Things went fairly well, except for the little hole in the turkey pan. The juice dripped onto the burner in the stove, which created a minor fire hazard. Of course, my parents showed up as this was happening. I had to open all the windows to let the black smoke escape. My mom walked in and said, "I CAN'T (pronounced: caint) BREATHE! WHAT IN THE HELL IS HAPPENIN' IN HURR?"

Luckily, Tos saved the day by bringing an extra pan. "I LIKE (pronounced: lock) THAT TOS. HE'S A GOOD EGG. AND HIS PARTNER IS NICE (pronounced: nas) TOO."

Dinner was good. About half an hour after finishing, my mom said, "LET'S GO CLEAN OUT YOUR CLOSET."

This reminded me that I had not planned anything else for them to do while they were here. So the next day I decided to take them to see some historic landmarks.

On Friday, we went down to Union Station to see the bathroom where Senator Larry Craig allegedly had gay sex. My mom said, "THIS IS DISGUSTIN'." "Indeed, it is."

On Saturday, I took them to Starbucks. My dad was none too happy about this, as he has weened my mom off of caffeine the past few years due to a hyper incident. "You can order a decaf, Mom." "NO, I'M ON VACATION. I'LL HAVE CAFFEINE!" Fine. I'm an enabler. My dad declined to take part. As I glanced back, I witnessed him at the condiments area stuffing his pockets with packets of natural sugar. "I caint find this stuff back home." "Yes you can, Dad. It's found in stores, where you have to purchase things."

We took our coffee to the Circle to people watch. My parents have turned into Joan and Melissa Rivers. I now know where my cattiness comes from. "SHE SHOULD NOT BE WEARIN' THAT. HER BUTT IS TOO BIG." "Mom, please use your indoor voice." "SHE CAINT HEAR ME." The woman looked back at us. My dad said, "That guy kinda looks like an angertwink. Is that what you would call him?" "Yes it is, Dad. Good call!"

From there, I took them over to the Iraq embassy conveniently located in Dupont Circle. For some reason, they posed for a picture in front of it. "MAKE SURE YOU GET THE IRAQ SIGN IN THE BACKGROUND." Okie doke.

They, once again, opted to sleep in the spare room on the futon. They both woke to severe back pain. The next night my dad set an Aleve by the side of the bed in case my mom needed it in the middle of the night. In the morning my mom said, "I TOOK THAT ALEVE BUT IT DIDN'T SEEM TO HELP." My dad said, "No, you didn't. You took a Tic-Tac I put on the bedside table. The Aleve is still sittin' there." She awoke with back pain, but fresh breath and a burning stomach. I love my parents.

All in all, it was a pleasant visit. When filming wraps on Suitcase Sally's reality show, The Irritation of Ira, I think my parents are next in line for their own reality show. It needs to be seen to be believed.

They are gone now. My ears are still ringing and I feel fat. But I have a clean closet.