« March 2007 | Main | May 2007 »
April 29, 2007
Video
I just realized I can make videos with my camera. This is bad news for you guys. I'm gonna start posting videos of me grilling turkey burgers and eating strawberries and painting the lobby and I'm gonna force you to watch them. I've already got a few awful vids in the can!
Sorry in advance.
Anyway, today was beautiful. We went to the circle, with 1500-calorie burritos from Chip O'Tlay, of course, and snapped these:
Purty, Innit?
Several heterosexuals were flaunting their lifestyle choice of breeding while on their way to the Circle. Get a room.
This last pic reminds me that it's time to lose the scraggly beard. Actually I saw Screech sporting a beard on the telly earlier today and that reminded me.
In other news, some woman just called up Sue Johanson and said that she keeps shitting on her boyfriend during anal sex and it bothers him. Sue recommended he wear a condom if it grosses him out. Straight people are funny.
Posted by durban bud at 10:10 PM | Comments (5)
April 26, 2007
Most Livable Cities
Rand McNally has compiled a list of the most livable cities based on nine categories: climate, crime, housing/cost of living, transportation, jobs, education, health care, recreation and ambience -- museums, arts, restaurants and history.
Top Ten Most Livable Cities
1. Pittsburgh
2. San Francisco
3. Seattle
4. Portland
5. Philadelphia
6. Rochester, NY
7. Washington, DC
8. San Jose
9. Boston
10. Madison, WI
So tonight I went out to dinner with people from three of these locations -- Rochester, Pittsburgh, and DC. We huddled together at our table and talked about how unbelievably livable we all are. We debated why our cities were chosen, and all agreed that the gays have made these places fabulous -- not really, but it seems plausible. Clearly, Pittsburgh was chosen because it's just like Queer as Folk --with lots of blue collar sluts. And meth.
My hometown of Rochester is a decent place. The homes in the downtown area (East Ave/Park Ave) are absolutely gorgeous, and it's the most progressive city in NY, outside of NYC. The weather sux donkey dick though, as it's often overcast and dreary. Still, all the boys from Syracuse and Buffalo descend upon the city because -- well, because it's not Syracuse and Buffalo. Plus, Rochester has everyone's favorite homo gurlfriend, Pam. And Kodak.
Noticeably absent -- the South! And only one from the Mid-West!
It's great to be livable.
Posted by durban bud at 02:12 PM | Comments (27)
April 25, 2007
The Tragic National Zoo
Once again I got suckered into a family outing at the tragic National Zoo.
Here are some photos of the animals from my excursion:
The conditions at the zoo are abysmal, at best, and the few animals that showed their faces looked like Farrah Fawcett from The Burning Bed, only furrier. They looked beaten down, emaceated and depressed.
A number of the larger animals (bear, lion and elephants) all behaved in a non-stop back and forth pacing manner -- reminiscent of Holocaust concentration camps, where victims were forced to move rocks from one place to another, and then back again. I get that they're extremely bored, but this behavior leans more towards a brain disorder from a lack of something.
They're currently rebuilding an area for the elephants, which is great, but, for some reason, the elephants are still there, and the giraffes are gone. They shipped the giraffes off to the Tampa Zoo during the construction - I wonder how the hell you transfer a giraffe all the way to Florida. What kind of container do you put them in? Wouldn't they bump their heads on a highway bridge? And you know when they're ready to bring them back to the National Zoo, the giraffes are gonna be all, "Bitch, I ain't goin' back to Auschwitz."
I did manage to see an orangatan -- I learned the correct spelling is actually orang utan. I did not know that. I thought I would mention that before a certain pretentious gay blogger points it out. Anyway, he or she got its face very close to the cage, barfed something red and started eating it, using a stick as a spoon. They're very efficient with tools, y'know.
A number of animals died in the zoo from 1999-2004, which led to the appointment of a new director. Someone posted this to the Wikipedia entry about the zoo: "In 2005, the National Zoo appointed a new director, John Berry. Under his brief tenure, political celebrities such as Bill Frist (R-Tenn) and Senator Stevens (R-Alaska) have been seen regularly touring the zoo." No wonder the animals are depressed; idiots with bad toupees are patrolling their hood.
The National Zoo is one of the oldest zoos in the country and the conditions reflect that, but, in the best interest of the animals, maybe it's time for a complete overhaul. Send the animals to a happier zoo for a year and start over. Start charging an entrance fee to pay for it. It will prevent your nieces and nephews from asking, "Why are there no animals at the zoo?"
