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May 31, 2007
Big Gay Love
If I were in a polyamorous relationship, I think it would easier to pay my mortgage. Do gays have those? I know there are thruples and guys who get a regular amount of booty on the side, but are there households full of men who love and take care of each other (besides frat houses)? If so, are there communities -- like in Utah -- where this is common? I assume hot spots of homosexuality -- P-Town, Chelsea, San Fran, Baton Rouge -- probably have a few of these mens dens.
It might be entertaining to live with eight other guys in a relationship - four tops and four bottoms. There would be the neat freak, the cook, the horndog(s), the office manager, the landscaper, the caregiver, the brooding artist, and the Indian. It would be like Eight is Enough -- only with adults and no kids -- so I guess this version would be called Eight is Enough, Gurl. And Jimbo would be Nicholas.
The place would look fabulous. The meals would be delicious. The laundry would be Downy fresh (my job!). The sexual tension would be through the roof.
My only fears would be the drama, all the gonorrhea, and, of course, the chafing -- the same fears I had on that Atlantis Cruise! Still, the idea of all of us taking care of each other, paying all of my bills, and getting weekly pedicures, is intriguing. And once I saved up a good chunk of cash and paid off my real mortgage, I would leave the polyamorous lifestyle, like Screech leaving Celebrity Fit Club.
This weekend I'm having a slumber party with another gay couple. I consider this a babystep.
Posted by durban bud at 12:12 AM | Comments (22)
May 30, 2007
When You Care Enough to Send the Very Best
I love these e-cards. The first one should have been sent to me a year and a half ago. It was good advice. Check them out here and send me some!
Posted by durban bud at 11:36 AM
May 28, 2007
Do You Wanna Be a Cauliflower Bride?
Just got back from the beach. We left like 6 hours ago. Why is there one fucking road to Rehoboth? I realize construction is happening to open it to two lanes, but that will take years. Can't someone give helicopter rides so we can bypass all that nonsense? Anyway, I'm never traveling on a holiday again.
Weekend was pretty damn awesome. Our hosts -- who we met in a hot tub two years ago -- were very generous with us - even cooking all the meals! And the others staying there were just as lovely. We got to hang with this big lug of a bear, originally from West Virginia - raised Pentacostal! So we had some great growing up stories to share.
Here's what I know:
I finally met a foot fetishist! He said I have nice feet, which is surprising, cuz I haven't cut my toe nails in like 2 months. He wants to give me a foot rub. He promised not to jizz on them, so I'm totally up for it.
I hung out with a thruple! Naturally I had lots of questions, and they answered all of them. I suppose thruples look something like this.
I also found out that when you meet drunk gay guys for the first time, they kiss you on the lips when saying goodbye.
Gay couples from West Virginia have very large rings.
I met a really HOT chubby chaser. He was with his boyfriend.
I learned a couple new terms. "Baltimore conch" is the new "manpussy" for those from that region. I realize that's vulgar. I'm sorry. I'll stop.
Cauliflower hole is a term applied to guys who have overused that particular orafice, and y'all know exactly what I'm referring to. Ew.
Please fell free to use these terms, while at your cubicle today.
The hot-tubbers have an outdoor shower, which is fantastic! Rob took some photos while I was using it, with shampoo in my eyes. I'm not going to post them. I don't want this site to turn into one of those blogs, and, really, y'all don't need to see that. Ugh.
Went to the Double L
Can you tell, by the smell?
We had to buy Kwell
cuz we went to the Double L
I saw a guy who looked like Norman Fell
In a nutshell, it was swell
How swell
His T-shirt said, More Cowbell
The ocean water was freezing but I still managed to get in to relieve myself. There were porpoises swimming just a few feet from me. I considered grabbing one of their fins and riding it, but didn't, cuz I thought people would think I was weird.
Anyway, we had a blast. And we'll be going back there in a few weeks. I promise to take lots of pics. Please let me know if you own a helicopter. Thanks.
Posted by durban bud at 10:14 PM | Comments (19)
May 25, 2007
Movin' in Closely, Ready for the Kill
Everyone's in such a good mood today. I'll fix that.
Change of plans -- we are heading to the beach, hanging with the hot-tubbers! The weather is supposed to be in the upper 70's. The water is currently 59, so I won't be swimming -- not even to pee. :(
What are your plans?
