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October 31, 2007

Silver Shamrock

And this is how we celebrate NSFW Halloween in DC.

Enjoy your day.

Posted by durban bud at 09:07 AM | Comments (4)

October 30, 2007

Honoring Our Heroes

Y'all know what today is, right? Lest we forget.

Take a little time today to pay tribute.

Posted by durban bud at 08:58 AM | Comments (11)

October 27, 2007

Strip Malls & Churches, Are They Connected?

Downtown Charleston is quite beautiful, especially the houses tucked away on small streets. I ate some of my favorite southern food: biscuits and gravy, sweet potato fries, fried green tomatoes and oyster po' boys. The men there were older, with a full head of white hair; the women were also older and wore pastel colors or flowered blouses and pants. I couldn't help but think which one of these women will be featured on Oxygen's Snapped. I suspect a few of them.

The rest of Charleston was strip malls and churches and Piggly Wiggly's and virtually no gay people (we saw two).

We realize just how different we really are from the vast majority of people in this world, in every way. Our gay world is a lot smaller than we think.

Still, we had an enjoyable time with my family. The purpose of the trip was to celebrate both my parents' birthdays and get us all together, but the real purpose was so my sister and brother-in-law could buy a beach house on Seabrook Island.

Since my sister's family lives in another country, they want us to take advantage of this new home and spend lots of time there. It won't be like Rehoboth, but it will be a nice place to get away to once in awhile. We'll gay it up some. We also hope to travel down to Savannah and make our mark there.

The Charleston airport security confiscated my lube, cuz it wasn't under 3 ounces. Yeah, I'd like to see what kind of bomb could be made out of lube, probably a dirty bomb. A pleasant, patient woman waiting behind me smiled and her eyes said, "You're totally going to hell, hon."

One night during a swim at the hotel pool, I noticed my Republican brother-in-law has a tattoo. He got it a year ago. It's a tribal arm band. On his right arm. I didn't say a word.

Anyway, I have lots of photos. Feel free to peruse by using the link below.

At the beach:

We toured a plantation:

The rich people lived here:

Their slaves lived here:

Alligator:

Walking around downtown Charleston. The houses are very Tales of the City, without homosexuals:

Can you spot me?

I like this one. I look like Michael Myers, watching Laurie Strode from across the street. Scary:

There was a petting zoo at the plantation, much like Folsom, except with corn and seeds:

I fed a pig. It bit my hand. Then I saw a sign that said, "Do not feed the pigs!" I couldn't help it; it's in my nature...

Posted by durban bud at 09:13 PM | Comments (24)

October 23, 2007

The Beautiful People

According to Travel & Leisure, the most attractive people live in Miami. DC placed 24th. Ouch -- I mean, eeew.

San Francisco is the most gay-friendly. Shocking! DC placed 13th.

Charleston -- according to the mag -- is the friendliest city in the U.S., and places 3rd for most attractive people. It's also the 21st gay friendliest. MmmmHmmm.

We shall see. I head there tomorrow. I better meet some nice, hot, gay-friendly men.

I'll keep you posted.

UPDATE: I'm here. It's been raining all day. Charming city. Free wireless at the hotel. My sister brought me a package of siroopwafelens from Holland. Yum. Her husband just made an offer on a beach home here. Yes, Jesus loves me. Swam in the hotel pool with my niece and nephew. Mom says my toe nails are too long. Where my gays at?

UPDATE II: That survey is complete and utter shit. Lies!

Posted by durban bud at 07:38 PM | Comments (20)

October 22, 2007

You Without Me, Like Cornflake Without the Milk

It seems many people are committing blogicide lately. I suppose these things ebb and flow. Those who blog get bored, life changes course, they become domesticated, find God, or a co-worker or family member find out some of the evil shit they wrote, so they pull the plug. Most come back; some don't.

I first became aware of Eric when he left a comment on one of my posts long ago. He was one of the first strangers to comment. I checked out his site then and have been following him ever since. So it's sad to see someone with such a unique writing style close up shop, but I understand. And I say: מאחל לך מזל טוב

Methinks he'll be back, though.

There are about five or six blogs I read daily. Once a month, I scroll through my list of links. I usually find one that is no longer active (blogicide!). This month it's Pistolotto. What the dilio?

Ah well, it's just blogging.

Sadly, I'll be at this a bit longer -- cuz I'm a cornflake and you're the milk.

Posted by durban bud at 10:45 AM | Comments (16)

October 20, 2007

I Know Just How to Whisper

This afternoon we went down to the Video Rack to check out what's new and happenin' in the P world. On our way back along Connecticut Avenue, we noticed several people wearing or holding toupees, American flags, maps, and Mom Jeans. I asked Rob if he knew if there was a convention occurring at the Washington Hilton over the weekend -- maybe a Ms. Pacman or an Air Supply fan club annual gathering. He didn't know.

When we got back, I Googled "Washington Hilton," "Convention," "Mom Jeans," "October 20," and "Even the Nights Are Better."

Then it all made sense.

