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February 28, 2007
The Sanctity of Marriage
durbanbud (5:21:34 PM): what should i write about on my blog
rob**** (5:22:04 PM): how much money would you give for a date with TJ
durbanbud (5:22:11 PM): what
durbanbud (5:22:15 PM): thats odd
rob**** (5:22:20 PM): could have different levels
rob**** (5:22:23 PM): date
rob**** (5:22:27 PM): kiss
rob**** (5:22:30 PM): [edited]
rob**** (5:22:32 PM): etc.
durbanbud (5:22:33 PM): you want to whore me out?!?
rob**** (5:22:40 PM): well we could use some extra cash
durbanbud (5:23:20 PM): i'm not your whore
rob**** (5:23:29 PM): money trumps labels
durbanbud (5:23:36 PM): :-o
durbanbud (5:23:47 PM): thanks, u just wrote my post
Posted by durban bud at 05:59 PM | Comments (15)
February 27, 2007
Mister Fister & His Slaveboy Harem
There are benefits to having a kinky little fucker as a friend.
Mister Fister stayed with us over the weekend. Since he likens himself to a Daddy Master (tee hee), we asked him to search out a slaveboy and order him to clean our place before the Oscar party.
I don't mind that he seeks out these adventures when he's in town, as long as he does his bizness elsewhere. And he washes his hands at all times. I always stock up on Clorox baby wipes when he visits.
He's a great guest, cuz he logs onto Manhunt so I can look at all my friends' penises and whatnot, and find out what they're into. As always, I'm not surprised. (btw, the rumors about Carl are totally true!)
The only drawback is letting the kinky fucker use my computer to land "dates". I get on to check my email and 6 instant message screens pop up saying things like, "Sir, what do you want pigboy to do now, sir?" Um, first I want you to get off my pristine christian computer.
What does one say to pigboys? I wanted to find out, so I'm all, "Touch your toes."
"Master, I just touched my toes for you."
Hmmmm.
"Finger your bellybutton, pull out any lint and set it on your kitchen table."
"Yes, sir. I'm fingering my bellybutton, looking for lint."
"Good boy!"
This is fun. I didn't have anything prepared to order them to do so I just rambled shit, totally kidding.
"Now email Dr. Phil and tell him his wife sux donkey dick."
"Sir?"
"DO IT, YOU FILTHY WHORE!"
"Yes, sir. I'm sorry."
"Here's his email: drphil@drphil.com. DO IT!"
A couple minutes later, "Sir, message has been sent."
OMG! This kid loves to obey; I could get used to this! S & M rules!
"Master wants you to come over and clean his apartment."
"Yes, Master, what does Master want his slaveboy to wear?"
"Just a jockstrap." And then for some retarded reason, I said, "And that's Master dBud to you!!"
"dBud?"
"Yes!"
Silence
"Is this TJ?"
Sign off.
Posted by durban bud at 12:05 PM | Comments (21)
February 26, 2007
And the Winner of the Big Gay Oscar Contest...
BobScott - Washington, DC
Runners-Up:
cb - Durham, NC
Mario - Montreal, Quebec
Scott Hasty - Washington, DC
snapperboy - Philadelphia, PA
Tos - Washington, DC
Not Too Shabby:
Donnie D - Phoenix, AZ
env337 - NYC, NY
Jason - Chicago, IL
Mark - Pomona, California
rob (wifey) - DC
rodger dodger - Portand, OR
The most correct was 15 out of 21. In truth, we all did kinda shitty, since the winners were all over the map. I thought it was a really good show. Anyway, thanks to everyone who played along. If you see BobScott out today, praise him and pat him on the behind!
Next year, we should add money to the pool, cuz the winner would have made out pretty well!
And this was overheard in my living room during the show, courtesy of Scott H:
"Rumor has it -- Ed Begley Jr. has a really big dick."
Posted by durban bud at 01:19 AM | Comments (12)
February 25, 2007
dBud Stud: Suze Orman
I bet her girlfriend has really good credit. That's what I think.
Posted by durban bud at 02:26 PM | Comments (2)
February 24, 2007
The Martini Crowd
I made pancakes for our birthday dinner. I'm an original. It was pretty low-key until Mr. Fister from NYC paid us a visit at 9:30 last night. He was hungry. I offered him a pancake. He devoured it. He was still hungry cuz his blood sugar was way low, apparently. Rob suggested we go out for another bite to eat. I declined. I was disheveled, unshowered and not pretty. They were going to go to grAnnie's, but opted on a closer place, since it was so cold out. Somehow, I got talked into going.