One animal I did see, that's not dead yet, is a meerkat. They're much smaller than they appear on Meerkat Manor!
Posted by durban bud at 10:26 PM | Comments (20)
April 24, 2007
A Life Lesson
Just remember - no matter how bad things are for you today, they could always be much, much, much worse.
And, for that, you should be thankful.
Posted by durban bud at 04:59 PM | Comments (10)
April 23, 2007
Friends Don't Let Friends Buy Rust-Colored Elements
Anyway, what an amazingly beautiful weekend it was. Have you ever noticed that spring smells a lot like strawberry fruit roll-ups? Seriously, take a whiff.
But all good things must come to an end.
Rob's sister and her 2 heathen children are staying with us for 4 days. Funny, I don't recall approving this field trip. The heathens are ages 11 and 13 - which, in Chinese, are the years of the incubus and pig, respectively.
I will be hiding in my cave.
Posted by durban bud at 11:27 AM | Comments (8)
April 20, 2007
Going Dutch
My sister is moving to... Amsterdam!
Her husband got a sweet job offer over there. This will be the 4th time they've moved because of his workaholic tendencies. She has never even been to Europe before and is pretty upset about the whole thing. I, on the other hand, couldn't be more thrilled. I have a great fondness for the Netherlands and will probably visit more than I did to Denver. She wants us to stay as long as we want with them. Really? I am bubbling in my panties. What better way to spend quality time with my two nephews and niece! I shall be their coffeeshop tour guide.
I mentioned when they are searching for homes to make sure they get a place with a Kato Kailen type guesthouse. She said she would look into it.
In other news, this is disturbing. I guess since they are remaking all horror movies from the past 30 years that this was ineveitable. I hope Rob Zombie doesn't fuck it up.
Tot straks!
Posted by durban bud at 02:31 PM | Comments (8)
April 19, 2007
Vagina Power
My friend Todd -- who has a habit of curb-dropping his friends due to his very own "Penis Power" -- tipped me off to this.
I guess it's from some cable access show. It's disturbingly hysterical cuz she's so serious about it. She really needs her own radio show. She also has a MySpace page.
Even though there's no profanity, really, it's prolly not a good idea to watch at work.
btw - That's her MOTHER sitting next to her, occasionally commenting.
Best line: " ...and we hooked on the penis power, but this man won't even buy you some shrrrrrimp from long john silver's for $2.99, but he'll give you a mouthful o' sperm and a rectum-ful o' sperm... and all he offerin' you is a side o' penis...well, that man ain't got no respect for you."
Posted by durban bud at 01:04 PM | Comments (13)
April 18, 2007
The Garbage Man
I was taking out the trash with two bags in my hands and my keys hanging out of my mouth. My older neighbor was at the trash bin. She said, "Every time I see you, you have something in your mouth." Ha. She was referring to the other day when I was unloading some bags from a car and had a soda bottle in my mouth -- I'm very resourceful, you see.
Anyway, I took the keys out of my mouth and said, "I always seem to have too many things in my hands." She said, "Well, it seems you have enough orifices to put things in."
Odd.
Posted by durban bud at 02:26 PM | Comments (6)
April 17, 2007
Madness
Jeezus - this kid sounds just like a Michael Meyers type - complete with "he would kind of be sitting at his desk, just staring at nothing." Creeeeeeepy.
I'm pretty anti-gun, but then I've never been the victim of a violent crime, really. I was eating at a restaurant downtown a few years ago, when a man walked in with his gun drawn as he was searching for someone. People were screaming, throwing chairs and hiding under tables. I remember feeling very numb. As we were trying to find a place to hide, I stood up and the gunman had his gun directly pointed at me. Rob grabbed me and threw me down in a corner. I was certain he was going to go around and shoot everyone. I kept thinking about that Luby's massacre, and, for some odd reason, the lyrics to Scritti Politti's "Perfect Way". I felt numb, not scared. After a few minutes, he finally took off. Almost everyone ran out, but we stayed and even paid our bill!
The only time I felt like having a gun was when my car was broken into 3 times. I wanted to put a cap in the culprit's ass or nuts - and if it were a female, I wanted to shoot her snatch. But that's probably harsh. I don't know, maybe a taser would be better, cuz then you could watch them squirm, take a video of it and put it on YouTube.
Anyway, there are some guns that make no sense to sell to anyone, and the whole gun show thing is completely fucked up.
