Let me put this into a perspective we can better identify with. Let's say Wal-Mart offered me a job as the assistant parking lot security manager for Lots G-L during the late shift, with a decent hourly wage (and even a prescriptions-only benefit, but only if I were married to a woman, monogamous and attended church twice a week) -- I would first ask who submitted a bogus application in my name and then I would turn it down immediately.

I have homosexual standards and talents that would be better served and not stifled in a more enlightened environment. And if I still wanted a gig as an assistant security manager of a parking lot, I would seek it elsewhere. Bland, commercial, antiquated, corrupt, and poorly logo-designed companies just do not make for a happy, productive, creative homosexual. And that's exactly what's happening to our poor Roland. He's clearly unhappy and it shows in his work. But because he surrounds himself with studio heads who only tell him what he wants to hear (very Britney, actually), he doesn't see the dire global consequences to our edgy cinematic reputation.

If I were his boyfriend, I would have a heart-to-heart intervention with him. I would tell him straight up:

Me: "Ro, baby...we need to talk. You know how I like to keep it real witchu, right?"

Roland Emmerich: "Yeah, pook...that's what I like about you. There's nothing CGI about you."

Me: "Exactly, Ro. And there doesn't have to be CGI in everything you do either, know what I'm sayin'? So baby...please, for the love of Christ, stop using CGI...cuz, in all honesty, babe, it makes Clash of the Titans look flawless."

Roland Emmerich: "That hurts, cubby. CGI is what all the kids want these days."

Me: "No they don't. George Lucas single-handedly destroyed that desire with the Star Wars prequels a few years ago."

Roland Emmerich: "Oh really? Then why did all those movies make so much money?"

Me: "Because we thought he knew what he was doing; we believed in him. Plus, most of us just saw those movies to watch C3PO deliver his witty one-liners. He's one of the best gay droids out there, next to Anderson Cooper."

Roland Emmerich: "But I have made decent non-CGI films before. Don't forget, I also directed The Patriot."

Me: "And, remind me again, who was the star of that film?"

Roland Emmerich: "Mel Gibson."

Me: "Exactly. Look Ro, I believe you have talent, but you don't always have to destroy the world to prove that you're not one of those nelly fags, okay? I mean, we totally get it now. You're totally a straight-acting, no fems, no fatties, kind of guy. We get it. But you can still think outside the box. Try making films under $150 million dollars for starters. Bryan Singer has done it. Gus Van Zant has done it. Kimberly Peirce has done it. I'm not saying you need to make another Harvey Milk biopic or a courtroom drama about a pre-op-transsexual who sues Cracker Barrel for discrimination or any gay-themed film, for that matter. But you should consider making a film with an actual point, a decent script and no special effects for a change."

Roland Emmerich: "Oh, that's so harsh, babe. I feel sick to my stomach. No anal tonight."

Me: "I'm just keepin' it real, Ro, cuz I love you, and I know you can do better. You possess a quality none of your straight counterparts could ever have, and that's the unique, creative mo-jo we homosexuals were born with. Don't ever waste that gift."

But I'm not his boyfriend. And he's way too obsessed with blowing up the world to change; it's like his only creepy mission in life. He's like a gay Dick Cheney.

So let's find out what his next film titled "2012" is about:
"2012 was inspired by the Mayan doomsday prophecy that some unspecified 'change' was afoot and as a result, the world would come to an end in 2012."

I give up.