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June 06, 2008
Night Grinders
I was walking through Dupont Circle listening to my iPod when I noticed a bunch of people were stopping. I took my headphones off to check out the commotion. Some homeless guy was screaming at another guy sitting in the grass. People were looking around at everyone else with that "maybe we should do something" kind of look.
Then I thought, OMG -- I bet this is one of those ABC News John Quiñones "What Would You Do?" gotcha reports, where he films some actors making a scene to see if anyone helps out.
So I put my headphones back on and walked away, waiting for Ms. Quiñones to run up to me with a cameraman and yell, "Why didn't YOU do SOMETHING to assist?" And I would have been all, "Get off my dick, John Quiñones. I don't want to be a part of your stupid show, John Quiñones. That's why I didn't help. It's all because of you. You're creating a cry wolf environment around the country and I'm on my way to the dentist -- so piss off, John Quiñones."
A few years ago I ever-so-slighty chipped my front tooth. It was rather pathetic. I was putting a glass dish in the microwave over the stove and somehow it hit my mouth. The sad truth is I was stone cold sober, too. Naturally I was all owwww and tasted something chalky. I ran to the mirror and saw a small chip on the bottom of my tooth.
After sulking and wearing a surgeon's mask for the rest of the day, I showed a few people the chip I have since named Chester. They all said that Chester wasn't even noticeable and I was exaggerating the severity.
As we all know, being gay amplifies slight defects three-fold compared to our straight brothers. But it was happening to ME, so it was indeed awful.
My dentist fixed it, but whatever he filled it in with has since been chewed and swallowed.
I saw him recently and asked if he could fix it again. He said, "Not until you stop grinding your teeth. It's pointless otherwise." I was all, "Excuse me? I am not grinding my teeth. I'm a chill kinda guy. I would know if I was grinding my teeth. And the only time I ever grind my teeth is when I read Andrew Sullivan -- and that's rare." He told me I'm not aware of doing it cuz I'm sleeping.
What? Why would I do that when I'm sleeping? I don't dream of Andrew Sullivan. My dreams are all rainbows, porn stars and Martha Raddatz interviews.
Then I thought, OMG -- maybe I'm X-ing in my sleep! This is one of those long term effects of doing ecstasy in my gay youth, isn't it? I knew that shit was bad. As if the holes in my brain weren't bad enough!
He said it's fairly common for people to be night grinders.
I still think it's ecstasy related. Rob accused me a few weeks ago of clapping in my sleep. Must be all the beats in my head, man. I assume I'm still hearing "Unspeakable Joy" or something Kim English-y or Thunderpuss-y.
He also said that on another night I extended my hands into the air (like I just don't care) and softy rubbed the top of my hand with my fingers, while smiling. I'm totally X-ing in my sleep.
My dentist asked if I was on any medications. Nope, not even Tylenol PM these days. If it's not a medication side effect or an Andrew Sullivan article, then it must be a long-term side effect of ecstasy use, right?
He recommended I sleep with a "night guard" in my mouth. Instantly I thought of Joan Cusack in Sixteen Candles. Yeah, that's not gonna happen. And how much is one of these night guards? "Just $625. Your insurance will pay half."
I told several people about this and they said I could find something cheaper at Target that rugby players use or something. When I mentioned this to my dentist, he laughed and said, "No no no, that will actually make your teeth worse." Thanks, Jimbo! If I listened to you, I would end up looking like this.
I need to get one, though. He said if I don't stop I will fuck up my bottom teeth and then I will be required to get something called Invisilign installed on my teef. "What's Invisilign, doc?" "It's clear braces." "Oh, you must be joking. Braces? I'm like 37. And I'm gay. Not gonna happen. I will be banished from the Saliva Pit and shunned like a Log Cabin Republican."
And how much is this Invisilign you speak of? "About $6,000, not covered by insurance."
I'm totally getting a night guard.
Being gay and happy is so fucking expensive. And doing E doesn't help.
You've been warned.
Posted by durban bud at June 6, 2008 12:18 PM
Comments
TJ, you absofuckinglutely crack me up. I am laughing more because I met you in person. I KNOW many of your strange little quirks and methods to your madness now. Don't worry... I'll carry them with me to my grave.
But I could have totally fucked with you all weekend in DC just by making up odd things about you that didn't really exist. That would have driven you batshit crazier for sure! :)
I suppose I am laughing mostly because you are not any different than I am or any queen for that matter. We all have our quirky little obsessions. And the reality is... none of us will ever be perfect. But god dammit if we wont try!
Now put down that Ding Dong and hit the gym fatty! ;)
Posted by: brettcajun at June 6, 2008 01:21 PM
Well, you obviously need to sleep with SOMETHING in your mouth at night. Maybe you know someone who could help you out with that?
