. Star Trek bores me to tears. Battlestar Gallactica seems interesting, but I can't watch it for more than five minutes. The Lord of the Rings movies were really cool, but I couldn't tell you what they were all about.
The only thing I could tell you about the last one in that trilogy was that it was one of the gayest movies I've ever seen. Frodo and that chubby guy were totally in love; I couldn't focus on anything else. Gay, gay, gay!
Anyway, on top of all that, I think I may be getting sick; karma, I suppose, for my barrage of ornery posts this week.
I guess I will take a nap. With the aid of some medication, of course.
Posted by durban bud at 11:06 AM | Comments (12)
October 13, 2006
Things To Be Happy About
* Topping a "top"
* Bypassing Ohio on a road trip
* Removing a pesky santorum stain
* A Teri Hatcher memoir
* A perfectly ripe colostomy bag
It is a joyous day here in the heart of the Nation's "Capital". There are "pigeons" everywhere. Oh my!
I just ate a bowl of Cracklin' Oat Bran with 1% lowfat milkfat milk. I ate it with a "spoon".
Well, that's our blog for today.
Have a great day...enjoy life...have fun and most of all love your mate. Be 65% honest, be 22% faithful and be 78% loving.
Some other shiny, happy cubs, bears, otters and twinks!
Posted by durban bud at 12:35 AM | Comments (8)
October 12, 2006
The Boxers
My life is a sitcom and I am Andy Dick.
I was running late to a meeting, so I hurried to get ready. I took a quick shower and started to get dressed. I dug through my boxer drawer to find a pair to wear. Apparently, I have been lacking in my laundry duties, as I couldn't find any. I dug deeper and found an older pair I rarely wear. I put them on, got dressed and ran out the door.
After walking two blocks, I felt something odd. My already baggy pants were falling down a bit; so I pulled them up, but I could still feel a cool draft on my upper ass. Um, WTF? Uh-oh. My boxers are starting to fall off. I reached in my pants and pulled them up. Well, that lasted for about a block. The elastic band was no longer elastic. At all. My man panties or "manties" were falling further and further down south the more I walked.
This wouldn't really be a problem if it wasn't so obvious from the outside. With the boxers completely fallen off my ass and having nowhere else to go, they bunched up in my crotch. Again, not a big deal; however, it wasn't just my crotch that contained a nice bulge. It was my ass too.
The street was filled with people, so the idea of reaching in my pants to pull them back up was off the table. Instead, I continued walking with what appeared to be an erection and a cottage cheese ass. Whatever. I finally reached my destination.
Since I was already running late, I bypassed a bathroom to remove my manties and went directly to the elevator. Taking my pants off was not an option at this point. There was no one else in the elevator so I reached in and attempted to rip them off. I made some progress, but the elastic band was posing a problem. I continued yanking the band, trying to get it to rip some, and hoping there was no security camera in the elevator.
I reached my floor and the elevator door opened. I quickly tucked my torn boxers back in my pants. Again, cottage cheese city. Luckily, no one was around. I put my foot by the door so it wouldn't close and take me to another floor. I reached back in and continued pulling the elastic band. It wouldn't budge. I was able to tear off the rest of the manties. I threw them on the floor so I could use both hands to continue ripping the band. It was quiet. No one around.
I gave up with the whole ripping thing. Since the elastic band was now completely stretched out, I decided to pull it up over my head. It might have made more sense to push it down over my pants, but I'm not always that bright, especially when I'm running late.
As I pulled the band up over my face, I looked up and noticed an African-American woman standing at the elevator door. I froze with the band now on my forehead. She gave me a look of horror. I smiled and said, "My boxers were falling off, so I decided to rip them off." Huh? That made no sense. She said, "Would you like me to leave you alone?" "Um, no. This looks bad, doesn't it?" "Well, let's just say it looks unusual." She smiled. I really had no way to explain this away. I pulled the band off my face, grabbed the torn boxers on the floor, smiled at her and exited the elevator.
I am never going back there.
Posted by durban bud at 12:05 PM | Comments (11)
October 11, 2006
Wednesday Reflections
I really have no words for this, but hopefully you will find much to be inspired about. I'm here to help you find joy in your life.
And remember, making fun of retarded people is a big no-no, but making fun of Sandi Patty is God's will. Hey Sandi, gluttony is a sin!
Posted by durban bud at 01:16 PM | Comments (6)
October 10, 2006
Oprah Has Killed My Libido
On yesterday's show she was talking about shit, farts, germs, periods, piss and sweat again with Dr. Oz. It was riveting television! They discussed everything except queefing and fisting, which I'm sure we will learn about on the next installment.
