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August 27, 2008

I Eat Exotic Fruits

When I was at the produce department at Harris Teeter the other day, I saw a section of fruit blocked off by a velvet rope. A man resembling P Diddy, sporting dark sunglasses and a black suit, was standing in front of the rope.

Intrigued, I walked over to the man and said, "I would like to see the fruit." He pushed on my chest and said, "This fruit ain't for you, boy. Go look at the apples over there." I was like, "I don't want to look at the apples. I want to see the VIP fruit." He raised his voice, "You can't afford this fruit, playa. Now back the fuck up and go buy a tangerine."

I shrugged and said, "Okay, sir." I pretended to walk away. But like a gay Shannen Doherty, I turned back around and sucker-punched him in the dick. He keeled over and began writhing around the floor, holding his groin and mumbling something about "security" and that his dick was "hurting." Poor baby. I put my foot on his chest, looked him straight in his teary eyes, flipped my hair back and asked, "How ya like them apples?"

I unhooked the velvet rope and walked through.

There before me was a large selection of odd-shaped, expensive, exotic fruits. A simple man like me had never experienced the joy of biting into something so decadent. That was about to change. Before P Diddy could get back into an upright position, I grabbed a few fancy fruits and fled fast.

I did some research online to see what I had purchased and the preferred way of preparing them before ingestion. I plan to go back and sample all of the VIP fruit, but, for now, I would like to offer you the first installment of my guide to exotic fruit.

Star Fruit

The star fruit comes from a tree native to India, Sri Lanka and Indonesia. It is mostly grown in the U.S. in Hawaii and Florida. The one I bought was likely grown in a lab in Laurel, MD (though that is just a hunch).

It tastes like an unripe apple. Kinda sour, kinda eh, kinda not worth five bucks. On my scale of one to four Jimbos, I give this fruit two Jimbos.

Kiwano

The kiwano is also known as the horned melon. By the way, if you're ever on one of those hook-up sites and you ask a guy how he's doing and he responds with "horned," you should write back "melon?" Cuz that would be funny.

Anyway, a horned melon/kiwano has origins in Africa, but is now grown in New Zealand and California. Here's what you need to know: It's fucking gross. It is full of seeds. The edible portion is around these seeds and lives in small pollups full of green, slimy, semenish cucumber sludge. You are required to suck the sludge out of these pollups with your soft, sensuous lips to savor its unique flava. I tried it. It tasted exactly like I thought it would after I cut it open: gonorrhea. Avoid the kiwano. But use "horned melon" to be funny on hook-up sites. Only worth half a Jimbo.

Cherimoya

The cherimoya is native to Peru and thrives on big mountains in hot places. Out of the three exotic fruits I sampled, it was the best. It has a vanilla flavor with an almost sorbet-like texture. It is recommended to store in a freezer and eat it out of its skin with a spoon. Quite tasty! However, it is also filled with large seeds that require a lot of patience to remove. Once they are removed, you're not left with a whole lot. Good, not great. Worth three Jimbos.

I eat exotic fruit with my shirt off cuz that's what Shannen would do. 'Til next time...

Posted by durban bud at 7:01 PM

August 26, 2008

When Overzealous Fox News Reporters Attack...

...they help to further tarnish their company's already shitty brand.

Posted by durban bud at 11:26 AM | Comments (8)

August 22, 2008

Things to Do When You're on an Unnecessary Business Conference Call

Yearbook yourself!

Some of these photos actually resemble my real yearbook portraits -- except for the facial hair, which I only acquired after my initiation (and hazing) into the gay community.

My 8th grade yearbook photo features a mullet with the bottom tips of my hair dyed blonde. I was very inspired by Terri Nunn of Berlin in those days. This was also right around the time the word fag was routinely used to greet me.

Ms. Nunn also inspired me to dye the tip of my black cat's tail blonde, as well as a stripe on the top of her head. Unfortunately it came out red, leaving her embarrassed and judged by other catty cats. I can still relate!

