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November 30, 2007
Megalomania
Mitt Romney makes me want to have an abortion. Every time he blathers on about his five sons and "protecting the sanctity of marriage," I want to ram a wire hanger up my snizz. I heard that when Massengill consulted God for design ideas for their new extra mild vinegar and water bottle, The Lord said, "Why don't you mold it into the shape of that fucking douche Mittens Romney?" And so it was.
Oh, I'm just kidding! I'm sure he's a lovely, wicked smart Man of God.
Anyway, me and Clyde -- or as I'm calling him this week "Muhammad" -- watched a BBC documentary on the Discovery Times Channel the other day about the Fred Phelps/Westboro Church clan called America's Most Hated Family. A British filmmaker lived with them for three weeks and attended some of their funeral protests of soldiers. Whoa. So unbelievably creepy. Watch a brief clip of the documentarian discussing his experience and scenes from the film here.
The scariest thing is how normal and well-adjusted most of these members appear to be, despite knowing how hated they are -- especially the granddaughters of Fred. They come across as almost likable, even when they smile and say, "You're going to hell." btw - If you're sent to hell as a spirit, how can you burn for infinity with no body mass...hmmm?
Even Shirley, the matriarchal cunt and most outspoken member, comes across as somewhat articulate and even -- dare I say -- funny at times, albeit in a nasty, mean-spirited way. If you ever go to their site and read some of her responses to questions people submit to them, you'll see what I mean. Sure, she's a mega-bitch and severely suffers from delusions of grandeur -- like most fundies of all religions -- but she's not a complete idiot. Evil? Sure. But not stupid -- which makes her even more dangerous.
Fred is the Osama Bin Laden of the bunch. He is a cantankerous prick but revered as their righteous prophet. I realize some other knucklehead will take over when he dies, but I'm not sure if he'll carry the same amount of influence over the flock.
What many of these parents force upon their kids has to be a form of child abuse, similar to what madrasahs do, I suppose. It's easy to brainwash when promising nothing but roses on the other end. And the constant fear of death causes many people -- especially the disenfranchised -- to believe in a magical world that is only accessible when one follows a strict set of rules, most of which suppress natural behaviors and experiences while you're actually living.
Religion is like oxycontin; it can serve a decent purpose and make you feel better when needed, but in certain hands, it can fuck you up and warp your sense of reality, as evidenced in the past couple weeks. Intervention really needs to start featuring religious addicts on the show, so we can see how fanaticism fucks up an entire family. But you already knew all of that.
The Westboro clan are coming to protest in DC on December 4th. Hmm.
Posted by durban bud at 3:40 PM | Comments (11)
November 26, 2007
America's Next Top Power Bottom
Posted by durban bud at 10:13 PM | Comments (16)
November 25, 2007
Love in the Time of Cholera
Like most people, instead of saying a prayer before Thanksgiving dinner, we held hands and sang the chorus from Delta Dawn. I find it's a great way to relax the guests. Try it sometime. We also discussed whether punch-fucking is on the rise in the lesbian community, but I am NOT going into that on this here Christian blog. Geez.
Anyway, the food I made turned out well. You would have been impressed. Seriously, I should have my own cooking show on Logo.
Thanks for the recipes some of you sent me. I made the one Dennis suggested -- mainly cuz I didn't have to peel the potatoes. Even with the skins, it came out great. OMG -- I swear this isn't turning into a potato blog!
It was a lovely, stress-free holiday with good friends and a cuddly dog.
Pics after the jump.
Sarge, Mr. Bartender, Eric 2.0:
Rob cleaned the hell out of our place. I thought this was a nice touch:
Posted by durban bud at 10:23 PM | Comments (16)
November 21, 2007
A Russert Thanksgiving
Everyone's all in a tizzy about pigging out tomorrow, especially Tim Russert, I'm sure. That man oozes gravy and stuffing, with a hint of self-righteous sage. Seriously, look at him. He IS Thanksgiving. I feel bad for his family, though. He looks like the type of guy who spends half the holiday in the bathroom. But I don't judge.
I picked up our 20-lb. carcass on Monday, cuz I'm a smart, savvy shopper. I noticed several people of ethnic origin shopping. I wonder if they add their own little flava to this holiday. I think a little salsa would be a welcome addition to the traditional meal we always make. Rob's mom is Italian, so she always makes baked ziti along with all the other stuff. Since I'm part hillbilly, I think I'll make some mac and cheese this year. I wish there were a way to add some gay flava to our meal, but besides sodomizing the turkey, I'm really not sure how.
