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March 18, 2008
The Other Bowlin' Gurl
A good friend said the following to me the other day:
"I think joining a gay bowling league would be good for you."
What the hell?
I only bowl like once every five years. And I enjoy it, sure, but a league? Is it the way I walk?
My initial reaction was to knee him in the groin. Then I thought, he's older and wiser (and Jewish), maybe he's prepping me for the next phase of my life. He knows we're supposed to do this once we gays enter our mid-late thirties, right? We bowl. We join leagues. We join GAY leagues. We GAY bond. "We connect, when we're together it's so per-fect." Right?
I guess it's the natural progression of a homosexual's life path. I mean, I've covered a lot of the gay basics (aka gaysics) in my 20's and early 30's -- y'know, pretended to be straight, moved to a gayborhood, came out, went through a slut phase, went through a clubbing phasE, endured the token psycho boyfriend, held Oscar parties, bought a pair of G-Star Jeans, went on a gay cruise, questioned my religious upbringing, successfully completed a stint in rehab, bought a condo and renovated it with straight lines, muted colors and ubatuba, and settled down with another dude -- I think that's most of the gaysics. Now, at this age, my elders are leading me into the gay league phase -- which, I have to say, is way better than the other phase some have selected in their thirties, and y'all know what I'm talkin' about: whether or not to use steroids phase.
I'm totally considering it -- joining a gay league, that is. Steroids will only lead to anger issues and moobs in your 40's and who wants that? Apparently some do. And we do know, big boy. No judgments, of course. "Just sayin'". Smooch.
I still have a lot of time before adhering to all the customs of our gay 40's (adopting a Vietnamese or Guatemalan baby, buying a convertible, getting gender-reassignment surgery*, regularly attending tuxedo-only fundraisers for gay rights organizations, becoming a "foodie") and our gay 50's (singing in a choir, international bath housing, using hankies, making that big move to Lauderdale or P-town, and, for the husky guys, blossoming into a hot daddy and/or going through leatherpause). Simply exhausting. We really need to respect our elders.
Of course none of this is set in stone. Gay societal life rules are much more fluid than heterosexual rules, thanks to neoteny and whether or not you were influenced by talented homosexual role-models, like Rip Taylor, C3PO and Jo from The Facts of Life. Basically some of us behave a lot younger than we really are, which keeps us interesting and even, some might say, fierce. Others might say annoying and douchebaggy. We ignore those people.
Joining a gay league would be about regaining that camaraderie we all once shared bar-hopping. It makes sense, now that most of us lead hectic adult lives in the straight world and rarely get to bond with others who enjoy banging the same-sex. I'm all about it -- especially the thought of patting the other players on the butt when they get a ssssstrike and, of course, the post-game locker room action.
Sadly, becoming less judgmental toward others and more secure with ourselves doesn't occur on the gay life continuum for most of us until we enter our late 60's -- unless you're Mr. Blackwell. But luckily for all of us homos, as I said, it's fluid.
But bowling?
*if applicable
Posted by durban bud at March 18, 2008 11:05 PM
Comments
Okay... i admit... when I first moved here to Richmond, I joined the gay bowling league... well, first i was just a sub bowler, then was asked on a team... and being the drunk that i am, well, i joined... it was fun... but, i had the biggest drama/drag queen/turn crazy queen on my team... made for an interesting ride... we did win the league championship (though i sucked, not my teamates)... i think you could have fun with it...you should do it!!! and if i spent more time in DC, i would be on your team.. though i tend to be drunk and silly by the last game... anyway, speaking of being drunk and silly, that is me now... so i digress... join the army, i mean bowling league... it is fun!
Posted by: Kelly Stern at March 18, 2008 11:51 PM
How did I never know such gaysic words before now .. like 'gaysic'? And leatherpause?
db .. thank you once again for enlightening me. C3PO ain't got nothin' on you! Smooch.
Posted by: matticus at March 19, 2008 01:12 AM
Or softball!
Posted by: Huntington at March 19, 2008 01:22 AM
LOL I wanted to join a league here but they don't have one. I guess everyone here is into the OTHER bowling.
Posted by: moby at March 19, 2008 02:58 AM
I belong to a straight men's league, a gay men's league, and a mixed (with women!) league. It's all the same. You have the pressures of being picked and doing well. It's just like High School... good luck!
You do know that if you join a gay bowling league, that eventually you'll sleep with all of them don't you? Yeah... it happens. The women in my mixed league give the WORST BJ's. Ugh. I don't know why they can't apply the appropriate amount of pressure, suction and lip gliding. Tsk. Tsk. Amateurs!
Have fun in the gay bowling league! That'll firm up your Mary wrists. Snap! ;)
Posted by: brettcajun at March 19, 2008 07:45 AM
Hmmm... I tend to buck the expected behaviors like joining gay leagues. Mainly I do this by hiding in my bedroom and waiting for something miraculously wonderful to change my life. But I'm bucking the trends, dammit!
Anyways, an activity league (I can't call bowling a sport) is, in one sense, just a way to be social while doing something else. Possibly you enjoy the something as a challenging way to keep the body in shape (maybe like rugby or softball?) or it just gives an excuse to not just sit there and drink beer but you wouldn't exactly call it "fun" (bowling, definitely bowling).
But the goal -it seems - is to be with people that you might like, bowling or no bowling. I suppose it's worth a shot. If you can tolerate the bowling.
By the way, I have issues with bowling. But that's my personal problem.