Hat tip to Subway State Aaron

Posted by durban bud at 9:44 AM | Comments (10)

August 18, 2008

Body Rot

Did anyone else see Harry Potter in a leotard win the Olympic silver medal in women's gymnastics yesterday?

Here he is winning the gold medal at the Doha Gymnastics World Cup last March, with silver-medalist Jodie Foster and a ten-year old Chinese girl who was awarded the bronze and promptly executed by the Chinese government following the ceremony:

Whenever Harry was competing in one of those events where they run, jump, bounce off something brown and leathery, fly, spin in the air and land perfectly on two feet (completely unnatural, btw) -- the TV announcer kept telling us "OMG! HE IS 33-YEARS-OLD...AND EXPENDING ENERGY...WITHOUT GOING INTO CARDIAC ARREST!!!"

This, after the previous night's televised commentary included several "SHE CAN STILL SWIM AT 41-YEARS-OLD...WITHOUT FLOATIES!!! HOW DOES SHE DO IT?!?" and a few "SHE IS OFFICIALLY THE OLDEST WOMAN EVER -- AT AN UNBELIEVABLE 38-YEARS-OLD -- TO WIN THIS MARATHON MEDAL!!! DOES SHE EVEN STILL GET HER PERIOD ANYMORE?!?"

Then, when I switched over to ABC Nightly World News, the adorkable Dan Harris reported, "OMG -- MADONNA TURNED 50-YEARS-OLD!!! AND IS STILL PERFORMING IN A VERTICAL POSITION!!! In other news tonight, Russia's president promised to start withdrawing forces from positions in Georgia on Monday."

Though they are slowly rotting, old people are kicking ass and taking names!

Posted by durban bud at 1:50 PM | Comments (19)

August 16, 2008

Maleek

Today at my volunteering job -- where I read short stories to disenfranchised 9-year-olds with cleft palettes -- one of my favorite students, Maleek, interrupted me mid-story and asked, "TJ, why haven't you written about the whole Manhunt brouhaha on your gay web site? Rumor has it Manhunt is gettin' Dixie-Chicked hardcore."

This caught me off-guard. I put the Dr. Suess book down on my lap, tilted my head and did my best "Whatchu talkin' bout, Willis?" We shared a good belly laugh. I slapped my knee and patted him on the back, still giggling, until he stopped laughing and deadpanned, "I don't get it. My name's not Willis."

"Don't play dumb with me, smartass. You know Gary Coleman says that. Don't try to make me feel stupid and old. Now address me properly, and I'll answer your question. You also need to explain why a 9-year-old is reading my blog. It's not appropriate for kids, or Toby Keith fans."

"Okay, Professor TJ -- Honestly I don't really read it; I just skim it for new vulgar terms. You tend to blather on and on, with lots of run-on sentences, about things I don't understand. I just check it out it cuz I'm homeless and bored. Anyway, when I was surfing the web at the public library, I noticed lots of other butt pirates were waging holy hell on Manhunt and was just curious what you think about the drama."

"Oh, Maleek -- First off, you're a dick. Secondly, you hurt my feelings. Thirdly, who cares what I think? I mean, really."

Maleek looked down to the ground, appearing despondent, like a scolded puppy. He lightly kicked a rolled-up piece of orange construction paper by his chair, folded his arms and glanced up at me, sheepishly. Our eyes met, revealing water in the corners of his big, brown eyes. He quickly averted my stare, put his head down again and shielded his cleft palette with his hand and mumbled, "I care, Professor TJ. I care."

"Awww hell, Maleek. I can't say no to you now. I'm sorry I called you a dick."

"It's okay. I just don't understand why people put down other people by calling them a dick or an asshole. Don't homos use those very things to reach heights of unbelievable pleasure? Like, when you call someone a dick, does that mean you want to put them in your mouth and move them in and out in an aggressive manner, while moaning, 'Goddamn, that feels good. I'm 'bout to deliver you a facial cream pie, bitch!'"

