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August 18, 2008
Body Rot
Did anyone else see Harry Potter in a leotard win the Olympic silver medal in women's gymnastics yesterday?
Here he is winning the gold medal at the Doha Gymnastics World Cup last March, with silver-medalist Jodie Foster and a ten-year old Chinese girl who was awarded the bronze and promptly executed by the Chinese government following the ceremony:
Whenever Harry was competing in one of those events where they run, jump, bounce off something brown and leathery, fly, spin in the air and land perfectly on two feet (completely unnatural, btw) -- the TV announcer kept telling us "OMG! HE IS 33-YEARS-OLD...AND EXPENDING ENERGY...WITHOUT GOING INTO CARDIAC ARREST!!!"
This, after the previous night's televised commentary included several "SHE CAN STILL SWIM AT 41-YEARS-OLD...WITHOUT FLOATIES!!! HOW DOES SHE DO IT?!?" and a few "SHE IS OFFICIALLY THE OLDEST WOMAN EVER -- AT AN UNBELIEVABLE 38-YEARS-OLD -- TO WIN THIS MARATHON MEDAL!!! DOES SHE EVEN STILL GET HER PERIOD ANYMORE?!?"
Then, when I switched over to ABC Nightly World News, the adorkable Dan Harris reported, "OMG -- MADONNA TURNED 50-YEARS-OLD!!! AND IS STILL PERFORMING IN A VERTICAL POSITION!!! In other news tonight, Russia's president promised to start withdrawing forces from positions in Georgia on Monday."
Though they are slowly rotting, old people are kicking ass and taking names!
Posted by durban bud at August 18, 2008 1:50 PM
Comments
Harry is a grown man - I mean, woman. WHATEVER! I guess there are many controversies at the gymnastics venue - age, sex and scoring!
Posted by: gregchad at August 18, 2008 2:12 PM
Thank the Lord for Viagra or I wouldn't be able to function at all.
Posted by: homer at August 18, 2008 2:25 PM
This is the single funniest thing I've read in ages...
Posted by: michael at August 18, 2008 2:40 PM
First of all -- I LOVE that the "ugly" Chinese girl is in your header -- I may have to steal that idea! LOL
Second -- I agree... WTF -- since when was 40 the new 90???
If I heard them say the FORTY ONE YEAR OLD SWIMMER, I thought I'd slit my wrists. She must be SOOOOO sick of hearing it.
Posted by: Tina-cious.com at August 18, 2008 2:51 PM
Sterroids does a body good, clearly.
There is no way that these old fucks are beating competitors 20 years their junior without 'roids.
Period.
And that weird little Harry Potter man is fucking creepy. I assumed she was transgender, but it seems I was wrong.
Posted by: Dennis at August 18, 2008 3:03 PM
I had to do a double take at the TV. I thought "Who is this boy performing in the women's gymnastics?" Dara deserved more recognition in my opinion than Phelps. Even when she came in second, she was hugging her competitors in congratulations only moments later, with her forty one year old smile.
Posted by: Sarah at August 18, 2008 3:22 PM
I'll believe Russia's withdraw when I see it.
Posted by: Leo at August 18, 2008 3:37 PM
*cleaning off keyboard from the mouthfull of food spitted off minutes earlier*
Posted by: Sorata at August 18, 2008 3:44 PM
This entry is hilarious, glad I subscribed..yippee Google Reader
Posted by: Chris at August 18, 2008 4:06 PM
Hey watch out for old people! We kick major Ass and then we fuck it.
Woo Hoo!!
Posted by: tonkamanor at August 18, 2008 4:44 PM
Hyperbole should be an olympic event next time; Fox's local affiliates could claw each ther for gold.
I really did try watching the Olympics but the freakish rants from scurry comentators put me off. It was like Univision but without the filter of incomprehension.
Posted by: copperred at August 18, 2008 6:20 PM
I have to say the olympics aren't really my cup of tea but the rampant ageism is just ludicrous. And whats with the Madonna comment, still vertical? I alway thought a lot of her work was done horizontally? Maybe thats just me though.
Posted by: Kezza at August 18, 2008 6:45 PM
Great post TJ and nicely said Tonka
Posted by: Boomer at August 18, 2008 7:55 PM
what? the russians were in georgia?
did they burn atlanta when they left?
Posted by: jiminy at August 18, 2008 11:36 PM
I don't know if it is the mass amount of vodka fresca or the fact that you are just funny as shit... but thanks for making me giggle... i needed it tonite...
Posted by: Kelly at August 19, 2008 12:22 AM
Hairy Puuter did really well considering her age...You crack me up...I was totally trying to place her look...she was so dutchboy but you nailed it...So Hairy Puuter!
Posted by: Errol at August 19, 2008 9:48 AM
And at 44, TJ is STILL tight enough to achieve BOI STATUS on MANHUNT! How does he do it?? Daily Vinegar and Alum DOUCHING???
Posted by: cb at August 19, 2008 12:24 PM
I KNEW I recognized her from somewhere! You're exactly right--Harry Potter!
Posted by: Doc at August 20, 2008 9:55 PM
I enjoy your "subtle" Photoshop skills :)
Older people are rocking the Olympics! That's cool to see despite all the underage controversy!
Posted by: Jason at August 21, 2008 12:10 PM