We walked down to Duplex. It looked crowded. There was a sign on the door about some benefit something something Soulforce something GLBT something. We asked the host if she had a table for us. She did. We took our seats and ordered.
As we sat there, the place got increasingly more crowded and louder. There was a DJ. It was fagtabulous! And I mean that in the best sense. There were tons of pretty boys with button-downed shirts, designer jeans, hair product and martinis. And there were also plenty of Jennifers. And then there was me.
Our table became surrounded by people sipping cocktails. The DJ played "Ice Ice Baby". I bopped my head. It's a natural instinct. The Jennifers began shaking their asses and rapping along to this golden ditty. Um, are we in the middle of the dancefloor? I do believe we are.
"All right stop collaborate and listen
Ice is back with my brand new invention
Something grabs a hold of me tightly
Flow like a harpoon daily and nightly
Will it ever stop yo I don't know
Turn off the lights and I'll glow
To the extreme I rock a mic like a vandal
Light up a stage and wax a chump like a candle"
Um, no.
So there I sat, unkempt, with people peering over us as we took our baby bites. The final straw was when a gyrating Jennifer with junk in her trunk hit my fork with her jiggly ass during Bryan Adam's "Summer of '69". Check, please! We wrapped up our food and escaped.
I am simply not fabulous, although a fag.
Posted by durban bud at 10:42 AM | Comments (9)
February 23, 2007
Another Year Closer to Death
Eminem once said:
"You 36-year-old, bald headed fag, blow me.
You don't know me, you're too old, let go, it's over."
So, yeah, today is my birthday. And Rob's. He's 5 hours older. It's obvious.
And Kurt Cobain would have been 40 this past week. We're both sensitive Pisces, I guess. The similarities between us are eerie, except, of course, for the talent.
Despite a few well-documented struggles, my thirties have been pretty damn awesome, so far.
Posted by durban bud at 12:06 AM | Comments (33)
February 22, 2007
Oscar Party Etiquette
Hmmm. I'm not exactly sure what he's trying to convey with this pose, but it's good to see Eric McCormack pick up some work after Will & Grace. I know a lot of you will be attending Oscar parties this weekend, so it might be best to avoid doing this there, unless, of course, you are compelled to queen out and strike a pose. I don't judge, but I do offer tips: supress the urge. It's in your best interest.
That's the hunky Parker Williams holding Eric up. I love him.
Posted by durban bud at 10:51 AM | Comments (8)
February 21, 2007
Azz Wednesday
I was walking downtown today, and noticed several people walking around with filthy foreheads. Buy some soap, dude. It looked as if they all worked for a chimney cleaning company except they were nicely dressed. The dirt appeared to be in the form of a T, as in TJ. How cool is that? Anyway, I put my own spin to this odd trend. I tried to draw an azz, cuz, y'know, I live in a gay neighborhood. I'll prolly wash it off tomorrow.
Posted by durban bud at 05:03 PM | Comments (10)
February 20, 2007
This Little Piggy Had Gross Beef
Apparently, everyone is in an open relationship. I did not get this memo. So, I guess, we're all dating one another. How incestuous. And piggy. We should probably add Kwell to our End of Times stockpile of necessities.
FYI - I'm on top tonight.
Posted by durban bud at 10:40 PM | Comments (13)
At the Mountains of Madness
Can people please stop climbing dangerous mountains?
It's kind of retarded. I think some closet cases do it deliberately so they can cuddle with other men.
Posted by durban bud at 12:39 PM | Comments (13)
February 18, 2007
Flippy-Floppy
If there is anyone who can kill my libido, it's Ms. Sue Johanson. And Oprah, of course.
The following comes from one of her sponsor's sites:
"After two children, I had serious incontinence problems. My vagina had that 'flippy-floppy' feeling. I could barely feel anything. Sex was just not the same."
I think "two children" is codespeak for "being a whore." And I know a few flippy-floppy men who should consider a trip to San Antonio.
On her show she just got done discussing queefs, and used a dildo to demonstrate how air can build up in a vagina, causing a funny, little sound during sex. Fascinating television!