"Uh, usually not. But, wow -- never really thought of it like that before. Very good point. I guess it would be a compliment if used by a gay guy towards another gay gay. Thanks, Maleek -- now when someone calls me a dick or asshole or prick or cumdump, I'll just imagine they think of me as a sexual object that they would like to use to achieve divine ecstasy. So if I accidentally bump into a bitterbear at a Holiday Inn Bear Pool Party, and he says, 'Hey watch where you're going, you fucking asshole!' I'll just wink at him and say with a smile, 'thank you, I'm very flattered.' I learned something of value from you today, Maleek. I'm touched."

"So why did you call me a dick?"

"I was just taken aback by your brutal honesty. You're far too young to be so judgmental and sassy. Come to think of it, this could be a sign that you might turn out gay, or maybe Catholic. Too soon to tell, of course. But let's try something -- who's your favorite Muppet?"

"Muppet? What's a Muppet?"

"Cut the shit, Maleek."

"Ha ha --I'm just playin' witchu. I know what Muppets are. I used to watch Sesame Street and old, dusty, beta tapes of Muppet Show episodes my stepdad left for us while he was in prison, back in '04 when I was young and still living in a home with a roof. I just like to play on your age insecurities, Professor T."

"That kinda sass means you're going to marry a dude."

"No, I'm not!"

"Okay, then tell me which Muppet you like best: Miss Piggy, Kermit, Animal, Beaker, Fozzy Bear, Brettcajun, Big Bird or Oscar the Grouch?"

"Oh, I don't know. I like them all except for Big Bird. Hmm...I guess Beaker is my favorite."

"You're going to be a fag. Always wear a condom. Be 'prepared'. Avoid Meth."

"No, I'm not! My mommy says gay people eat poop and use Mary Kay lotions on their face. She also says gay people go to hell when they die and burn for all eternity."

"Isn't your mom a crack whore with jewel teeth?"

"Yeah. But she's a Christian now."

"It's impossible to burn for all eternity if you're a fucking spirit. There is nothing to burn, Maleek. Use your brain and think rationally. And do you honestly think I eat poop?"

"Well, you told me you ate dinner at a TGIFriday's last week."

"That was an emergency because we were stuck in Leesberg, Virginia with a flat tire and my partner's blood-sugar-level was in the single digits. We had no other choice. It was either eat there or watch a man explode from rage like that dude in Scanners. For the record, their potato skins are actually digestable."

"Professor TJ, can you please get back to my Manhunt question? It's taking forever and no one is reading this far anyway."

"Okay, okay -- I guess I'll beat a dead horse even deader just for you. And since this particular dead horse involves a company that specializes in making sodomy more accessible, how can I not talk about it?!?" We high-fived and did the hip-hop hug.

"Not sure what you want me to say about the matter that hasn't already been said. One thing I've learned from this whole soap opera is, if the Census Bureau ever wants an accurate count of the number of gay men living in this country, they just need to ask Manhunt to fax over their member list.

"I'm amazed at the number of guys I never would have suspected of having a profile on there, who came out of their Manhunt closet and exposed their piggy little secret by loudly protesting, because they felt their rights were being threatened and abused by one of their own. This caused them to admit to an audience of their whore peers, that they too, are human and require some down-low dick from time to time, despite their hypocritical scorn and judgment they've unleashed on others in the past.

"I just hope someone is filming the shit going down at Manhunt headquarters right now so Bravo can turn it into a reality series to air later this year."

"My mom won't let me watch that network, Professor T. She says Tim Gunn and that crazy guy who has hissy-fits when renovating homes are really creepy and not good for children to look at. And she says Michael Kors belongs to a perverted cult that's mean to little boys like me. I think the cult is called BAMBLA or maybe MANBLA."

"Maleek! Michael Kors does not belong to...BAMBLA! Your mom is spreading vicious lies! Stop repeating that. Is your mom's last name Hannity by any chance?"

"No, it's O'Reilly. But now she uses my real daddy's last name, Dowd."

"Look, none of those guys would be featured on this reality show. It would focus on Manhunt employees, like the profile-approver boy, who is probably having a nervous breakdown right now responding to all the angry messages.

