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November 17, 2008
Dirty Brown Stains on Pretty White Dresses
Is anyone else sick and tired of The Gays after all of their well-documented, attention-whoring shenanigans from the past couple weeks? They're EVERYWHERE these days, shouting about gay this and gay that, with their shrill demands for special rights, yammering out tired old clichés like "equality," "respect," and to be treated with "fairness" and "basic human dignity." Ugh. All over the news. All over the blogs. All over the Facebooks. All over the streets. All over the country.
Maximum. Homo. Tolerance. Levies. Have. Been. Breached.
Next thing you know that pregnant dude will suddenly reappear in the lavender limelight and announce he's expecting his second child with his legally-recognized wife! Wouldn't that be an ironic salt in the wounds?!?
Oh, I kid.
I'm thrilled my fellow dues-paying members of GAY USA, INC., along with our supportive allies, are risin' up and finding their inner Norma Rae and channeling their hurt and anger into a powerful, twenty-first century, grassroots, protest movement -- already branded with its very own logo. I'm in complete support of the mission and will do whatever I can to help fight the good fight, providing it doesn't intrude on my daily beauty naps. I say, EQUAL RIGHTS FOR ALL -- except for the members of that god-awful rock group Hinder.
"Gay marriage" is really just the new "turkey meatball." Once people understand this the world will be a better place. If someone offered you a turkey meatball a decade ago you would have been all, "Eeeewwww, that's gross. Turkey doesn't belong in a meatball. That's just wrong, man. I like my meatballs the traditional way, the way God meant for them to be eaten."
But once the turkey-phobes got used to the idea of this healthier alternative to traditional meatballs, they realized that turkey meatballs could be just as tasty and acceptable as pork and beef meatballs. Sure, they may not taste exactly the same to some, but they do share the same exact recipe, with the only exception being your preferred type of protein. With time and patience, turkey meatballs become just meatballs.
The only time the descriptor needs to be added is after you've ordered the spaghetti and meatballs and the waiter asks, "What kind of meat would you prefer in your balls?" That's when you look him directly in the eyes and smile, before proudly answering with a wink, "Oh, I prefer the turkey meatballs, sir." And no one these days would pass judgment on your decision. That's called progress, folks.
I've heard many people admit they favor equal rights for all couples, but they're just not comfortable applying the word "marriage" to unions between those who dig their own sex. This reaction is obviously selfish and irrational, but seems to be a major sticking point with the marriage elite.
We can kind of understand why they feel this way, but only if we acknowledge an ugly truth that no one wants to discuss publicly. Whenever the words "gay marriage" are spoken, straight people instinctively picture two hairy guys buttfucking in front of a wedding cake designed to resemble Carol Channing's head. It's true. And you know it.
Trust me, straights (especially the men) are obsessed with buttsex. (Note to self: Maybe you're straight, bro.) I used to hang out with them in my earlier denial years when I was perfecting my acting chops. It doesn't matter that not all gay guys are anally-oriented, or that lesbians should automatically be exempt for obvious reasons -- to most heterosexuals, gay triggers buttsex imagery, end of story.
This uncomfortable visualization stains the picture-perfect wedding day scenario they've painstakingly storyboarded in their minds after watching too many Julia Roberts movies, so they respond in the negative when equating certain marriages with theirs.
Maybe we should consider a maneuvering of semantics. I hate the term "gay marriage." Or "same-sex marriage." It shouldn't require a descriptor. We don't say, "I'm getting gay married," do we? A marriage is a marriage, no? So let's strike it from the record so the marriage stands on its own merits without prejudice.
Once we've tweaked the semantics, we can focus on operation bigot reform.
Besides protesting outside organizations that seek to demean us, the gays and their allies need to do something provocative to bring attention to the individual meanies who continually disrespect us behind our backs. An animal rights activist recently threw flour on poor Lindsay Lohan for wearing fur. In the past, similar activists have branded fur-wearing bitches with red paint. This strategy works. Whenever we now see a sophisticated woman in tears walking down the street with red paint splattered all over her fancy attire, we think to ourselves, "Wow -- that woman must hate animals, or maybe she must have gotten into a fight with her pimp. Regardless, I think I will avoid her in the future. She's scum."
Maybe instead of red paint or flour we could sprinkle our mean-spirited adversaries with glitter. Glitter might appear to be harmless and an easily removable annoyance, but, as someone who used to go clubbing regularly, I can attest that little specks of glitter -- covertly transmitted from brief non-consensual contact with a grinding tina twink -- will remain on your person for days until a senior VP points it out during an all-staff meeting in the company conference room by saying, "Can you turn your head a little bit? I think I saw a little sparkle shining on you or something." As he leans in for a closer inspection he shouts, "OMG -- are you wearing glitter?!?"
If it works from brief glitter contact, imagine what would happen if someone were hit with a glitter tsunami. So in the future, people spotted with specks of glitter would be branded as bigots (or recreational drug-using clubbers teetering toward rehab) and avoided by the enlightened. I can picture the Focus on the Family press release now, "Gird your loins, the gays got glitter."
Think about it. All of this could really work in our favor.
Posted by durban bud at November 17, 2008 12:48 PM
Comments
I plan on stopping by Blick's on the way home to see if they sell glitter in 50 gallon drums. BTW, can you suggest a glitter delivery system that will spare the "glitterer" from the deserving "glitteree"?