Posted by: atari_age at March 19, 2008 07:47 AM
You never cease educating some of us about the ins and outs of gay life. Loved the timeline of expectations. Seems like I hit a few of those milestones. I joined a gay bowling league my last year in Boston and it was a blast, I would have been a year older than you at that time, by the way. Maybe it IS a natural progression. I wasn't a huge fan of the sport prior, but it became something I really looked forward to. You might be surprised at the mix of people it attracts. Sadly, my move to the hinterlands of northern Wisconsin have offered no such respite, and the locals would probably not welcome the sight of my partner and I strolling our guatemalan baby down main street. What next?
Posted by: Steve at March 19, 2008 09:34 AM
OK first off...I guess I am once again a BAD FAG!!!I actually needed to look up ubatuba. I thought for a minute that you had decorated your condo with some sort of brass musical instruments turned into planters or something.
Anyway, there is life after 40 beyond the bowling lanes and guatemalan babies. The possibilities are REALLY endless. You could develop a crystal meth and group sex habit like so many of the cool middle-agers...or...er...well I guess the only other route available in your 40s is the steriods and sequential gay cruise route...at least until the Arthur-itis sets in (My Grandma always said it that way).
LOVE the concept of leatherpause btw...I think I may be about half way thru it!
Posted by: Boomer at March 19, 2008 10:56 AM
Heh heh.... "leatherpause"... heh heh!
Very cute!
Posted by: cb at March 19, 2008 11:51 AM
You forgot about giving up the gay urban scene and moving with your partner and your terriers to a small town in NH...this should happen in your thirties or forties. Given my dismal 17 on the walk score (it was skewed by the fact that the New England School of Hypnotherapy is within walking distance, though it is housed in a motel on route 1) I don't think there is even a bowling alley within 50 miles of me.
Posted by: seth at March 19, 2008 02:39 PM
I don't know. Some few of us skip this cycle of life, usually because of just taste in things to do. There is a whole "non-clubing" sub culture out there that may stop by for a beer, but in general goes out to movies, art shows, hockey games . . . the list is endless.
Perhaps this "other" track converges with this one at some age point.
I have to say however, that although I don't do it regularly, in my mid-20's. Well . . I like bowling.
Posted by: Leo at March 19, 2008 03:29 PM
Everyone I know that joined a gay bowling league turned into a drag queen.
Posted by: Jeff at March 19, 2008 07:10 PM
OMG Seth you nailed it...5 years ago my partner, I and our two terriers moved from Boystown to the burbs.
Posted by: Boomer at March 19, 2008 07:42 PM
Jeff is right, I tried drag right after I got three strikes in a row at Lucky Strike in Arlington.
Posted by: jimbo at March 20, 2008 12:01 AM
In Arizona the options include Naked Pool Volleyball instead of just bowling.
Unfortunately, as I have learned, steroid use is not the only route to Moob-age.
Posted by: homer at March 20, 2008 12:19 PM
dude, Guatemala is so 2 years ago. Also, the country is closing now.
Still, thank god I've been stereotyped.
Posted by: Brian at March 20, 2008 03:57 PM
Hey Boomer: We left Boystown 8 years ago with our terriors....which ones were yours? But da burbs? Whats up with that??
Posted by: seth at March 20, 2008 05:32 PM
I can see what your friend meant learning to go out and not drinking is an important skill. Still I'm not sure that a recovering dependent is best around a bowling alley. Take this however you want but my suggestion is to join Pink Pistols and learn about firearms. for one thing its a great skill for another thing theres no drinking involved.
Posted by: Tim at March 20, 2008 07:43 PM
Seth...housing with a yard that's not for multi-millionaires and you don't have to dodge occaisional gun fire.
Posted by: Boomer at March 20, 2008 08:03 PM
Another wonderful post, DB. Now I have something to look forward to for my 30th birthday in two years. :D
Posted by: Sorata at March 21, 2008 11:38 AM
Damn, I had missed the handout - I really screwed up the schedule... I think I did everything on that list in five years. Oh wait, I haven't done a gay cruise yet.
Posted by: Jack Naasti at March 21, 2008 12:41 PM
I will be 42 next Saturday....OMG..I havent given in to any leagues yet....LOVE this post..you make me fricken laugh! So dang true! Love it!
Posted by: Errol at March 21, 2008 05:49 PM
My parents adopted a Guatemalan baby way back in the 80s, before it was cool. I didn't realize they were such trendsetters!
Posted by: John T at March 21, 2008 08:34 PM
Yep, you've reached the Gay Age where the young begin to stare at you if you show up at a twink joint. Since I'm well beyond that age, I can't tell you how fabulous this post was to read. You captured the moment! Bowling? DO IT! Quit after a few weeks if you hate it....... We're thinking of signing up with the local Rugby Team. To Play? Hell no, just because they seem like a lot of fun, and they sure don't give you that long death look if you talk to them. Oh young gays! I know it seemed to take forever to get to be 25 but looking back, it ONLY takes a few seconds. Thank you for such a GREAT time "re-feeling" some life stuff a few years back.
Posted by: Mark H at March 22, 2008 06:29 PM
"mid-late thirties" man, I hadn't acknowledged this for myself until just now. I have this sudden urge to sell the Jeep and buy a Saab.
Posted by: StevieB at March 23, 2008 08:59 AM
Im 27 and have "settled down". I guess i now wish to join some type of gay club/group to play sport with other gay dudes. Joining a gay bowling league sounds really cool.... Are there any gay sport groups in SA??
Posted by: Justin at April 16, 2008 08:50 AM
Where can I find a gay league in Wis??
Posted by: Lynn at July 29, 2008 10:45 PM