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October 10, 2006
Oprah Has Killed My Libido
On yesterday's show she was talking about shit, farts, germs, periods, piss and sweat again with Dr. Oz. It was riveting television! They discussed everything except queefing and fisting, which I'm sure we will learn about on the next installment.
Here are some highlights:
For those of you that love to eat steak:
"A steak dinner can take you two, maybe three days to get out of your intestine. What that means is the way you digest it is basically to rot it in your intestines."
So avoid taking your date to a Ponderosa.
Chomping gum makes you fart:
"Twenty percent of the gas comes from the air you take in your mouth," he says. "That comes because you're eating too quickly, you're drinking carbonated beverages, you're chewing gum, you're smoking cigarettes, you're sucking air into your body that gets into your intestines."
Gum chomping is one of my biggest pet peeves, and I have discussed its consequences before. Learn from me, people. Learn!
Farts kill bears!
"Think of your body as a refrigerator, Dr. Oz says. If you let food sit in there, it's going to smell after a while. In your body, sulfur-rich foods like eggs, meat, beer, beans and cauliflower are decomposed by bacteria to release hydrogen sulfide—a smell strong enough to flatten a bear."
Please remember this before you step foot into Blowoff, Titan or the Eagle. Farts kill bears, so eat appropriately beforehand. And no beer! Beer + Anal = Combustible Santorum.
Do you like the smell of sweaty guys? Think about this:
"First of all, sweat by itself doesn't smell," Dr. Oz says. "What does smell is when the sweat gets bacteria in it. Some people's sweat have chemicals that are particularly attractive to bacteria. Sweat itself comes out normal in its shape and its smell but the bacteria love it, so they just grow and grow and grow and multiply..."
"A particularly strong smell signals one of two things: diet and bacteria. This smelly sweat may contain some sugar, but sometimes sweat actually inhibits bacteria growth and sometimes it encourages it. Those with particularly smelly sweat "may actually have bacteria already colonized on your body."
Next time you're cruising that hot bear with the ripe man-scent, remember that his body is being ravaged by bacteria. HOT!
The Ann Coulter Fungus:
"Scientists found B. strep, usually found in vaginal secretions, on a movie theater seat. They say it was probably from a woman wearing a short skirt."
I'm sure it was from Ann Coulter. Speaking of, buy this new book.
Periods?
Sorry, I tuned that part out; although I did hear you shouldn't leave your tampon in for longer than 7 hours. Did you hear that Matt? Told ya so.
What about spit?
"The most dangerous thing we get exposed to is spit," he says. "That's how the flu gets transmitted. It's the way that we're most commonly able to hurt each other. In fact, the human bite is the most dangerous of all animal bites because that's where we actually can hurt each other the most."
OMG!
Hot tubs?
"Catching something in a hot tub is "more possible…because often the hot tubs aren't kept clean," Dr. Oz says. "People have bodily secretions that they're sweating or leaving in the hot tub and you're hopping right into it. That's a place that I don't like to hang out too much."
I love hot tubs!
Piss?
He said piss is sterile and even used by soldiers to clean their wounds. So I guess watersports are okay.
If all of this is true, I'm sure I caught something during my adventure at Folsom, especially at the Magnitude party. My stomach is now burning and my taint itches.
So next time you are contemplating that one-night stand, wrap yourself in saran-wrap and avoid beer. But drink all the piss you want.
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To read these full excerpts and learn more about poop (i.e. it should be s-shaped when you excrete it; and it's brown cuz of bile in the stomach), go here.
Posted by durban bud at October 10, 2006 03:38 AM
Comments
Oh wait... That's what those two guys were doing in the street?
Posted by: STeve at October 10, 2006 08:58 AM
Uhm, eww! Straight people are crazy! This reminds me of that weird "show" that plays on 20 channels which asks at the bottom of the screen "Is a Clean Colon the Secret to a Healthy Life?" They then drag out a rope made of shit and wave it in front of the presenter.
Posted by: Carl at October 10, 2006 10:13 AM
This is the last time I eat my breakfast while reading your blog...
Posted by: Matt at October 10, 2006 11:04 AM
I am up in arms about the spit comments... I will never ever ever be afraid of spit!
Posted by: Paul at October 10, 2006 11:24 AM
If I had gotten through my whole life without ever knowing that Oprah's poop was s-shaped, I think I would have been just fine. I have been scarred for life...
Posted by: Bubala at October 10, 2006 01:35 PM
I accidently watched a TYRA show where they took bacteria cultures from peoples' hair, hands, butts, etc. And showed them wiggling in their petri dishes. That was nasty and made me itch.
Posted by: homer at October 10, 2006 02:40 PM
A smart man wouldn't watch Oprah.. he'd watch Judge Judy, followed by FOX5 News at 5.
Posted by: Thomas at October 11, 2006 03:10 AM