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March 9, 2007
Douching the Oven
I suppose I should update, but it's been kinda fun watching you kids come up with depressing tunes.
Let's see...
I could discuss how Towleroad ruined my afternoon yesterday by posting an article on the death of Winona Ryder. He promptly removed it when it turned out to be a hoax. Thanks, though, for the panic attack.
I could talk about Newt Gingrich having an affair. What kind of skanky whore do you have to be to let Newt Gingrich mount you? Gross.
I could talk about how much I enjoyed the new Zodiac movie.
Or I could tell you about my experience cleaning the oven last weekend.
One of my goals for the weekend was to clean the oven. Isn't that exciting? I guess some "drippings" and whatnot from Thanksgiving had "spilled" over and were never cleaned up. I thought it was about time to remove this crap -- as my pizzas were starting to have a pesky smoked turkey flavoring to them.
I looked through our cupboard of cleaning supplies to find the oven cleaner -- cuz every self-respecting homosexual has an oven cleaner, right? Except me. Apparently.
What's Plan B?
I noticed a "clean" button on the oven. Hmmm. I've seen it before but never paid any attention to it. So I guess it cleans itself?!? Just like a cat. Or a vagina. This is fantastic! I shall nickname her Ms. Pussy.
I hit the button and waited patiently for the mechanical arms to descend into Ms. Pussy to start the scrubbing process. That did not happen. And where are the suds?
I tried to open the door to see what the hold up was, but Ms. Pussy had locked the door and started to convulse as I pulled on the door. Did Chistine have an oven sister? I'm all, "Calm down, Ms. Pussy." I tried to turn it off but she wouldn't budge, and for some strange reason, she turned the burners on!
One hour later...
I. Can't. Fucking. Breathe. And it's hot as hell in here. And the racks in Ms. Pussy look none too happy.
After 3 hours, Ms. Pussy has turned herself off, finally. I still can't breathe. She is smoking; the racks have disintegrated; and there is a plethora of ashes.
Interesting way to "clean".
It's good to know the oven also serves as a kiln. Or maybe a crematorium, which may come in handy. "Just sayin'"...
Posted by durban bud at March 9, 2007 4:17 PM
Comments
Yes, a self-cleaning vagina oven would be an excellent crematorium...Just sayin'.
Posted by: Mike at March 9, 2007 6:37 PM
I had the exact same experience a few years ago...freaked out when the door locked up on me.
Posted by: Mike at March 9, 2007 7:51 PM
Count me among the homosexuals without oven cleaner. Or a self-cleaning oven. Maybe that's why I don't bake ...
Posted by: Zack at March 9, 2007 8:50 PM
You're so cute when you're clueless. Personally I love having a self-cleaning oven. If only I could have a self-cleaning shower. Or bed.
Posted by: copperred at March 9, 2007 10:58 PM
Self-cleaning is great, but if you start getting minor feminine itching you've got problems. I'd recommend something antifungal in the oven.
Posted by: anger hangover at March 9, 2007 11:09 PM
I agree with Carl! Self-cleaning ovens are so 1975! You're just not one of those domestic wives (though he does a mean load of laundry!)
Posted by: TOS at March 9, 2007 11:38 PM
Just don't put yer weed in there man....
Posted by: A-Ron at March 10, 2007 12:08 PM
I had to call my mom to figure out how to conduct the same procedure. It didn't really work for me though, and I had to resort to an oven cleaner. I have plenty of oven cleaner left if you need some.
Now I just make aluminum foil 'shields' around the sides of my chicken to keep the grease from splattering around the oven interiors.
Posted by: jimbo at March 10, 2007 2:10 PM
Hi, I'm trying to pull together a DC gay blogger type event and wanted to know if you were interested. Check it out:
http://allabouttrey.blogspot.com/2007/03/dc-homo-bloggerati-unite.html
What do you think?
Posted by: Trey at March 10, 2007 8:56 PM
Hmmm- did we learn our lesson? Choosy Faggots always choose environmentally unfriendly cleaning products instead of wasting energy and contributing to global warming.
Geez.
Posted by: cb at March 12, 2007 9:09 AM
Could. Not. Stop. Laughing.
Luckily, my nearest coworker had no idea what was going on. Love it.
Posted by: Joe at March 12, 2007 12:28 PM
hilarious, I guess I should call my mom and thank her for explaining the oven to me at an early age so I could start cooking for her.
Posted by: Tim at March 12, 2007 7:55 PM
Ah, Gingrich. The "Family Values"/"Contract With America" man who told his wife he was leaving her when she was in the hospital having chemo.
SO glad that the Reps believe in moral uprightness.
Posted by: Raybob at March 14, 2007 9:51 PM
It's OK, honey. My business partner's son, when he was about 8, pointed at the oven and asked, "Mommy, what's that?"
In all of his eight years, he had never seen her use it.
He could use the microwave oven himself, but had never actually seen an oven in use.
Ha ha. Funny. Even funnier when you know that she had a kick-ass house and kitchen (in Georgia) where they filmed a local cooking show. She, obviously, was not the star thereof.
Posted by: Raybob at March 22, 2007 4:20 PM