I admit, I work in a school and I can get away with a lot, but I still have to walk down the street.
Posted by: Tony at November 17, 2008 1:25 PM
Okay, I can so see glitter being used... I can see it... mark my word, you are going to send a trend right here right now, TJ! :D
Posted by: Sorata at November 17, 2008 1:35 PM
Great Idea! I'm buying my drum today.
Posted by: Mathew Philip at November 17, 2008 3:38 PM
From prop 8 protests to glitterbombing. What next?
Posted by: cb at November 17, 2008 4:05 PM
Alritey then. As usual ^5.
Posted by: Joe at November 17, 2008 4:17 PM
This has been one of the best written posts I have read to date - thanks a whole heap! I needed a good yet still comical approach!
Posted by: turnipHed at November 17, 2008 4:19 PM
I know. Enough about this whole “equality” bullshit. When do we get to go back to obsessing about going to the gym and getting laid as God intended?
Posted by: DanH at November 17, 2008 4:32 PM
You are the most fabulous of all. I adore you! And I'm buying glitter ...
... Carol Channings head ! (snort)
Posted by: Raybob at November 17, 2008 5:19 PM
I'm totally with you on the glitter option - that shit is impossible to remove, of course I'm more than happy to wear the overspray if it means showing up the bigots... bring it on!
Oh, and if anyone is wondering how to deliver these attacks, go with a small vial of glitter, all it takes it a quick flick of the wrist to eject the contents onto the unsuspecting victim, leaving you relatively glitter free. Good luck and happy hunting my friends!
Posted by: Kezza at November 17, 2008 5:39 PM
You've been fairy dusted bitch! hee hee
Posted by: Matthew Thompson at November 17, 2008 7:33 PM
Bravo the glitter, of course down here, uh, that's another story. Bravo, bravo...
Posted by: Osborn at November 17, 2008 8:10 PM
Professor TJ you are a genius! The glitter needs to be applied via confetti cannon to deserving haters. By the way, many years ago I also once went to work after being "overserved" at a club with glitter sprinkled in my hair.
Posted by: Boomer at November 17, 2008 8:12 PM
Wait, wait, wait just a cotton-picking minute here...
How dare you mention glitter without mentioning T.Todd?
I mean, look up glitter in the dictionary and you'll find her... second from the left, covered in the magic fairy dust! That's our T.Todd!
Posted by: TOS at November 17, 2008 8:38 PM
Best post on the events ever; I so needed that, just like Liza Minelli needed a mother who loved her as much as her pills.
And actually it's the big, hairy guys fucking each other in matching Vera Wang wedding dresses on top of a too pristine wedding cake of 45 tiers. Straight-Americans hate seeing good cake go to waste.
Posted by: copperred at November 17, 2008 11:07 PM
That'll work. This cracked me up when I was at work today. You are heelarious :D
Posted by: Kris at November 17, 2008 11:33 PM
Hi-fucking-larious
You should go on a gay-comedy tour. You could be a gay comedian. Oh wait, that involve hairy butt-sex in front of a microphone!
Posted by: seth at November 18, 2008 9:00 AM
You, sir, are genius. The whole indirect line of argument to Cunegonde's 'Glitter and be Gay' showstopper in Leonard Bernstein's Candide based on Voltaire's satire on Leibnitz 'best of all possible worlds' philosophy. Even more so, considering Bernstein's ambiguous sexuality and Voltaire's unorthodox domestic arrangements and critical stand towards domineering organized religion. Centuries of rebellious traditions will spill out as we glitter up the bigots!
Posted by: henry at November 18, 2008 10:11 AM
I think the glitter idea is very clever because it is harmless and well represents the sheer fabulousness of us gay people.
I would love to see a pic of a religious bigot glittered up on the national news. That would be priceless!
Posted by: brettcajun at November 18, 2008 12:00 PM
I'm all a-twitter at the thought of glitter!
A littler sparkle would sure make the Mormons' magic undies--uh--stand up and take notice!
Posted by: irisgirl at November 20, 2008 7:50 PM
I agree with you that straight men immediately think of buttsex when they hear the word "gay." So maybe desensitization is the answer. We need to perform more buttsex in public, where straight men can watch and get used to the idea. Maybe a few will join in. Then maybe they'll let us marry each other.
Posted by: rangergeek at November 22, 2008 1:00 PM
TJ, baby, as Tos properly points out (LOVE the pic!), this glitter bomb idea is PHABULOUS and I am shocked you have not already called me to consult on the most effective implementation of this revolutionary new tactic in our collective Lavender struggle for eqaulity.
LOVE LOVE LOVE it!
xo,
ttodd
Posted by: T.Todd at December 1, 2008 4:26 PM
Thanks for writing this. I agree that when a straight guy hears gay they think buttsex. I do stand-up comedy and because I talk about being gay I try to address the elephant in the room. Some have said I'm way too vulgar but I know it's what guys in the audience are thinking so I talk about it and I've gotten a good response from it. This article reminded me why I do some of my more vulgar jokes in the first place. (fyi, I googled the term 'gay comedian butt sex' and found this)
Posted by: Steve at January 23, 2010 6:47 PM