« Lay Off the Biscuits, Aretha | Main | The Road Less Desperate »
February 13, 2008
Is There Buttsex in Heaven?
You know damn well you were thinking the same exact question last night. So I'll ask the question for the both of us. And if there is buttsex in heaven, do we have to use condoms? Seems like it would be unnecessary, seeing as it's all pure and clean and whatnot.
Read the first and last 2 paragraphs if you don't want to read the rest of the post and just answer the question. And if you're stumped, ask your boss if buttsex is allowed in heaven. Then let me know.
My sister brought up the afterlife again, and how she's been doubting her faith lately. She's been praying for a number of people in her life who are suffering from various awful illnesses, and none of them are getting any better. I told her she probably wasn't praying hard enough, maybe try waving snakes around or speaking in tongues, like Dane Cook does. That'll get His attention.
But isn't praying really just begging for something you want in a respectful tone? But if you keep praying/begging for the same thing over and over, don't you think God is gonna get sick of your constant begging that he's tuned you out and is instead watching a post-menopausal Cybill Shepherd scissoring the bejesus out of that chick from Best in Show on the latest L Word episode, or maybe he's even brainstorming solutions for the big, violent mess in Pakistan. Or maybe he's listening to who Jada Pinkett Smith is praying to win an Oscar this year.
Then again, maybe He's Just Not That Into You and doesn't want to answer your prayers.
Of course this "unanswered prayer" will now get spun by the Christian media into another life lesson that it was all planned well in advance. It makes us appreciate the prayers He does answer, right?
I tend to remain quiet when she brings up the Lord. She's very passionate about it, and I respect her for that, even if I see the whole thing through a skeptical pair of fierce realistic lenses. It's funny cuz we were both raised in the same Southern Baptist church -- yet she kept attending the church after she turned 18; I escaped and studied the probability of dinosaur and human coexistion and eventually moved to DC to study the Art of Man Ass -- which I graduated summa cum laude, thank you very much.
The primary motivation for belief or faith in the supernatural is the fear of the unknown -- more specifically, death. Things we don't understand or can't relate with, we judge as less-than-us or, worse, a threat. Belief in a higher power provides comfort when a loved one dies (They're in a better place now; you'll see them again one day) or as a light in the fog operated by Edie Brickell during a major emotional storm (Keep praying; he will guide you through the darkness and into the light, Carol Anne). It's all so sweet that it's hard to argue against those things -- especially since they do tend to help some people feel better. And good for them. If it helps, cool. I, of course, need concrete facts. And after learning that Santa Claus was a cruel hoax that my parents enthusiastically engaged in for years, I learned adults are really just hypocrites with varicose veins and cannot be trusted.
The polls say the majority of "happy people" all have some sort of spirituality component in their daily lives. I have tried to wrap my head around the generic less-threatening term spirituality to see if I can buy into it. I've tried -- really, I have. I even have a special cockring that seems to bring me good luck. Sometimes when I think I'm getting all spiritual and at peace with the rest of the world and I'm all centered with my chi, Starship's "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now" starts blaring in my mind speakers and I lose focus and instead try to imagine what went wrong in the mid-80's to Starship. Like, did they read the lyrics to We Built This City before proudly recording the words for the entire world to hear?
But my biggest problem is with this everlasting life thing. No one seems to have specifics on what's expected up there. I guess we get re-acquainted with those who died, but then what? Hang out with our family and friends forever and ever? Sounds like a sweet, mellow idea at first -- but that would be fun for like a week, and then I'd need my GaySpace. I would ask Mother Teresa -- the new Regional Concierge Manager of Heaven, Mid-Atlantic Area -- where all the gays hang out. She would answer me immediately, while lip-synching along to Tegan & Sara's "The Con". I knew it. She was always dowdy, wasn't she? I bet she wears a Peaches t-shirt in heaven.
She pointed to a colorful waterfall where Baltimora was performing Tarzan Boy in a small leather loincloth to a bunch of moustached men and Jerry Falwell. "They're over there, son." A prissy older man in sequins sauntered by with a puppet he called Madame and she said, "Oh, not that tired old thang again. And I'm not referring to you Wayland. I can't handle any more Tarzan Boy Crap. She's tired. I know, I know, no judgments in heaven. Blah blah. God is great. God is good. But I'm just a piece of fucking wood. Kill me now! Why don't we ask Falco to perform for a change? He's jonesing to play the fountain. Rock Me Amadeus or send me to purgatory please."
Getting back to my question: can we have buttsex in the afterlife? Or is that behavior only allowed in the pits of hell, cuz I'll totally move down a few floors for some butt lovin' if we're just gonna sit around and talk for like ever and ever? Help me understand.
After we die, what happens?
I say nothing happens, sadly, but that doesn't sound very comforting to others; in fact, it sounds downright tragic and something to fear. But the truth has always been scary. Better to just ignore, I guess, and make everything sound magical and hopeful. But truthfully, none of us know what really happens when we die. We speculate and hope for the best. But I think I have a pretty good idea though. And I am totally cool with it.
Posted by durban bud at February 13, 2008 05:52 AM
Comments
Overload... not enough coffee to process such thoughts so early in the morning... But I think you just wrote what a lot of us feel... now, more coffee and self loving before work,,,
Posted by: Kelly at February 13, 2008 07:57 AM
I think there is a reason to be spiritual, but it shouldn't be because of the promise of an afterlife, or a reason to be admitted into an afterlife.
As for religion, every time I hear about any of them, it's always about control. I think every individual has their own relationship with spirituality, and to sum it all up under the auspices of an organization is not the right way to go about it. I think people join these organizations of faith because they want to be told how to be spiritual, which to me is the wrong way to go about it.