Follow Salt 'N Pepa's advice this weekend (and send me photos):
But if a guy touch my body I just put him in check
I said, "We just met", "We can't do that yet"
I'm not a pick-up (no), this ain't a stick up (boy)
I'm not stuck up (yeah), and turn to kick up
And just rock, baby-pop, don't stop
Stick out your butt, and shake what you got
Posted by durban bud at 09:33 AM | Comments (12)
May 24, 2007
Sicko
Posted by durban bud at 02:26 PM | Comments (5)
May 23, 2007
Open Thread Wednesday
I saw Waitress last night. I loved it. It was witty, funny, simple and unpretentious. Since I'm a bit of a simpleton, it's right up my alley.
I have a woman crush on Keri Russell. She plays a woman in a bad marriage, who gets pregnant and has an affair with her doctor. Right up my alley!
So many affairs, so many open arrangements, so much horniness. I do believe men have this innate desire to spread their seed all over the motherfucking place, so keeping one contained may not be natural. That said, I do think two people can have a wonderful, monogamous relationship if they truly work at it and are honest about everything. I've seen all different kinds of relationships work and implode. So maybe we're just supposed to be single.
So, tell me, how is your open relationship going?
Posted by durban bud at 02:37 PM | Comments (15)
May 21, 2007
Rimming Tims
I went to a country/western bar last night called Rimming Tims. The purpose was to visit Mr. Bartender, while he was working, and spend some time with his boyfriend. Such nice boys.
Mr. Bartender has a blog. He doesn't update it. Apparently he's busy and has a "life" and doesn't "have time" to write anything. I can totally relate.
He played this video last night. It's been out for awhile but I hadn't seen it. It's only about a minute and good for a giggle.
I've only been to Rimming Tims a few times. It's always fun to watch a bunch of cowboys slow dancing to a Martina McBride song. One time a cowboy caught me giggling at the side of the dancefloor and pulled me onto the floor. I grabbed hold of a pole, "Noooooooooo." My friends egged me on and told me to broaden my horizons. So I did. He was very gentle with me, even as I stepped all over his big snake-skinned boots. Plus, he was super cute. I would have slept with him if I were slutty. But I'm not. Or am I?
Anyway, I don't giggle anymore. Tee-hee.
Posted by durban bud at 12:03 AM | Comments (12)
May 18, 2007
Extra-Virgin Bareback
Tos informed me that a couple guys went to G Books recently looking for some lube. They were taking that next step in their relationship - y'know, bareback. They asked the salesman what the best lube for that is and he recommended extra-virgin olive oil, microwaved for 30 seconds -- an odd choice, considering he doesn't sell that. So they tried it and said, "Something went horribly wrong." No explanation was given, but I have a pretty good idea. Gotta love that anal.
In other oily news...
During lunch today, the waitress brought us our food, while chatting on her cell phone. She put her friend on hold so she could set our food down. "Gurl, hode on. I got food in my hanes." Did I mention she was morbidly obese? A rather odd choice for a place called Health Bar.
Anyway, the awful death of Adrienne Shelly makes me sad. I was a big fan of her work in the early '90's: The Unbelievable Truth and Trust. It's nice to see her getting so much attention for Waitress. I hope to see it this weekend, bareback.
Posted by durban bud at 08:03 PM | Comments (11)
May 17, 2007
I Did Not Have Sexual Relations With That Dog
Tos asked me to check in on his new dog, while he and his boyfriend were working late. The dog suffers from separation anxiety, and has been letting the neighbors know. So I went over to visit poor Shelly.
Tos lives a few blocks away. It decided to pour the rain on my walk over. I was drenched. When I finally got there, the dog was like, "You smell like wet dog, dude."
Fine. Since I was to "spend some time" with the dog, I opted to dry my clothes there. I took off all my clothes, except for my boxers - I do have some modesty - plus, they weren't wet. I put them in the dryer. Good. All set for 40 minutes.
Shelly was relatively excited to see me when I first got there, but after about 5 minutes, she went to sleep in the other room. Rude. Cats and babies love me, but dogs, except this one, really don't enjoy me. I think they sense my cynicism. Or maybe they're just homophobic.
Anyway, I had plenty of time to kill. The dog had been walked earlier and it was raining hard, so I plopped down on their couch and called a friend on my cell.
Shelly wandered in, sniffed me, made some snarky comment about Mountain Fresh Downy, and rested by my feet.
Tos calls his boyfriend "Boo". Is that nauseating? I wouldn't know. I don't judge. I'll leave that up to the Lord.
Anyway, I heard key rummaging and the twisting of the doorknob. I look over and Boo catches my eye. I'm wearing nothing but a pair of boxers, sprawled out on their couch, with a dog looking awfully depressed by my feet.