Here are some highlights:
For those of you that love to eat steak:
"A steak dinner can take you two, maybe three days to get out of your intestine. What that means is the way you digest it is basically to rot it in your intestines."
So avoid taking your date to a Ponderosa.
Chomping gum makes you fart:
"Twenty percent of the gas comes from the air you take in your mouth," he says. "That comes because you're eating too quickly, you're drinking carbonated beverages, you're chewing gum, you're smoking cigarettes, you're sucking air into your body that gets into your intestines."
Gum chomping is one of my biggest pet peeves, and I have discussed its consequences before. Learn from me, people. Learn!
Farts kill bears!
"Think of your body as a refrigerator, Dr. Oz says. If you let food sit in there, it's going to smell after a while. In your body, sulfur-rich foods like eggs, meat, beer, beans and cauliflower are decomposed by bacteria to release hydrogen sulfide—a smell strong enough to flatten a bear."
Please remember this before you step foot into Blowoff, Titan or the Eagle. Farts kill bears, so eat appropriately beforehand. And no beer! Beer + Anal = Combustible Santorum.
Do you like the smell of sweaty guys? Think about this:
"First of all, sweat by itself doesn't smell," Dr. Oz says. "What does smell is when the sweat gets bacteria in it. Some people's sweat have chemicals that are particularly attractive to bacteria. Sweat itself comes out normal in its shape and its smell but the bacteria love it, so they just grow and grow and grow and multiply..."
"A particularly strong smell signals one of two things: diet and bacteria. This smelly sweat may contain some sugar, but sometimes sweat actually inhibits bacteria growth and sometimes it encourages it. Those with particularly smelly sweat "may actually have bacteria already colonized on your body."
Next time you're cruising that hot bear with the ripe man-scent, remember that his body is being ravaged by bacteria. HOT!
The Ann Coulter Fungus:
"Scientists found B. strep, usually found in vaginal secretions, on a movie theater seat. They say it was probably from a woman wearing a short skirt."
I'm sure it was from Ann Coulter. Speaking of, buy this new book.
Periods?
Sorry, I tuned that part out; although I did hear you shouldn't leave your tampon in for longer than 7 hours. Did you hear that Matt? Told ya so.
What about spit?
"The most dangerous thing we get exposed to is spit," he says. "That's how the flu gets transmitted. It's the way that we're most commonly able to hurt each other. In fact, the human bite is the most dangerous of all animal bites because that's where we actually can hurt each other the most."
OMG!
Hot tubs?
"Catching something in a hot tub is "more possible…because often the hot tubs aren't kept clean," Dr. Oz says. "People have bodily secretions that they're sweating or leaving in the hot tub and you're hopping right into it. That's a place that I don't like to hang out too much."
I love hot tubs!
Piss?
He said piss is sterile and even used by soldiers to clean their wounds. So I guess watersports are okay.
If all of this is true, I'm sure I caught something during my adventure at Folsom, especially at the Magnitude party. My stomach is now burning and my taint itches.
So next time you are contemplating that one-night stand, wrap yourself in saran-wrap and avoid beer. But drink all the piss you want.
-----------------------------------
To read these full excerpts and learn more about poop (i.e. it should be s-shaped when you excrete it; and it's brown cuz of bile in the stomach), go here.
Posted by durban bud at 03:38 AM | Comments (7)
October 09, 2006
Music Suggestions
TJ needs some new music. I like rock and electronic.
Suggestions, please? If I download the song or album, I will give you an electronic bear-hug.
Oh, and yesterday was my good friend, Reenie's, birthday. I went to her junior prom and senior ball. She went to my junior prom. I would post a picture from that event, but I was sporting a fierce mullet, and nobody needs to see that. Happy B-day, Reenie! I am giving you an electronic bear-hug. Feel the warmth.
Posted by durban bud at 12:07 PM | Comments (16)
October 05, 2006
Robin McGraw Sux Donkey Dick
I don't mean to be rude, but this woman sux the teat of a billy goat. Don't get me wrong; she seems like a lovely woman to share a poo poo platter with at a P.F. Chang's in Houston, but I would never take her advice on life issues. She really needs to go back to her seat in her husband's audience and apply more makeup or something.
Naturally since she is Dr. Phil's wife, she has released a book. It's called "Inside My Heart: Choosing to Live with Passion and Purpose." What exactly are her credentials? Well, her famous husband bangs her. Buy your copy now!
Since I have a morbid sense of humor, I sometimes find enjoyment in the most unusual places. I like to read or watch shows of people that seem to live in a completely different reality, like the 700 Club, the Washington Times, NWG, the crazy Westboro clan's website or the Dr. Phil Show. I invite you all to read or watch that shit. Hysterical!
