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March 23, 2007
Stranger with Candy
A month or so ago Joe blogged about his worst sex ever. Many commenters relayed their own horror stories, filled with alcohol and/or feces. I couldn't really think of any that happened to me of that caliber (except for that one "incident," but I've blocked that from my memory).
Most of my one nighters were never very interesting, except for these:
I hooked up with a guy I met at the Green Lantern, when it used to be a sleazy joint, back in the day. I met some hornball, took him home and as we were making gaybies, he looked me deep in the eyes and said - I shit you not - "I love you." Wha-wha-what? I said, "No, you don't. Now keep those legs in the air!" or something. I felt bad for him. He was tragic. But I did score a free trip to Disney World out of it a few months later! Wait - maybe I'm tragic. :(
A better hookup I had was with some guy I saw on the street. It was late, around 2am. I was walking home from a bar. I noticed a guy on the other side of the street. We cruised each other. He motioned for me to follow him. And like a kid being offered cotton candy, I went for it. We didn't talk; I just followed. He lured me back to his place, which was only about a block away. I went in. He turned out to be a butterface, but that feature wasn't what I was interested in. We took our clothes off, without saying anything, except our names. He assumed the position and I made sweet anonymous butt love to him. It was all very Hansel & Gretel-ish and kinda hot. But I made a huge hook-up faux pas: I slept over. Eeeeew. I awoke in the morning from my sugar high, pushed him in the oven and ran the hell out.
In hindsight, it's very odd to do something so intimate with someone you don't know. I was never very good at it. I need passion!
Those stories are probably boring compared to y'all's but that's all I can remember. For now.
Posted by durban bud at March 23, 2007 01:35 AM
Comments
You furballs are all about that staying the night shit. WTF? The one last night didn't even ask, he just went back to bed and to sleep. The lack of manners! :-)
Posted by: Carl at March 23, 2007 11:25 AM
My story isn't the "worst sex ever" but the worse breakup ever. After having dated this guy for 4 or 5 weeks, it was clear to me that I wasn't really attracted to him and he just wasn't husband material, so I decided it was time to move on. Unfortunately, he was way more into me than I was into him. I went over to his apartment to gently give him the news and he started bawling, got all upset, etc. Just as he was calming down, there is a knock on the door. Lo and behold it's his mother and it's like 9:00 at night. WTF? Turns out the guy's dad had had a heart attack and died late that afternoon and she had driven several hours to come break the news in person. I promptly crawled into the toilet and flushed myself so the two of them could be alone..... In hindsight, the "dead daddy" news was a distraction of sorts, as the ex-boyfriend now had more important things to be upset about and I was somewhat off the hook.
Posted by: Andrew at March 23, 2007 11:35 AM
Very nice blog you have you. :) I'll start reading it faithfully now that I stumbled upon it. (by way of Homer's site)
Posted by: brettcajun at March 23, 2007 12:21 PM
The worst anonymous sex I ever had was with some dude's dachshunds this one time when I was driving through a neighboring state...like they say about the Holocaust: "Never again!!!"
Posted by: Dagon at March 23, 2007 01:48 PM
I once had a trick say "I love you" a few hours after we just met and hooked up. But he was on ecstasy at the time and was kidding... so I actually found it amusing.
Posted by: chrisb at March 23, 2007 05:06 PM
I plead the 5th!
Posted by: moby at March 23, 2007 09:31 PM
Ugh I can't believe I am going to tell this story but it will be cathartic... I chalk it up to the stupidity and naivete of youth...
I'd just broken up with my 1st boyfriend ever... The last couple of months of that relationship were low on the nookie so despite my sadness/confusion/angst I was also a walking hormone. Long story short, 2 days after the breakup I found myself at the Green Lantern with my sister Watusi (also fresh off a break-up) and within 20 minutes Watusi was awe-struck as I was seen fleeing the bar with hunky boy in tow... (Yes it was my first truly slutty moment - I'd be out for only 1.5 years at this point, having rushed from closet to 1st boyfriend immediately).
Long story short, we went back to my place. He was hot, muscled, huge schlong, and all over me. I was suddenly terrified - never having done the deed with anyone but BF #1. We did it, and it was great - save my complete lack of boner... (yeah yeah draw your own conclusions) Of course I was mortified and he was kind enough to ask why.
The first thing that came out of my mouth was... no, not the truth - (too easy and probably would have helped) but the one thing I knew could kill a boner...
"Ummm I ran into a friend earlier and we did a little blow so that must be it..."
OK - years later I can laugh about this since I was a terrified little gay boy. I've never done coke EVER but I was desperate to say ANYTHING to retreat from my terror-induced "impotence" I made myself look like a fool. Dbud is right, it is definitely weird to have sex with someone you have only known for 20 minutes - my dick must have agreed and wasn't haven't any of it!
It's pretty funny now - but that was definitely my worst ever! Rule #1 - honesty is the best policy and #2 - don't try to lie about things that you don't know about!
Whew - what a difference 5 years later makes! Good lesson for me - forced me to slow down and get to know people since instant hook-ups were not my thing!
There it is out. More baggage unloaded grace a DurbanTherapy.com
dBud: I can always tell when you've taken your Adderall.
Posted by: TOS at March 24, 2007 11:48 AM