Ruh-roh.
Posted by durban bud at 12:03 AM | Comments (14)
May 16, 2007
Lying Still in a Box, Going Nowhere, Nothing Happening
Oops
Oh, the irony.
I really have nothing to add so I'll let TMZ do it for me.
Jerry Falwell 1933-2007
We should all dress up like Tinky Winky and head over to Liberty University to pay our respects.
Posted by durban bud at 10:01 AM | Comments (7)
May 15, 2007
Rhonda
Everyone has been posting photos of their new puppy or pussy or gay lover or whatnot -- so I thought I would post a photo of Rhonda. She's my granny cart.
After years of trekking twenty bags of groceries down the street from Fucking Safeway®, I finally succumbed. Of course I found out she's not big enough to haul all of it, but it will have to do for now.
I am perfectly comfortable with my sexuality, so pushing Rhonda down the street is very manly to me. It takes a strong man to admit that, sometimes, he does need a little help. Plus, I can now stop and chat. I can wave and smile at babies. I can pop into JR's with Rhonda and do a little browsing. It's a win, win, win.
This means, since I walk everywhere, I won't be exposed to all the rude drivers in DC -- except when they try to run me over, of course. And usually this happens cuz they're talking or texting on their cell phones while driving - which is illegal in DC, people! Stop it.
Posted by durban bud at 12:04 PM | Comments (14)
May 12, 2007
Switch
When I was a wee young boy, I was routinely exposed to such expressions as "I'm gonna whoop the tar out of you" and "I'm gonna skin you alive". Luckily that never happened, as it would have led to some discomfort while sun-bathing on the beach. Plus, I don't have any tar in me -- that I know of -- so the threat was moot.
I was spanked, though -- never beaten, just lightly paddled. I told my mom that that led to my homosexuality. She disagrees, and thinks that all the chocolate Nesquik mix I ate out of the container led to my affection for man-butt - although she didn't phrase it like that.
When my mom was punished as a kid, she was forced to pick a twig from a tree and endure her switching. Those southerners can be so mean. There's some evil hidden behind those perky smiles, fresh-baked apple pies, and speaking in tongues.
I just ordered her some flowers for Mother's Day, which is very kind of me, considering. She's going to accuse me of waiting too late to send her a card, forcing me to spend too much money on flowers. She knows me so well.
I think there should be a Gay Children's Day. We should be honored too for our spectacular existence. We're a very unique breed, y'know. Plus, I deserve some fucking flowers every year. Or, at least, a card.
Posted by durban bud at 11:16 AM | Comments (17)
May 11, 2007
Coffee & Cameltoes
Courtesy of MSNBC.
Happy Mother's Day!
The quaint hotel we stayed at in Providence had fancy-schmancy scales in the bathrooms. And that's just cruel. It's now apparent I will have to forgo the bikini at the beach this summer. :(
Posted by durban bud at 11:26 AM | Comments (7)
May 10, 2007
Kermit Goes to Rehab
Since I don't listen to the radio except when in a car rental (not PT Cruisers!), I have to find other outlets for new music. I'm finding the majority of new music I've downloaded I discovered on Letterman. That's where I first heard Brazilian Girls, Shiny Toy Guns and Amy Winehouse. The gays love Amy Winehouse. I assume it's because of her tattoos and blatant alcoholism. I'll admit she is a refreshing voice and style compared to all the shit forced upon us lately.
I went to visit my cousin in rehab recently -- it's a popular trend, y'know -- and listened to Amy's anti-rehab song on the way there. There's some irony there, I think. It's a great song, nonetheless.
My cousin's mother emailed me this link and asked me what I thought it meant. She said he showed her this video before he left for rehab. Hmmm. I'm glad I'm the go-to guy for self-destructive muppet themes. Anyway, it's awfully depressing and probably not a good thing to show a concerned mother -- although it's surely interesting.
Speaking of kermit, our favorite sexpert has tipped us off to this new term:
kermit
"*To kermit is to run away screaming, with one's arms flailing above one's head. The etymology should be obvious."
I have seen this behavior firsthand. One drunken evening a few years ago, I got talked into doing karaoke at Badlands. A bunch of drag queens had just performed a number of Celine Dion ballads, and were very serious with their execution. I got up on the stage and "sang" Green Day's "When I Come Around". I cleared the room. Boys were kermitting out of the place. One drag queen threw her compact at me.
I haven't done karaoke since.
