« July 2007 | Main | September 2007 »
August 31, 2007
Sexytime
I've noticed several sites -- mostly forums -- using my photo of the Union Station restroom where Larry Craig also allegedly engaged in toe-tapping. Democratic Underground and The Free Republic are the chief offenders. Where's my goddamn credit, bitches? You don't think I do this shit for free, do you?
Oh. Wait.
Like most people, I spent a good part of the week contemplating how often Larry Craig has sex with his wife. My guess is never. Her poor cooter. **crickets**
Anyway, I often wonder how many times people have sex within the week. It's this kind of thinking, which has probably led to my site being filtered and blocked from most offices and Panera Bread's. It's probably also led to some eye-rolling by the self-righteous and pure.
For most partnered people, I think 3-4 times a week is healthy, but probably not feasible with most work schedules, so I'm gonna say, at least once a week; otherwise people get crabby and exhibit symptoms of Intermittent Explosive Disorder.
With Manhunt, Craigslist and toe-tapping, single men and women are surely getting more these days, if they want.
How often are you getting your muffin buttered? And what do you think the norm should be for you?
OMG, open thread Labor Day edition, baby!
Posted by durban bud at 08:54 AM | Comments (24)
August 30, 2007
It's a World of Hopes and a World of Dreams
When I was a young budding gay boy, I routinely sang "It's a Small World After All" on the school bus with a few other girls (budding fag hags, no doubt). Sometimes the bus would get really quiet, and people would just stare and listen.
Eventually I was hit with a spitball.
Anyway, it is a small world, indeed.
I was reading this article about Ms. Craig's gay drama, and noticed a quote from American University professor, William Leap. That was the guy who got me into the study-abroad program in Amsterdam. I discussed him in this post. Oh, the fun we had there!
As I have mentioned before, we are only separated by 2 degrees in the gay world. Eventually we will all know each other.
Posted by durban bud at 09:59 AM | Comments (2)
August 28, 2007
Tap Twice to Teabag
I swear, I learn more about kinky gay sex rituals from married Republicans than I do from Geekslut.
So there is a toe tapping mating call? Has anyone heard of this before? Anyone?
When rumors about Ms. Craig's affection for lavatory lewdness at Union Station were revealed last year, I took a photo of the restroom he frequented. I was with my mom at the time, and she's like, "What in the hell (pronounced: hail) are you a-doin'? I raised you better than that." I said, "I'm educating the masses." Now she understands.
First off - if I can tell someone is taking a dump in a stall, I move as far away from the stall as possible or leave. It makes me very uncomfortable. And all I wanna do is urinate. Who shits next to each other? Oh yeah - Republicans.
Secondly - how is it even remotely sexy to fuck around in a public bathroom? E-coli is everywhere! And there are no pillows!
Having anonymous sex is so not a turn-on for me. I need passion! Or, I need to have at least seen your work in a Raging Stallion film.
If mug shots are any indication, I'm not missing out on anything.
Makes you kinda wonder what George and Laura do for kinks. Okay, maybe not -- but think about it anyway.
Posted by durban bud at 05:14 PM | Comments (16)
August 27, 2007
Blue Velvet
I dated a guy back in 1995 who told me he "loves" to give massages. I thought for sure I had won the lottery: cute, smart, funny, and he loves to rub my sore, tender, tight muscles. Let's get gay married!
That myth lasted a couple months. I'm convinced he just said that so he could ease me into sodomy. And it totally worked.
Anyway - even though I'm still not getting massages from him - we did celebrate our latest anniversary this past weekend. Apparently there's more to relationships than just back rubs.
Last week I watched a movie called Disturbia on DVD. About halfway through the movie, I thought to myself, what is in a Red Velvet cake that makes it red? So I googled it. Turns out it's just red food coloring.
I have an idea! I'll change it up and make a Blue Velvet cake in honor of our impending analversary.
So I did my best Homer and baked a cake. Truthfully I don't recall ever eating a Red Velvet cake, so I had no idea what to expect. At first, the batter was vomit green. So I alternated putting purple, pink and blue food coloring into it, and I finally got it to turn blue(ish).
We went back to the restaurant where we had our first date, Cafe Luna (which used to be a nice, cozy and clean place - not sure what the hell happened), for half-price pizza night. It's relatively cheap. And I was always a cheap date. Still am. However, if you take me out for some high-priced quality sushi AND give me a massage, I will totally patty-cake your prostate.
Afterwards, we sampled my smurf cake. Rob said, "I think cakes are supposed to be moist." So we have plenty left over if you want some.
Ugh.