Dr. Phil devoted an entire episode to his wife's book. He said that she has become "America's Girlfriend" and that "Everyone loves her." Really? I did not get that memo.
Her childhood was very average, and she hasn't had any obstacles to overcome in her life. And now she's a speaker at the big "Women of Faith" conferences around the country.
Here is what her book says:
"My goal is to help you see your life as I see mine: a vast array of choices that can bring you closer to the person you long to be. Your life is waiting for you to claim it. It's all in the choosing."
You married a guy who became rich thanks to Oprah, honey -- so now you obviously can make plenty of choices in your life, like where to buy more eyeliner. Did you mention that in your book? You also sit in the audience during all your husband's shows. That's not really inspirational; it's kinda sad. Get out and do something!
Sorry, but I'm just not a big fan of know-it-alls, and her whole family is now full of them. If she can write an inspirational book, then so can I! Wouldn't that be interesting?
I really think that Dr. Phil is prepping her so she can have her own show, and this is the first step. This must not happen.
Like I said, sharing a poo poo platter: good; selling a book you have no business writing to make more money for your husband's little empire: bad.
Posted by durban bud at 11:27 PM | Comments (14)
October 04, 2006
Durban Dish
What exactly do you want to talk about?
Posted by durban bud at 03:01 PM | Comments (13)
October 03, 2006
Gluttony is a Sin
Imagine waking up next to this hot piece of ass. Now picture him on top of you, making sweet love to you, while whispering sweet nothings in your ear.
This is proof-positive why I could never be an escort. I would fail miserably cuz, you know, this is the guy who would make an appointment with me.
He's repulsive. I think congressmen should be required to be in, at least, moderately decent shape, especially if you're the speaker of the house. They represent the people, and people need to be healthier in America. Countdown to heart disease. Tick. Tock.
Power and penises do not mix. Common sense is trumped when a man has sex on his mind. From Foley to Clinton to Gingrich to McGreevey, it is now apparent that women need to be in control of the government. I seriously doubt you would find Congresswoman Louise Slaughter IM'ing with a young page or getting her cooter cleaned out by an intern. Katherine Harris, of course, would be the exception.
We need to follow the lead of Chile, and get a healthy dose of estrogen flowing in American politics. Seriously.
Posted by durban bud at 01:02 PM | Comments (11)
October 02, 2006
Thruples Are The New Black
We met a nice guy on the plane coming back from San Fran. We chit-chatted with him as we were waiting for our rides to pick us up from the airport. He told us his partner was coming to pick him up. Our ride showed up; we said goodbye and left.
The other evening we attended a lovely party hosted by a couple we have become good friends with. There were several cute mandies in attendance. As we were mingling with some of them, the guy we met at the airport enters with two other guys. We say:
"Hey, how are you? Good to see you again."
"Hi. This is my partner."
"Hi, nice to meet you."
"And this is my other partner."
"Oh hi, nice to meet you too."
I had never met a thruple before, at least, in person. My brief knowledge of thruples usually involved the dissolution of friendships, bitterness, rage, and in one case profiled on Forensic Files, murder. So naturally I asked:
"How long have you all been together?"
"Five years."
Wow, that's like 15 in gay years, and 30 since three are involved.
Color me fascinated. I need to read up on this shit. I wanted to ask several questions, but didn't think that would be quite appropriate. Yet.
Full disclosure: I was almost involved in thrupledom, although no labels were ever attached to it. My pathetic experience resulted in me having a breakdown and entering rehab.
How ever do they do it...successfully?
I could never do it; I require too much attention. Why do you think I have a blog? I need more than one person to hear me out. Actually, that sounds like I do need to have more than one mate, but, you get my point.
Sexual threesomes or foursomes are difficult enough, but at least you have the luxury of sending the individual(s) on their way when all is said and done. And I have very limited experience in this area as well, cuz again, I require full attention. So I usually spent my time waving and saying, "Hey, I'm over here. Don't forget about me or I'm gonna throw a hissy fit," which is always so very attractive.
And all of these experiences occurred while I was heavily intoxicated. Since I no longer indulge like that, you will need to be far more creative to get me in the sack, unless, of course you are Jake Dakota; then all you need to do is show up and squat.
Anyway...
As we were getting ready to leave the party, we say our goodbyes to the hosts. One half of the couple introduces me to another of their friends and adds, "We're dating him."
I look at Rob who is smiling. The only thing I could think to say was, "Am I on Candid Camera?" No response. Realizing he was not kidding, I say, "Nice to meet you."
So there you have it. One party. Two thruples.
I say to Rob, "Why didn't they tell me earlier?"
"They probably didn't want you to mention it on your blog."
"As if!"
Posted by durban bud at 12:37 PM | Comments (17)