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January 06, 2008
The Happy Hour Bears
A very exasperated Jimbo just called my cell. I answered:
"Hello?"
"Ahhhhhhhhhh! OMG! OMG! Oh. My. God!"
"Jimbo? What's wrong?"
"The bears! The bears! Oooooooh. We...no place...it's ovah."
"What? Slow down. I can't understand you."
"IT'S THE BEARS! [inaudible] closed! Nowhere to go. [inaudible]...oh God...Wrangler Jeans...hurts so bad."
"You're not making sense. Slow down. Grab hold of yourself."
"But...[whimpering]...but...oooooh....Jessssus, Mary and Josssseph....whyyyy?"
"Jimbo, smack yourself in the face."
"What?"
"Smack yourself in the face, hard. You need to snap out of this. Pretend your smackin' Carl's Swedish ass."
"Okay. Hold on." PSSHT! "Ow."
"Now take a deep breath. Just breathe. Breathe like Anna Nalick. Raise your hands to heaven...and just breathe. Now, again, slowly -- what did you say?"
"Ooooooh, God...it's the bears. The bears. We...we have no place to go for happy hour on Friday. No...where! Titan closed without warning! No more Woof! It's created chaos in our community. Chaos! The bears are moping aimlessly down the street, like furbots, mumbling to themselves, slowly walking in circles, drooling all over their beards. Their faces are blank, no emotion, just...empty. It's gotten ugly. Some displaced bears and otters are protesting the closure in front of the Just For Men aisle at CVS; and the polar bears are holding a candlelight vigil at the all-you-can-eat buffet at the Sizzler in Sterling. Some are even...shaving, while repeating, 'It's over, man. Game over.' It's madness! Poor li'l Clickboo was found in the fetal position in a booth at Annie's, dry heaving and threatening to put cologne on if a new bear happy hour location was not announced immediately. Dr. Phil was flown in to negotiate. It's spinning out of control. I'm so...so...so...worried about the future of our bear community. Oh dear God. Why? Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?"
"Jimbo, I'm sure you all can find another place to congregate. How 'bout the Applebee's in Silver Spring?"
"That's not even fucking funny. It's all a big joke to you, isn't it? Well it's not funny to us, the Happy Hour Bears. These tears are real. This pain in my heart is real. This empty mug of Miller Genuine Draft is real. The fur on my taint is real, okay? I am 100% bear beef with feelings. It affects so....many....bears like me. Don't you get it? I'm sorry, I just can't even talk about this right now. It's much...too painful."
"Simmer down now and stop crying. It will all work itself out. The bears are a resilient group. You will find another Woof."
"TJ?"
"Yes."
"Do you think this is our Stonewall?"
"Um, yes, Jimbo. As a matter of fact, I do."
"TJ?"
"Yes."
"Do you think Danny Pintauro from 'Who's the Boss' reads my blog?"
"Uhhhhh, I have no idea."
"OMG, I know! I should start a Happy Hour Bear group on Facebook! We could meet there in the interim, maybe use webcams to show ourselves drinking drafts of Miller Lite, checking for ticks, and saying "Woof" to each other as we gently poke one another online! Are you on Facebook yet? OMG, are you? You must join! So many widgets, so many ways to connect with other Happy Hour Bears. It's our future! I must go to Facebook now and start the revolution! OMG, I'm totally a hairy Rosa Parks! We Happy Hour Bears will NOT be left behind, ever!
"Oh, and don't forget to come to our benefit tonight. Bob Mould is performing in front of Titan at the corner of 14th and Rhode Island to raise awareness of its demise. He's gonna debut a song he wrote about it called, 'Sound the Alarm, Bro -- It's a Fur-mergency.' Get it? Can't wait! Make sure you wear flannel for solidarity. Well, I'm off to Facebook now. Dilemma solved...Bear Power on Facebook! Vive le Résistance! BIG BAD BEAR SNAPS TO ME! K, thanks. Bye."
Anyway. So yeah, I'm on Facebook now. I have no idea why, but Jimbo raves about it. I'm also on MySpace, Friendster, Manhunt, and Connexion. I rarely use any of them unless someone sends me a message. Plus, I have this blog. Do I really need to belong to another online social networking craze? I mean, at some point, I should interact with real live people in person, right? Y'know, someone I can actually poke?
I do think Facebook is much more attractive and user-friendly than that awful MySpace design. And there are no spam sluts harrassing me as of yet. Plus, it has the wackiest widgets to waste your time with. Someone tipped me off to an application that lets people compare your friends with each other. For example, it shows pictures of two of your friends and asks, who's smarter or who's hotter or who's more trustworthy? It's so mean! Download it now! By the way, which one of you "friends" felt I was unworthy to be trapped alone with on a desert island? Hmmm?
