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March 11, 2007
Dehibernation
A glint of sunlight permeated my eyelids this morning. I knew it was time for the thaw. I stretched and wiggled and yawned, disoriented, like a newborn gazelle splattering out of its father's vagina. I was cold, shivering - my extra layer of warmth provided by the behemothic amount of Chipotle burritos consumed beforehand, was starting to thin. And so it begins.
I will head to the Circle to breathe in the fresh pre-spring air and let the sunshine blow a huge load all over my face. And I'll get a Chipotle burrito on the way there.
So I tumble outta bed and stumble to the kitchen, pour myself a cup of ambition. Right?
I made it to the Circle and found a seat right by the fountain. I took in a deep breath and stared into the sunlight, to melt the ice crystals that had formulated on my winter beard.
I witnessed several others coming out of their very own hibernations. There was the hippie straight couple, contemplating whether they had enough tempe in the fridge to make a full meal; there were the cute interracial kids playing in the fountain, where the water was still absent; there was the sweet gay couple, freshly fucked, also consuming a Chipotle meal. It was all very peaceful.
That's when the Muslims showed up. Protesting something. Traveling in a circle, shouting, with signs and puppetry. Over and over. Yeah, um, can y'all take that elsewhere? I'm defrosting. My companion kept saying, "We're going to get blown up. We must evacuate." Fine.
I went back home and Googled "Chipotle Nutrition," for shits and giggles, to see just how bad this meal is for me. I was horrified. My post hibernation meal was 1328 calories. It was just a fucking burrito. No wonder that extra layer kept me warm. I mean, I knew Chipotle was owned by McDonald's, but I almost never eat fast food. Chipotle is my one weakness.
I felt sad and anxious and plump. The Muslims and Google ruined my dethawification process. It had not reached completion, so I crawled back into bed. It was too soon. I was not ready.
It was a botched partial rebirth abortion, I suppose.
Posted by durban bud at March 11, 2007 11:49 PM
Comments
We'll call you "Puxtawaney D-Bud" then. Go back to bed.
I was out and about too, and I said to my companion, "Even though it's only 54 degrees outside, some queen is gonna have her shirt off in no time. And I was right.
Posted by: jimbo at March 12, 2007 12:44 AM
I was very content to wear shorts and a sweatshirt but then again that was a lil wimpy for me. The folks in Boston were in shorts and t-shirts...
Posted by: TOS at March 12, 2007 5:51 AM
Chipotle is the devil. I am addicted to it.
Posted by: Sarah Spelled the Right Way at March 12, 2007 8:18 AM
Once again, any guy who can casually throw in a 9-to-5 reference... well, that's that man for me.
And possibly 85% of the rest of our community.
Posted by: cb at March 12, 2007 9:16 AM
1328 calories? Hmm, sounds like I should eat Chipotle more often.
Posted by: Carl at March 12, 2007 9:42 AM
Wednesday, my little Cub...Wednesday.
75 degrees.
Posted by: Mike at March 12, 2007 9:48 AM
NO!!!! Wednesday must be cold! No! No! Ahh!!!
Posted by: Carl at March 12, 2007 11:30 AM
What a beautiful picture you painted! You sure have a way with words!
We here in the Midwest - St. Louis to be exact - are just now learning about Chipotle. They are invading with a vengance. Should I be worried? I already have a McMuffin addiction - is a big beefy burrito addiction soon to follow? (Boy, I left myself wide open on that one didn't I?) (Oops! On that one too!)
And ditto on the Dolly reference. That made me laugh outloud! You should be in advertising - you come up with good shit.
Posted by: Jim at March 12, 2007 1:57 PM
Thanks for totally ruining Chipotle for me......... I just found out what my Burrito Bol cost me.
Posted by: TonkaManOR at March 12, 2007 3:45 PM
Thankfully, we do not have that insidious chain around here...
Thaw out soon, Hon! :)
Posted by: TigerYogi at March 12, 2007 7:14 PM
2 things.....you're hilarious.... (that's when the Muslims came.....and secondly....you're grounded.
way to call me back......
Posted by: pam at March 12, 2007 8:07 PM