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April 03, 2008
The Golden Girls
Rob's mother and aunt left yesterday after staying here for a week. Despite my trepidation (and sleeping on a sofa bed), it went very well. In fact, I would totally consider getting two women in their 60's as roommates. They're so neat and tidy! They even do this thing where they hand wash dishes right after using them. It's insane!
A few weeks ago, me, Rob and our really gay Jewish friend Greg went to a Brazilian restaurant called Fogo de Chão. You pay a fixed price and a bunch of Brazilian waiters come by and serve you a hunk of 15 different meats whenever you're ready for another oink-fest. Dawson would feel right at home here! Basically it's a restaurant that specializes in obesity and heart disease. It's a unique, bloody good experience that I would recommend once every 3 years, providing you follow it with a colonic.
Anyway, I flipped my table card to green to signal the waiter that I was ready for my eleventh piece of cow. He came over and sliced the meat off of a skewer. He told me to grab the tweezer utensil they provide you with. But it didn't matter. As he sliced it off, it fell into the plate of blood under the meat causing a mass splattering onto me. Total. Carrie. Moment. And. Not. The. Sarah. Jessica. Parker. Kind. My beautiful blue button-down shirt I bought for a $15 fortune at Marshalls was now reddish-brown. The waiter apologized profusely. I said, "It's okay, OJ. You're Brazilian, so I love you regardless." If you ever go to Fogo de Chão, make sure you take the necessary precautions. Pretend you're going to a Gallagher show. We snapped this photo of the aftermath. So gross.
When I explained the incident to my new roommates, they became fixated on getting the stains out of my beautiful blue button-down shirt I bought for a $15 fortune at Marshalls. I had already attempted to get the stains out to no avail. They recommended a stain stick, buying something called "Era", soaking it, running it through the wash again and air-drying it. And you know what? It worked. Women in their 60's are so handy to have around. I would totally adopt one. Is that possible?
Since we like our guests to be comfortable, we let Rob's mom have control of the television for the week. Big mistake. We watched Dancing with the Stars - the Results. Wow. Have you seen this madness? It was like an acid trip live on the telly. Insane! There was Kylie Minogue. There was the adorable Steve Guttenberg dancing with a guy. There was some African dance troupe or something. There was a juiced up Ricki Lake or something. There was Marlee Matlin magically working a Cochlear implant or something. There was Kylie Minogue again. There was this guy on his 4th hit of ecstacy:
And then there was this:
This show must cause seizures in some people. I had to do some Kegel exercises just to calm down. It totally worked, but now my pussy hurts. :(
Anyway, our latest guests have left. Mister Fister has come and gone. And now that my winter hibernation has once again come to a close...I can concentrate on cooking at home and getting back on a regular gym schedule. Ugh. It was so much easier to shed winter pig pounds during a weekend meth binge. But it's just not really practical. So maybe I'll see you at the gym or the farmer's market or a colonic salon this spring. It's how we gays operate before bikini season.
Oh, and for the record, I was Sophia. Rob was Blanche, of course.
Posted by durban bud at April 3, 2008 10:58 AM
Comments
Great Fogo de Chao story. Love that place. The salad bar is mucho yummy and the gaucho waiters just to darn cute for their breeches. Almost all of them are from Brazil and they all live in a group house up in Shaw somewhere. I often see little packs walking back and forth from the house to work or vica versa.
Posted by: Shawn at April 3, 2008 02:13 PM
Fucking hysterical man. Watch out, the Scientologists might come after you for posting the Presley pic. One could only hope.
Posted by: Chris Rusak at April 3, 2008 02:58 PM
Ooh. A colonic while on crystal meth must feel fantastic.
Even better: ass rockets administered via high colonic. You'd never get me off the damn thing.
Posted by: Dennis at April 3, 2008 03:10 PM
Your Carrie pic gag was quite hilarious. Something so simple caused me to laugh quite a bit. :)
I was shocked to read that you are Sophia from the Golden Girls. I always pegged you as "Rose" considering you came from the hills of W. Virginia.
I keep hearing stories that you love to milk old goats. ;) I hope these hard economic times haven't caused you to lower your standards of whorishness. That would be sad.
Posted by: brettcajun at April 3, 2008 03:14 PM
The Carrie pic totally cracked me up, I almost fell out of my chair! Era, I'll have to remember that next time I spill blood on myself.
Posted by: Monkeyboy_md at April 3, 2008 04:21 PM
Oh, you make me laugh! Thank you, humorous, sexy bear-man.
Posted by: Raybob at April 3, 2008 06:17 PM
Thanks for making me laugh on this dreary, raining day.
Posted by: Mike at April 3, 2008 06:22 PM
Another hilarious post. Thank you for the laughs.
Priscilla Presley plastic surgery makes her look like she is wearing a Japanese Kabuki mask. http://www.fotosearch.com/comp/bdx/bdx109/japanese-kabuki-mask-~-bxp26241.jpg
Posted by: TedBear at April 3, 2008 11:53 PM
i just had a laughing fit.....so great. thanks ;)
Posted by: pam at April 4, 2008 12:57 PM
I'm so totally a bitter Dorothy, except that I don't wear mumus over pants.
Posted by: Scott at April 4, 2008 02:57 PM