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April 23, 2008
Whole Foods and the Art of Deceit
I'm doing my best Price is Right model impression here. Maybe Janice?
We picked up some protein powder a couple weeks ago at Whole Foods. I do shop at grocery stores occasionally, y'know. Rob picked up another container of the same stuff the other day. I asked why he did that when we just bought some. He said it was all gone. Hmm. That's odd. We haven't made that many smoothies since the original purchase. I opened the new container and realized the problem:
I stuck a ruler inside and discovered a 4-inch gap between the top and the actual product of interest. LIES! How dare you fool me! That also seems very wasteful for a company that professes to care about the environment, no? I can only imagine how many trees were murdered and how many babies are choking on the greenhouse gas emissions caused by their little scheme. Baby killers.
It gets worse. I cursed all things Whole Foodie while making myself another WELL-RATIONED protein smoothie using soymilk. When I finished drinking it, Rob dropped this bombshell on me:
"You do know that soymilk causes men to grow breasts, right?"
WHAT!?!
Stunned and shaking, I reached down to my man-tit and squeezed. Sure enough, I could feel what felt like a little bean water. Oh God, WHYYYYYYYYY? I have been drinking it for weeks. I love it! MmmMmm. So why was this not mentioned, oh, I don't know, MONTHS AGO?!? I'm sure he's doing this for his own benefit, probably so he can secure a segment on Oprah, where he can be seen as the compassionate and doting partner of The Guy With Tits. Awwww. Guess what? It won't happen.
I see what's going on. Whole Foods is bankrupting us with pretty deceitful containers and soymilkers are obliterating our self-esteem. The demise of gay men is strategically manufactured. Game over, man. Game over.
What's next?!?
Posted by durban bud at April 23, 2008 10:13 AM
Comments
Isn't it possible that Rob is just messing with your head? He's probably still mad at you for eating that meatball.
Posted by: John at April 23, 2008 10:58 AM
All soy products have phytoestrogens and high levels can have a minor effect on male horomone levels but they could be helpful in prostate cancer provention.
Posted by: Philly Mike at April 23, 2008 11:27 AM
Whole Foods is an instrument of the devil! Of course they are bilking you for every penny they can get out of you and then laughing at your naivete.
As for soy milk. I wont' even go there.
Posted by: Tony at April 23, 2008 12:32 PM
Soy milk is only for big, strong strapping lesbians. It's not even milk; talk about false advertizing.
Now you know they sell by weight not volume, so it's just packed in tighter, like the consumer.
Posted by: copperred at April 23, 2008 12:41 PM
Blasphemy! Do not Blaspheme Whole Foods. The Bible says Jesus LOVES Whole Foods. Go ahead...read it...it's in there somewhere. He also doesn't like soy milk...I think the Bible says it's just not christian enough. Drink thee onliest from thou cow...or some such...again it's in there somewhere...read it!
Sorry about the Moobs dude...tough break...I guess "He's" punishing you or something.
Posted by: Boomer at April 23, 2008 01:15 PM
I'm very confused. How are you going to be Janice without tits?
Posted by: TED at April 23, 2008 11:40 PM
Ted - If he continues drinking soy milk the "without" part is meaningless! ;-)
Posted by: Lee at April 24, 2008 02:07 AM
As John stated above all soy products have phytoestrogens. The amount a male would have to consume would equal that of a sub-compact car and at regular intervals. Since I can't drink milk-and even the smell of milk makes me gag! I drink soy milk, I buy mine at the local grocery store where it is much cheaper than whole foods. Along with prostate benifits soy protiens also help cardiac health.
Posted by: Joey at April 24, 2008 09:05 AM
Geez, you are so bizarre.
Anyways, yeah, there's that Soy/estrogen link but I understood it to be as Joey says, really low level. Also, the bigger effect would be on childhood development, not in adulthood (I'm guessing this, of course)
And the others are right: As Lewis Black says, it's not "Soy MILK", it's "Soy JUICE".
Posted by: atari_age at April 24, 2008 11:56 AM
Perhaps he didn't tell you about the man-boobage thing because he wanted you to look more like a bottom bitch.
Posted by: cb at April 24, 2008 03:06 PM
Whole Foods
aka the cookie monster of supermarkets
*shudder*
Posted by: Spamwise at April 24, 2008 03:57 PM
Hmm, now that we have "New Seasons", we don't do the "Whole Foods" thing. The East Coast will just have to catch up.
And if you develop ManBoobs, does that mean BrettCajun will have more to tweak???
Posted by: tonkamanor at April 24, 2008 05:17 PM
Anitra was the best "Price is Right" model. Janice and Diane were the runners-up. I would return the canister to Whole Foods and let them know your displeasure. Either that or call up some bitch consumer reporter on Channel 7.
Posted by: Mike at April 24, 2008 07:05 PM
Lordy, this "Soy Lifestyle" is so foreign to me. I am more of a chicken fried chicken eater with lots of white gravy poured on top. I guess that's why dogs love to lick up on me.
It will be nice to see TJ's tits. I haven't sucked on a tit since I was a poor white trash baby in Butcher Holler. I bet TJ's nips taste like honey.
Posted by: brettcajun at April 25, 2008 12:03 PM
Powder usually settles after being shipped, so it may actually have been closer to the top when it was filled. Brett is gettin me all hot and bothered talkin dirty like that.
Posted by: matthew Thompson at April 25, 2008 11:07 PM
I prefer "When to Go," vanilla bean flavor, which I can only get at the health food store on Staten Island. Yes, Staten Island has health food stores.
Posted by: rangergeek at April 26, 2008 08:22 PM