"I imagine in his confessional for the Bravo documentary, the profile-approver boy would sip his can of Tab through a straw and say:

"'Look, sweetie -- I only took this gig to make a few bucks to fund my DJ career, and now I have to deal with this political shitstorm. Stop sending me this shit. I've received five emails in the past 15 minutes from some guy in Tucson who refers to us as "Ayatollah McCainnies." I mean, my job is only to make sure there are no references to PNP and vaginas in the profiles.

"'I'm so overwhelmed with emotions right now, but I stay strong by thinking 'How did Natalie Maines handle this kind of situation?' Then again, if I were her -- and some say I am the gay Natalie Maines now -- I would handle it by boning the hell out of my hot husband, Adrian Pasdar, until the torches were extinguished and the death threats ceased. That's what keeps me sane -- Natalie's bravery and grace during a dark and ugly period in American history. Love her.

"'I, too, am not ready to make nice. I totally get that song now. She showed them all who's queen by coming back from the depths of hell and winning multiple Grammys. I wonder what award I'll win to rub in their pious faces. A coveted cover photo on BUTT magazine would surely make them eat crow. I'm gonna send in some artistic photos I had professionally done at Sears last April. They would choose me, fer sure. I'd go up to the mike at the BUTT magazine new issue launch party and be all 'HA HA,' just like Natalie did at the Grammys in that Simpsons' character's voice, followed by my own unique touch -- a Z snap, finished with the launch of a juicy phlegm globber.'"

"Professor TJ, that might be fun to watch, I guess, but my mom might think I'm gay and spank me. Do straight people have online hook-up sites?"

"Hmmm...good question, Maleek. I'm not aware of any web sites they use for that. I think they just use wine coolers, co-ed dorm rooms and state fairs.

"Y'see, Maleek, the problem is it's mainly men who need to scratch their itch often, and preferably with many, so I'm not sure a hook-up site would work as well with women. If a site like that existed, it would be 90% men and 10% women. And the 10% female members would be branded as sluts by the 90% male slut members, causing them to be shunned in their churches. It's a lose-lose for them, sadly. But it's a treasure trove for men who dig men."

"I wonder if I'll be slutty when I reach puberty."

"Do you have a dick, Maleek?"

"I guess, but my mom calls it a pee-wee."

"It was a rhetorical question, Maleek. I didn't need to know that. If you have a dick, you will be a slut in some form. It's inevitable. It's all about how you channel your inner slut in a healthy manner."

"I wonder if I'll be on Manhunt when my pee-wee grows bigger and I become a slut."

"Chances are you will not have any interest to be on that site. You will likely drink wine coolers at state fairs in Branson, Missouri instead. Just remember to be respectful of all sluts, regardless of where they stick their pee-wees. And if you amass a fortune someday, don't forget where you came from and piss on the little guy. Money and sex are extremely powerful forces and will always trump common sense and the greater good, regardless of political affiliation."

"You mean like John Edwards, the Manhunt founder, and the Manhunt members who canceled their memberships but will be back on the site in a month because the power of the penis cannot be contained?"

"Exactly, son. You will make for a wise slut."

"Cool beans. Did you delete your Manhunt account in protest, Professor TJ?"

"What makes you think I have a Manhunt account?!?"

"Because you have a long-term boyfriend."

"Maleek, that's a terrible generalization! I am way different from the rest. I have self-respect and will-power!"

"But you also have a dick; therefore you're a goddamn slut, too."

"Drop it, Maleek. And watch your mouth. I'm an angel. End of story. You need to stop reading blogs. They will only rot your brain and make you feel worse about our current culture. Now it's your turn to practice reading to me. Focus."

I picked up the Dr. Suess book and asked him to continue where I left off. Slowly and softly, with a slight speech impedement, he read the next sentence with ease:

"So the writer who breeds more words than he needs is making a chore for the reader who reads."

Indeed.

Posted by durban bud at 12:07 AM | Comments (23)

August 11, 2008

Tay Hota

I hope everyone enjoyed Bear Invasion weekend. Could the weather have been any more perfect? I hope you hugged at least one bear and thanked him for bein' a bear. If not, I hope you said "woof" out loud and lit a candle in solidarity. Someone told me that each time you blow a candle out, a bear passes out from carb exhaustion. Not sure I believe that.