Another highlight was a man asking if it was okay to foot-fuck his girlfriend, even though she has athlete's foot. Answer: Prolly not.
Or maybe, the guy who asked if it was okay to have anal sex with his partner, even though his man-cooter was littered with hemorrhoids. Answer: Abstain from anal and tuck the large rhoids back into his butt, so they heal faster. Interesting. And gross.
Jimbo and I are considering having our own podcast, in which we can answer some of these probing questions. I think that would be educational. And this would be one of our sponsors.
Posted by durban bud at 11:56 PM | Comments (10)
February 17, 2007
Here We Are Now, Entertain Us
Apparently, my mom told my sister I spend too much time on my computer when I have guests over. "That's ridiculous," I typed back. "I would have gladly IM'd with her if she wanted to chat while she was here." Geez.
Last night, I pried myself away from my computer to attend an early birthday dinner for me and Rob provided by Aunt Sally, as he likes to be called on this site. Sally was recovering from a hip injury, due to a fall from a slab of ice on the sidewalk. I figured her Prada purse or Hermes handbag would have buffered her fall, but sadly, no.
Anyway, while we were at the restaurant, there was a large table featuring the cast and crew from some Logo reality show.
As I was standing in the line for the bathroom, one of the leads in the show was standing next to me. Naturally I said, "Hi, I'm TJ." He said, "Hi, I'm Connor MacLeod of the Clan MacCleod," or something like that. It was loud so I couldn't quite make it out. I said, "What's the name of your show?" He said, "Jacob" something something "Nemesis." I didn't know the show, so I'm all, "Your hair looks very much like Kurt Cobain's." He's like, "Ya think? Thanks." And then I walked into the bathroom.
I later found out it was "Jacob" I spoke with.
Since my b-day is coming up soon, feel free to email me the access code to redeem my iTunes gift certificate. Thanks.
I've been alerted that this is a 3 day weekend, which is fantastic. I may be venturing away from my computer again tonight, to play some "pool".
Speaking of pool, have you filled out your gay Oscar Ballot yet? I'm impressed with the number of submissions. I am surprised, however, at how many of you regulars have not filled one out. Shame on you.
In other news, I bit my tongue while having an orgasm last night. It kind of ruined the moment -- y'know, with all the blood and stuff.
Posted by durban bud at 01:08 PM | Comments (9)
February 15, 2007
Charlene Says
"Tim Hardaway's a fag, hon."
Posted by durban bud at 11:33 PM | Comments (10)
An Anal Valentine
We celebrate this way.
Speaking of anal, Fox News is launching a conservative version of The Daily Show. It's called "The 1/2 Hour News Hour." It's going to air on Sundays at 10pm, until they see how it does. After watching this clip of the new show, it's apparent the writing staff of Last Call with Carson Daly are moonlighting. Conservatives should stick to watching Honeymooners reruns. Be careful not to sip your coffee while watching it.
And it's obvious this nice guy doesn't read my blog. *shrugs*
Posted by durban bud at 12:42 AM | Comments (8)
February 13, 2007
Eight Ball
So it's finally snowing here. People are scrambling to Safeway to stock up on fire logs, potted meat and enema kits. It would be nice if we got pounded hard, like we did in 1996, when the streets shut down and most people had work off for a week. This will prolly melt and turn to ice; then people will strap on their ice skates and skate to work. It's always awkward watching men in suits triple lutzing down K Street. They look kinda funny. But I don't judge.
I hope our local gay weather aficionado keeps us updated on the snowfall. He's my new weather crush, replacing Sugar Tits. Yet, more proof, the gays love their weather.
Posted by durban bud at 10:47 AM | Comments (8)
February 11, 2007
Two Degrees of Separation
We gather in clusters and stand on the floor. We look around, like sparrows, trying to catch a glimpse of something unique. We try to talk, but we can't really hear. We nod and smile or say "What?" repeatedly. We twitter to a beat and bop our heads. We suspect some are chemically altered. We don't judge. But we do. We inspect new mandies. Someone knows him. We all know each other, eventually. There are two degrees of separation in the small gay world. We will communicate one day, all of us. We will know you.
That said, when out at a bar, try to avoid doing this.