Posted by durban bud at 12:51 PM | Comments (10)
May 09, 2007
Money Laundering
If you could scratch and sniff that photo of me over there, you would likely smell Mountain Fresh Downy probably mixed with a little BO.
I don't wear cologne, but am routinely asked why I smell so lovely and fresh. I wonder if I may be using too much fabric softener. The other day a sales clerk, standing a good 3 feet from me, asked, "What are you wearing?" "Um, Bounce, I think."
When you live with someone, you take on various domestic duties, obviously. One of my roles is the clothes launderer. I don't clean the place very much -- cuz, apparently, I don't do it well. Whatever. That's fine. See - I'm not so anal, ironically.
Anyway, I highly recommend the launderer role. It's a fantastic way to make a little income under the table, while sifting through your partner's pockets. I've made hundreds throughout the years. Shhhhh. I look at it as God's way of tipping me for doing an outstanding job washing someone's man panties. Or maybe it's The Ssscret, continuing to reward me financially.
Sometimes you'll find gum - which is gross. Other times you'll find phone numbers, condoms, pills, "baggies", ben wah balls - all of which make for riveting dinner conversations - but mostly you'll find tens and twenties.
So if you're at that stage in your relationship when you're deciding on roles (cooking, plant caregiver, top, bottom, toilet cleaner, prison guard, inmate, etc) -- make sure you choose the launderer gig. You'll be richer for it.
Posted by durban bud at 09:14 AM | Comments (14)
May 08, 2007
Carrie Underwood Promotes Vandalism
While at the car rental place the other day, some woman with a thick Boston accent had the audacity to say, "We have a number of PT Cruisers available if you would rather rent one of those cahs." What a bitch. Do I look like I would drive a hearse? I just glared at her, hoping she'd realize the error of her ways. Eventually she did.
We got into our normal car and began our tour of New England. I did something I haven't done in years; I listened to the radio. Apparently, there are only about 5 artists out right now. It's no wonder regular radio is on its way out. Here is what can be found at any given moment on the radio: Akon, Pink, Justin Timberlake, Nelly Furtado, Gwen Stefani and Carrie Underwood. Within two minutes, I heard Carrie's song playing on 4 different stations. It gave me time to listen to her lyrics:
"And he don't know...
That I dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped up 4 wheel drive,
carved my name into his leather seats.
I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights,
slashed a hole in all 4 tires.
Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats."
Someone needs some anger management classes. Wasn't her last song some Christian inspirational ditty called, "Jesus Take the Wheel Cuz I've Had Too Many Wine Coolers" or something? Now she's encouraging vandalism. What would Jesus think? Would you key his sandals if he did you wrong? Whore.
A couple other lines:
"He's probably buying her some fruity little drink cause she can't shoot whiskey." Cuz "shooting whiskey" is so sexy. Lush.
"She's probably up singing some white-trash version of Shania karaoke." You've just defined yourself while insulting your entire audience -- though they won't understand that.
She's a future Proactiv spokesperson who's causing damage to millions of trucks, SUVs, and PT cruisers around the country. Someone needs to stop this Walmart-loving egomaniac.
I'll probably download her song later today.
Posted by durban bud at 07:50 AM | Comments (9)
May 06, 2007
Providence
I've basically been on a mini New England tour since Thursday.
I went to a wedding on Saturday in Bristol. The DJ played The Copacabana. There was a conga line. And that's all I'm gonna say about that.
Right now I'm in Providence, Rhode Island. It's very quiet here. I haven't seen Melina Kanakaredes or her dead mother yet, but I'm keeping my eyes open.
Here are some photos of the city.
Portsmouth, New Hampshire:
John McCain kicked off his latest presidential campaign on this stage a few weeks ago. I paid homage.
Posted by durban bud at 10:47 PM | Comments (13)
May 02, 2007
The Perfect Wedding Gift
I don't usually buy wedding presents. That's probably why I'm rarely invited to such events. The fact that I'm wearing a suit is a present in itself, I think. Wedding gifts should be given with a probationary period of time rule. If the marriage lasts for five years, then you can keep the Crate and Barrel gift card. If not, you must return it immediately when your divorce is finalized.
But that's now going to change.
A delicious dessert spotted by the blog blog via Dan Savage will be my customary wedding gift from now on. Nothing says congratulations on your lifetime commitment better than a chocolate anus. It's memorable, original and appropriate.
It's too late to get this for the wedding I'm attending on Saturday -- the store says they are not taking any more orders until October -- but I'm told I have a year from the wedding date to get them their present.