Posted by durban bud at 06:18 PM | Comments (24)
August 26, 2007
The Children Are Our Future
Posted by durban bud at 07:57 PM | Comments (10)
August 23, 2007
Every Gay Boy Loves Chris Meloni & Alexyss Tylor
And Chris Meloni will be giving us some love back, at the Empire State Pride Agenda's Fall Dinner in NYC.
Road trip!
I think I may have to go to this, although I think you have to dress up or look "presentable" - not sure about that.
Also... every gay boy's favorite actress, Mary Louise Parker, will be there. Love her!
It's a homosexual's wet dream! All you NYC boys better go support your peeps.
In the meantime, please enjoy Alexyss Tylor's latest wisdom on gay hustlers. It would be great if the Pride Agenda would have her emcee the event.
UPDATE: A cute blogger sent me a couple NSFW links of Mr. Meloni and Brian Bloom (remember him?!?) in a shower scene from Oz. Maybe you've seen them, but I hadn't. Enjoy.
Naughty Link 1
Naughty Link 2
Posted by durban bud at 10:41 AM | Comments (17)
August 22, 2007
Defying Believability
One of my favorite bloggers in Christ (BIC) said it best:
"It's fine if people want to have a cyber persona or create their own cyber mythology, but getting involved with real people in real life based on a fake identity isn't cool." Amen.
Pretty soon, some people will begin to question these extraordinary claims and maybe even investigate. And if A, B, C and D prove to be false, you will be called out on it -- ESPECIALLY if A and B involve accusations of murder and cancer. Amen.
I wasn't invested, so I don't care that much. Some people will believe what they want anyway, even if the facts are at odds with the stories. But, for me, I'd rather watch Boy Shakira on YouTube.
You do know he's not really Shakira, right?
Amen.
Posted by durban bud at 12:41 AM | Comments (17)
August 20, 2007
May Cause Gambling
Like most people, I spent the weekend pondering what it must feel like to suffer from Restless Leg Syndrome. Some friends of mine believe they may have this affliction. But isn't shaking your leg just a symptom of anxiety?
Anyway, there is a new commercial for a RLS drug called Mirapex. The commercial explains one of the potential side effects is compulsive gambling. Hmm. Really? How is that even possible? This might explain the huge line of Ethiopians at the Korean store stocking up on lottery tickets. I shouldn't sigh so loud when waiting behing them in line; they're just suffering from Restless Leg Syndrome.
The website for Mirapex says: "Some people who take MIRAPEX can become sleepy or fall asleep while doing normal everyday activities like driving a car....There are reports of some people having hallucinations (seeing, hearing, feeling, smelling, or tasting something that does not actually exist) while taking MIRAPEX."
It's good to see LSD is now available by a prescription.
The commercial also says to consult your doctor if you notice yourself having intense sexual urges.
LSD with a hint of meth!
Clever marketing. I have a feeling we're going to see several more people suddenly suffering from this disease. Invest in Boehringer Ingelheim Pharmaceuticals today.
Posted by durban bud at 11:55 PM | Comments (9)
August 19, 2007
Revenge of the Batty Gods
Jamaica is one of the most homophobic places in the world. Apparently it's not all Sandals resorts there! Such nice people.
I've never been.
Article 76 (Unnatural Crime)
"Whosoever shall be convicted of the abominable crime of buggery [buttsex] committed with mankind, shall be liable to be imprisoned and kept to hard labour for a term not exceeding ten years."
Abominable is such a subjective word. Obviously the writers of Jamaican Law haven't been buggered by the right man.
I'll never spend my batty dollars in that beautiful nightmare.
Nature is a drag queen. And she's pissed, mon.
Posted by durban bud at 01:04 PM | Comments (14)
August 16, 2007
Sundown
Sometimes I wish I were Gordon Lightfoot.
My mom played the 45 of "Sundown" in heavy rotation when I was wee boy. It was one of the only good songs she played. The Oak Ridge Boys' "Elvira" only made me bitter, suspicious of others, and gay.
Anyway, my mom would have made a great pothead. Whenever I hear that song, I think of my mom chilled out on the sofa, tokin' a spliff, telling me how rad it is to have a gay son. But she chose another path. And that's fine. I downloaded the song to my iPod anyway.
I'll be spending Christmas in the Netherlands with my entire family. My sister's family moved to a small town called Wassenaar, outside of Amsterdam, and right near Den Haag. So I'll be touring The Hague during the holidays. What will you be doing?
The whole idea that my sister lives over there is almost comical. She had never even been to Europe before she moved there last month. When she visited us in January of this year, her husband was having a phone interview with a company in Canada. She went ballistic and said she would not be moving out of the country. They had already moved three times in the past five years. The next time they moved, their original plan was to move closer to my parents.
So she went from suburban-huge house-Christian bliss to a small house outside the Red Light District. Love it! She's like, "The refrigerator here is the size of a college dorm fridge." No worries, I'll be visiting more often!