Posted by: jimbo at February 13, 2008 11:35 AM
Oh the irony! I just emailed Jesus and asked him this very question. www.emailsfromjesus.com to check out his reply. Seriously, its a website.
And no, there is not buttsex in heaven.
Posted by: cb at February 13, 2008 11:43 AM
Hmmm... Jimbo's point is pretty much my thoughts, too.
Oh, and... um, were you drunk when writing this?
Posted by: atari_age at February 13, 2008 12:13 PM
Is the buttsex in heaven? God I hope so...it just wouldn't be heaven without it...least not for me. As for religion, spirituality, etc. I tend to agree with Jimbo. Religion is just something created to "make people behave." If you don't believe me read Leviticus...it's just reads like a bunch of rules to keep "God's Chosen People" alive in the desert 3,000 years ago.
Posted by: Boomer at February 13, 2008 12:18 PM
Posted by: Dennis at February 13, 2008 12:32 PM
Will we have a butt in the afterlife or anything else of our physical form that makes buttsex so much fun? I think the only evidence we have about death is that we don't take our bodies with us when we die.
Posted by: rubber city at February 13, 2008 12:39 PM
Okay, completely obscure reference alert.
Every time I hear someone going on about the "power of prayer," my mind instantly snaps to the "Alien from L.A." episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000, where star Kathy Ireland, searching for her missing father under the earth's surface (don't ask) prays, "God...please let me find my father and I'll never ask you for another thing again."
And Crow T. Robot instantly responds in a booming God voice, "Oh, Mother Theresa, PLEASE HOLD...I've got Kathy on line two."
Posted by: johnny at February 13, 2008 12:46 PM
I think after we die there is nothing. But I don't know because I haven't done it yet. Maybe your brain sends you towards a comfortable light.
That's why we should life to the fullest. And do away with all of our insecurities. We only have one life to live. If our births are all miracles, then we should rejoice and make our time the BEST EVER!
Posted by: brettcajun at February 13, 2008 01:26 PM
There is only buttsex in the here and now, so you better get sexing!
Posted by: patrick at February 13, 2008 04:32 PM
What an excellent post! Coming from a family of religious freaks - I have learnt that these so called christian types do & say what suits & is best for them!
As a man of wisdom once said 'Get busy living or get busy dying' - so I have to totally agree with Patrick - Better get sexing!
Posted by: Dillon at February 13, 2008 05:06 PM
Religion and heaven are like diet soda: In a pinch it's tolerable, but it's never as filling as the real thing. So even if they do have buttsex it won't be as good as it was on earth and so you're gonna wish you had been reincarnated.
Either that or heaven is all bottoms who think they're tops.
Posted by: copperred at February 13, 2008 07:35 PM
There's hardly enough buttsex in Tucson for me to even start fretting about Afterlife Buttsex.
Since I don't believe in an afterlife, I better get my butt in gear.
Posted by: homer at February 13, 2008 08:23 PM
One thing's for sure: there will be "We Built This City" in hell. Thanks for getting that song stuck in my head.
Posted by: John T at February 14, 2008 12:49 AM
omg, tj, baby, this is one of your best posts ever. seriously. as always you perfectly blend calm wisdom (" . . .but deep down, i think we all really know what happens. and i'm totally cool with that.") with delightfully surreal humor (managing to perfectly incorporate Tegan & Sara AND 'tarzan boy' into one post. snaps, bitch, snaps . . .
Posted by: t.todd at February 14, 2008 02:21 AM
Yes! Next question.
Posted by: Brian at February 14, 2008 09:30 AM
Yes, there is butt sex in heaven, in fact I was just there last night. Would not be heaven without butt sex.
And that hot guy from the gym? He is into you, he was just shy, not stuck up like we thought. Same with the UPS guy, and the mailman.
Posted by: Jack Naasti at February 14, 2008 01:24 PM
I think being in heaven feels like having a nonstop orgasm.
DB: So everyone is yelling AHHHHHH! and has that dumb look stuck on their faces forever? Even worse. Hell, please.
Posted by: Zack at February 14, 2008 03:09 PM
There is, indeed, butt sex in heaven. Condoms are not necessary, and the ass is always clean, even without douching. Also, you can eat ass from here to eternity with no concern about developing any untoward medical symptoms. Also, everyone in heaven is very, very flexible (but not versatile), so it's really easy to fuck and make out at the same time.
Seriously, if there's a better pathway to the divine than sex, I don't know what it is. How could there not be sex in the afterlife.
There are, however, no Southern Baptists.
Posted by: TED at February 15, 2008 12:31 AM
It's the fact that there is no heaven that makes the buttsex so sweet.
Posted by: Dagon at February 15, 2008 12:38 AM
For me, buttsex has always been a means to get to heaven. It's really more of a vehicle than a destination. Of course, that begs the question "so have you tried to f your way into heaven?". Well, I've tried. Lord knows I've tried.
Posted by: Dan at February 16, 2008 01:27 AM
It would be nice to think that when our bodies die that there is something that survives. My attitude is we'll all find out at some point.
I think the people that will be most disappointed are the ones that believe in Jesus "just in case". If there were a supernatural sky daddy, I don't think "just in case" will count as Faith.
Posted by: robguy at February 19, 2008 04:17 AM
Fabulous! Thanks for this discussion. If you grew up Southern Baptist, it's beyond religion, it's a culture. Same with my childhood Mormonism.... part of it will always be inside, I suppose, but I KNOW I was simply a zombie until I accepted the fact that it was ALL just cult stuff... I don't think my own BRAIN had realized it could think on its own until I left. It was the most liberating thing that ever happened to me.......... oh yes, I loved your post about getting to old for A&F !! A great writer, you are.
Posted by: Mark H at March 17, 2008 05:56 PM