The magnitude of the devastation was the direct result of having a gun(s). But can we really stop crazy people from getting guns? Like illegal drugs, they will find a way.
The bottom line is this was someone with a serious mental disorder, and how do you stop someone like that from snapping, if they're not monitored or seeking treatment? This could happen anywhere, at anytime. If it didn't happen on this campus, it's likely it would have happened somewhere else.
Obviously new precautions will and should be implemented, but I don't think there are any real solutions to this kind of madness.
Posted by durban bud at 12:00 PM | Comments (10)
April 16, 2007
Watersports
God took a giant piss on DC this weekend - or maybe it was his precocious son, Emmanuel. One of them did it, and they left the seat up.
It was a perfect weekend to stay in and work on my taxes.
Instead, we ordered a bunch of sushi with these boys, sans the harnesses, I think. We did something that's probably frowned upon by those who like their buns cooked fresh -- we ordered sushi for delivery. It is a bad idea to order sushi when you're hungry. They had to bring seven bags to carry it all. Oops. Oink.
We made our very own maki roll too. I was the wasabi - cuz I'm spicy!
Anyway, I haven't gotten tapeworm yet-- even after eating some salmon roll leftover in my fridge this morning. Mmmmm mmmm.
Today I helped a realtor friend out with an open house he was having. I had to get "dressed up" and wear a belt with "shoes" and a buttoned-down shirt that had to be "tucked in". Since I'm not licensed, I can't answer any questions. Instead, I serve as the lead cookie maker, and I make hand gestures like a Price is Right model. "And here is the exquisite Ubatuba granite countertops. Divine, isn't it?" And when someone says, "What is the square footage of this place," I say, "Would you care for a cookie?"
And here is a tip for y'all -- apparently the sphincter muscle tightens very hard when one coughs. It might be best to take an expectorant at certain times. You'll thank me.
Posted by durban bud at 12:24 AM | Comments (9)
April 13, 2007
More Than a Feeling
We're getting bids to paint our entire building. I met with a young painter the other day. While he was blabbering away about sanding, scraping and priming, I couldn't help but think, "I totally want to spank your cute little butt." His wife probably wouldn't appreciate that, but she needs to get over it. I think I'm gonna hire him.
Anyway, we feel it's time to get this building painted since it's quite the eyesore on the block, and the fact that we'll prolly put our place on the market soon enough.
We're considering a relocation in the near future. Despite the shitty winters, perhaps Boston. Or Chicago. Or Burlington. We shall see.
And if I end up in Boston, I wanna meet these mandies.
Posted by durban bud at 07:30 PM | Comments (10)
April 12, 2007
Rimming Don Imus
I'm guessing that would be less than pleasant. But I don't judge.
Anywho, you see a guy who is very attractive. He's beefy. He's burly. He's adorable. He's hot and could be described as a daddy. He describes himself as "masc". You take him at his word. And then he speaks, rather quickly. You swear he just said: "Sally sussed and pissed her panties on Ssssaturday, but not Sssunday, because Sssunday is the Ssssabbath."
"Masc" is relative, I suppose.
UPDATE: Oh, and big dicks are disgusting. NSFW.
Posted by durban bud at 11:48 AM | Comments (16)
April 09, 2007
Dirty Jobs
That guy from Dirty Jobs subjects himself to some disgusting work, but I can think of a couple other jobs that are less than desirable, that do not relate to feces and fish guts. How 'bout being a cameraman for that show, Intervention? I mean, you have to stand around filming someone completely destroying themselves and you can't stop them -- especially when filming a cutter. Plus, they tend to pick fights when they're all fucked up. Or maybe a cameraman for Deadliest Catch? Or maybe a spokesperson for that creepy administration? Anyway, I'm going to email Mike Rowe and offer him these suggestions for future episodes.
Planet Earth was great, once again - although this was the episode where they showed the elephant getting attacked by the lions. During that scene, I think Sigourney Weaver should have yelled, "Get away from her, you bitch!" That would have been cool.
Wanna know about my weekend??? Me neither.
Weekend in Review:
My parents arrived with their usual care package of soap, peanuts, maple syrup, toilet paper, diet pepsi and cream of corn. I accept all gifts, so I don't ask questions. Their stay was lovely. We watched The Devil Wears Prada.
It's cold in DC, so my hibernation is all out of whack.