I read the average American consumes 5000 calories in just this one meal (Tim Russert: 8000 calories). Ugh. But I'm sure we'll all be hitting the gym on Friday (except Tim Russert).
Ironically (or not), I will be peeling russet potatoes tonight. And you know what they say: each time you peel a russe(r)t potato, an African orphan with Downs smacks itself in the head. You've been warned. I really need to buy a rotato or hire a peel intern. I mean, who peels anymore?
My potatoes weren't very successful last year, so if anyone has a cool recipe for mashed potatoes (or mac & cheese), please let me know.
And say a little prayer for Tim-may! and his family.
Happy Thanxgiving! I love you.
Posted by durban bud at 12:09 PM | Comments (19)
November 19, 2007
Beast
I've been sick the past week, and writing about being sick isn't exciting, so consider yourselves spared.
Anyway, meet Clyde. He's staying with us for a few months. Sure, he kinda looks like the Fluke Man from The X-Files, but he's really sweet and quite protective already. His owner says he loves men. Well, he's come to the right place! I'm certain he will enjoy Thanxgiving here, since I will be cooking for a sea of those with a penis.
I agreed to take care of Clyde without meeting him first (for a small fee, of course). I was told, "He's a bulldog & he doesn't bark." A quiet medium-sized dog? Perfect. "I'll do it!"
Well, he's enormous. He's an American Bulldog, very different from a typical bulldog. And he will kick your ass.
I told my friend Marla that I'd be caring for an American Bulldog. She said, "OMG, an American Bulldog just killed a member of the family that adopted it here in Phoenix!" Thanks, Marla. Good to know.
So if you don't hear from me for a long period of time, I've become dog food. Or I'm just sick. 'Kay?
Posted by durban bud at 12:40 PM | Comments (17)
November 13, 2007
The Millennials
Millennials are taking over the work force and they're even more incorrigible than Gen-Xers, if that's even possible.
Gen-Xers are largely responsible for creating the "40 is the new 30" phenomenon that is sweeping the nation. We're more laidback; we're educated; we don't rush into marriage; we don't feel pressure to procreate; we age better; we're more sensitive to others (thank you, Kurdt); we're politically, socially and environmentally responsible; we're willing to enter into therapy; we wear witty t-shirts; and we created casual Friday. So show us some goddamn respect.
Millennials are growing up even later in life. They live at home longer; communicate only through text and instant messages, cell phones, online social networks and blogs; develop life skills through video games; and they write articles to emasculate their elders.
Rapid advances in technology during their formative years are mostly to blame for their selfishness, as well as sensitive parenting, but the primary cause is likely due to the absence of multiple Emmy-award-winning actress Patricia Wettig in their lives.
For most red-blooded American teenage boys, watching thirtysomething was a rite of passage in the late '80's. We always imagined dining with Patricia (Patty) at a quaint, upscale cafe in Philadelphia -- perhaps sharing a cranberry scone and a hot plunger pot of hazelnut coffee -- as we discussed our relationship problems and feelings.
Sure, some teenage boys preferred the raspy-voiced, spunky Polly Draper as their BFF, but Patricia was the one we all trusted to tuck us into bed, adjust the netting on our lacrosse sticks, and share our most intimate secrets with (like the tingly sensation Ken Olin gave us in our groin).
Sadly, Millennials never got to experience the raw emotional brilliance and tell-it-like-it-really-is honesty of a Patricia Wettig. If they had, they would have greater compassion and respect for those of us in our thirties and beyond. And I'm sorry, but Moesha was no Patricia Wettig.
Rent thirtysomething on DVD, Millennials. Watch and learn. Respek.
Posted by durban bud at 10:07 PM | Comments (29)
November 9, 2007
Johnny is a Pig
Check out this sweet hilarity. Johnny channels Miss Piggy to wish his boyfriend a happy birthday. Awwww, I'm impressed! And slightly disturbed he owns a Miss Piggy head, but whatever, that can be overlooked cuz he's sex-ay.
Ask yourself this today, would your boyfriend do a muppet impression for you and post it on YouTube? If not, then perhaps he's just not that into you.
Posted by durban bud at 10:07 AM | Comments (8)
November 8, 2007
Reply to All
I was sitting in front of Rob's laptop tonight when someone IM'd him around 11:30. Rob was getting ready for bed, so naturally I wrote, "Hi sugar!" The person responded with "LOL". Hmm. I'm not buying it. Do people actually laugh out loud when they type that? I doubt it. Is it really that funny to make someone explode with laughter? I hope not. Then again, According to Jim is still on the air, so maybe it's easy to laugh at the mundane. Rumor has it, beginning December 1st, LOL is being retired from the Internet. Take note. ROFL.