Posted by durban bud at 10:48 PM | Comments (5)

October 17, 2007

It Puts the Lotion in the Basket

I'm pretty sure the chick who was stuck in the hole in Silence of the Lambs is now guest-starring on Weeds.

And here is a song about this particular lotion. (Thanks, Mark.)

UPDATE: An explanation in the comments section.

Posted by durban bud at 11:39 AM | Comments (12)

October 15, 2007

The Traveling Dingleberries

Courtesy of the benevolent OO-Josh, we took off to Shenandoah Park for the day, despite some trepidation on my part. Was great to escape from the city, and the weather couldn't have been any better.

Left bright and early Sunday, hiked a few miles, and found these huge rocks on a cliff to chill with some cool masc buds and katydids. We were alone for most of the day; no one else passed on the trail we took. Very tranquil. Titan Men should consider using this location for their next flick. And if a fluffer is needed, I'm only a two hour drive away.

Noted:

* Jimbo can discern bear droppings. A skill he learned camping at Lazy Bear 2004, I suppose.

* Craigslist is the new Manhunt. Manhunt is the new match.com. And match.com is over.

* Paul Krugman is a bear.

* What exactly did Katy do?

And here are some photos from our trip:

Hootie & the Blowfish, or Rob, Jimbo, Josh:

Rocks, trees, Mr. Bill:

Rocks, trees, blue sky:

Rocks, trees, blue sky, homosexuals Josh & TJ:

The Watcher in the Woods:

Rocks & Rob:

Rocks, trees, "foliage":

'Sup, masc dude chillin', seekin' activity buds:

Posted by durban bud at 01:25 AM | Comments (25)

October 12, 2007

October 12th is the Day After National Coming Out Day!

I sure hope everyone enjoyed National Coming Out Day. How did you celebrate? I celebrated by engaging in homosexual sodomy. And coming out makes it much more enjoyable.

Speaking of...

I learned the sign language version of that song at Pinnacle Road Baptist Church when I was six. I still know most of it. Maybe I'll do it for you some night at Nellie's.

First spotted the trailer at the lovely LSL.

Screening of the film happens in DC October 26 - November 1 at Landmark E Street Cinema (my favorite theater in DC!). Check here to see if it's screening near you. Reviews here. Picture of me as a 3-year-old here.

Posted by durban bud at 12:32 AM | Comments (15)

October 10, 2007

Forgive Me

As most of you know, I'm not a big fan of young kids. They smell. BUT, when I receive emails like this from my 8-year-old niece, my heart melts a little. OMG, am I going through the change?

"Uncle TJ before I see you I may have glasses even thoe I see good but anyway I can't wait to see you soon I love you so so so much and tell Uncle Robb I miss him too and love him just like I love you what did you do today? Well miss you a lot I have a test tomorow like 10 10 times is 100 and 10 2 times is 20 so I know a few times tabels."

[GULP]

My sister's family just recently moved to the Netherlands. The sad thing is I communicate with them now more than I ever have -- even on the TELEPHONE.

My niece emails me the latest Dutch words she has learned:

"Uncle TJ wit means white zwart is black rose is pink rood is red bleuw is blue dag also means day and bye."

These kids are getting one hell of an education by living in another country.

I'll be seeing them in a couple weeks. The whole family is meeting up in Charleston, SC for my mom's b-day. None of us have been there before, but we thought my parents would enjoy a place they haven't been in the South.

Then we all meet up again in the Netherlands for the holidays. My sister is taking us to another fabulous city in Europe for X-mas Day. It's a surprise for my parents -- who I know will be mortified and thrilled at the same time -- so I will definitely be documenting the whole thing with my camera.

For the Charleston trip, I am implementing my 3-Day Rule, but for the European trip, I have significantly broken that rule to allow for jet lag, travel time and maybe a couple trips to a Parisian bath house. Ho ho ho!

After that, I will be sick of everyone -- except my niece.

Dag!

Posted by durban bud at 12:27 PM | Comments (15)

October 09, 2007

Mister Fister Bangs a Tranny

I sure hope everyone enjoyed the Columbus Day holiday. I paid tribute by watching Home Alone, Mrs. Doubtfire and the first Harry Potter. He's simply the John Hughes of our generation. How did you honor the legend?

Mister Fister celebrated along with us, staying over the long weekend. While he was here, these pop-ups appeared frequently on my computer:

OnlineHost: Support Breast Cancer Awareness Month! Visit United for Pink today.
*****DaddyNYC: evening all
***bttm: hi room
***20005: tops?
***20005: doms?
***20005: discipline?
***BTTM: Hey guys! Horny bttm at conn and *** aves looking to be used for your pleasure now with no recip needed whatsoever. PVT / IM me if interested.

This town is full of subs, and they all have my IP address now.

I guess to coincide with the recent trans-inclusion controversy, Mister Fister told us a story about how he made love to a trans man recently. One would expect a woman who has a sex change to be into women, but not always so. Some chicks wanna be guys and still like guys (and vice-versa). Fascinating! See? Gender and sexual orientation are intertwined.