I did not participate in the events. My life is full of bears, and quite frankly, I'm sick of them.

Nonetheless, I did wear a shirt to show my support and acceptance.

One love. Grrrr.

Instead, I watched the opening of the Olympics. Wow, that was pretty spectacular and divoon. I would like to be that guy, hoisted on cables up in the air, fake running on a screen while video of a scroll unrolls. Trippy!

I've never seen the Gay Games before. Are their opening ceremonies similar?

If so, I would like to try out for the Gay Games. I could start practicing darts to qualify and represent USA's Gay Darts Team. Go (Gay) USA! I think I have enough time to train because the next games are happening in Cologne, Germany in 2010.

Speaking of Cologne, we spent the weekend with our Latino houseboy, Carlos.

Carlos is helping me learn Spanish. It's the only way I can fine-tune my flirting skills to reach a larger audience. He tells me the following phrases bring all the boys to the yard:

"Yo tengo una pinga pequena"
"Mi toto huele como pescado podrido"

I guess they mean "I like meeting new sexy men like you" and "Maybe we can grab a cup of coffee sometime." I look forward to trying them out. Thanks Carlos!

He was raised in Peru, so we wanted to feast on his culture and find out what made him so spicy. So over the weekend we went to an authentic Peruvian restaurant called Inti. He told me to get the lomo saltado. As I was enjoying this fine Peruvian dish, he told me that Lauriol Plaza's version is better. What?!? Lauriol Plaza serves this??? Isn't that place Mexican...and cheaper??? By the way, LP has raised their prices. The economy is officially sucking.

I think our next big trip outside of the U.S. will be South America. I've never been and since I'm fine-tuning my Spanish, it's the next step. Plus, it's really the only place left where the dollar still means something.

Posted by durban bud at 3:15 PM | Comments (13)

August 8, 2008

Beating Brett Farv

It has come to my attention that this weekend in DC is the 2008 Bear Invasion, or, as I like to call it, The Sisterhood of the Traveling Fat Pants, Too.

The bears should celebrate by building a life-like piñata of their idol, Brett Favre, and take turns beating the hell out of it. It's the only way to send a message to celebrities who hold long drawn-out, teary "retirement" press conferences and subsequent farewell parties, that if they return to their profession a couple months later -- lured by money and ego -- we will bludgeon effigies of them, and get candy and condoms in return. Think of the symbolism of it all.

To get their aggressions out before taking a whack, the bears could scream, "YOUR NAME SHOULD BE PRONOUNCED BRETT FAVOR OR FAV-RUH, NOT FARV! YOU TOOL! Woof." They could even play music during the piñata bash from "farewell tour" fraud specialists Tina Turner and Jay-Z.

Oh, I'm just kidding. Americans love being deceived. We should welcome him back with open arms. He's an American hero!

In other news, elf ears are in style. This is precisely why I'm not into fantasy/science-fiction films and games. Those obsessed with that genre are the ones who sign up for this kind of body desecration, in order to look more like their heroes. Live in the present, people.

Mark my words -- Jimbo will be sportin' elf ears in a couple years.

Via Slog.

Posted by durban bud at 12:11 AM | Comments (8)

August 7, 2008

Tarzan Boy

Were you one of those kids who begged his parents to drive him down to the Record Theater to purchase the latest Howard Jones 12" extended remix, causing your parents to look at each other and say, "Our son is a total fag, isn't he?"

Well if you were, then you will love the web site Burning the Ground from DjPaulT. He has compiled an extensive database of hard-to-find remixes and imports, all available for your listening pleasure. From Eurythmics "Sexcrime" to The Art Of Noise (featuring Max Headroom!) "Paranoimia" -- he has the majority of obscure (and some not-so-obscure) songs you haven't heard in years. And he continues to add songs weekly to his already vast online catalog.

He looks a bit like Bubala, no? And they're both HUGE music fans. Hmmm.

I'm sure many of you are already aware of the site, but I wasn't. I'm always late to a party.