Anyway, a few months ago, Jimbo -- who just celebrated his 2000th post and is now suffering from carpal tunnel -- sent me an email that someone took a dump in the bathroom at JR's and it stunk up the place. I'm always glad he thinks to notify me about such things. I reckon he did this cuz he knows I'm very anti-dumping in public restrooms. The odd thing was he cc'd a number of other people on this email. So, since he dragged all these innocent people into this shit, I replied to all explaining my position on public dumping.
This prompted a long reply-to-all discussion about it with all the other carbon copied kids. It got quite graphic, with Jimbo talking about dropping meatball-sized turds outside in a field while he was living in Kazakhstan. This was immediately followed by someone asking to be removed from "this email thread". Uh-oh.
I didn't recognize the name of the person requesting unsubscription so I asked Jimbo who it was. He didn't know. I'm like, "But you included him in the original mass email." He still didn't know. Then he looked at his list of contacts and realized he sent it to the wrong person, and that the guy was a colleague of a friend from years ago that somehow still managed to be included in his contact list. LOL!
Apparently several people didn't see this guy's request and kept replying to all about proper shitting etiquette. Poor guy -- probably a gentle Christian man having a rough day at work and then getting his inbox pummeled with potty humor and feces stories.
I realize this probably isn't funny to you at all, but I was seriously LOL and eventually ROFLMAO.
So, let this be a lesson: Be very careful when replying to all. Don't shit in public bathrooms unless it's an emergency. And don't forget about December 1st. LOL.
Posted by durban bud at 12:12 AM | Comments (18)
November 5, 2007
Americans Surprised to Learn King Tut Was Not White, Like Jesus and Lee Greenwood
I haven't posted recently. Cuz I'm supposed to be on strike.
Or not.
So King Tut was a twink. Big deal.
Questions:
1. Do Sleep Number beds advertise during the new Bionic Woman?
2. Do you think NBC has secret plans to leave Ann Curry in Antarctica?
3. If a friend pays to download a well-reviewed song from the new Britney Spears record, is he enabling her?
I'm conflicted on many levels.
Over the weekend Rob said that we should consider adopting a child soon, so we'll have someone to take care of us when we're old and frail. Hmm. Good point. But what if our kid hates us, like Angelina Jolie and her father. I'd rather save my money and live in a gay retirement community. Imagine all the friendships, cruising, gossip, bingo and carrot cakes. I think I would enjoy it.
But first we should probably get a dog. And it appears we will be getting one on loan for the next few months. Baby steps.
Posted by durban bud at 11:49 PM | Comments (20)
November 1, 2007
Eating Dog
About 10 years ago I watched a disturbing documentary on HBO called To Love or Kill: Man vs. Animal. A man traveled the world showing how some societies eat animals that we would consider off-limits. One scene included an American woman taking her cat to a pet psychic. He juxtaposed that scene with one of cats being boiled alive in Thailand. Yum. Then he would show how cows are worshipped in India, followed by a cow getting slaughtered in America.
There was one particularly upsetting scene at a Thai restaurant, in which a little girl -- with some sweet coaxing from her mother -- picks out the dog she wants to eat for dinner. It was a German Shepard. It was slaughtered and cooked nice and tender for her.
I became a vegetarian for a month after watching that. Slowly I graduated to eating fish again, cuz, they don't have any feelings, right? Eventually I made it back to being a full-fledged carnivore.
Anyway, I've been watching this new show on The National Geographic Channel (now owned by Rupert Murdoch, btw) called Taboo. Since I'm part-man and part-freak, I rather enjoy it. Recent episodes have included transexualism and burn scarification. Fascinating!
The latest episode was again about unusual food eaten around the world -- especially in Vietnam, Thailand and most of Africa -- where they apparently eat anything: scorpions, tarantulas, bats, horse, snake hearts that are still beating, dogs, cockroaches, maggots and anything else that moves.
I don't think I've eaten anything one would consider bizarre, except maybe semen. Though, there was that one time I accidentally inhaled a fly and swallowed it. It wasn't my fault! I didn't chew it so I'm not sure if it was tasty; however, afterwards I did start quickly rubbing my hands together. Also, I grew wings.
I did eat alligator last week in Charleston. Is that bizarre? Seems more common lately. And, like everything else fried, it tasted like chicken.
It's all relative, I guess. We're a bit ethnocentric when it comes to food, aren't we?
Still, I don't think I could ever eat this guy.
Posted by durban bud at 12:02 AM | Comments (23)