Maleek looked down to the ground, appearing despondent, like a scolded puppy. He lightly kicked a rolled-up piece of orange construction paper by his chair, folded his arms and glanced up at me, sheepishly. Our eyes met, revealing water in the corners of his big, brown eyes. He quickly averted my stare, put his head down again and shielded his cleft palette with his hand and mumbled, "I care, Professor TJ. I care."

"Awww hell, Maleek. I can't say no to you now. I'm sorry I called you a dick."

"It's okay. I just don't understand why people put down other people by calling them a dick or an asshole. Don't homos use those very things to reach heights of unbelievable pleasure? Like, when you call someone a dick, does that mean you want to put them in your mouth and move them in and out in an aggressive manner, while moaning, 'Goddamn, that feels good. I'm 'bout to deliver you a facial cream pie, bitch!'"

"Uh, usually not. But, wow -- never really thought of it like that before. Very good point. I guess it would be a compliment if used by a gay guy towards another gay gay. Thanks, Maleek -- now when someone calls me a dick or asshole or prick or cumdump, I'll just imagine they think of me as a sexual object that they would like to use to achieve divine ecstasy. So if I accidentally bump into a bitterbear at a Holiday Inn Bear Pool Party, and he says, 'Hey watch where you're going, you fucking asshole!' I'll just wink at him and say with a smile, 'thank you, I'm very flattered.' I learned something of value from you today, Maleek. I'm touched."

"So why did you call me a dick?"

"I was just taken aback by your brutal honesty. You're far too young to be so judgmental and sassy. Come to think of it, this could be a sign that you might turn out gay, or maybe Catholic. Too soon to tell, of course. But let's try something -- who's your favorite Muppet?"

"Muppet? What's a Muppet?"

"Cut the shit, Maleek."

"Ha ha --I'm just playin' witchu. I know what Muppets are. I used to watch Sesame Street and old, dusty, beta tapes of Muppet Show episodes my stepdad left for us while he was in prison, back in '04 when I was young and still living in a home with a roof. I just like to play on your age insecurities, Professor T."

"That kinda sass means you're going to marry a dude."

"No, I'm not!"

"Okay, then tell me which Muppet you like best: Miss Piggy, Kermit, Animal, Beaker, Fozzy Bear, Brettcajun, Big Bird or Oscar the Grouch?"

"Oh, I don't know. I like them all except for Big Bird. Hmm...I guess Beaker is my favorite."

"You're going to be a fag. Always wear a condom. Be 'prepared'. Avoid Meth."

"No, I'm not! My mommy says gay people eat poop and use Mary Kay lotions on their face. She also says gay people go to hell when they die and burn for all eternity."

"Isn't your mom a crack whore with jewel teeth?"

"Yeah. But she's a Christian now."

"It's impossible to burn for all eternity if you're a fucking spirit. There is nothing to burn, Maleek. Use your brain and think rationally. And do you honestly think I eat poop?"

"Well, you told me you ate dinner at a TGIFriday's last week."

"That was an emergency because we were stuck in Leesberg, Virginia with a flat tire and my partner's blood-sugar-level was in the single digits. We had no other choice. It was either eat there or watch a man explode from rage like that dude in Scanners. For the record, their potato skins are actually digestable."

"Professor TJ, can you please get back to my Manhunt question? It's taking forever and no one is reading this far anyway."

"Okay, okay -- I guess I'll beat a dead horse even deader just for you. And since this particular dead horse involves a company that specializes in making sodomy more accessible, how can I not talk about it?!?" We high-fived and did the hip-hop hug.

"Not sure what you want me to say about the matter that hasn't already been said. One thing I've learned from this whole soap opera is, if the Census Bureau ever wants an accurate count of the number of gay men living in this country, they just need to ask Manhunt to fax over their member list.

"I'm amazed at the number of guys I never would have suspected of having a profile on there, who came out of their Manhunt closet and exposed their piggy little secret by loudly protesting, because they felt their rights were being threatened and abused by one of their own. This caused them to admit to an audience of their whore peers, that they too, are human and require some down-low dick from time to time, despite their hypocritical scorn and judgment they've unleashed on others in the past.

"I just hope someone is filming the shit going down at Manhunt headquarters right now so Bravo can turn it into a reality series to air later this year."

"My mom won't let me watch that network, Professor T. She says Tim Gunn and that crazy guy who has hissy-fits when renovating homes are really creepy and not good for children to look at. And she says Michael Kors belongs to a perverted cult that's mean to little boys like me. I think the cult is called BAMBLA or maybe MANBLA."