Another wonderful source for all that is 80's and 90's is music aficionado Johnny's Lost in the 80's blog. But you already knew that, too.

Remember all those cheesy, manufactured dance girl groups, like The Cover Girls, Seduction, Sweet Sensation and Exposé? One thing I noticed about all these girl groups is how awful their album covers were. For some reason one of the women always poses as if she has period cramps. I've added arrows to help identify the cramper:

The last cover photo is unfortunate on so many levels. What is the chick on the right doing? Who does that? It's not so much her bent over pretzel pose; it's the surprised finger-up-her-butt-without-lube look of shock and horror. Did she accidentally stumble upon the Lazy Bear festivities? If those other two women were true friends, they would have tapped her on the shoulder and said, "You might not want to do that. Seriously, stop it."

Anyway, take a gander over there and wallow in nostalgia.

And then watch "I Seen Beyonce At Burger King" by gay rapper Cazwell. It will get stuck in your head. Great to annoy your co-workers with:

Posted by durban bud at 12:59 AM | Comments (14)

August 5, 2008

Criminal!

Check this out. There is a new FREE online database that allows you to search a name to find out if someone has any criminal offenses in their past. Anyone can access this. The scary thing is it also logs minor traffic violations. It's all contingent on whether that particular jurisdiction has recorded it. Very Big Brother. Hmmm. Not sure how I feel about this. What if someone was convicted of sodomy back in the day?!?

Luckily I am not listed on there. Whew. I also checked and Brett appears to be clean as well. Yay!

Hat tip to Rafael.

Posted by durban bud at 10:17 AM | Comments (15)

August 4, 2008

I Fly Like Paper, Get High Like Planes

ANNOUNCEMENT: If you just Googled the lyrics "fly like paper, get high like planes" and unfortunately landed on this site, let me help you. The song you are seeking is "Paper Planes" by M.I.A. Who knew using those lyrics for an entry title would bring a lot of people here? Great song, great artist. Go download it. You're welcome.

--------------------------

Like most people, I spent the weekend wondering how much Proactiv pays celebrities to endorse their product. I mean, it must be a lot to embarrass Alicia Keys and Kelly Clarkson with their before and after photos, right? As I did some research, it became clearasil. According to this site:

Lindsay Lohan - $2 million
Jessica Simpson - $2.5 million
Puff Diddy - $3 million

Even with zit creams, there is sexism in pay. So sad.

Then I went to G-Books to visit Joon, my favorite Chinese porn shop curator. I know what you're thinking. Yes, I've already called him Joon Bug. But he's "already heard that before. Eez no funny."

When I walked in, he lifted up a dildo molded from a famous porn star and said, "Heez dead." Indeed he had died. Nothing like a death to pimp out a sale. Despite the death discount, I wasn't interested. That would be creeeeepy.

Then I found out that jellyfish are taking over the world. Apparently they have been a huge nuisance at beaches this summer. And it's only going to get worse.

I remember seeing a History/Discovery/Science Channel show about the problem Japanese fisherman are having with the huge amounts of these giant beasts getting caught in their nets and poisoning and suffocating the tasty fish with their enormous size.

So what can we do with all these jellyfish infiltrating our waters? Why not eat them? Actually I'm told they have no real taste, so instead, they are ground down to a powder and sold as cookies. Protein cookies! Yum.

Then I learned that they're considering building a trans-Atlantic tube train that would get you from New York to London in 54 minutes.

Interesting, huh?

Anyway, a few weeks ago we had dinner with the adorable Atari_Age (which I found out is not his real name). We had a nice time and ventured over to Nellie's later in the evening. About an hour into it, he said he was exhausted and needed to head back to his hotel. I rapped, "We just met, you can't do that yet. Just rock baby pop, don't stop, stick out your butt and shake what you got." And he's all, "No. I must go."

The following week saw Homer and Brett taking turns at the Durban Inn. We had a delicious time.

We are heading to New Orleans for Southern Decadence at the end of the month. I've never been to New Orleans. It will surely be...interesting.

Posted by durban bud at 11:32 AM | Comments (8)