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June 30, 2008
Baby, Please Don't Kill Me to Collect My Life Insurance
We didn't go to the beach this past weekend. Someone wasn't feeling well; plus, it was supposed to rain ALL weekend.
It was sunny and rained all of five minutes the entire weekend. Thanks, weathermen!
Instead, we watched a Dateline mystery. It was about a man who pushed his wife off a cliff so he could collect her life insurance and start his life anew.
The story made me feel unsettled. I looked at Rob and asked what any normal guy would ask his sodomy partner, "Baby, you're not ever going to push me in front of a Metro Bus, are you?" He assured me, "No, my little cocoa puff. I will not murder you." "You promise, schnoogie woogie?" "I promise, sweet nectar of my gay melon." Pheeew...no murder for me (by him) -- yay!
I think it's important for all couples to have "The Talk," just to be clear about your goals for the future. Communication is key, they say.
So me and my non-murdering partner went to finally see Sex & the City so we could get all carried away and whatnot.
We thought it would be a good time to see it, what with all the girls and gays having already seen it. MmmHmm. The joint was packed. But thanks to my custom of arriving a half an hour before showtime, we got good seats, while all the other girls and gays had to split up and sit in between people they didn't know. Should have planned better, cupcake.
There were plenty of men in attendance. So much so, that the woman sitting next to me asked, "This is for Sex & the City, right?" "Oh, it sure is, sssweetie. It sure issssss."
About five hours later, I was no longer getting carried away. I was thinking of ways for Carrie to off Big to collect his life insurance.
The Regal Cinemas downtown are a great place to see movies -- except when there's an event at the Verizon Center. An event there leads to people loitering and being all loud, while I'm just trying to mentally escape from it all. "Shut up and get out mah way! You're harshin' my chi!"
Because of the high price of gasoline, and our desire to be labeled greenies, we took the metro to the theater. Also, we don't own a car.
The green line is especially convenient when we need to head downtown -- except when there's an event at the Verizon Center. I think this time, though, there might have been another type of event happening around the Convention Center. Several people were wearing baseball caps with just a W on them. George Bush supporters, no doubt.
One guy yelled, "Hey, does anyone know what the final score of the game was?" I was all, "No idea. But in the game of life, Carrie won Big time!"
I heard Rob mutter, "How much is your life insurance worth again?"
I would like to offer this blog into future evidence.
Posted by durban bud at June 30, 2008 12:20 PM
Comments
Taking into consideration who the average juror is, Rob would probably have a great defense -- protecting himself and others from such awful comments as that last one. ;)
Posted by: 'stina at June 30, 2008 1:07 PM
1) I LOVE the term partner in sodomy (POS) and thank you for inventing it. it is SOOO much better than the lame "life partner" (in what firm?) or the queesyness inducing "lover."
2) I also live in fear of my POS offing me for the insurance money. I constantly catch him staring at me while we are watching Law and Order SVU reruns (Cuz ya know Chris Meloni might just get naked like he did in OZ...he's just dreamy...but I digress) and when I question him about what he's lookin at he just mumbles something about ...being worth more to him dead than alive. Sometimes I think he's only waited 11 years so that my employer sponsored life plan will reach the maximum based on my salary.
3) Gotta go and check the brakes lines on my car...for the third time today...can't be too careful. This morning he tried to get me to watch his toast in the toaster for him...while I was in the shower. I won't fall for THAT one again! My Mama didn't raise no fool!! :)
Posted by: Boomer at June 30, 2008 2:20 PM
One more thought. Perhaps the reason that Rob hasn't done you in yet is that he now realizes that he could make much more off your glorious fuzziness by pimping your ass out in the DuPont Circle Red Line station...I can see you now splayed out across the world's longest escalator in your leather jock...opps...I got the vapors. Gotta go.
Posted by: Boomer at June 30, 2008 2:44 PM
Doncha'll live in the wrong town to be labeled 'Greenies"? And aren't "Greenies" those expensive doggie 'Crack' treats my dogs crave after their dinner?
And can you offer a blog post as evidence? I must check with my attorney friends. Cause if that is the case, I need to erase/eradicate/remove from existence, some things.
Hmm, my hubby would be much more wealthy if he offed me. Maybe I should check my car and my motorcycle.
Wait, my bicycle has been feeling a bit different on my commute into downtown.
Posted by: tonkamanor at June 30, 2008 3:32 PM
Um, yeah. I'm thinking that "Carrie won Big time" comment was SO push-worthy.
Posted by: cb at June 30, 2008 3:46 PM
You lost me somewhere in the patch of gay melons.
Posted by: Signalite at June 30, 2008 6:06 PM
I guess it all matters where you live, y'see over here my partner in sodomy has no access to my life insurance, so is in no way motivated to trip me up on front of an oncoming tram. Let's hope that law gets changed soon!
"Carrie won big time" is surely no reason to off you, in fact with that kind of insight he should be offering to get you off, not have you offed.
Le sigh, I believe I may now be the only person who hasn't seen Sex and The City. Woe is me.
Posted by: Kezza at June 30, 2008 6:38 PM
TJ, to quote my mother: "Don't listen to weathermen, they are paid to lie to you."
Posted by: Leo at July 1, 2008 4:28 AM
Saw SATC this weekend, too.
Wow - such a shame, and I had such fond memories of the TV show. Why'd they turn it into such a chick flick? I thought I'd stumbled into 27 Dresses!
Oh - and the ending? Never gonna happen.
Posted by: stebbins at July 1, 2008 11:09 AM
Well, I don't yet have a hubby OR a life insurance policy. Ffffuck! What does that mean?! Oh, actually, maybe it means I'll be living a little longer. I can stop whining about not having either of those things - for now anyways...lol
Posted by: Rob at July 1, 2008 1:58 PM
Well, I got the life insurance policy covered. Now I just need to find a non-murdering POS.
Posted by: moby at July 1, 2008 4:53 PM
If he's smart - Rob would seduce some guido from the gay mafia to do the dirty deed ... then again I guess he'd have to share the wealth and always worry that the new hubby might off him to double the payoff.
Posted by: BigLug at July 5, 2008 1:43 AM
Wow, it's as fun reading the comments on this one as the post itself, which was absolutely hilarious.
PS: I have been asking my POS about his life insurance lately. :D
Posted by: Sorata at July 8, 2008 6:03 PM
He is going to kill me. I am sure he is. He is driving my things back, he will have a loaded gun. He has told me he will put a hole in my son in law and I may have one too. There are a lot of loaded guns. Domestic issues, I have no one to turn to. Long term domestic parter, not married; won't return my property, I have no rights.. low functioning alcoholic. Short term memory loss. He doesn't remember, every day a new day. god help me september 11 + mn 56401, he will be here, he said he will make sure I hate him after this. I hope so. Nine years of puking fear. Will be over. Wish I didn't hit like a girl. Wish I wasn't a cindy. Muscles please God.
Posted by: Terri at August 24, 2008 2:11 AM