Posted by: cb at June 6, 2008 01:37 PM
See, I grind my teeth in my sleep, so does my other half and so have the majority of men I have ever slept with.
Apparently, according to a shrink friend of mine, its a “gay man thing”.
So really, you're not a freak — just completely average for a gay man.
So, yeah, that may be worse than being a freak, I dunno.
Posted by: CraigF at June 6, 2008 02:04 PM
Cb, would you want someone who grids their teeth at night near your junk?
TJ you are our crack little crazy humor troll and we love you.
Posted by: copperred at June 6, 2008 03:46 PM
Copperred are you saying TJ's on crack?!?!?!?!? Oh Mr. Jeebus say it isn't so. It is just so destructive. Look what it did to that beautiful Whitney Houston. I'd hate to see TJ in a bad photo from a quickee mart security camera buying cigs with his wig on backwards...that would be too terrible :)
Posted by: Boomer at June 6, 2008 04:41 PM
I thought this post was going to be about sandwich eating in the middle of the night.
Posted by: tonkamanor at June 6, 2008 05:37 PM
I guess I'm a completely average gay man, too. I grind away all night long. (Hmmm.)
Posted by: Long Story Longer at June 6, 2008 10:17 PM
Remember your 20s when you woke up the a.m. and you jaw was sore for completely different reason and your teeth were fine?
*sigh*
Posted by: Joe at June 7, 2008 08:42 AM
May I suggest one of those "No Bitey" masks Hannibal Lector was forced to wear in Silence of the Lambs...
Not only will it stop teeth grinding, but its also fun as hell to wake your partner up in the middle of the night, staring at him.
See... Everyone wins!!!
Posted by: Monk-EC at June 7, 2008 11:02 AM
Joe: Yay for still being in my 20's!
Tonka: the BF ate the Sandwich, it went with the meatball.
Yes . . I remember these things.
As to the teeth grinding, I'm not a orthodontist, but I think I agree with Jimbo, if a mouth guard, which is designed to keep you from loosing your teeth as a man the size of a mac truck drives through your face, can't keep you from grinding your teeth in you sleep . .
Well . . .
Whatever your dentist is selling better be f-n MIRACULOUS for 600 bucks. Yeah, I'm cheep . . but see above example.
I personally think that nightly teeth grinding is a side effect of ineffectual shedding of stress and anger.
Go beat up a twink . .you'll feel ever so much better.
Just my suggestion . . and now off to a going away party.
Posted by: Leo at June 7, 2008 07:38 PM
Yeah ... I'm with Leo. Shed the stress before you go to bed. Accost Sully at the gym ;-)
That ought to be good for an attitude adjustment
Posted by: Raven~ at June 7, 2008 11:44 PM
Ever since I had my dentist fix a cavity (no cavities till I was 35, then all of a sudden 3 - I should have gotten a second opinion) I haven't been able to chew things on my right side. He said I was probably a night grinder and suggested I get one of those mouthguards at target. What a quack.
Posted by: Robguy at June 8, 2008 04:44 AM
Well I was happy as a pig in shit this weekend.
Barbecue, bluegrass and LOTS OF BEARS (except most of them were straight). Oh well, can't have everything.
Pix on the blog. ;)
Posted by: Stash at June 8, 2008 07:50 PM
I think guys in braces are HAWT!
Posted by: homer at June 8, 2008 10:24 PM
Hey at least you are only doing at night... I grind my teeth all the time... I'm just a cranky bitch that way.
Posted by: Matthew Thompson at June 8, 2008 10:30 PM
I just love that you worked Unspeakable Joy into a post.
DB: Whenever I hear that song, I instantly start grinding my teeth and look for someone to pet.
Posted by: stebbins at June 9, 2008 01:21 PM
I had to get a night guard for the same thing - I have to bring it back out from time to time. Get it, your teeth will thank you and you'll need to use it less and less eventually. =)
Posted by: Kory at June 9, 2008 01:30 PM
Actually, I'm looking at invisiligns too. I may just say fuck it and keep my crooked teeth as is.
Posted by: moby at June 9, 2008 04:55 PM
I hope I'm not intruding here, but I just want to add that straight girls also grind our teeth at night and need those fucking expensive dentist-made nightguards.
And,**sigh** I also remember waking up at 2 am with a sore jaw for a completely different reason!!
Love your blog--
Posted by: irisgirl at June 10, 2008 10:50 AM
I am still trying to get the correlation between the John Quiñones story and Chester.
Posted by: Salatnik at June 15, 2008 11:20 PM