The whole experience will only do wonders for her three kids. I wish I had spent an extended period of time in Europe as a kid. But I made up for it in college, I guess!
My only worry is spending eleven days with my family. That far extends my 3-Day Rule. I suspect me and Rob will venture out to Amsterdam on occasion.
My parents have never been to Europe either. Last year, when my sister was planning a trip to Italy for them, my mom said, "Your father and I are getting older, and we don't enjoy flying far away to see things; we're perfectly happy driving down to the Outer Banks every now and then." So now they're going to be regulars in the Netherlands. I look forward to hearing my parents' southern accents transformed to Dutch. They'll be pronouncing it, "Ale Stublieft."
I told my mom all the touristy things we could do. I suggested the Anne Frank House and the Van Gogh Museum. In her southern drawl, she's like, "Screw that - I wanna see the Red 'Lot' District!"
I'm looking forward to the holidays.
Posted by durban bud at 10:58 PM | Comments (9)
August 15, 2007
Frustrated, Incorporated
Apparently I'm miserable, so be nice to me - though I'm in my early late 30's, thank you very much.
Anyway -- the pet store, video store and Spanish grocery store down the street all closed cuz the rents were too high.
So what cool stores will open in their place, that can afford the outrageous rents?
How 'bout another fucking art gallery! Or two art galleries! And another framing store for your art work!
I'm all for art galleries, but we have plenty in this area.
When a business closes around here, you can almost guarantee that one of the following will open in its place:
* Art gallery
* Nail salon
* Eyeglass store
* Dry cleaner
* Art gallery
And that boggles my wee little mind. How can these places afford such high rents?
Apparently I'm in the wrong field. I'm gonna start learning how to paint pretty dots on toenails, or, better yet, I'm gonna paint pretty dots on canvases and open my own art gallery!
All I know is G-Books better not close, or there's going to be holy hell to pay -- though I doubt that's possible since I fund the hell out of that store. I'll put Gun Oil on the door handle of any establishment that takes their place, and I'll fumigate it daily with broken popper bottles.
I shouldn't complain though. I finally received my anti-complaining bracelets in the mail that I ordered back in March. You can preview it here. I got 5 of them, so don't be offended if I give you one. I'm here to help you better your life.
The bracelets also came with an envelope to send a donation back to their church. I giggled too.
Since I'm supposed to be miserable, I may have to wear it 24/7. You, too, should consider ordering one.
Posted by durban bud at 12:33 PM | Comments (14)
August 14, 2007
Sloppy Mistake
I rented a few adult DVDs of the homosexual persuasion yesterday. I returned them today (on time!).
Until...
I received a phone call from The Video Rack.
"One of the DVDs doesn't have the DVD in the case."
Ugh. So I checked my DVD player.
"I don't see it here. What's the name?"
He whispers, "Ummm. It's a Treasure Island video."
"Okay, but what's the name?"
There was a lot of noise in the background. I heard a baby crying. Softly, he says, "Cummmm shoppy buuuu hoes."
"I'm sorry - I couldn't hear you."
Ever so delicately, "Cummm shoppy buuuu hoes."
"I'm sorry. I can't understand you. It's too loud in your store. What's the name again?"
"CUM SLOPPY BUTTHOLES!!!" It got very quiet in the background.
"Ahhh yes, the Merchant-Ivory flick. I see it. I'll return it tomorrow. Sorry about that."
Classy.
Posted by durban bud at 12:23 AM | Comments (20)
August 10, 2007
LGBT
I watched the presidential debate on Logo. Not sure what Peppermint Patty is doing these days, but Marcie is apparently a moderator.
Who came up with the ridiculous title Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender? It's eleven syllables and cringe-worthy. Lesbian is Gay - is it not? Bisexual is kinda gay. Let's condense it, or come up with a term that we all can fit under, like Misfits or Hobbits or The Brooding.
And LGBT is just a BLT with gouda. Mmmmm...I'm totally gonna make myself an LGBT for lunch.
Posted by durban bud at 01:21 PM | Comments (19)
August 08, 2007
Super Catastrophic Fragmentation
In celebration of bear week, I've been eating lots of salmon and shopping for bear toilet paper holders. It's exhausting being a bear. Although I'm not really a bear; I'm more of a meerkat. But there are no Moonlight Madness Parties at Holiday Inns for meerkats. So I'm a bear. But not really. I'm also a liar and a thief.
Jamy pointed out a link to Big Bear Cafe -- which is only about 16 blocks from me. I'm intrigued. I think I'll stop by. I would love to get my paws on a cup of pennyroyal tea. Plus, they have wireless!