I'm bummed I didn't think of this idea first. I suppose I could still do my own variation and call it Butt Munch. I could add a creamy caramel center, or maybe some crushed nuts along the delicate folds, or maybe some tiny fruit balls to simulate hemmorhoids or something. The possibilities are endless!
I wonder whose hole was molded to create the design. I could probably get plaster casts from some popular bloggers to help drive my sales. You could choose a hole to your liking: the Copperred hole, the Bob Mould hole, the Homer hole, and, of course, the Jimbo hole -- although one bite into that chocolate produces a burst of bitter flavors, yet still very tasty. Sales would go through the roof!
If any venture capitalists are interested, please email me.
Posted by durban bud at 12:49 AM | Comments (19)
May 01, 2007
Horny Hypocrites
1. The most shocking revelation to come out of this sad man's scandal isn't that he bypassed the World Bank's rules regarding promotion and pay practices; it's that a woman allowed this cretin to put his greasy biscuit into her easy-bake juice oven. I mean, how desperate do you have to be? She probably graduated from Regent University. I'm sure he's very tender as he jackhammers the bejesus out of you, but remember who that vampire squid from hell belongs to. I'm all for sleeping your way to the top, if necessary, but have some goddamn integrity.
2. Which leads me to Randall Tobias -- deputy secretary of State and the Bush administration's AIDS czar. He resigned last week after admitting he used an escort service on a regular basis, "but only to have gals come over to the condo to give me a massage." Gals? Odd. He oversaw global AIDS funding, and was in charge of enforcing a controversial policy that required groups to sign a pledge denouncing prostitution and sex trafficking in order to receive federal HIV/AIDS prevention money. He's also married with four children.
Someone very close to me worked for an international women's organization that lost most of its funding due to this douchebag. They assist women and girls in impoverished countries with educational opportunities and access to HIV/AIDS and family planning information. Tobias wanted them to focus entirely on teaching abstinence and nothing on birth control. In fact, they were required to remove any reference to "family planning" from all of their literature. These women are considered property in their countries so "just saying no" isn't a realistic option.
So while this married Christian father was ruining a number of these organizations and hindering the poor women of these countries from receiving life saving information, he was getting his pud pulled by a bunch of prostitutes. There should be stiff (har har) penalties for this kind of hypocrisy. He should have to forfeit his penis to one of those villages so a family of 14 can eat for an evening.
3. And then there's this piece of work: Wayne Russell Morgan Jr. He's the associate vice president of academic affairs at Friends University, which is a Christian college, where, I guess, Lisa Kudrow is a professor of Creationism, who teaches that the world was created by some fairy dust in seven days and that dinosaurs were just some cruel hoax concocted by a bunch of feminazis. You also learn butter churning. Anyway, he was charged with using the Internet to solicit sex with a 15-year-old several times over the course of a year. Oh yeah, he's married with children. Oops. Guess Sunday School's gonna be awkward next week.
Speaking of massages, this whore needs a good rolfing. The news lately has made me very tense.
Posted by durban bud at 11:05 PM | Comments (7)
Homosexual Marriage
I'm going to a heterosexual wedding in Rhode Island this weekend. I haven't been to a wedding in years. They always seem a bit contrived to me - like, you know they're totally gonna say yes.
The truth is most of my straight friends live out of state, or they've already been married and divorced, or they haven't found their soulmate yet, or they eloped (which is fantastic!), or they're whores.
And I've never been invited to a gay wedding. Rude. Even my parents were invited to one - back in 1988! As I said before, those Rochestarians are so progressive.
Anyway, I'm ambivalent about the whole marriage thing. If it were legal for me, at this point, I'm not sure I would sign up. But I wouldn't rule it out either. The rights a couple is granted in a marriage are definitely desirable; I can see why the gays are actively pursuing it. It's that whole ownership seal that's placed on a relationship that is disconcerting - like a GLAD Press'N Seal. I sleep better with the door ajar. Or maybe I fear the jinx factor.
I'm Oprah; she's Steadman - only without the money. :(
I haven't done a catty online poll in awhile, so let's see where we're all at.
FYI- If you're living with someone and not married or unioned, I consider that a domestic partnership.
UPDATE: Mr. Barometer posted this map on interracial marriages and which states had laws against it. Notice those states that are slow on enlightenment. Not surprising. It will mirror gay marriage in a few years, and within 20 years, I think it will be legal in most states.
Previous polls:
Foreskin
Sexual roles
Cities with the Hottest Guys
Posted by durban bud at 01:43 AM | Comments (15)