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May 05, 2008
What's Up With This Unhealthy Obsession with Pomegranates All of the Sudden?
I bought the most recent issue of Men's Health with Matthew Fox on the cover (not pictured here, but the covers are all similar). Every time I see this magazine I roll my eyes because they deliberately put words like "Flat-Belly," "Abs," "Gut," "Get Rich" and "Sex" in big, fat letters on every single cover to lure the lame. I'm on to your sneaky marketing gimmick, MH!
So I buy it.
Every couple of years some ancient plant or tree root originally discovered thousands of years ago for its medicinal purposes by cavemen -- usually used in those days for treating ailments like cholera, liver disease, Tyrannosaurus bite wounds, Neanderthal incontinence, and, of course, laugh lines -- gets hyped and marketed as a new healthy cure-all for the masses. The marketplace then becomes saturated with all kinds of products hocking the miracle substance. Green Tea, Echinacea, Hoodia, Omega-3 fatty acids, St. John's Wort and David Archuleta are just a few recent examples. Naturally when I read in Men's Health that aronia -- also known as the chokeberry -- is the next superfood, OMG -- I HAD to add it to my protein shakes.
I looked for it at both Harris Teeter and 'Hole 'Tudes. Neither carried it, nor knew what the hell I was talking about when I asked. I'm like, "It's the berry of the fucking future!" I also asked a young Harris Teeter employee where the edamame was located. He said he didn't know, but loudly asked a co-worker, "You know where we keep enemas?" That was lovely.
Then I read aronia is one of the ingredients in a drink -- with other fantastic anti-aging antioxidants -- called Oki (pronounced "oak eye" -- just telling you so you will not be ridiculed by the herb elite). Apparently Oki is only sold in black market health food stores in San Francisco and Portland (probably found in the skunk weed aisle). Hey Matty, Moby, Huntington, John, Tonka, and Rodger -- help a brother out. Send the east coast a couple cases of this magical life-saving energy drink, so we can thrive as well as you do. Thanks.
The same issue of Men's Health includes another silly Best American Cities list. As a gay man, I am programmed at birth to love charts that rank things -- Casey Kasem was like a second father to millions of confused boys who regularly read Billboard magazine, along with our Encyclopedia Brown books. Anyway, the subject of the latest list is "Most Sexually Satisfied Cities."
And what is the most sexually active city, you ask?
Well it's...
....drum roll please...
Indianapolis
But, of course!
Here is the rest of the top 10:
2. Columbus, OH
3. Fort Wayne, IN
4. Cincinnati, OH
5. Salt Lake City, UT
6. San Antonio, TX
7. Denver, CO
8. Austin, TX
9. Boise City, ID
10. Chicago, IL
One can infer that the mid-west (especially Indiana!) is full of smiling men with chafed penises. It should be noted that San Antonio, Austin and Denver were also featured in the top 10 of Drunkest Cities -- with Denver getting the coveted top spot. Hmm.
Sadly, the least sexually satisfied cities are:
100. Lexington, KY
99. Birmingham, AL
98. Manchester, NH
97. Yonkers, NY
96. Montgomery, AL
95. Newark, NJ
94. Providence, RI
93. Jersey City, NJ
92. Greensboro, NC
91. Jacksonville, FL
One can infer that men in these cities are irritable and more likely to snap at others -- but I don't judge. Someone help these boys out and scratch that itch.
Not sure how accurate the list is for gay men, though -- mainly because they factor birth rates into the tally, and not Manhunt user-sessions or Leona Lewis downloads. But they also include porn shop sales and condom purchases, so it must be right-on to some extent.
Washington, DC ranked 13th -- right outside the top 10 with a bullet! Not only are we livable, we're also very satisfied. Come visit!
Posted by durban bud at May 5, 2008 12:25 AM
Comments
Those berries look like they'd be great floating in champagne. Is it taking the place of the gojiberry, which btw tastes super foul?
DC doesn't do well because eligible women likely outnumber available men by 3 to one. There are lots of the gay in town plus nobody wants an unreformed frat boy if he doesn't look like Matthew McConaughey. Plus did you see how well we did on the low DUI list? Good for us they don't include VA...
Posted by: copperred at May 5, 2008 04:06 AM
Fort Wayne 3rd??? Must be for straights 'cause my friends and I aren't feelin' it!
Posted by: Greg at May 5, 2008 06:52 AM
Fort Wayne ranks above Cincinnati?
So now I know why my detective-younger-brother is doing well!
R~
Posted by: Raven~ at May 5, 2008 10:17 AM
Um, TJ. There is NO mention of any 'cavemen' anywhere in the bible. Perhaps you meant the jewish 'slave men' in Egypt??
Posted by: cb at May 5, 2008 10:56 AM
I grew up calling those berries ChokeCherries. They're found all over my home town of Taos, NM. My grandmother makes ChokeCherry Jam every year and sends me a jar. I was shocked when I moved to Albuquerque and No one had ever heard of a Chokecherry. They Grow on Tall trees in tight clusters. They're real tolerant to just about every weather condition. Taos usually drops below zero for 5 months out of the year and they still bloom every spring. The trees grow very rapidly. The fruit has a very unique after taste. Its very sweet and yet it has a drying effect on your tongue. If you'd like I can mail you some seeds. They'll grow in a large pot. if they aren't plantd in the ground they grow more like a bush. They fruit once in the early summer, but they make great jam.
Posted by: Hotrod at May 5, 2008 01:13 PM
Men's Health. Has to be the easiest job in the world working there. Just take random paragraphs from other articles over the past year, rearrange in any order, add new hot man pic of the day, assure the words "abs", "pecs" or "guns" are splashed on page (but never EVER "ass") cause that'd be gay, and publish.
Posted by: atari_age at May 5, 2008 03:05 PM
1. Indianapolis, IN
2. Columbus, OH
3. Fort Wayne, IN
4. Cincinnati, OH
Hmmmm.....looks like 100 miles either side of the Indiana/Ohio border. See Brett, we do have sex up here.
Posted by: Jeff at May 5, 2008 06:08 PM
People are misunderstanding our Indianapolis ranking.
Hoosiers are probably most sexually satisfied because they are easily satisfied with getting little to no sex.
That's my story and I am sticking to it.
Posted by: Jeffrey at May 5, 2008 06:48 PM
Now you've gone and let our secret out. We have to "keel" you now.
Posted by: moby at May 6, 2008 01:00 AM
My idea of a "superfood" is Peanut M&Ms...
Posted by: Matt at May 6, 2008 03:25 PM
Check the freezer case for the edamame, near the peas & beans. Do they stock the new bigger Fleet in the pharma section?
Posted by: R.B. at May 6, 2008 07:37 PM
I can attest to being sexually unsatisfied in Greensboro.
Posted by: Zack at May 7, 2008 12:39 PM
We need all that Oki considering all the sex we're having.
Posted by: rodger at May 7, 2008 03:33 PM
So here in Denver we’re somewhat horny and drunk. That explains a lot.
Posted by: stevieB at May 7, 2008 08:14 PM