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February 15, 2008
The Road Less Desperate
There comes a point in a gay man's life when he stands in front of a mirror in an Abercrombie & Fitch dressing room and thinks, "Do these Baxter Low Rise Slim Boot Destroyed jeans make me look desperate?"
That happened to me about a year ago.
I've never been much of a fashion queen, but I do enjoy a pair of well-made jeans that can last a couple years. A & F used to fit that mold. But these days, aside from comfort, it also helps if they aren't designed for one particular season or man-breed.
I went through my Abercrombie phase from 1996 to 2002 (incidentally, my clubbing years occurred from 1999 to 2002 -- hmmm). My family took notice and gave me gift cards to the store on most holidays. And they still do. I guess I should have told them I no longer shop there, but I was hoping they would notice so I wouldn't have to have "the talk." I mean, they should have noticed I stopped cutting off the ends of my jeans years ago, right? I never did enjoy how Abercrombie discriminated to those under 6 feet tall.
Through the years I have accumulated quite a lot of gift cards. Last year I decided to see what I could get. I wanted to try on some of the jeans the kids are wearing these days. So I tried on a pair of low-rise jeans. I am never doing that again. The A & F angertwink employee (one of the Jonas Brothers, I think) who helped me find "my size" could hear me sobbing and pawing the mirror as I cried, "Whhhhhy, oh God, whhhhhhy?"
I looked a fool. The jeans fit so tight you could see the nerve-endings around my hole. But it wasn't so much the tightness that was alarming, it was how ridiculous I looked. I looked like a gay Superfriend -- "Form of...an icy sssuperfag."
The angertwink knocked on my dressing room door and asked, "Do you want to try on a larger size?" I'm like, "No...but I'll take a tissue."
It was at that moment I chose the road less desperate. It's painful for a gay man in his thirties to go through "the change" and admit that he no longer can get away with wearing whatever he wants, but, much like adolescent acne, it eventually passes and we move on (to Target khakis).
I ran out of the dressing room, handed the jeans to the Jonas Brother and bought some boxers and baseball caps instead.
Do any guys look good in a pair of low-rise jeans? I suppose some older twinks can still pull off the look rather well, but then again, those same guys look like hell when the lights are turned on at 6:00 in the morning, revealing more than just glitter on their faces and an empty water bottle in their hands.
So, despite the new A & F gift card I received in the mail today from my sister, I'll stick to my "regular-rise" Quicksilvers that last me throughout the years. I can always use more boxers and baseball caps anyway.
Posted by durban bud at February 15, 2008 09:26 AM
Comments
Well, now there's Ruehl 925 for you! The clothes, however, are exact Abercrombie copies, just with different labels. Not sure about the jeans.
Posted by: ANF at February 15, 2008 10:15 AM
I've resorted to buying all my clothes at Costco. Sad, but true. But so cheap that you can always buy more if you get too fat for the pants you bought last year.
Posted by: stebbins at February 15, 2008 11:52 AM
Thank goodness they don't get you International Male giftcards.
Posted by: homer at February 15, 2008 12:00 PM
You still have nerve endings around your hole?
Posted by: jimbo at February 15, 2008 12:22 PM
So...from what store should one purchase a gift card if one were inclined to give you one for your up and coming b-day? :)
Posted by: stina at February 15, 2008 02:01 PM
I like the low rise look, but mostly because I hate pants pulled up past a belly button. So the further from that the better. I never shop at A & F though, try American Eagle
Posted by: Tim at February 15, 2008 02:56 PM
It's nice to see the dry, wonderfully acerbic Durbanbud humor returning. Reminds me of the heady days of Ms. Pussy and the Tragic National Zoo
Posted by: Mark at February 16, 2008 12:06 AM
I've noticed, especially recently, that there is some kind of unflattering distortion built into department and clothing store mirrors. All you have to do is go home and relook at yourself in your home mirror, and all will be better. You'll realize that, "hey, it's not me, it was really just the mirror". I'm thinking of writing them a letter about it or something.
Posted by: Dan at February 16, 2008 01:52 AM
Just please never, ever wear "mom jeans".
Posted by: Raybob at February 16, 2008 04:50 PM
It's all about 501s. Or, if you are fat, Carhartt jeans. Carhartts are like Mom jeans, but for bears.
Posted by: Aaron at February 17, 2008 04:37 PM
At 45 I can't even imagine shopping at A&F. I went into a store a year or two ago, the angertwinks just snickered, rolled their eyes and pointed me toward the sans-a-belt store across the mall.
But seriously, TJ I think you a fine hunk of muscle bear but my opinion would definitely change if I saw you in low-rise jeans with a "muffin top". I agree with Aaron...it's all about the 501.
Posted by: Boomer at February 18, 2008 11:14 AM
Dude, I feel your pain. Only my family chooses to get me "Banana Republic" giftcards. I have like 150 bucks that i can't spend because I can no longer wear "skinny fuck" clothing.
Posted by: cb at February 18, 2008 11:47 AM
You just made my day. I was feeling kind low after returning 4 shirts to the Gap lovingly sent by Mother. Still don't have the heart to tell her she is so 10 years ago. Is it me or have they changed all the sizes so that now, a once flattering large looks like a small on my modest frame. I suppose it's possible that I'm the one who's been changing.
Posted by: Steve at February 18, 2008 03:11 PM
AnF, like some other gay-focused clothing retailers, intentionally cuts their clothes in such a way than anybody with more than a size 32 waist will look horrible (unless, of course, you have 0% bodyfat). They just don't want you guys messing up their finely honed image by actually wearing their clothes in public.
Posted by: Dan at February 18, 2008 06:25 PM
Levis 501. Never have to worry about things getting caught in the zipper and it makes me look like I've got a nice ass.
Posted by: copperred at February 18, 2008 09:28 PM
I was never the type of gay boy that could be a slave to fashion. Once, in my early twenties, I tried on a pair of leather pants (which I couldn't afford anyway). One look in the mirror convinced me that there was no way I could make this look good. After that I just tried to get by on my personality. :p
Posted by: robguy at February 19, 2008 05:01 AM
I actually just read in HX magazine that jeans that show off the nerve-endings around your hole are in for gay guys in their 30's...
Posted by: Patrick at February 20, 2008 03:14 PM
Great news for guys in their 30s! Unfortunately HX magazine heartily endorsed a fagulous new line of "Urban Burqas" that premiered at the recent NY Fashion Week for gays over 40...ah well we all lose our charms in the end.
Posted by: Boomer at February 21, 2008 09:33 AM
At least YOUR acne went away by your 30s. I'm 45 and still shopping for Clerasil.
Posted by: rangergeek at February 21, 2008 09:52 AM
I have to agree with the others who support Levis.....501's all the way!
Never have liked zippers.
Posted by: tonkamanor at February 21, 2008 07:25 PM