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May 09, 2008
The Evolution of Duck Dick
Scientists have been baffled recently by the ever-increasing size of the duck penis. It is usually the size of a rice grain during the off-season, but as soon as spring rolls around -- yummm...spring rolls -- it grows to about 8 inches or longer, and is shaped like a spaghetti corkscrew. So hot. Scientists wondered, why the hell was this happening to duck penises?
It took a female scientist to ask, "Hey, have any you brainiac science dudes looked inside the lady duck's vadge?" To which they all replied, "Uhhhh...no."
Sure enough, as she put a female duck in stirrups, she discovered the oviduct has gotten much more complex. It has evolved into a cavernous maze of twisty tributaries and hot pockets, thus making it more difficult for a duck dick to get "up in thurr" to complete copulation.
The reason for this?
Male ducks are notoriously promiscuous -- proving once again, men are pigs regardless of sexual orientation or feet webbing. So to prevent Joey Buttafuoco ducks from "just sticking it in" when a female duck is screaming, "Get the fuck off me, you nasty quackhead!" -- he must work harder for the money -- and, more importantly -- have a willing partner. There are no quickies when it comes to duck sex. She must consent in order for him to perform the crazy gymnastics necessary to fully access her warm puzzle of love.
On the rare occasion a female is subjected to what scientists refer to as "forced-mating" -- and what I refer to as "duck rape" -- she can block the sperm from reaching its intended target. Using her oviduct muscles, she forces his duck sauce into one of her hot pockets for brief storage until she pisses the rubbish out -- the ultimate piss off!
Female ducks have advanced beyond humans when it comes to curbing unwarranted sexual advances. They are the Anita Hills of the animal kingdom, rising up and taking names. Rewiring a fundamental truth held for thousands of years in duck biology, and "twisting" it into their favor is truly remarkable and worthy of an award of merit from NOW's duck chapter.
Will humans evolve in the same manner? Remains to be seen. We've all seen some twisty, curvy dick, but nothing that would suggest a pattern -- at least not yet.
Sadly, human evolution appears to be at an impasse.
But faced with insurmountable odds as we continue to poison our world, prepping it for the next impending ice age, evolution never rests. The strong will survive, along with the most favorable traits, and the garbage will be eradicated.
We have to be patient.
Posted by durban bud at May 9, 2008 10:10 AM
Comments
OK I completely bust a gut laughing at this post...but it has left me completely speechless. I think I need to just "process" it for a while. :)
Posted by: Boomer at May 9, 2008 01:04 PM
My "warm puzzle of love" is like one of those Kindergarten ones... about 4 pieces and not hard to stick together.
Posted by: cb at May 9, 2008 01:15 PM
"...she forces his duck sauce into one of her hot pockets for brief storage until she pisses the rubbish out"
Gross. I will never be able to eat a spring roll with a packet of duck sauce without thinking of this great analogy.
Posted by: Sarah at May 9, 2008 01:26 PM
Pigs have a corkscrew penis too. Some animals even have a 2 headed penis! If our evolution is headed that way, watch out lower intestine, your curves are no match for Darwin!
Posted by: Gooster at May 9, 2008 02:17 PM
Is this a recent evolutionary development, or just that no one noticed this trait until now?
Posted by: Dennis at May 9, 2008 02:41 PM
Nope, the "strong" won't survive. Only those with whatever traits allow them to survive and have kids when others can't.
Posted by: atari_age at May 9, 2008 02:53 PM
Are we getting a tad bit judgemental on our male duck brethren? Why are you sticking up so much for female ducks? They are such prick teases!
Thanks to you, now we know that female ducks have caused the male duck to develope a long probe with a retractable wire feature that stretches up to 8 inches. Female ducks are so high maintenance and such control freaks! Ugh.
BTW -- Can I have a little duck sauce for my crab rangoon?
Posted by: brettcajun at May 9, 2008 03:26 PM
Science is wonderful.
Posted by: homer at May 9, 2008 06:46 PM
I heard a rumor that a similar, but opposite, phenomenon explains the appearance of neon arrows on the posteriors of certain bloggers who live in DC, but I'm too much of a gentleman to name names.
Posted by: TED at May 10, 2008 12:36 AM
I have been told to "go fuck a duck" before, but never realized what dexterity it required.
Posted by: rangergeek at May 10, 2008 01:40 PM
Okay, well I guess cassoulet isn't going to be on the menu at Chez Spamwise anytime soon....
Posted by: Spamwise at May 12, 2008 06:29 PM
That was left-field. I'm confused, can I have mine super-sized please.
Posted by: Sorata at May 14, 2008 11:05 AM
http://www.schemamag.ca/archive2/images/long-duk-dong.jpg
I can't believe I didn't think of Long Duk Dong when you first posted this.
Posted by: Dennis at May 15, 2008 11:28 AM