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May 30, 2008
Baby Blue
My mom is retiring today. Congratulations, Mom!
Don't worry -- she doesn't read this site. She knows about it, but has never asked for the link. I did warn her a few years ago that she probably wouldn't appreciate my potty mouth. I thought she still might be curious...but no...she's really not. I mentioned that she might enjoy something I wrote a few months ago, but she said, "I have no interest in reading your opinion on certain discussions." And by certain, I think she was implying anal. As if I would ever discuss that nonsense here. Gross.
Anyway, I rushed to order her flowers today. 1-800-Flowers doesn't have a category for retirement flowers, so I searched around. I'm not so knowledgeable about floral arrangements. However, I do know that carnations are a big no-no for any occasion. I only know a few types of flowers by name. Gerbers are my fave! So I mainly go by pretty colors.
I tried to steer clear of the typical flower colors I've gotten her before, like pink, red, orange and yellow. I stumbled upon an arrangement called baby boy blue or something. Hmm...baby boy blue sounds like a cool retirement color. It included some white and purple flowers as well and came with a keepsake. Even better! I tacked on a balloon that said congratulations and placed my order.
I went back to the site a couple hours later to check the status of my same-day delivery order. The thumbnail of the flowers I ordered looked pretty; I assumed the keepsake was the pretty vase it came with. I wanted to see exactly what her co-workers would witness as my mom was flushed with admiration and they were thinking, wow -- what an awesome and caring son she has, so I clicked to see a larger photo version of the flowers I ordered for her.
Uh. Oh.
Hidden within all the beautiful flowers was a little frame with a photo of a boy...a baby boy. And the keepsake? It was a baby rattle.
fffffffuck!
My mission to look like the doting son who had flowers delivered to his mom AT HER OFFICE on her last day was completely in jeopardy. Instead, I would be seen as the mildly retarded son who ordered his 60-year-old mother "congratulations on the birth of your newborn baby boy" flowers -- with a fucking rattle...on her RETIREMENT day.
Shut up -- I was in a hurry! And it was grouped with all the other same-day delivery flowers. How was I to know?
Exasperated and crying, I called 1-800-Flowers and explained the situation. Luckily, the order had not yet been sent to the local florist. A pleasant woman offered to correct the mistake, once she stopped laughing in my ear for about a minute. Ha ha -- sooooo funny. She easily swapped out the baby boy flowers with some more appropriate non-baby purple flowers -- with no rattles. Whew. Heart attack avoided. I will not be made a fool of -- again!
My parents have sold my childhood home in Rochester, NY and are moving to Bristol, Tennessee in August to begin their retirement years. And no, Bristol is nowhere near Nashville. I looked it up. It borders Virginia.
It's an odd choice considering they don't really know anyone in Tennessee. My mom's brother has a vacation home there, but that's it. I guess Bristol is a vacation hot spot!
I've never been to Tennessee. When they first told me they were moving there, I instantly thought of this. I mean, what I'ma 'spose ta do when I visit? Then I remembered that Chris Crocker is from Tennessee. He said the following about his home state:
"We don't have pride and rainbows here. We have MySpace. We don't have bathhouses. We have outhouses."
Sadly there are no major airports close by. So I guess I will be taking a hot air balloon to visit. That will be nice and relaxing. I'll wave to you when I pass over your town.
In her sweet, Southern accent, my mom said:
"I caint wait fer y'all to visit! We can take a road trip to Dollywood!"
I reckon this next chapter in our lives will surely be innerestin'.
Posted by durban bud at May 30, 2008 11:12 AM
Comments
Does this mean you won't never come back to the banks of the muddy Genesee anymore?
DB: I'll go back occasionally to see a couple friends and a relative, but it will be rare. I will be returning to the banks in the next couple months to say goodbye to the home. Of course I'll stop by the Avenue Pub and maybe the Forum (which I've never even been to).
Posted by: Mike at May 30, 2008 11:35 AM
Great post it got me laughing. My assistant gave me a dirty look through my office door for laughing too hard. I guess it interferred with her wedding planning or telling her mother "MOM don't be such a fucking bitch! I can't even believe you think that (napkin design? bridesmaid dress? IUD?)would be appropriate for MY big day!" (Sad but true story.)
Anyhoo...you are so wrong about the no airport thing. I had the displeasure to have a business trip to the greater Bristol/Tri-Cities area and they are, in fact, served by the delightful Tri-Cities Regional Airport. Be prepared to sit next to Cuzzin Bessie and hold her goat and banjo when she goes to take a leak.
Posted by: Boomer at May 30, 2008 12:22 PM
You're such a good son. Thanks for that little video. The next time someone accuses me of having my balloon knot wound too tight I'mma show them Billy's.
