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August 27, 2008
I Eat Exotic Fruits
When I was at the produce department at Harris Teeter the other day, I saw a section of fruit blocked off by a velvet rope. A man resembling P Diddy, sporting dark sunglasses and a black suit, was standing in front of the rope.
Intrigued, I walked over to the man and said, "I would like to see the fruit." He pushed on my chest and said, "This fruit ain't for you, boy. Go look at the apples over there." I was like, "I don't want to look at the apples. I want to see the VIP fruit." He raised his voice, "You can't afford this fruit, playa. Now back the fuck up and go buy a tangerine."
I shrugged and said, "Okay, sir." I pretended to walk away. But like a gay Shannen Doherty, I turned back around and sucker-punched him in the dick. He keeled over and began writhing around the floor, holding his groin and mumbling something about "security" and that his dick was "hurting." Poor baby. I put my foot on his chest, looked him straight in his teary eyes, flipped my hair back and asked, "How ya like them apples?"
I unhooked the velvet rope and walked through.
There before me was a large selection of odd-shaped, expensive, exotic fruits. A simple man like me had never experienced the joy of biting into something so decadent. That was about to change. Before P Diddy could get back into an upright position, I grabbed a few fancy fruits and fled fast.
I did some research online to see what I had purchased and the preferred way of preparing them before ingestion. I plan to go back and sample all of the VIP fruit, but, for now, I would like to offer you the first installment of my guide to exotic fruit.
Star Fruit
The star fruit comes from a tree native to India, Sri Lanka and Indonesia. It is mostly grown in the U.S. in Hawaii and Florida. The one I bought was likely grown in a lab in Laurel, MD (though that is just a hunch).
It tastes like an unripe apple. Kinda sour, kinda eh, kinda not worth five bucks. On my scale of one to four Jimbos, I give this fruit two Jimbos.
Kiwano
The kiwano is also known as the horned melon. By the way, if you're ever on one of those hook-up sites and you ask a guy how he's doing and he responds with "horned," you should write back "melon?" Cuz that would be funny.
Anyway, a horned melon/kiwano has origins in Africa, but is now grown in New Zealand and California. Here's what you need to know: It's fucking gross. It is full of seeds. The edible portion is around these seeds and lives in small pollups full of green, slimy, semenish cucumber sludge. You are required to suck the sludge out of these pollups with your soft, sensuous lips to savor its unique flava. I tried it. It tasted exactly like I thought it would after I cut it open: gonorrhea. Avoid the kiwano. But use "horned melon" to be funny on hook-up sites. Only worth half a Jimbo.
Cherimoya
The cherimoya is native to Peru and thrives on big mountains in hot places. Out of the three exotic fruits I sampled, it was the best. It has a vanilla flavor with an almost sorbet-like texture. It is recommended to store in a freezer and eat it out of its skin with a spoon. Quite tasty! However, it is also filled with large seeds that require a lot of patience to remove. Once they are removed, you're not left with a whole lot. Good, not great. Worth three Jimbos.
I eat exotic fruit with my shirt off cuz that's what Shannen would do. 'Til next time...
Posted by durban bud at August 27, 2008 07:01 PM
Comments
Now THAT'S a good lookin Fruit! You boys have fun at Decadence.
Posted by: Boomer at August 27, 2008 07:53 PM
Hot!
Posted by: Saturn at August 27, 2008 08:39 PM
3 Jimbos........now THAT'S funny!
Posted by: HSimpson at August 27, 2008 09:26 PM
Hope you guys get to have fun in New Orleans... fuck Gustav... throw your expensive fruit at him, maybe he will turn toward Mexico or something...
Posted by: Kelly at August 27, 2008 10:39 PM
OMGROFLOL, or something like that.
Bro u r 1 funny bastard.
hmmmm....
Funny,
Furry..
(?)..oh, u must have a small peepee.
no way yer a triple threat, just wouldn't be fair if you didn't.
Posted by: Munkie at August 28, 2008 12:10 AM
That was not nice... I live in Mexico. Just get your government to get the likely area to be affected prepared.
Nice report on the exotic frutas.
Saludos!
Posted by: Angel at August 28, 2008 12:12 AM
Wow. I was right there with you, until I got to that part about how "I ... flipped my hair back." That makes me think you may have taken subtle liberties with the facts here. Just a little. But that last picture makes me forgive a lot... .
Posted by: John at August 28, 2008 01:17 AM
Being from Hawaii we had some good fruit-- star fruit was one along with the mangos papayas breadfruit lynchee and so on ...Great post and I LOVE the little rating heads...cute!