"Maleek! Michael Kors does not belong to...BAMBLA! Your mom is spreading vicious lies! Stop repeating that. Is your mom's last name Hannity by any chance?"

"No, it's O'Reilly. But now she uses my real daddy's last name, Dowd."

"Look, none of those guys would be featured on this reality show. It would focus on Manhunt employees, like the profile-approver boy, who is probably having a nervous breakdown right now responding to all the angry messages.

"I imagine in his confessional for the Bravo documentary, the profile-approver boy would sip his can of Tab through a straw and say:

"'Look, sweetie -- I only took this gig to make a few bucks to fund my DJ career, and now I have to deal with this political shitstorm. Stop sending me this shit. I've received five emails in the past 15 minutes from some guy in Tucson who refers to us as "Ayatollah McCainnies." I mean, my job is only to make sure there are no references to PNP and vaginas in the profiles.

"'I'm so overwhelmed with emotions right now, but I stay strong by thinking 'How did Natalie Maines handle this kind of situation?' Then again, if I were her -- and some say I am the gay Natalie Maines now -- I would handle it by boning the hell out of my hot husband, Adrian Pasdar, until the torches were extinguished and the death threats ceased. That's what keeps me sane -- Natalie's bravery and grace during a dark and ugly period in American history. Love her.

"'I, too, am not ready to make nice. I totally get that song now. She showed them all who's queen by coming back from the depths of hell and winning multiple Grammys. I wonder what award I'll win to rub in their pious faces. A coveted cover photo on BUTT magazine would surely make them eat crow. I'm gonna send in some artistic photos I had professionally done at Sears last April. They would choose me, fer sure. I'd go up to the mike at the BUTT magazine new issue launch party and be all 'HA HA,' just like Natalie did at the Grammys in that Simpsons' character's voice, followed by my own unique touch -- a Z snap, finished with the launch of a juicy phlegm globber.'"

"Professor TJ, that might be fun to watch, I guess, but my mom might think I'm gay and spank me. Do straight people have online hook-up sites?"

"Hmmm...good question, Maleek. I'm not aware of any web sites they use for that. I think they just use wine coolers, co-ed dorm rooms and state fairs.

"Y'see, Maleek, the problem is it's mainly men who need to scratch their itch often, and preferably with many, so I'm not sure a hook-up site would work as well with women. If a site like that existed, it would be 90% men and 10% women. And the 10% female members would be branded as sluts by the 90% male slut members, causing them to be shunned in their churches. It's a lose-lose for them, sadly. But it's a treasure trove for men who dig men."

"I wonder if I'll be slutty when I reach puberty."

"Do you have a dick, Maleek?"

"I guess, but my mom calls it a pee-wee."

"It was a rhetorical question, Maleek. I didn't need to know that. If you have a dick, you will be a slut in some form. It's inevitable. It's all about how you channel your inner slut in a healthy manner."

"I wonder if I'll be on Manhunt when my pee-wee grows bigger and I become a slut."

"Chances are you will not have any interest to be on that site. You will likely drink wine coolers at state fairs in Branson, Missouri instead. Just remember to be respectful of all sluts, regardless of where they stick their pee-wees. And if you amass a fortune someday, don't forget where you came from and piss on the little guy. Money and sex are extremely powerful forces and will always trump common sense and the greater good, regardless of political affiliation."

"You mean like John Edwards, the Manhunt founder, and the Manhunt members who canceled their memberships but will be back on the site in a month because the power of the penis cannot be contained?"

"Exactly, son. You will make for a wise slut."

"Cool beans. Did you delete your Manhunt account in protest, Professor TJ?"

"What makes you think I have a Manhunt account?!?"

"Because you have a long-term boyfriend."

"Maleek, that's a terrible generalization! I am way different from the rest. I have self-respect and will-power!"

"But you also have a dick; therefore you're a goddamn slut, too."

"Drop it, Maleek. And watch your mouth. I'm an angel. End of story. You need to stop reading blogs. They will only rot your brain and make you feel worse about our current culture. Now it's your turn to practice reading to me. Focus."

I picked up the Dr. Suess book and asked him to continue where I left off. Slowly and softly, with a slight speech impedement, he read the next sentence with ease:

"So the writer who breeds more words than he needs is making a chore for the reader who reads."

Indeed.