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January 10, 2007
Do These Chaps Make My Butt Look Big?
Oprah just did a show called, "Does My Butt Look Big in These Jeans?" Apparently, there are trained stylists who study this phenomena. She paraded a bunch of women out, to show how the appropriate clothing can give the illusion of a proper ass. It was all well and good, but no men were featured, which is ridiculous. I mean, men look just as retarded in the wrong clothes, and we all know several men who could benefit from this discussion. And I'm sure I'll see a number of them this weekend.
I would be happy to be an Oprah correspondent at all the MAL events. I could do an episode called, "Does This Choke Collar Make My Slave Look Desperate?" or maybe, "Does My Red Hanky Look Better in the Back Pocket of My Wrangler Jeans or My Lee Jeans?" I think her audience would really enjoy that.
I am no fashion expert by any means, but I do know the following:
Dad Jeans are a big no-no. We've all heard of Mom Jeans; well, the same rule applies to men. This usually affects men in their late thirties to mid-fifties. They don't really care that they've packed on a few pounds, so they'll continue to wear the same pair of Levi's or Gap carpenter jeans they bought 15 years earlier. Their little fanny pack is on full display in these jeans, and by fanny pack, I mean hernias.
Secondly, you should never spend over $100 for a pair of jeans. There is no need, unless Dolce & Gabbana are sewing them specifically for you. Ridiculously-priced designer jeans look silly on anyone, but even worse on guys over 20. You will definitely get attention in them, but it's not for the reasons you would like. It usually signifies you've just come out and are now trying to recapture some semblance of your misspent years, or worse, you're a realtor. Twinks can usually pull it off cuz no one looks at them anyway (except for priests and guys named Warren). Rust-colored Diesel jeans with rhinestones might look good on Monday but they will be out by Thursday. Save your money. Of course, there are exceptions but I have yet to find one.
If you are going to wear chaps this weekend, please make sure you are not a nassatall.
A nassatall is someone with no ass at all. No junk in the trunk. No cushion for the pushin'. Not even a little. Zero. Zilch. Nada.
Chaps on nassatalls only accentuate the tail bone, and really, who wants to see that?
Speaking of junk in the trunk, some woman called into Talk Sex with Sue Johanson the other night and asked, "My boyfriend told me that you can get a bigger butt by doing it doggiestyle a lot; is that true?" God, I love that show!
Anyway, this weekend is going to be interesting. I shall bring my camera to document all the hot mens and hot nots. Be on the look out!
Posted by durban bud at January 10, 2007 12:08 AM
Comments
Damn, as if there weren't enough pressure on me this weekend. Now I'm going to have to make sure I don't end up in some photo feature here with a black box over my eyes and a caption like "Oh No She Din't!"
Posted by: chrisafer at January 10, 2007 11:04 AM
You wouldn't believe how tight some of the "cowboys" wear their Lee jeans here in Tucson. Major Camel-toeage. Sometimes it is just nast.
Posted by: homer at January 10, 2007 11:29 AM
It's always the ones you don't WANT to see naked that let it all hang out. *sigh*
Posted by: moby at January 10, 2007 03:09 PM
Mom Jeans commercial is hysterical! Loved seeing it on SNL and great to re-visit it today! Also, if/when in NYC, go to Dave's on 6th Avenue and 18th Street. Best deal on Levi's anywhere around! All makes/models $35.
Posted by: patrick at January 10, 2007 03:12 PM
If that were true DC would have to change its name from Ass-town!
Posted by: TOS at January 10, 2007 05:57 PM
Tis a pity I will not be there this weekend, my last MAL experience in 2002 was quite memorable.
Posted by: Joe.My.God. at January 10, 2007 06:06 PM
The Camel Toe was last year's trend in New York City. This year, it's the Micropenis.
Posted by: Aaron at January 10, 2007 06:09 PM
Big ass due to bottoming? That can't be true or Oprah never does it missionary. And all those girls with "back" too...
I wonder if I can still fit into those 29", breathing optional, Wranglers. They're my equivalent of chaps, without the tailbone issue.
Posted by: copperred at January 10, 2007 10:54 PM
I saw a dude at Wal-mart the other day who had his jeans fastened below his ass so he could still wear them- and had his long t-shirt tucked in so as not to give a crack attack. He was about 40.
And I firmly agree about the chaps thing.
Posted by: cb at January 11, 2007 07:06 AM