Went to a lovely Easter gathering at Bob's. Many cute mens were in attendance. Good times. Jimbo was there. Carl was there too, so naturally I learned a lot about Manhunt, while munching on mac & cheese. That kid should host seminars!
Recently, DC water tastes like bleach.
In other news, I think I'm gonna become a dogwalker. At least then I'll know, going into it, that I'll be picking up shit and dealing with bitches and "attitude". Comparatively, it seems very peaceful.
Posted by durban bud at 05:47 PM | Comments (13)
April 06, 2007
He Lives
Everyone is all in a tizzy about the holiday weekend. For me, it brings back memories of a particular moment during an Easter church service. We were singing this for the umpteenth time:
"He lives, He lives
Chrisssssst Jesssssus lives today
He walks with me and talks with me
Along life's narrow way"
I started to black out. I sat down, told my parents something was wrong and projectile vomited boiled eggs all over the pew. My dad threw me over his shoulder and ran to the bathroom. Old women were screaming and clutching their pearls, as I dangled upside down on my dad's back. In between egg yolks, I would mutter, "He has risen."
I suppose it was God's Will.
Anyway, my parents are coming into town tomorrow - not for the holiday - just because it's cheaper to stay here than a hotel, on their way to the outer banks. I still plan to hide Easter baskets for them.
I hope your weekend brings back joyous childhood memories for you.
Posted by durban bud at 12:27 AM | Comments (18)
April 04, 2007
Rats in the Kitchen
Well, this is lovely. Rodents have been found at Baja Fresh, Mixtec, and Popeye's here in Washington. Not that surprising - I mean, Popeye's is right near The Crew Club on 14th Street. Not only is that place infested with rodents, but they've probably given crabs to the biscuits.
I do enjoy Baja Fresh, but mostly get my 1500-calorie burritos from Chipotle. And now I have a good reason to continue that tradition.
I've never heard of Mixtec, but it kinda looks like a place frequently visited by health inspectors.
I'm sure rats and some of their cousins are prevalent in other eating establishments throughout Washington; these were just the unlucky 3 that got caught that week. They should set up a webcam in the kitchen of that sketchy dive, Ruth's Chris Steak House. I have my suspicions about that one.
Posted by durban bud at 12:25 AM | Comments (10)
April 03, 2007
The Rape Omission
The Ten Commandments
1. And God spake all these words, saying,
I am the LORD thy God, which have brought thee out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage.
Thou shalt have no other gods before me.
2. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them: for I the LORD thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me; And shewing mercy unto thousands of them that love me, and keep my commandments.
3. Thou shalt not take the name of the LORD thy God in vain; for the LORD will not hold him guiltless that taketh his name in vain.
4. Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy.
Six days shalt thou labour, and do all thy work:
But the seventh day is the sabbath of the LORD thy God: in it thou shalt not do any work, thou, nor thy son, nor thy daughter, thy manservant, nor thy maidservant, nor thy cattle, nor thy stranger that is within thy gates:
For in six days the LORD made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that in them is, and rested the seventh day: wherefore the LORD blessed the sabbath day, and hallowed it.
5. Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee.
6. Thou shalt not kill.
7. Thou shalt not commit adultery.
8. Thou shalt not steal.
9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour.
10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbour's.
Missing: Rape, child abuse, assault, scat, this
Posted by durban bud at 09:09 AM | Comments (6)
April 01, 2007
The Pizza Boy: He Delivers Sssecrets
A man delivered a pizza to me last night. It was a surprise since I had not ordered one. I suppose it was delivered to the wrong address, but I was hungry, and quite frankly, people shouldn't make mistakes. I still tipped him, though.
Then I remembered that this must be The Sssecret, working its magical charms. I knew I would begin to receive gifts; I just wasn't expecting them so soon. But I don't question the wisdom of The Sssecret.
There were artichokes on it. I have never seen them on a pizza before. Unfortunately, there were no anchovies. And I do enjoy the 'chovies. I realize I'm like the only one, but I have an affection for all things salty and hairy. Maybe they will be on my next free pizza.
I had a couple slices and put the rest in the fridge. After that, the phone rang. Caller ID suggested it was the front door. I assume they were calling to "complain." So I didn't answer. I was full and tired and didn't feel like being bothered. There's already enough negativity in the world. They left a message about needing my "credit card number." Bitch, please. If you have a problem with it, take it up with the laws of attraction.
I wonder what else The Sssecret has in store for me.
btw, I was totally kidding about this! There were no artichokes.
Posted by durban bud at 11:59 PM | Comments (9)