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May 02, 2008
I Eat My Candy with the Pork & Beans
Yesterday, I ran into a guy I had a one night stand with when I first moved to DC. That was awkward. I was walking down 17th, listening to Weezer's new song (download "Pork & Beans" today!) and just rockin' out and bein' all gen-ex, when this figure walked in front of me and stopped. With a large grin on his face he's all, "Heyyyyyyy!" I hardly recognized him outside of the 69 position. I took my earpieces off, "Oh, hiiiiiiii." GULP. He asked, "How's it going?" "Oh you know...good." "Would you like to get together for lunch and catch up?" "That'd be...good."
Luckily we didn't have anal back in the day, cuz that would have made it even more awkward. Call me old-fashioned, but I have to know a guy at least a couple days before getting intimately acquainted with his rectum. Know what I mean? I'm just kidding. I'm a total slut on the first date!
Truthfully, he's one of the nicest one night stands I've ever had. I've seen him on the streets or in the porn shops throughout the years and he's always been super friendly to both me and Rob. We've just never hung out since our last...encounter.
One night stands are rarely one night stands. You will run into them again.
If I remember correctly, the sex was pretty lame -- which was totally my fault. I was a newly out young gun and had no idea how it all went down. I just remember he was very verbal, which was hot. It's always the nice guys who have the filthiest mouths. Seriously. Look around your office and focus on the nice guy. Now picture him saying, "Suck daddy's dick, you goddamn hairy whore" -- cuz I'm sure that's what he says when he thinks no one is watching.
Have you ever been having really hot sex and you're dirty talkin' and bein' all nasty, but you somehow screw up the delivery of your words and ruin the moment? For instance, "Yeah, ya like that ass in your dick, don'tcha?" Ruh-roh. Just curious, never happened to me.
Did you know there's a whole anti-anal faction of the homosexual community? I mean, I know there are some guys who don't do it, but I didn't know there was such revulsion that it prompted some to start an alliance and write NSFW articles about it. It's like an anti-anal fight club. I discovered a NSFW link to this society on some guy's Big Muscle Bear profile. They advocate frottage (which is dry humping) and dis the buttsex with statements like this:
"You know, if you look at all the guys who have sex with other guys -- and that's a lotta guys dude -- most of em never go near anal.
"They don't like the shit, they don't like the disease, and they don't wanna be nobody's bitch.
"And they don't wanna make some other guy into their bitch neither.
"Cause if they want coochie -- they're gonna go for a girl -- not another guy."
Hmm. Don't dis the man coochie, dude.
Some wonderful words of wisdom from our dear Alexyss Tylor about male hygiene. (via Jimbo)
Oh, and here she is talking about the topic at hand. Watch and LEARN!
Posted by durban bud at May 2, 2008 09:28 AM
Comments
I didn't even know it counted as sex without the buttfuckkin. Hell, I've been doin it that way since I was 12! Its called a douche. A good bottom is a clean bottom. But if you have a Shower Shot installed, your a slut.
Posted by: Chad at May 2, 2008 10:58 AM
Oh Lordy, you should write an etiquette guide.
Posted by: homer at May 2, 2008 11:04 AM
The anti-anals don't want anyone to be the bitch? Then what's the point?
I met a guy via BMB who said he wasn't interested in anal and that killed any attraction I had for him. Killed it dead. I wish he had said something in his profile so we didn't waste each others' time.
Posted by: Dennis at May 2, 2008 11:24 AM
I have to agree, verbal is nice... that's one big criteria of being a good top, or is that being a daddy? Hmm...
Posted by: Sorata at May 2, 2008 11:24 AM
I completely get that there are folks out there who don't do anal. I also didn't know that some were this up in arms about it.
For me it ain't sex til someone gets fucked. (Just call me Bill Clinton).
Also as one of the millions who have done both girlcoochie and boybutt...just speaking for myself but the boybutt wins every time. I don't have any idea what they are talking about.
Posted by: Boomer at May 2, 2008 01:17 PM
So like, weirdly enough, I am listening to The Red Album as I read this.
Douches: do it every day. Whether I am doing the buttsex or not.
See, it's a cool thing to be safe in the knowledge that the cock is gonna come out all nice and shit-and-mess-free!
The number of guys I have got into just sticking the shower hose (minus showerhead) up their ass as just a regular part of their daily ablutions! Lost count.
Posted by: CraigF at May 2, 2008 02:49 PM
DUDE! The FIRST rule of Anti-Anal Fight Club is: don't talk about Anti-Anal Fight Club!!!
Posted by: cb at May 2, 2008 04:39 PM
I didn't know about "the club" either! ::chuckle:: It'll surprize the anti-gay twits who think that anal sex is all that gay men do!
Posted by: Lee at May 3, 2008 06:17 AM
If God had meant for men to fuck each other, he'd have put holes in their asses.
Posted by: Raybob at May 3, 2008 10:23 AM
The nicest guys have the filthiest mouths? Is's a theory, I suppose.
*God damn it mutha fuckah, bitch whore cunt floosie*
Posted by: Darin at May 3, 2008 01:04 PM
I think that trying to sell frottage by attacking other forms of sex is a tacit acknowledgment that you can't sell it on its own merits. If guys want to get off that way, then more power to them, but it's never been enough stimulation for me. Or even very exciting.
I wonder how many tops actually call bottoms "bitch." I will only do it with a total sub who gets excited by hearing it. Otherwise, it's too hard for me to say without laughing.
Posted by: TED at May 3, 2008 01:48 PM
That is so true. Verbal stuff can be sooo hot with the right guy. But (and I am going back a few years here) we have all made "closing time mistakes."
In that case you may find the top saying "take that big cock bitch" and a coach purse is falling out of his mouth as he says it. We soon see the error of our ways. Ahhh...breed in haste...repent at leisure. I usually looked for the silver lining and began thinking as he pounded away...hmmm...maybe I'll actually be able to find a cab home when he's done and make a mercifully quick exit. :)
Posted by: Boomer at May 3, 2008 04:10 PM
I'm in complete agreement with TED here.
Crazy!
Posted by: Dagon at May 4, 2008 02:29 PM
The problem is so MANY think they are sounding hot talking all dirty and they don't. You have to MEAN it, bitch!
Posted by: moby at May 4, 2008 08:26 PM
I find that I get tongue tied during sex. What I do like is heavy breathing broken up by grunts.
Nothing is hotter than a guy bent over, breathing heavy through a bitten lip, and grunting with a look on his face that says "give me more..."
Holy crap that got me excited just writing that.
Posted by: Hotrod at May 5, 2008 01:37 AM
I used to get all tongue tied myself, but after years of practice I finely got it down. Sure I felt silly at first, but now that I given in to my inner pig bottom and really mean it, it works.
Posted by: Jack Naasti at May 5, 2008 05:21 PM
I believe that if some guy called me a “whore cunt floosie” I automatically think of Julie Andrews in Thoroughly Modern Millie. Start me giggling and the butt-munching would be over.
Posted by: StevieB at May 8, 2008 07:16 PM