Posted by: Joe at May 30, 2008 12:28 PM
Bristol has a NASCAR race track in it. When I was there visiting my partner's family around Christmas, we took a trip to the track. They open it up with Christmas lights decorated -- you can drive your car on the track and look at the lights. There were lots of lighted Mr.Jesus's.
DB: Yes, the NASCAR track was the big selling point for my father.
Posted by: Sly at May 30, 2008 12:54 PM
Dude, you totally missed an opportunity. How funny would it have been for your mom to get "congratulations its a boy" flowers! I mean, is she even still flowing at her age??
Posted by: cb at May 30, 2008 01:07 PM
Bristol is beautiful, though a wee tad remote.
I snorted coffee all over the keyboard when I read about the baby rattle. You slay me.
Posted by: Raybob at May 30, 2008 03:02 PM
I once had a pretty hot Craigslist hookup in neighboring Kingsport while on a business trip there. I fear the guy was married, though -- didn't want to kiss, didn't want to have any sex other than jerking me off after a long massage. With which I was O.K., because, you know, I had been in KINGSPORT, TENNESSEE for three days and was about to explode.
Posted by: Rob at May 30, 2008 03:24 PM
Hmm . .
You'll do what the rest of us Rednecks do when we retreat to our parents houses in the middle of no where.
Figure out how boring it is after three days and start taking "day trips" to major cities nearby.
I've driven through Bristol I think, maybe on the way home last time to see my parents up in (Cox's Creek, KY for the record).
At least you don't live near a place that is famous for this:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rooster_Run
And why yes . . there is a giant co . . I mean Rooster out in front of the store. They put a wreath on it at christmas and put it in the christmas parade in Bardstown.
Posted by: Leo at May 30, 2008 03:28 PM
I have actually been to Bristol, TN MANY times as a child when my father owned race cars. I was in the PIT AREA every race cheering for car #66!
It's a pretty area. You should be happy for your parents moving to a more scenic area.
Posted by: brettcajun at May 30, 2008 03:39 PM
You are from Rochester? I grew up in Binghamton. But... please don't tell anyone.
DD
Posted by: DD at May 30, 2008 07:11 PM
I've been to Opryland but not Dollywood.
Posted by: homer at May 30, 2008 07:23 PM
hmm.. my parents are supposed to be moving to TN to retire as well...
Posted by: Robguy at May 30, 2008 07:31 PM
You totally could've made the rattle work. You're her baby boy, after all!
Posted by: Jay at May 30, 2008 11:20 PM
Ahhh Bristol... where the yellow line down the middle of the street separates Bristol TN from Bristol VA... where twice a year thousands of hot rednecks come to town to watch people drive in circles... and you could hop on I-66 to I-81 and be there in hours... (really is a pretty part of the country, and if you go to dollywood, you might see the queen herself!!!)
Posted by: Kelly at May 31, 2008 09:13 AM
Add me to the list of those testifying to the scenic beauty of Bristol and its environs. A word of warning if you plan to visit Dollywood, however: Make sure there isn't some big event going on in Pigeon Forge, where D'wood is located. I was in Knoxville recently visiting friends and we drove over to the Smokies on Saturday, only to get totally, hopelessly gridlocked for hours in Pigeon Forge due to some kinda hot rod rally or some such. The town is a major factory outlet mecca, so even under normal conditions it can get pretty crowded.
Posted by: John at June 1, 2008 02:16 PM
My parents retired from Upstate down the Northern Neck of Virginia (near Williamsburg). They hate it and want to move back north. Just a different mentality.
DB: My parents are originally from West Virginia, so they're used to that way of life. I just warned them that they better not get fat, like my other relatives who moved back "home".
Posted by: stebbins at June 2, 2008 11:11 AM
Can Don stay with your folks when he goes down for the NASCAR races?
DB: I'll meet Don down there sometime and go with him. My dad would love that. Plus, I need to get my redneck on. It's been awhile. Vroom vrooooom.
Posted by: dumbek at June 2, 2008 11:56 AM
One weekend when you visit your parents in Bristol, drive down to Asheville, N.C., and hang out downtown. Awesome place. And the gays are buying mountain homes there in droves.
Posted by: Steve at June 3, 2008 06:41 PM
Yay, what a sweet son! That flowers for a new baby would have been something that her coworkers would remember her by for a loong time :P, not that they wouldn't hehe... Congrats to her!
Posted by: Kris at June 4, 2008 09:32 AM
Well when you do come back for the big farewell, make a note of it in advance on the blog, and I'll make a point of buying you and your man a soda or whatever at either place, after proper introductions of course. The Pub is where me and mine met 16 years ago and the Forum is not as bad as you've feared all these years. Not nearly.
Posted by: Mike at June 10, 2008 02:22 PM