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December 21, 2006
Me Wrap Pretty One Day
I thought I had finished all my Christmas shopping, until I woke up this morning, startled, cuz I remembered my sister has THREE kids. I really wish she would keep her legs closed; it's costing me a fortune. Luckily, the third one is only 2, so buying for him is easy.
So I walked down to the convenience store to buy a jar of apple sauce. When I walked in, there was no one there. I got what I needed and went to the register. Still no one there. I yelled, "Hello!" and stood there for a moment. Two little eyes peeked up from behind the base of the counter. Scared the shit out of me. Her hair was a mess. It was the Korean Lady. "I'm uh so uh sowwy. I'm uh so tiwed." I looked over the counter and saw a little makeshift bed she had made for herself with blankets on the floor.
I guess business was slow today. Geez.
I spent the rest of the day wrapping presents. I'm not a good wrapper. At all. It's embarassing. And my sister always points this out: "Guess we know who this gift is from."
She thinks I should know how to do this well.
She's like: "I don't understand why you can't. I mean, you are gay, aren't you?"
"No, I just told you guys that to make dad cry and get the black sheep label from the family."
"You're weird. Anyway, my gay friends all wrap beautifully."
"Well, I'm not like most gay guys. Don't worry, me wrap pretty one day."
"Huh?"
"Ya know, David Sedaris?"
"No. I figured you would have gotten the gay gene for beautiful wrapping."
"I didn't get many gay genes; I hate musicals too. I didn't get many straight genes either; I hate NASCAR and fixing shit. OMG, maybe I'm transgendered!"
So I finished poorly wrapping the gifts, and took them down the street to my favorite little mail service store. Raj, my new Nepalese friend, always takes good care of me there. He did manage to reprimand me for waiting until the last minute to ship it.
"Where does the package need to be sent?"
"Denver."
He smiled.
I hate Christmas.
Posted by durban bud at December 21, 2006 04:59 PM
Comments
You don't like musicals?!!!!
Turn in your toaster oven!! ;)
Posted by: TigerYogi at December 21, 2006 06:50 PM
You don't hate Christmas. Just think of the satisfaction you'll have waking up Christmas morning, knowing the look on your little nephew's face when he opens that jar of apple sauce. That's what it's all about, right there.
Posted by: Stephen at December 21, 2006 08:18 PM
Me DO wrap pretty.
guess that saved me a long explanation of my gayness to my family. I was always the one with who wrapped so that the stripes or patterns lined up on the seam, folded in the ends to hide any paper undersides, made the ends match up, and sometimes I would make my own bows.
Then I came out-- and started to wrap shitty on purpose because I didn't HAVE to wrap nice anymore. No more repressed gayness!!!
Posted by: cb at December 22, 2006 09:03 AM
I am with you - I can't wrap for shiat and I am sick of Christmas - bah f@#&ing humbug!
I am heading out to the mall now to finish up, but at least up here in Fredneck I can see the real Turleen in action drinking fer two and while cranking some cigarettes. I guess she is smoking fer two also..
Merry X-mas!!
Posted by: Steve at December 22, 2006 09:52 AM
I got the wrapping gene. I used to wrap my own Christmas presents. No joke.
Also.. does anyone remember those machines at the mall that you put your gifts inside those big balloons and they seal them up with confetti and tissue paper and shit? I want one of those balloons filled with teddy bears.
Posted by: habitat67 at December 22, 2006 10:33 AM
"You makea goot bottom."
Posted by: jimbo at December 22, 2006 12:40 PM
I'm right there with you.....I can't wrap presents prettily, I loathe musicals, including movie ones, I don't wear fashionable labels, my birks are the most comfortable shoes I own. Holy shit! I am a Lesbian. How am I going to explain this to my bf? Not to mention tell my mother she has two dykes in the family.....Wait a minute, my lesbian sister wraps gifts really well, can't change her own oil, wears fashionable clothing..........must be the twilight zone!
Posted by: TonkaManOR at December 22, 2006 02:01 PM
Just got back from the last of the shopping. I also hate to wrap gifts, don't do musicals, but I loves me some NASCAR and working on stuff. Guess if I didn't like dick, I'd be a dike.
Ho, Ho, Ho and a Happy Festivus to ALL!!!
Posted by: Dinger at December 22, 2006 02:06 PM
I have gotten better at wrapping things, and I think the bags with tissue paper are a cop out. Now though, I have no gifts to buy for people, so instead I buy expensive chcolates for myself, have them wrapped and stuff my face.
I wish we could get 25 inches. I'd settle for half that! Snow, of course.
Posted by: copperred at December 22, 2006 03:02 PM
I wrap my presents in brown craft paper, then decorate them with ribbons, bows, and "For: / From:" cards, all drawn realistically in black Sharpie marker. They look like comic strip drawings of gift wrapping.
Posted by: circleinasquare at December 22, 2006 05:16 PM