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July 31, 2007
Scissor Sisters
This was one of the best episodes of South Park from last season. Here's a clip:
Do people actually scissor? And if two women can do it, then why not two men? I guess it would be kinda painful, but isn't most gay sex?
I'm totally gonna scissor you the next time I see you.
Here are some reactions to scissoring:
Clickboo:
Carolyn Kepcher:
Bill O'Reilly:
Jimbo:
Laura Bush:
Posted by durban bud at 9:39 PM | Comments (17)
July 30, 2007
She Bangs
Supposedly this is what I would look like on The Simpsons. I remain skeptical. I had to upload a number of my photos to this little marketing tool to create this character. The site kept saying, "Error, we do not recognize a face in this photo." Thanks! More proof that I am not photogenic, especially since computers don't lie. I tried to add a baseball cap, but it wouldn't work, and frankly, I'd devoted too much time to it already.
I didn't see the Simpsons movie over the weekend, but I did see Harry Potter and the Odor of the Penis. I didn't understand it, but the effects were cool. It seems every respected British actor is being cast in these films. I suspect Vanessa Redgrave, Peter O'Toole, and Amy Winehouse will be featured in the upcoming installments.
Had dinner over in Capitol Hill Saturday night. It's looking really nice over there. Lots of restaurants with outdoor seating are popping up all over 8th Street. We ate at the Banana Cafe, cuz I wanted to try some Puerto Rican food, to see what Ricky Martin ate while growing up. Apparently he ate a lot of plantains. They put them in everything. No wonder she bangs.
Trying to find parking back in Dupont at midnight proved to be futile. We had to park in Maryland and walk back. I hear a lot of people talking about the demise of 17th Street, but it was bustling with blondes in cocktail dresses, angertwinks and some women, too.
We stopped at Rimming Tims earlier; Mr. Bartender loaded it me up with lots of Diet Coke, so I had to urinate badly. I stopped at McDonald's to unload. The bathroom was locked. I told one of the employees, and she was all, "Usted debe comprar algo utilizar el cuarto de baño." So I said, "Okay, I'll have a caramel sundae." I asked how much it was. "$1.10." Really? I haven't paid under 3 dollars for anything since 1995. This McDonald's place is fantastic! Granted, it was probably made with e-coli, but it was still very tasty. Suddenly, everything seemed right with the world.
As I continued my long walk home, a bird shit on me.
Posted by durban bud at 12:29 PM | Comments (9)
July 26, 2007
Twitter, a Parody
If I still had Netflix, I would totally rent Saturn 3. about 15 minutes ago from web
Made a smoothie with blueberries, soy milk, and a banana. Also added a protein boost. about 2 hours ago from web
Rob was just about done reading Harry Potter, but realized the book was missing 33 pages. about 6 hours ago from text
Just woke up. Had a dream I was playing poker with Jesus and Amy Ray from the Indigo Girls. Amy kept humming "Shame on You" to Jesus. I won. about 7 hours ago from web
Made a poop. Only took 3 wipes. Who knew watermelon seeds were so indestructible! They should make airplanes out of them. 07:43 AM July 25, 2007 from text
Touched myself inappropriately. 05:32 PM July 24, 2007 from text
Checked out We, Like Sheep's site. Still don't understand what the ביתחולים he's talking about. 11:32 AM July 23, 2007 from web
@ Copperred - The Crew Club is open 24 hours, I believe. 05:31 PM July 22, 2007 from text in reply to copperred
Wrote a song. Goes like this: Eatin' liver, eaten fries, eatin' things still alive. Regurgitate, Regurgitate. If you don't like what you ate, why don't you regurgitate. Regurgitate, Regurgitate. It's just a rough draft. 11:21 AM July 22, 2007 from web
That Kathy Griffin is a hoot! She's coming to DC in September. Can someone hook me up with tix and backstage passes? Thx. 10:31 PM July 21, 2007 from web
Brushed my teeth with a new toothbrush. I think I need veneers. 07:12 AM July 21, 2007 from text
*The real Twitter is here.
Posted by durban bud at 1:18 PM | Comments (8)
July 25, 2007
First They Came
When the heterosexuals moved into our neighborhoods,
I remained silent;
I was not a realtor.
When they pushed their strollers down our streets,
I remained silent;
I was not a parent.
When they started wearing our Lucky Jeans,
I did not speak out;
I was not a fashionista.
When they came for our favorite sex practice,
I finally spoke out, "Bitch, you've got your own hole for THAT, back off! Leave us something."
I'm not surprised anymore.
Posted by durban bud at 12:20 AM | Comments (10)
July 23, 2007
Harry Potter & My Vanishing Sex Life
Apparently, Harry Potter is more important than making sweet, sweaty butt-love with me tonight. Fine. Whatever. I'll just go work on my latch-hook rug or something.