I was just hanging out with my friend G. He doesn't like Facebook. He doesn't think people over 30 should be playing on these sites. I reminded him that we homosexuals are suffering from neoteny, so we're given a waiver to engage in childish trends when we're older. So it's totally okay. He also thinks it's dangerous to put a lot of personal info out there for anyone to access (full name, employer, neighborhood, where you currently are, what you are doing, etc.). He may be right. I'm pretty careful not to divulge too much information. I use my blog name for most of these sites. He doesn't understand blogs either. He said he read my blog a couple times and thought, "Why would he take the time to write about this and then make it available for everyone to see?" Hmm, good point. I'm not sure. But I have met some really cool people from all over on these sites. And some people even send me unsolicited photos of themselves in various states of undress! That alone is reason to continue, no?
So when G left, I did a search for his name on Facebook. I found his profile.
Posted by durban bud at January 6, 2008 01:18 AM
Comments
HAHAHA It took me about a year of constant whinning from my friends till I signed up facebook. Then I just left it there untouched. It really doesn't do anything for me, but I'm here to please~~~
Posted by: Sorata at January 6, 2008 06:08 AM
I'm packing my bags and leaving my partner for you. Anna Nalick AND Breathe references in the same paragraph? Here's hoping that your partner won't mind...
Posted by: John at January 6, 2008 11:54 AM
In your case, shouldn't "someone I can actually poke" be "someone who can actually poke me"?
Posted by: TED at January 6, 2008 03:08 PM
And two Alien references to boot!
Nothing was settled on Friday so I'm staying in my nighties and eating bon-bons until a location is set.
Posted by: jimbo at January 6, 2008 08:07 PM
Titan closed? OMG! I live in alafuckingbama and even *I* have been to bear happy hour at Titan more times that I can remember. And Windows before that. Those poor bears. Give jimbo some love for me cause I know he is feelin' some pain.
Posted by: Raybob at January 6, 2008 08:26 PM
I completely agree about 'facebook' 'myspace' and all the other sites. I hate them. I was tricked into signing up on facebook- but I have done NOTHING to the profile.
These websites should be nuked.
Posted by: cb at January 7, 2008 11:10 AM
It is a sad, sad time. Friday night I stayed home and ate Lean Cuisine and tweezed my eyebrows.
Posted by: Herb at January 7, 2008 11:13 AM
You guys are too much. :)
Posted by: tom at January 7, 2008 11:17 AM
I think I just wet my pants. You slay me...
Posted by: Shawn at January 7, 2008 11:54 AM
that picture is going to give me nightmares. Thanks.
Posted by: Mike at January 7, 2008 06:26 PM
You could always come to Minneapolis and join in the Minneapolis Bears Movie Night (not kidding--the bartender and I were invited!).... Alas, bars usually come and go---woof will be reinvented somewhere else/etc. heck--17th street looks run down--maybe it'll push people back into that area to support businesses that seem to be falling apart.
Posted by: sarge at January 7, 2008 08:07 PM
Well I have a myspace profile, I'm the organizer for a global warming meetup group (yeah I'm one of THOSE people who actually believes the scientists), a site for my business, a manhunt profile, an adam-4-adam profile, an xtube profile. But of all those sites I always check in here every day (cept w/e's of course since you don't update then). My old life before the internet is still alive and well, but I have to admit the internet has made a dent in it.
Posted by: Dan at January 8, 2008 12:55 AM
Applebees in Silver Spring...
That was funny.
Posted by: Sly at January 8, 2008 07:35 AM
TJ! My sentiments exactly about not being on these websites after 30 years of age. I too am on Facebook just b/c people requested me to sign up. Why? Do they call/write/anything......no. What's the point I ask..... I think it's an early mid life crisis thing or holding onto college days. Where's the personal touch, occasional poke......?
Posted by: Mumping at January 9, 2008 07:57 AM
I want to say this is the funniest thing you've ever written, but I don't want to hurt the feelings of that one entry from March 2006 that also was quite amusing.
Posted by: Huntington at January 9, 2008 09:25 AM
This is such a freaking hilarious send-up. Thanks for the laugh! Its just drinking beer on a Friday night fer god's sake.
Posted by: homey-g at January 9, 2008 02:08 PM
I fell out of my chair and bit my lip from laughing so hard!
Posted by: moby at January 9, 2008 11:48 PM
My heart, she bleeds. I hope all those lost bears find somewhre to go soon. And I'm glad to hear that Bob is doing a benefit. He's so civic-minded.
Posted by: SaltyMissJill at January 14, 2008 10:54 AM
Had me laughing like an asthmatic hyperactive girl. Which isn't all that far from the truth, chest and taint hair notwithstanding.
Posted by: rangergeek at January 16, 2008 10:43 AM
http://www.jimbo.info/weblog/tj.jpg
Posted by: jimbo at January 16, 2008 02:10 PM