I offered to cook a pork loin one night, but Mister Fister took a hissy fit, complaining about being Jewish and not eating pork or something. I told him, "But it tastes like chicken." I'm guessing the Torah also frowns on DOM/sub gay online hookups, but it's eating pork that takes the cake. Consistency has never been a strength of religion.

I also may or may not have participated in a John Denver karaoke rendition with the Sarge at some point during the weekend, but I don't want to talk about it. For press inquiries, please contact Mr. Bartender.

A good friend told me that his lesbian sister found out her girlfriend cheated on her with a man, so to punish her, she removed all the dildos from their home. That'll teach her!

The new Bachelor has a twin brother. I would enjoy being the bologna in that manwich, though they prolly wouldn't enjoy it as much as I would -- unless I did that thing with my _____, which no one can resist. Mmmmmm.

Anyway, it was a wonderfully educational weekend.

Posted by durban bud at 10:25 AM | Comments (9)

October 05, 2007

Stup!d Gurl

Somebody in my household downloaded Pink's Stupid Girls onto iTunes -- I'm sorry, I mean P!nk's Stupid Girls. So now it's on my iPod. It's actually not a bad song, and it's ripe with swear words! I could never figure out the second line of the chorus, as I sang along while on the cross trainer, so I finally Googled the lyrics.

To summarize, the correct lyrics are:

Maybe if I act like that, that guy will call me back
Porno Paparazzi girl, I don't wanna be a stupid girl

And not:

Maybe if I act black, that...that guy will call me back
What about the hot seat girl, I don't wanna be a stupid girl

Just so we're clear.

Posted by durban bud at 11:58 AM | Comments (6)

October 04, 2007

Gucci Little Piggy

I just listened to a rough tracklist of In Rainbows, Radiohead's latest, and my ears are still ringing. The Bends is one of my favorite albums of all time. OK Computer was interesting and different, if a little pretentious. Then, something happened. Something unlistenable -- like a cross between Pink Floyd and my dead cat Chammie crying and screaming from heaven cuz Jesus called her fat. Yet, they've somehow managed to become one of the biggest bands in the world.

I appreciate all kinds of music and support anybody doing something unique, but I still need a melody and a beat. I want to like their newer material. I want to hang with the cool kids and discuss the obscure meanings behind the atmospheric textures and despondent lyrical wailing, but I just don't get it.

Little Miss Sunshine, Rihanna, where you at?

Posted by durban bud at 12:06 AM | Comments (16)

October 03, 2007

Simple Rules for Peaceful City Living, Vol. 1

I just witnessed another vehicle collision in the alley by our home. Luckily no one was seriously hurt, but this time an ambulance did come to the scene. I sense a whiplash lawsuit. This could all be avoided if people would stop using alleys as if they were actual streets. We've contacted our councilmember several times about this issue; a stop sign or a speed bump could assist to avert these crashes, but no one listens to me.

So I'm gonna lay down some house rules, mmm'kay? Most of these are common sense, but they bear repeating. I said bear again. Bear, bear, bear!

1. Slow the fuck down and pause at each intersection in an alley. People live by those alleys. And never honk your horn because you're too lazy to slow down.

2. Don't hog the sidewalks. Some of the sidewalks are narrow. It's cute that you hold hands with your girlfriend or thruple, but remember that some people may need to get around you. Break that chain.

3. Keep your dog next to you when walking him on a sidewalk. Don't stretch out the leash so he can roam wherever he wants. This is the one instance you must be a dominant top even if it's not in your nature -- at least, try. The Dog Whisperer would agree. Not everyone thinks your dog is as adorable as you do. And if I get tangled in the leash cuz you have no disciplining skills, I will neuter your dog in front of you.

4. Don't wear a Hard Rock Cafe jean jacket. Wearing that might make you the shit in Lubbock, but wearing it here will identify you as a tourist, and subject you to panhandlers, muggers, and angertwink scorn. Planet Hollywood jean jackets also apply. And these.

5. Do not block a crosswalk with your vehicle. Slow down, you're in the city, relax, you've got another red light 30 feet in front of you anyway.

6. It's illegal in the District to chat on your cell phone when driving. Nine times out of ten I notice the driver who almost ran me over is on his phone or texting someone. Please stop.

7. Just because you ride a bike everywhere doesn't make you Wonder Woman. Weaving between cars (and me!) is risky, and riding it on the sidewalk is rude and lame.

8. Don't litter. Tossing cigarette butts is littering.

9. Don't snap your gum, ever.

10. Don't give money to panhandlers, no matter how unfortunate they look. If you want to help, offer to buy them something to eat or donate to a shelter.

11. Don't be so horny. Only lay on your horn for emergencies. Or lightly tap your horn to wake up a driver stopped at a green light. Excessive horning makes you look like an asshole and makes the blood boil in everyone around you -- which can lead to unsavory side effects.

Stay tuned for Vol. 2.

Posted by durban bud at 08:56 AM | Comments (20)