While sipping my tea at Big Bear Cafe, I'll probably read through a copy of A Bear's Life. The tag line for that magazine is "Celebrating The Masculine Community." I have no comment.
And I'm a young bear, cuz according to the Real Age Calculator (found via Sarah, who is not a bear), I'm only 22. So I guess I'm a cub.
What type of animal I'm labeled will be irrelevant, though, once a large asteroid hits our planet. And it will happen, eventually. And we'll have to start all over again.
Posted by durban bud at 06:03 PM | Comments (19)
August 06, 2007
The Origin of Woof
I hope everyone enjoyed their shark weekend. I know I sure did.
The fun never stops, cuz next weekend is all about the bears. WOOF!
In anticipation, I watched a documentary about brown bears on the National Geographic Channel-- appropriately narrated by Alec Baldwin, by the way. WOOF! WOOF!
Male brown bears are fucking assholes. They're angry and bitter -- for like no reason. They're the quintessential BitterBears. The females raise the cubs, but half of the cubs are killed by the big, bad, male bears, because they want the sole attention of the female. So they kill one of her cubs, and rape her so she'll get pregnant with his sperm. Nice, huh? Typical.
And they're invading here next weekend. Buy your repellent here.
I also learned bears don't say "woof". Total myth. It sounds more like "Aaarrhhwwwwwrraaahhh." So when you see a hot guy, you need to say that to him, to be authentic. Otherwise, you will be judged.
It originated from people with speech impediments, trying to say "Wolf," but instead saying "woof". It's true! I read it on the Internet.
Anyway, we assembled a bunch of bears (not brown) for a viewing of The Bourne Ultimatum. There were several homosexual bears in attendance. Aaarrhhwwwwwrraaahhh! I think they identify with Jason Bourne because they can relate to the whole identity crisis thing. After years of torment and anguish, they eventually figure out who they really are, usually at The Eagle or an Outback Steakhouse.
The movie was good, and it's always nice to hear Moby's "Extreme Ways" close out each of the Bourne films. But Matt Damon is not a bear.
Posted by durban bud at 01:40 PM | Comments (15)
August 03, 2007
Horror Show
Tradition has created monsters in our society.
Posted by durban bud at 03:49 PM | Comments (9)
August 02, 2007
CSI: DC
Violent crime has gotten so bad in DC lately that the new police chief put all cops on duty last weekend.
It didn't seem to help.
A good friend of mine was the victim of a break-in, during that weekend; they took off the bars of his back window, climbed in and stole some valuables (laptop, camera, checkbook). This all occurred during the day, when he wasn't there. He was in the process of selling his home, so he believes a realtor was coming in to show the place and scared them off, so they couldn't get anything else. Because the LAST TIME this happened to him, they got away with a hell of a lot more, like $14,000 worth of stuff.
There have been several robberies in broad daylight in the Ledroit Park area. A group of about five young thugs are responsible for a number of those.
Bob has alerted us to a couple articles that have more information. And Clickboo posted a frightening account by someone who called 911 as someone was breaking into his house. The police never showed up, even hours later.
My place is fairly difficult to break into, but I'm sure it's possible. Our back patio is enclosed by several large walls. Someone could probably scale it, but once in, it's hard to get out. It's like a roach motel. And trying to get into our back gate that shields the door to the house, would pose an enormous amount of work and time to remove. A neighbor did catch someone trying to scale our wall last year, around 1:00am, but scared him off with a litany of profanity.
And all of our windows are on the second floor, which are hard to get to without a big ladder, and they also have bars on them.
If someone were able to do a home invasion here, I would probably move immediately. That intense of a violation would break my sensitive thick skin. Of course, someone did try to enter my residence before, as I mentioned a while back, but I suspect it might have been my neighbor, looking to "experiment".
If I caught someone in my home, I'm not sure what I would do. I guess I could grab a butcher's knife, but I don't want to get blood all over our beautiful hardwood floors, and, really, if they have guns, I don't have a chance. Apparently, it's legal to own pepper spray if it's registered. That could be kinda interesting. So once they're screaming and blinded, I would beat the bejesus out of the intruders with a large black dildo (it's not mine!). That would totally cause some damage, cuz it's huge and so hard! After the beating, I would make them suck it, all the way. Then I would make them sit through multiple showings of Sordid Lives.
It does make an anti-gun person like me consider owning a gun, when you hear all these stories. I would get one like Anger Hangover has. And she would show me how to use it. Don't fuck with lesbians. They'll blow your goddamn head off.
I suppose I could move to a farm, and feed chickens and Brett, and make naughty videos to post, while poorly lip-synching to a Fergie song during the buttsex, but I don't think anywhere is really safe, obviously.
Posted by durban bud at 12:01 AM | Comments (17)