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February 28, 2008
The Turd Whisperer
Amazing Grace was written by an Englishman and not by slaves as Oprah would like to have you believe. She's such a goddamn liar.
Anyway--
I'm still in New England. I just had a lobster roll at Hauty's. MmmMmm. If you're ever in Hampton, New Hampshire, I highly recommend it -- only $7.50!
Now I'm at a coffeeshop trying to catch up on some work. Free wi-fi! But it's hard to work when some woman is chomping her potato chips right next to me. So fucking rude. I think she's a lesbian, though it's hard to tell in New Hampshire, since all the women here seem to have short, frosted hair. Regardless of sexual orientation, there is no need to chomp so loudly. Put the chip in your mouth, close your mouth and then break the chip apart with your teeth. When you close your mouth, the annoying sound is muffled. Why is that so hard to comprehend, Peppermint Patty?
DO I SEEM FUCKING CRANKY!?!
Well, I'm not.
But I've been around a lot of people lately. And when you're sharing close quarters with other people, you may get agitated by certain little things...like turds.
It's really distressing when someone doesn't flush all of their turds. And when I have to take a simple piss and stumble upon one of your disgusting floaters, I want to tell all your friends on Facebook how irresponsible you are with your turds. Your turd has now become my responsibility, because if I were to leave the bathroom and let the turd stay, it would look like I left it there, and I have a pristine bathroom reputation to uphold. So I try to flush your nasty little turd, but your nasty little turd is one of those small ones that just twirls around and around but never gets sucked down the drain for no other reason than to waste my time and make me curse your lazy anus. No matter how many times I flush, it's become a game of turd pong. And I'm playing a game of turd pong because you were irresponsible with your own turds. Take ownership, sicko.
To make matters worse, a little Japanese man gave me a boner the other day - during a massage. I was so embarrassed, but it's....uh...been awhile...given certain circumstances and the such...since I...well...you know...um...hence my goddamn crankiness.
Speaking of boners, frosted hair, turds and Oprah...there is a rumor that I may be heading to Chicago towards the end of May for the 30th anniversary of some event for sash-wearing homosexuals. Oh, dear..."Hidey ho!"
Posted by durban bud at February 28, 2008 10:49 PM
Comments
Oh my fucking God you make me laugh! Thank you. And as a massage therapist, we know you randy boys get boners when we rub on you and make you feel all nice and such. So do we. Feeling good just feels good, you know?
Posted by: Raybob at February 28, 2008 11:26 PM
your damn f-ing right you are going to chicago in may! we'll be sharing a room -- it'll be like a 'fur bash'....and of course--lots of great pathetic judging going on that whole weekend!
cannot wait!
Posted by: the sarge at February 29, 2008 06:55 AM
Oh my god, I was reading this thinking you should come into Boston and get away from whatever it is that's pissing you off. But by the end of the post it seemed like your current mood would make you a cranky crotchety bastard, so... =D
For what it's worth, a bit further south, in Providence, RI, there's two bathhouses. Just saying.
Posted by: atari_age at February 29, 2008 07:21 AM
The trick to sinking those floaters is to bury it with lots of toilet paper. It will ensnare that floater like a net and cast it down into oblivion!
Posted by: brettcajun at February 29, 2008 08:38 AM
I was in tears afdter reading Rob's comments about his dad and nopw you have me giggling ike a little girl. This is why I read your blog. Glad to hear you're coming to Chicago for the little pageant. Perhaps the polar ice cap that's settled over our fair city will have melted by then.
Posted by: Boomer at February 29, 2008 09:31 AM
Hints from Heloise covered the floating turd thing once. You need to wad up some TP and throw it on top of the offending turd. The additional mass in the bowl will help it suck down the drain.
She said that or use your piss stream to force the turd down while flushing.
Its TRUE!
Posted by: cb at February 29, 2008 12:41 PM
I haven't had sex in over a year. You think YOU'RE cranky ...
Posted by: Zack at February 29, 2008 02:17 PM
you become more comical by the moment. you really make me laugh....
You and hating people who chomp their food ..... thanks! I hate that too because of you. Remember the time I turned around and asked to people behind us to close their mouths while they eat....I'm sorry, but that shit IS rude.
Posted by: pam at February 29, 2008 02:41 PM
My roomie is still waiting for you to come to SF
Posted by: moby at February 29, 2008 03:04 PM
Wad up some toilet paper and cover the turd so that there's a bigger mass that will get sucked down, Einstein.
Posted by: Collette Reardon at February 29, 2008 05:00 PM
man, I've had that same problem with the floater that won't go away and being sure it's gonna look like mine! What to do? Been reading this for awhile and enjoy it like hell! But I'm having a hard time comprehending you and celebacy... now that just does not seem right! Go bust a nut, buddy! Life's too short for that shite!
Posted by: Bryan at February 29, 2008 05:15 PM
What is in Chicago?????? I really don't know
Posted by: Dan at February 29, 2008 07:57 PM
Do you have a singing toilet? That would take care of things. Mainly because no one would sit on it again.
Posted by: Alden at March 1, 2008 05:58 PM
Many other blogs already deal with tedious defecational matters in a very thorough manner. I'm sure that's not the direction you want to go in, so I can find only one interpretation for your fascination with excrement in a post about your recent lack of sex. Scat is something that's beyond my personal range of sexual experience, but I'm not judging. Enjoy!
Posted by: TED at March 2, 2008 11:30 AM
yuck!
Posted by: the other half at March 2, 2008 08:08 PM
If you are in New Hampshire, then why are you getting massages from little Japanese men instead of you're favorite Power Bottom of all time, Troy, aka Dean Coulter, who lives just over in VT and, with his BF, runs a full body work shop.
http://www.bigmusclebears.com/profile.phtml?uid=67777&me=searchresults.phtml&cnt=18&ob=1&ss=1&le=10
Posted by: Chad at March 10, 2008 10:25 PM