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April 09, 2008
Paging Calpernia
I read a few news stories this morning, ate a fresh New York City low-carb everything bagel I retrieved from my freezer, and stared out the window at yet another gloomy, grey day here in DC. Something didn't seem right. I felt unsettled, like something was missing in my life.
It took awhile, but as I was reading a Maureen Dowd column, it finally hit me like a ton of bricks.
I have no transgendered friends.
There is no T in my LGB world. None at all. How can this be? How can I possibly belong to an acronym that is not fully realized in my own life? Come to think of it, there is no B in my life either. At least, none that are openly B. I do have one gay friend from Minneapolis who occasionally dines on the fallopian fun box at swinger parties, but I think he only does that to look cool in front of the bros.
My real life only represents half of my assigned acronym. How pathetic. I am not celebrating diversity. I am celebrating fraud.
A strange consequence of belonging to a minority is that some non-minority people get off on saying, "I have a gay friend!" It shoots up their status as open-minded and accepting in their own mind. Sometimes they'll invite you to a barbecue with people you don't know, so they can whisper to their friends, "He's gay." And then they'll put their arm around you to further the appearance that they're totally cool with the whole gay thing. "Look at me. I'm not afraid to touch the gay." And then they ask you to pose for pictures so they can email them to their other non-minority friends and throw in the casual photo caption: "Barbecue April '08 with Bobbie, Sue, Mary, TJ (my gay friend) and Jason".
I get it. I, too, thrive on being all diverse and shit.
Last month, I went to the Korean convenience market down the street and ran into my Nepalese buddy who runs a local shipping shop. I don't really see him, except when I mail a package, but he was all hugs when he saw me at the market. The old Korean guy who works and owns the store is always good to me. So that particular night at his market, it was me, my Nepalese friend, the old Korean man and a black guy we often see around the neighborhood. We were all smiling and chatting and being all diverse and shit, when I thought, "Holy shit. Somebody grab a fucking camera and document this beautifulness. Look at me. Look at ME. My world is filled with harmony rainbows and Benneton bon-bons." Everything played out in slow motion as Louis Armstrong's "What a Wonderful World" played in my mind. I just smiled and smiled, savoring the moment and hoping some of my friends would catch a glimpse of their awesome and accepting friend chatting it up with a variety of minorities.
I finally left and was halfway home when I heard someone yelling at me. I turned around and saw the old Korean man running towards me, smiling. "You fo'got cahd!" He handed my credit card to me, shook his finger in my face and gave a stern warning. "You can't leave deez behine. Black peoples will take."
So, yeah, not everyone celebrates diversity like I do, but anyway...
I still have no transsexual friends to pose in pictures with. Where's my Calpernia? I'm tooooootally cool with it.
Posted by durban bud at April 9, 2008 03:50 PM
Comments
Ted, who I went to grad school with, became Patricia.
Posted by: homer at April 9, 2008 04:05 PM
Living in SF, I do have a T in my circle. Actually, I didn't know he was a T until weeks after I first met him. It's interesting how FTMs are often able to "pass" more readily than many MTFs. To your wish-I-had-a-camera point; what's always disturbed me about diversity, or the lack thereof, is the way my relatives on the East Coast often respond to seeing pictures of my West Coast friends. It's not at all uncommon to hear "LP, you have black friends?" or "You know Chinese people?" Swear to dog, back in rural New England, all Asians are Chinese.
Posted by: Lucky Pierre at April 9, 2008 04:47 PM
Charlene doesn't count as a T friend? Charlene is now weeping.
Posted by: jimbo at April 9, 2008 05:24 PM
T's are all drama (especially MTF). If you manage to befriend one, make some popcorn, pull up a chair, and watch the show.
Posted by: Dennis at April 9, 2008 05:45 PM
I knew a trans flight attendant at one time, but never close enough to be considered a close friend. Oh, and "fallopian fun box?"
Posted by: Mike at April 9, 2008 06:53 PM
I know a guy that takes hormones and lives with a lesbian dominatrix, but I don't think (s)he plans on having any surgery. I don't know if that means I have a T friend, but I always thought labels were for clothes.
Posted by: Robguy at April 10, 2008 05:40 AM
I don't have much diversity in my LGBT friend spectrum. It's all G for me. My friends are people who are a lot like me and many are ones I would want to date. I am a little embarrassed about this and I really should try to go out of my comfort zone.
For example, there are plenty of Lesbians that LOVE women's college basketball. I see them at all the games when I go. I haven't made one effort to befriend them. That's fucked up that I don't even try.
It would require going out of my comfort zone, and that is something I rarely do. Sad huh?
Posted by: brettcajun at April 10, 2008 09:25 AM
Thanks for bringing this up..now I realize I am the same..No trans freinds...Used to when I was younger but lost touch...damm you! Im LGB with no T's as well.....
Posted by: errol at April 10, 2008 09:47 AM
I hate Maureen Dowd. She has to be the most miserable person in the world. I thought the only people who read her column were angry bitter women...she's like the Carrie Bradshaw to the fat, boyfriendless, ice-cream eating bitter women crowd.
UGH! RAGE!
Ps. I have only one tranny friend. She's awesome.
Posted by: Patrick at April 10, 2008 11:57 AM
I have no B's, L's, OR T's in my life. There goes THAT sandwich.
Posted by: cb at April 10, 2008 12:22 PM
This is a question of supply and demand. Everyone wants to hang out with transgendered folk for the same sheep-following-the-herd-mentality reasons you elucidate, but there are still relatively few of them to meet the ever increasing demand, so they only hang out with gays who are happening. Frankly, even with the new larger font, you probably just aren't worthy. But it's no big deal. I'm certain that someone can get you a transgendered cardboard cutout, and you can put your arms around it or stick your tongue in its cleavage and have someone snap your picture with your cellphone. In low resolution, no one will be able to tell the difference, and you'll be able to think you're cool again.
Posted by: TED at April 10, 2008 01:40 PM
I guess I'm B. I know no Ts.
Posted by: lacey at April 10, 2008 01:53 PM
OMG! I had a T tenant. She didn't pay her rent for months and trashed, absolutely destroyed, my house. I fucking hated her. She moved to St. Louis (I have friends there) became a he and changed her name to . . . wait for it . . . Cody.
I still don't think there's a jury that would convict me.
Posted by: CodyBear at April 10, 2008 05:41 PM
Two male friends who began life female. Both amazing. And I live in the Deep South, though neither of them does. Um, did have a patient at the medical clinic who once said to me, over canapes at the Christmas party, "I'm the only woman I know who has to have her prostate examined vaginally". Wow. What do you say to that?
Posted by: Raybob at April 10, 2008 05:55 PM
I know Jimbo will spout fire or something but Trans are always drama, even more so than young gays. If i hit the bars (ever) maybe I would pick up on a few but honestly I would rather hang with gays and straights even bi's! It's like a faghag and angertwink rolled into one.
Posted by: Tim at April 10, 2008 06:49 PM
Fuck that Korean Man.
Sincerely,
A Black Reader
Posted by: CinnamonJenkinz at April 11, 2008 04:05 PM
I went to college with Shannon Minter. She was the hottest guy around. Unfortunately, at the time, she was a lesbian. Now she's the head of NCLR. And no, not La Raza.
Posted by: stebbins at April 11, 2008 06:08 PM
goto the lgbt center in your community and you can make some T friends.
http://www.queersunited.blogspot.com
Posted by: queerunity at April 26, 2008 10:21 AM