People routinely gripe about the attitude in our city. It's there, sure, but it's in every city and small town. As homos, we are hyper sensitive to other's motives. It's in our nature. And we give back attitude, as a defense mechanism, sometimes harder than it was ever given to us. Check your own. Don't be a weiner. There are plenty of fine folks out there, too. And I am surrounded by them. And you are too.
Now shake that ass.
Posted by durban bud at 02:58 PM | Comments (8)
February 09, 2007
Being a Gay Man in the 21st Century
I was watching Naked Science on the National Geographic Channel. It was all about the sun and how some of its storms created all this carbon on Earth and that's what we humans came from. So you're really not all that. You're just some carbon. Get over yourself.
They also said the sun is going to get exponentially hotter and closer and will eventually make living here impossible. All water will disappear and sand dunes will occupy much of the planet. We'll have to start living underground for awhile.
After that, we'll all die.
The sun is God; we are at Her mercy.
Posted by durban bud at 01:36 PM | Comments (19)
February 08, 2007
Vuck Falentine's Day
Valentine's Day is a bit overrated, innit?
CafePress has some cool t-shirts if you wish to celebrate in a different manner.
Go shopping!
Posted by durban bud at 08:41 AM | Comments (8)
February 05, 2007
dBud's Oscar Ballot!
So I may have lost my gay card by not liking Dreamgirls, but I can redeem myself by having an online Oscar ballot.
Normally when I do this at my annual party, each person gives $4 for each submission. Since I would like to include y'all this year, I think that could get into some pesky legalities. If anyone has a good idea for a top prize for the most accurate ballot, let me know. If not, you'll just get a shout out on this site and an electronic bear hug.
Go here to fill out your ballot. I get a copy and you get a copy. I'll keep track of all submissions and grade them like a first grade teacher. The winner will be announced the day after the show, February 26th.
This is one of the gayest things I've done, and I feel no shame. Play along, kids.
Posted by durban bud at 11:57 PM | Comments (9)
February 04, 2007
Orinoco Butt Flow
As I was returning my weekend porn stash, I noticed the streets were quite desolate. Then it dawned on me -- people are at home celebrating one of America's favorite pastimes: having gay sex!
So I notified the wife of what was to come (who also had completely forgotten!), bought some lube and chicken wings, and made my way back to sodomy's lair.
For the past twelve years, Enigma has provided the soundtrack to our carnal lust. I'm getting a little tired of it, although it still works fine. I always wonder what other people listen to, while getting their muffin buttered. I've tried to mix it up throughout the years, but haven't found anything as perfect as Enigma.
Someone once told me to try Enya, so I did. I didn't feel sexual at all. In fact, I felt like getting a pedicure. And every time things would start to heat up, it would get all quiet, and then: "SAIL AWAY, SAIL AWAY, SAIL AWAY!" Yeah, that makes me want to bone something.
No music is fine once in awhile, but I prefer not to hear myself giggling. It's distracting.
So, tell me, what is your preferred music for lovemaking? What is your Orinoco Butt Flow?
Posted by durban bud at 07:32 PM | Comments (30)
February 02, 2007
The Offensive Earpiece
Whenever I have to walk more than two blocks, I bundle up with my skull cap, hood, sunglasses and ancient (3 years old!) iPod. I'm a dead ringer for the Unabomber, except for the iPod bit.
Lately I find that my iPod battery keeps running out on longer walks. Usually this would annoy me, but I find if I keep it on, people leave me alone. When a homeless person gives me a pissy look for not responding to him, I simply smile, point to my headphones and keep walking. I mean, my iPod is 3 years old; I hardly doubt I could afford the fitty cent you're asking for.
Yesterday my ancient (3 years old!) iPod was working just fine. I was walking on beat to Green Day's Jesus of Suburbia and feelin' all angry and shit, when I noticed our building's mailman out front saying something to me. His mouth was moving, but obviously I couldn't hear him. I stopped in front of him, took my headphones off, and said, "I'm sorry. I couldn't hear you. What's up?" He gave me an annoyed look, turned around, walked the other way, and continued his conversation with whomever was in his goddamn earpiece.
Oh. I knew that. I stood there alone, ignored and defeated.
Then I thought, get off the phone, bitch. You're working! You totally ruined my angst-ridden, pissed at the world, rock trip.
People should glow with neon when using those fucking earpieces. It's only fair to the rest of us.
Posted by durban bud at 09:26 AM | Comments (13)