I hope he dies in this book, so I never have to endure this alienation of affection again.
UPDATE: But I, apparently, still have mad seduction powers. I'm the real Wizard!
Labels: TMI, geekslut, none of your business, butt lovin', Harry Potter, I rule, harder, magical powers, Dagon, high-five
Posted by durban bud at 10:00 PM | Comments (21)
July 20, 2007
The Atlantis Bag is the New Rainbow Bumper Sticker
This week has gone swimmingly.
I'm heading up to NYC to attend a funeral. Rob's grandfather passed away. Sad, but expected; he was 93.
I have to wear a suit. Sad, but expected. I don't have a garment bag, so I shall be stuffing it in my Atlantis Cruise bag, that they handed out for free during our trip with them. I'm very classy, y'know. They're actually quite handy for small trips.
Carrying around an Atlantis bag pegs me as a homosexual (for those in the know), which is cool; it's like a secret handshake.
Rob is already there. He says the house is full of food. It's interesting that people bring a lot of food over after a death. Nothing eases the pain quite like getting fat. I've used the word 'quite' twice already. I'm quite gay! Quite, quite, quite. Anyway, I'm totally bringing some tupperware to load up on all that food. It musn't go to waste, and our fridge is empty!
Gotta catch a train.
Quite.
Posted by durban bud at 4:53 PM | Comments (13)
July 19, 2007
Ghosts
This woman sees dead people. I think she's looking at one right now. Do you believe her? Cuz I don't.
Sometimes God speaks to me and tells me to watch The Montel Williams Show. Such an angry God, she is. This psychic is always on, telling people what their dead relatives are doing on the other side, or, just by looking at them, telling them if they will heal from cancer.
Her name is Sylvia Brown. I'm fairly certain if Miss Piggy were humanized and aged, she would be Sylvia Brown. It also explains why she mutters "High-yah!" after a reading.
She makes her money off gullible people. And it's obvious she is a long-time smoker. I guess she doesn't see cancer in her own future.
It would be wonderful to possess psychic abilities and talk to ghosts, but I doubt that's possible. I need substantial proof.
Some friends of mine have claimed to have seen a ghost, but I think it has more to do with lighting, creaky pipes, intoxication and coincidence.
If ghosts exist -- which they don't -- I can't wait to be one. I have so many people I want to haunt. I will spend all of my time in your bedroom, just watching and giggling. I will watch you poop. I will hum Tom's Diner in your ear all night. I will hide your lube. I will snap your jockstrap. And I will do all of this with my ghost friend, Kurt Cobain.
Do y'all believe in ghosts or psychics? Prove me wrong!
Posted by durban bud at 12:39 PM | Comments (21)
July 18, 2007
New Snizz Power from Alexyss Tylor
Prolly not a good idea to watch at work, unless you work for NOW or something.
Posted by durban bud at 2:26 PM | Comments (11)
July 16, 2007
The Saliva Pit
I think it would be cool if Bob or Rich played Prince's Batdance some night at Blowoff. I've got some moves I'd like to throw down to that song. Plus, a lot of those Big Muscle Bears are posting their "Which Superhero Are You?" results on their profiles. So it would probably go over well in that type of setting. The demand is clearly there.
Something unusual occurs on the floor at about 1:00 am. A small area in front of the left side of the stage turns into a saliva pit. Shirts are pulled off and boyfriends push their boyfriends into the pit, where the grass is green and the cold sore puss flows freely. There is lots of tonsil wrestling, swinger-style. It's a bonding of the lips. The bonding is so strong, a vortex sucks you in even if you fight it, and you find yourself really getting to know the other swingers. The next day, your vagina itches.
I did notice something troubling. Jockstraps can be very sexy, except when they look like this. Then they look like male Spanx, holding your belly in tightly. And when you're letting your pants fall lower and your male Spanx move up your back for everyone to see, it becomes less than pleasant to witness. You're not playing badminton at the club, so leave these male Spanx at home. You'll be glad you did.
We watched these two shirtless men gyrating their butts together. One guy bent over while the other one laid his back on his. Another man approached and started pinching the guy's nipples. They were clearly enjoying themselves.
The Sarge was like, "WHO is that guy?" "Oh, that's Rob's therapist. Interesting, huh?" When the therapist noticed Rob, he said hi. I said, "I'm sure you've heard a lot about me." Then I tweaked his nipples and said, "Too bad they're all lies. Enjoy your evening."
I met a couple readers of this site there. I could only say, "I'm sorry" and hug them.
A huge surprise came later in the evening when Sarah and her girlfriend popped in to say hi. It was lovely to meet them. I hope they weren't too scared by The Saliva Pit. I believe they witnessed some things.