Posted by: Errol at August 28, 2008 09:43 AM
ISO: masc/musc/melon.
The jimbo rating system is classic.
Posted by: dumbek at August 28, 2008 09:53 AM
BTW-- I linked to you and used your pic above--hope you dont mind... xo :-)
Posted by: Errol at August 28, 2008 10:03 AM
I have tried the first three fruits, and I concur completely with your Jimbo ratings. I haven't tried the fourth fruit, but it certainly looks TASTY!
Posted by: homer at August 28, 2008 10:10 AM
Betch. So is this jimbo rating system based on sweetness, fruitiness or bitterness?
Posted by: jimbo at August 28, 2008 10:26 AM
I am not sure I could have eaten that Kiwano. It looks like you are eating some South American beetle. Gross!
I do give you props for being adventurous, because my culinary palette is so tame and redneck in comparison.
By the way, THANKS for finally throwing your "fans" some red meat. You starve us poor pitiful creatures with your stingy picture censor board. Thanks for giving us the rare triple treat of your nipple, fur, and lip action! Many unborn children will be spilled and wiped up over that picture. I am calling the Vatican to put it on your record. ;)
Posted by: brettcajun at August 28, 2008 11:30 AM
How is it you can purse and eat at the same time? The Jimbo heads rating system is OMFG awesome.
Work it out, playa.
Posted by: Sean. Spelled the Right Way. at August 28, 2008 12:06 PM
Beware the exotic fruit of New Orleans!
Posted by: DJ at August 28, 2008 12:43 PM
so all this was just a clever ruse to show your fur?
Posted by: Mark at August 28, 2008 02:49 PM
I also used to enjoy exotic fruits in the persons of Kwan and Tran, the 'We're not twins but we all look the same anyways so it's like you're eating twins' from Koreantown. Now of course I'm in a committed relationship so only eat regular fruit.
Posted by: ElfBear at August 28, 2008 03:35 PM
dip the star fruit in chocoate to have a wonderfully gay dessert...chocolate star fish
Posted by: seth at August 28, 2008 04:55 PM
You snobby fruit elitist you, And here I am thinking that indulging in the occasional strawberry or kiwi fruit is pretty exotic. Snaps to you for the high stylin' way you kicked P. Diddy's arse though! I can just picture that hair flick now, you freakin' champion. Nice work! I'm off to the supermarket now to go get me some horned melon, it'd make a nice change from the exotic fruits you usually see mincing around Melbourne's gay mecca. Should I pick you up a custard apple while I'm there?
Posted by: Kezza at August 28, 2008 06:15 PM
Ummm, how do you know what Gonorrhea tastes like?
And I think Jimbo answered his own question...
Don't forget to pack your inflatable....ah, ummm, er, raft...yes that's what I meant....raft for your trip to Decadence.
Oh and for some reason, I thought your guns would be bigger...hmmm, guess the Cajun beats you there.
Posted by: tonkamanor at August 28, 2008 06:33 PM
I gave the last photo 10.5 Jimbos! The fur looks great, though I can't give higher score until I see the "seeds". :D
Anyway, I love Star Fruit, it's one of my favourite during Autumn time when I was in Hong Kong.
Posted by: Sorata at August 28, 2008 07:29 PM
If you're going to use unclothed pictures of yourself to increase interest in the site, you might at least show a little more.
Your cherimoya was probably underripe. They're amazing -- though still hard to eat -- when they're just right. And the starfruit should be eaten in something like a fruit salad, where its tartness can be taken in context.
Posted by: TED at August 28, 2008 08:40 PM
:-) Fuck the fruit; the picture is worth at least five Jimbos.
Posted by: Raybob at August 29, 2008 10:43 AM
I know which fruit I want to taste... ahem.
Posted by: cb at August 29, 2008 12:03 PM
Durian is actually a nice flavor, but most people around you will be ill from the smell. It's a kind of a mango/garlic flavor. Some people say there are hints of sun-dried corpse, but to hell with them.
Posted by: coozledad at August 29, 2008 10:01 PM
Rambutan, man. Try some of those. Pretty tasty for resembling gonads.
Posted by: SaltyMissJill at September 1, 2008 05:22 PM
holy cow.... finally some skin!
Posted by: Dave at September 4, 2008 04:28 PM
Loved the story of you knocking down P Diddy!
Mark :-)
Posted by: Mark in DE at September 6, 2008 03:52 PM
Love the rating scale. Promise to use Horned Melon at every opportunity.
Posted by: Iram at October 12, 2008 01:54 PM