« When Overzealous Fox News Reporters Attack... | Main | All That She Wants »
August 27, 2008
I Eat Exotic Fruits
When I was at the produce department at Harris Teeter the other day, I saw a section of fruit blocked off by a velvet rope. A man resembling P Diddy, sporting dark sunglasses and a black suit, was standing in front of the rope.
Intrigued, I walked over to the man and said, "I would like to see the fruit." He pushed on my chest and said, "This fruit ain't for you, boy. Go look at the apples over there." I was like, "I don't want to look at the apples. I want to see the VIP fruit." He raised his voice, "You can't afford this fruit, playa. Now back the fuck up and go buy a tangerine."
I shrugged and said, "Okay, sir." I pretended to walk away. But like a gay Shannen Doherty, I turned back around and sucker-punched him in the dick. He keeled over and began writhing around the floor, holding his groin and mumbling something about "security" and that his dick was "hurting." Poor baby. I put my foot on his chest, looked him straight in his teary eyes, flipped my hair back and asked, "How ya like them apples?"
I unhooked the velvet rope and walked through.
There before me was a large selection of odd-shaped, expensive, exotic fruits. A simple man like me had never experienced the joy of biting into something so decadent. That was about to change. Before P Diddy could get back into an upright position, I grabbed a few fancy fruits and fled fast.
I did some research online to see what I had purchased and the preferred way of preparing them before ingestion. I plan to go back and sample all of the VIP fruit, but, for now, I would like to offer you the first installment of my guide to exotic fruit.
Star Fruit
The star fruit comes from a tree native to India, Sri Lanka and Indonesia. It is mostly grown in the U.S. in Hawaii and Florida. The one I bought was likely grown in a lab in Laurel, MD (though that is just a hunch).
It tastes like an unripe apple. Kinda sour, kinda eh, kinda not worth five bucks. On my scale of one to four Jimbos, I give this fruit two Jimbos.
Kiwano
The kiwano is also known as the horned melon. By the way, if you're ever on one of those hook-up sites and you ask a guy how he's doing and he responds with "horned," you should write back "melon?" Cuz that would be funny.
Anyway, a horned melon/kiwano has origins in Africa, but is now grown in New Zealand and California. Here's what you need to know: It's fucking gross. It is full of seeds. The edible portion is around these seeds and lives in small pollups full of green, slimy, semenish cucumber sludge. You are required to suck the sludge out of these pollups with your soft, sensuous lips to savor its unique flava. I tried it. It tasted exactly like I thought it would after I cut it open: gonorrhea. Avoid the kiwano. But use "horned melon" to be funny on hook-up sites. Only worth half a Jimbo.
Cherimoya
The cherimoya is native to Peru and thrives on big mountains in hot places. Out of the three exotic fruits I sampled, it was the best. It has a vanilla flavor with an almost sorbet-like texture. It is recommended to store in a freezer and eat it out of its skin with a spoon. Quite tasty! However, it is also filled with large seeds that require a lot of patience to remove. Once they are removed, you're not left with a whole lot. Good, not great. Worth three Jimbos.
I eat exotic fruit with my shirt off cuz that's what Shannen would do. 'Til next time...
Posted by durban bud at August 27, 2008 7:01 PM