I hadn't been to Blowoff in awhile, so it was nice to go back. We went with Mr. Bartender and the Sarge, but ran into several bloggers -- hovering around The Saliva Pit, not surprisingly -- including Dumbek, Dinger, Jimbo, A-Ron, Clickboo, Cynically Optimistic.
"This town needs an enema!"
Posted by durban bud at 11:07 PM | Comments (12)
July 14, 2007
Gay with Pay
This man's wife must be beaming with pride today.
If someone came into my stall, unwanted, I would turn around and pee on him. I would piss the words "Get Out, Perv!" all over his chubby little face.
It's kind of creepy to pursue a stranger in a bathroom, but it's just as creepy for someone to engage the man if he had no interest. What was the point? What if the guy never offered any money, what would the cop have done? You can read the cop's account of events from the report.
That said, the guy's a douche and deserves to have the spotlight on his hypocrisy.
But if someone offered me $20 to suck my durban pud, I would be a fool not to consider how many songs I could download on iTunes with that. It's really a win-win.
And if the guy's repulsive, I'd just close my eyes and think of my porn crush -- who, by the way, was featured all over Kathy Griffin's show this week. Did you see him? He was in the front row of the audience, and onstage, during the porn awards she was hosting. He was adorable and always smiling, probably thinking about the money he made giving all those blowjobs. I was beaming with pride.
Posted by durban bud at 12:25 AM | Comments (14)
July 11, 2007
My Name is Luka
Today is Suzanne Vega's birthday. How did you celebrate?
One way to pay tribute is by annoying a co-worker. Start humming Tom's Diner over and over in your cubicle. The lyrics go something like this:
"Duh duh duh du duh du du duh du du da duh da duh duh duh da"
I guarantee they'll start humming it later on when they're at the printer. And they'll think of you.
Her best song is Left of Center from the Pretty in Pink soundtrack. It's my theme, y'know.
She's 48. Praise her.
Start humming now.
"It is always nice to see you says the man behind the counter to the woman who has come in, she is shaking her umbrella ella ella eh eh eh..."
Posted by durban bud at 5:50 PM | Comments (15)
July 10, 2007
Go See Alice
I went to the pharmacy to drop off a prescription, and I ran into Jimbo, sitting patiently waiting for his pills, like a furry Judy Garland. It wasn't surprising to run into another blogger at a pharmacy, since we're always in so much goddamn pain.
So we're all, "Hey gurl, you refillin' your Lunesta or Levitra?" "No, gurl- I've moved on to See Alice, cuz I think she'll know."
I'm just kidding. We don't talk like that. We're way too masc. Know what I'm sayin'?
Actually, Jimbo said he was getting antibiotics, but I suspect that's code for fissure ointment.
Remember like 10 years ago when there was no Ambien or Lunesta or Viagra or See Alice? And we actually had to fall asleep on our own, or just deal with having drunk dick?!?
We're so fucking spoiled.
Except me.
What I don't understand is why Tylenol PM is available over-the-counter and Lunesta requires a prescription. If both drugs depress activity in the part of the brain that controls sleep, aren't they -- in a sense -- doing the same thing? The sad thing is, I took a college course on how the brain functions. I recall nothing.
It's a good thing I'm dealing with my Adult ADD now, pharmacologically.
Posted by durban bud at 3:53 PM | Comments (9)
July 8, 2007
Sordid Lives
A friend of mine calls me and says, "Dude, you're not gonna believe this-- the guy I was with last night shit all over me! Do you want to grab some dinner later?"
So we went out to dinner. I'm a sucker for sex horror stories.
Anyway, we just back from a week long gig in Rehoboth. Welcome home!
A good friend of ours rented a beach house for a week, and he was kind enough to invite us along. We met several other gay boys from Charlotte, NC, who were staying at the house. I love those southern gays. So funny and sweet and good at cooking and the piano. It was a wonderful time with wonderful people.
Rehoboth was full of kids, homos and even a few trannies. The first day at the beach we saw a bunch of trannies parading in the water, with their tits hanging out, taking pictures. This started a pointing and snickering frenzy with the children. I told a few of the kids, "Don't be fooled; she has a dick."
There were also tons of lesbians there. Why does every lesbian seem to have a black lab? Is this a prerequesite, like field hockey? What's wrong with beagles? Just curious.
I also learned there are two types of gay guys: those that think the movie "Sordid Lives" is the funniest movie ever; and those that don't laugh at all. I belong in the latter category. I have never not laughed so hard in my life -- except that one time I caught "Last Call with Carson Daly." I don't think there is an in-between on that film. Just thought I'd put that out there.
Here are some pics from the week.
The fireworks are so different every year:
Morning View 2:
Seeking activity partners:
Posted by durban bud at 10:35 PM | Comments (18)
July 6, 2007
Morning View
Rehoboth Beach
Friday, 2pm
Posted by durban bud at 4:40 PM | Comments (12)